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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Angry and needing a safe space to let go

144 replies

Ell099 · 08/10/2025 19:01

DH was out last night on a staff do. He’s messaged his mate saying he was flirting all night with the “hot girl from work,” and they told each other they fancied each other.

This girl can’t be older than 25, DH is 40. He’s her manager. Ick. Ick. Ick. What a fucking sleaze.

We have an 18 month old, of course I was left to look after him all night and this morning.

I’m going to have to hold it together until I figure out what to do but I am so, so angry. I wish I could chuck him out tonight but we have family staying and I need to work out if I could cope on my own.

OP posts:
Mumto21234 · 08/10/2025 19:03

What a poor show from your husband @Ell099 hope you are doing OK!

How did you find out?

Penguincushion · 08/10/2025 19:06

How did you find out?

Does he know you know?

He sounds gross though and tragedy that he’s a parent

Original poster
Ell099 · 08/10/2025 19:06

He’s been acting oddly all day. I checked his phone.

I would never have usually but he has previously confessed to messaging women on Instagram when he was ‘lonely’ after DS was born. All his friends and their wives knew. I told him then if he wasn’t 100% happy to leave, and that if he stayed I would not allow him to humiliate me again.

OP posts:
Penguincushion · 08/10/2025 19:07

She may well decide to report him to HR
So brace yourself for him being hauled up for this op

Penguincushion · 08/10/2025 19:07

Ell099 · 08/10/2025 19:06

He’s been acting oddly all day. I checked his phone.

I would never have usually but he has previously confessed to messaging women on Instagram when he was ‘lonely’ after DS was born. All his friends and their wives knew. I told him then if he wasn’t 100% happy to leave, and that if he stayed I would not allow him to humiliate me again.

Edited

Ah, and there’s history.

Original poster
Ell099 · 08/10/2025 19:08

Penguincushion · 08/10/2025 19:07

She may well decide to report him to HR
So brace yourself for him being hauled up for this op

Serves him bloody right, she’s almost young enough to be his daughter.

OP posts:
TheHillIsMine · 08/10/2025 19:09

Btw you can cope on your own.

Penguincushion · 08/10/2025 19:10

Ell099 · 08/10/2025 19:08

Serves him bloody right, she’s almost young enough to be his daughter.

Show quote history

Well yes absolutely . If I was her mother or friends I’d be pleading with her to.

but if he loses job….

Original poster
Ell099 · 08/10/2025 19:12

Penguincushion · 08/10/2025 19:10

Well yes absolutely . If I was her mother or friends I’d be pleading with her to.

but if he loses job….

Show quote history

I know, I think I’m so mad I’m not thinking straight, trying hard to act normal as I’m going to have to for some time while I figure out what I can do.

OP posts:
Whereismyfleeceblanket · 08/10/2025 19:12

My exh was a twat. We had 4 dc under 7.

I more than managed alone.
As will you.. Make sure his family know why you have ltb....

OchreRaven · 08/10/2025 19:14

When was the message sent? Last night or on the cold light of day? Do you think he was acting weird because he’s feeling guilty?

He should be very worried. If you haven’t already done so take a photo of the message. Having evidence is important. You have the power going forward.

Regardless of whether you stay together I would be telling him that it’s inappropriate for him to work with her now as he has cross a professional boundary as her manager and his workplace will take it further. You hold the evidence. While unlikely to use it because him losing his job is not in your interests at least it gives you power to decide what you want.

Penguincushion · 08/10/2025 19:14

The thought that he may have a daughter, who as she grows older has friends over for sleepovers 🤢

Original poster
Ell099 · 08/10/2025 19:15

Penguincushion · 08/10/2025 19:14

The thought that he may have a daughter, who as she grows older has friends over for sleepovers 🤢

Edited

Or will bring my son up thinking this is an acceptable way to treat women.

OP posts:
OhBumBags · 08/10/2025 19:16

Penguincushion · 08/10/2025 19:14

The thought that he may have a daughter, who as she grows older has friends over for sleepovers 🤢

Edited

This is a bit of a stretch.

She's a 25 year old woman.

Since he has form for this sort of behaviour OP, it doesn't look as though he's going to change I'm afraid.

Original poster
Ell099 · 08/10/2025 19:17

OchreRaven · 08/10/2025 19:14

When was the message sent? Last night or on the cold light of day? Do you think he was acting weird because he’s feeling guilty?

He should be very worried. If you haven’t already done so take a photo of the message. Having evidence is important. You have the power going forward.

Regardless of whether you stay together I would be telling him that it’s inappropriate for him to work with her now as he has cross a professional boundary as her manager and his workplace will take it further. You hold the evidence. While unlikely to use it because him losing his job is not in your interests at least it gives you power to decide what you want.

Thank you, he arrived home about 3am very cuddly and over the top with the “I love you’s.” Didn’t look me in the eye this morning before he rushed off for work, this evening he’s been quiet but playing the perfect son in law with my parents

OP posts:
Penguincushion · 08/10/2025 19:17

OhBumBags · 08/10/2025 19:16

This is a bit of a stretch.

She's a 25 year old woman.

Since he has form for this sort of behaviour OP, it doesn't look as though he's going to change I'm afraid.

Show quote history

Much younger than him AND he’s in a position of power

Penguincushion · 08/10/2025 19:17

I meant sleepovers as teenagers

Weezypopsy · 08/10/2025 19:17

Where is he now, OP? Have you spoken about it? This is so grim! You definitely deserve better.

Original poster
Ell099 · 08/10/2025 19:18

OhBumBags · 08/10/2025 19:16

This is a bit of a stretch.

She's a 25 year old woman.

Since he has form for this sort of behaviour OP, it doesn't look as though he's going to change I'm afraid.

Show quote history

I know. I should have done something when it first happened but DS was tiny, not sleeping and I was so panicked about being on my own with no idea what to do or how I would cope without any sleep

OP posts:
Original poster
Ell099 · 08/10/2025 19:19

Weezypopsy · 08/10/2025 19:17

Where is he now, OP? Have you spoken about it? This is so grim! You definitely deserve better.

No, I’ve not said anything as I need to get my head straight and figure out what I’m going to do, even though I want to pack him a bag and chuck it on the lawn.

OP posts:
Thingyfanding1 · 08/10/2025 19:19

Penguincushion · 08/10/2025 19:14

The thought that he may have a daughter, who as she grows older has friends over for sleepovers 🤢

Edited

Bit of a leap there. The woman in question is 25 - not a child and very much an adult.

Weezypopsy · 08/10/2025 19:20

I don’t blame you! How long are the relatives staying?

Original poster
Ell099 · 08/10/2025 19:20

Weezypopsy · 08/10/2025 19:20

I don’t blame you! How long are the relatives staying?

Till Friday. My parents are quite elderly and don’t deserve to be dragged into a massive scene, neither does DS.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ell099 · 08/10/2025 19:21

Should I say something when they’ve gone and get it done with? Or see if anything else develops? I don’t know if that would make me feel validated or worse

OP posts:
OhBumBags · 08/10/2025 19:21

Penguincushion · 08/10/2025 19:17

Much younger than him AND he’s in a position of power

Show quote history

Absolutely disgraceful behaviour.

He's married.

He's in a position of power over her.

But as I said, she's a 25 year old woman so worrying about his daughter having friends sleep over is a real stretch.

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