He says he can’t trust me

[Lastchances]

Looking for advice. My partner has a kink where he wants me to sleep with other men for us (HIM). I refused for years and in the end agreed to it as he says it would be something he really needed and basically wore me down.

We have tried this 3 times. First time it worked for a short period, then he got jealous of the man asked me to stop and I did but it left him really insecure and off with me. Second time again, he was fine with it until he wasn’t and it make me feel really worthless. Final time has been over the past week, I have been chatting with a man we both agreed on, sexual chat but I haven’t met him.

My partner was drinking this evening and asked to read “some” of the messages. We scrolled through a few together and then I put my phone down but it wasn’t enough. He demanded to see more. He then claimed I’m a liar, he can’t trust me and can no longer live with me.

I told him three times this has happened and three times he’s left me feeling cheap and worthless. I only ever agreed to this for him. I did like how much he loved me when I done this for him, that’s what I got out of it. The adoration afterwards.

Now I’m left feeling like the bad guy again. He’s sleeping in another room and this is all my fault. What do I do??

I’m not going to lie to you @Lastchances it is bad, very bad. He has a significant need for control and he is manipulating and gaslighting you within an inch of your life. You have a trauma bond with this man which to all intents and purposes is the emotional equivalent of an addiction. The cycle of abuse and control is addicting to you. This is not fixable, same as any addiction getting out however messy that is is the only way through.

Op, did YOU actually want to have sex with these other men, or did you do it solely for him? It sounds like you did it for him and if that is the case, he is a controlling, coercive prick. He doesn’t need a partner he needs a fuck ton of therapy and you need to get far, far away from him and then get therapy for yourself. He is not a good man and this is not a good relationship.

Seriously. Have some standards and leave as he clearly doesn’t value you and sees you as a a plaything he can bully and gaslight. Yanbu for not leaving.

He is in the wrong for making u do something you probably would not chose to do. The only thing you are guilty of is not knowing your worth and not realising how little he deserves you. Three times you have done this and 3 times he has reacted like this. Don't marry him. Set yourself free, live life in the way you wish without this incompatible insecure asshole.

i agree, I’m afraid, he is not a good one and would definitely consider whether it’s time to call it a day

It’s no surprise he’s older than you. There’s a power imbalance from the start. You were preyed upon by an experienced manipulative coercive manipulator who groomed you to go against your own boundaries for his sick gratification and then used it as a stick to beat you with.

Your relationship isn’t good you’re being abused by a vile predatory cunt. He’s dehumanised you to actually beg for him to abuse you more. He’s humiliating you and getting off on it.

This man is repulsive and every day you stay with him he is degrading you further and further.

Please find it within yourself to leave this piece of shit and do the freedom programme.

@Lastchances , would you consider doing a Claire's Law request on this man? You must not tell him or anyone else that you are doing it.

You are not seeing what's going on here and you need a bit of a wider picture about this man and his history.

Put Trauma Bond into chat gpt and learn why you are in this position op.

chatgpt.com/c/68e89b24-b9d8-8333-8e4c-1b4d9bdf4373

This is such a fucked up way of thinking....

This guy is a piece of shit and you should run not walk.

Imagine someone saying this about a partnerwho "only" beat them one a day a month but apart from that "he is great"

Or "only" shouted a stream of horrendous verbal abuse once a week but apart from that "he is great"

Or "only" gambling away his salary on pay once a month on payday and expects me to full subsidise him all month.

Or co-erses you into sleeping with strangers when you dont want to then verbally abuses you, gaslights and shames you afterwards but apart from that "he is great"

NEVER marry this man and ideally leave
him asap.

have you told people IRL about what is happening?
My guess is no and for a few reasons like....its shameful (the shame should be his not yours btw) it makes him look bad he wouldn't like it etc.

Think on that.

And yes to clares law and trauma bonding.
Note: nothing coming back on clares law doesnt mean he is good/fine/safe it means he isnt the worst of the worst and / or hasn't been reported YET.

Also I read your OP and while I may be wrong and he is just a run of the mill pervert, its reads like he is Grooming you to pimp you/ sell you.

Start educating yourself about trauma op - this is the way out. Learn what is happening to you and why. Learn why he is doing this to you, and why. You are not the first person he has abused, and sadly you definitely won’t be the last.

You can stop him from crushing you.

You have to leave.
He is either testing your loyalty to the extreme (and you have failed) or he is setting you up so he then has something to blackmail you with. I reckon is the second. He can bring up the messages and the dirty sex you had with other men at any time he wants, in future. He can continue to coerce you to do whatever else, worst than sleeping with other men.
I would leave. Now.

