Angry and needing a safe space to let go

[Ell099]

DH was out last night on a staff do. He’s messaged his mate saying he was flirting all night with the “hot girl from work,” and they told each other they fancied each other.

This girl can’t be older than 25, DH is 40. He’s her manager. Ick. Ick. Ick. What a fucking sleaze.

We have an 18 month old, of course I was left to look after him all night and this morning.

I’m going to have to hold it together until I figure out what to do but I am so, so angry. I wish I could chuck him out tonight but we have family staying and I need to work out if I could cope on my own.

We are married and joint tenants. We both put in 50% of deposit, I don’t know if that matters. He now pays 65% of costs, I pay the rest. I took a lower paid role as it was less hours and flexi, my previous job I did too much travelling to manage with young children.

That sounds like a calm and sensible plan and I can empathise how hard it is to sit on this but you're doing the right thing. Get as much support as possible. The paperwork is a biggie. I started copying and filing the following way before I put my cards on the table: all your child's paperwork, copy of mortgage paperwork in case online account gets messed with. If you have a joint account make sure you open a solo one. There's more but its a good place to start

Grim. Any possibility he was just pissed up, being a wanker and “showing off” to his mate, making it into more than it was? I’d be interested to know what she thought? What he describes as “flirting” could well be some poor woman being polite to her supervisor when what she really wants to do is tell him to fuck off!
Still totally disrespectful though. And thick as fuck to leave it on his phone.

He has talked recently about moving south, part of me wants to go ahead with the move and then kick him out but that feels a bit too evil

Not evil at all. I would do that!

Thanks. This is how I feel. How bloody stupid is he, and how stupid does he think I am? Does he genuinely think I will accept being made to feel this worthless?

How are you going to share a bed with him tonight? Chat to him? Where is he now? Have you eaten together? This is going to be intolerable

Im going to sleep in DS’s room tonight as he will be unsettled. Can’t bear to have him touch me tbh

Making my mum and dad cups of tea like butter wouldn’t melt

But right now… is he in the lounge sitting next to you? Tomorrow morning? Eating together? Sleeping together tomorrow night and the night after and the weekend?

I am raising this because you don’t have the luxury of not saying anything unless you a Hollywood actress

Nope. Stop right there!!! His utter loser behaviour has literally nothing to do with you or your worth. If he wants to be the sad old bastard of the office, panting after some young woman, whilst his colleagues laugh and gossip about him? A walking cliche? That is on him. And let’s be fair, if she is partaking in this and she knows he is married with young DC? She’s no prize either. Other people in this scenario are lacking in worth and value. You are not. Do not, for even one minute, let this prize dickhead make you feel like this is a “you” problem. It certainly fucking isn’t!

Well done.

I don't know about Scotland but I'd get legal advice because I wouldn't assume a 5050 split if you're going to be doing more childcare. I certainly wouldn't be agreeing to anything that means he can carry on with his 9-5 without inconvenience. Alternate weeks would bugger him up.

If you're going to have majority childcare you'll need more than 50% to give DS good living standards. Look at it this way, if you're in a 3 bed house now, you and ds will need 70% to buy a 2 bed and he will need 30% to buy a 1 bed flat.

She absolutely knows he is married, I was in his work with DS having brunch on Saturday.

Oh god, I’m sorry. It is possible that he’s just chatting shite, bigging himself up to his mate, the saddo.
And if not? The pair of wankers deserve each other.
Agree with PPs. Hold your line, keep calm, get some advice, watch and wait. Do what is best for you, in the timescales that work for you.

He probably thought you wouldn't find out. Almost certainly he didn't expect that you'd read those messages.

Can you kind of use your parents' being there as a way to keep yourself busy - and exhausted at bedtime - so you have limited if any time alone with him? And I know your instinct is to keep this from your parents, but if you think they would/could be supportive, it might be easier to tell them now in person than later over the phone.

I wouldn't focus on the 25 year old; he'll obviously try it on with anyone he fancies and I don't envy her being in the position of having an older, drunk, married boss go after her. She may not be in a position where she felt able last night to do anything but play along for the moment. Or he may be misinterpreting her responses and/or exaggerating/lying for his friend's benefit. Any way you slice it, though, HE is in the wrong AND he is in your life for the long haul because of your child. Focus on what to do about HIM, and for yourself and your son, don't get distracted.

Thank you. It just feels so humiliating, all his workmates know me, we go in quite often, I pick husband up from work. And they’ve all watched him slavering over this girl all night telling each other they fancy each other.

I wish I could tell her she could have him. She won’t fancy him so much when she’s cleaning up after him and spending days off with him at soft play.

Op it’s worth thinking about….

It is. Thankfully you have all been so helpful giving me something to focus on as a distraction. He’ll be at work all day tomorrow and Fri, party in evening then working Sat / Sun. Hoping I can hold it together till after the weekend at least.

OP I'm sorry to tell you I had a friend leave her husband just after moving to Scotland, she had to get him to sign something to allow her to move back to England. Im not sure exactly what went on but she was stuck for a good few months in limbo before he suddenly decided to sign.

Basically what I'm saying is, I don't think you should say anything until you really know what you need, and you'll be at an advantage if you have all the facts about what you can do.

Your hubby is a dirty bag, don’t make this about you looking after your child. Get out he’ll wreck both yours and your child’s life.

Just don't talk this down in your mind as time goes on while you get organised to leave. The prospect of starting again will seem scary and as the initial shock leaves and you get 'used' to the story of him flirting, you may find yourself thinking oh maybe he was drunk / is sorry... it's a lot of upheaval... And sweep it under the carpet. I've been there and it's possible. Beware and keep your perspective on this being a total deal breaker

It can be done. I kept it up for three months

Well it probably won’t be you buying the flat op-often one person stays in the family home the other moves and rents. It may not be as bad financially as you think. And it’s still better than living with a man who you always have to keep an eye on. There will never be any peace for you in that.