He’s abusive, controlling and weirdly insecure then sulks and takes out his bad mood on you! He’s put you both in this position, he’s an idiot (and nasty). Please find your dignity, OP, don’t marry this idiot or have kids with a sulker.

Hes a disgrace, where are your family can you turn to them for support?

His behaviour is not OK at all. He's coerced you into it for a start, and then he's punishing for doing the thing he coerced you into.

You think that this is somehow your fault, that if youd just done X or Y differently it would all be ok. But it wouldn't, because he was already applying pressure when you said no. What do you think about men that dont take no for an answer?.

It doesn't sound like you're going to leave, youre making excuses and finding reasons hes not a total arse. If you don't leave him at the very least refuse to ever engage in this again. Refuse to have the discussion or listen. Leave the room, leave the conversation.

You got lots of great advice on your very recent previous thread

A sexual fantasy is completely different to reality. You've been badgered into having sex with other men by your husband, who initially after the event reacts positively. Once the positivity has worn off, reality sets in, and he becomes jealous and insecure. You've done this 3 times, and each time the same result. It's time to say no. It maybe your husband feels powerful that you do what he wants but equally he feels powerful when he can control your emotions by bringing you down afterwards. The fact you say you'd do anything for him, is quite frankly worrying - that's not healthy. You have a low self-esteem, and this is some of the reason why you are simply accepting your husband's shitty behaviour. He's abusive. You need to remove yourself from this relationship.

Well it is obvious that you are nowhere near ready to leave, and so for now, you have to accept 'always being in the wrong' as the price you pay for staying with a man who does not love you.

Where is his care, trust and respect for you? You don't love him, you are trauma bonded to him, because this one issue will be the tip of a controlling and abusive dynamic in general.

So every time he does this, remember - this is the price you pay to be with him.

It will be a constant reminder of how little you value yourself, and here's the thing. No-one will ever value you more than you value yourself, because people will always treat you the way you allow them to treat you. And people never change.

If you don't like the way someone treats you, and you have expressed that, and it continues, then you don't get to choose 'changing them into a reasonable human being' as an option. You only get to choose if you want to keep that person in your life or not - exactly as they are.

Hopefully you will soon realise that the price of this relationship is too high.

This is serious emotional abuse 101. It’s every bit as damaging as if he’d hit you, some say even more. And there is a physical element too as he’s forcing you into sex with other men. Like he’s your pimp?

Your mindset about him and yourself has been trounced. Please call a women’s abuse charity and see what they say about it - it’s the wake up call you need.

Have you not seen the Gisele Pelicot case?! What he’s doing to you (coercing you to have sex with other men when you don’t want to) is not so different

Get some self respect and leave.

I would imagine having a tiny little girl with him, then imagine the abuse and the childhood she is likely to suffer and whether you can seriously allow this to carry on. There is no future with this kind of psychopathic man - thank the good lord you can just leave - he is not your father or someone you have to suffer. You have free will.

There is no ‘it’s great apart from this’, unless you’re saying ‘it’s great apart from that he leaves the toilet seat up’.

There is no ‘it’s great except he’s a manipulative sex pest who’s not mature enough to handle his own malign perversions, blames me for his tantrums, and who doesn’t respect my emotional or physical boundaries and pimps me out to other men for his own sexual gratification.’

That’s not ‘great’. That’s shit.

Do you have a friend or family member you could talk to about this, op? It might be a useful first step to seeing what he is doing to you. Women’s Aid can also help.

Hie behaviour is abusive and it’s hard for you to see it because he has manipulated you so much that you don’t trust your own feelings. But you still know that something isn’t right which is why you’ve posted on here. Please keep listening to that voice as it will help you find your way out.

He doesn't love you. He wants to use you to play out sexual fantasies. If he loved you he wouldn't want you to sleep with someone else since you do not want to.

You are basically* *his prostitute that he uses as he sees fit. It's very disturbing that you have so little self respect that you go along with this. Do you have a history of abuse/neglect from your childhood? I think you need therapy to discover your self worth so you can get rid of the vile twat you're living with.

If you truly felt valued and respected you wouldn’t have agreed to this - you would have had enough confidence in the strength of your relationship to say no to something you did not want to do without fearing he would leave you. If he did really value and respect you he would have respected that you were not keen on the idea and not coerced you into it. Please leave him. This kind of behaviour will only spiral. He is manipulating you. Nice men don’t do that.