Angry and needing a safe space to let go

[Ell099]

DH was out last night on a staff do. He’s messaged his mate saying he was flirting all night with the “hot girl from work,” and they told each other they fancied each other.

This girl can’t be older than 25, DH is 40. He’s her manager. Ick. Ick. Ick. What a fucking sleaze.

We have an 18 month old, of course I was left to look after him all night and this morning.

I’m going to have to hold it together until I figure out what to do but I am so, so angry. I wish I could chuck him out tonight but we have family staying and I need to work out if I could cope on my own.

He's not expecting you to accept feeling worthless. He's expecting you to have no idea you've anything to feel worthless about.

People don't cheat because they're expecting their partner to accept it. They cheat because they think they're clever enough to never be found out.

He's wandering around today thinking he's pulled the wool over your eyes, thinking no harm is done because there's no possible way you'll find out.

He's wrong. He's a moron. And very soon, he's going to find this out.

You're not worthless OP. He is. Use that.

If you decide to go for it, I would kick him out and you stay in the family home. As primary carer for your dc that should be the starting point.

Secondly, if you move away from your area the costs of getting your child to contact with dad will fall to you, and the responsibility of driving or paying for transport.

Angry as you are now, and I would be holding your coat for you while you gave him what for, if you can maintain a cooperative and amicable coparenting relationship that will massively benefit your dc. It can be done; I’ve done it, as hard as he made it to begin with, and my dc enjoys both homes and doesn’t feel bad for wanting to see us both, and can choose to come and go now she’s a bit older.

I hope you get a good outcome for you and your ds.

I might be wrong but I think in Scotland it’s 50:50 for finances regardless of need. If you can convince him to move to England it would possibly be better for you. Dont feel bad— he’s been the one that has blown up your life and heart. You would have remained a faithful and loving wife and he took it all for granted

The stress of holding it in will drive you insane op. He will be at home at points. Are you going to manage to sleep apart until you talk to him? Not eat with him? Talk to him?

This issue aside (him being a gross leacherous pig) what is he like? Do you suspect he will try to screw you over? Be completely unreasonable? What is he like as a father?

Secondly, if you move away from your area the costs of getting your child to contact with dad will fall to you, and the responsibility of driving or paying for transport.

who says? @DoubtfulCat
That is nonsense. There is no law or ruling on this whatsoever

I think you need to slow down and think things thriugh

if you’re in Scotland divorce laws are different to England and much more likely to be 50:50

mesher orders are not overly common and unlikely for a long period of time and where neither party is particularly high earner

you can move where you want but you can’t take your child without permission- he can prevent that with a prohibited steps order which if I was him I’d absolutely do and it’s absolutely the case that a court would deem you responsible for most of the costs in the event it was permitted. Irrespective of this it is not in your child’s interests to move them away from their father

I’d say slow down, think things through and understand the impacts of anything you decide before making the decisions

There’s also no right to remain in the fmh and he’ll likely have no requirement to assist with finances to do so - so unless you can buy out his share and take on all bills it’s probably unlikely

Perhaps the best course of action is to confront him once you have info re: divorce. Then state if he wants you to try and forgive him you want to move back to your support system because you don’t trust him and need to feel safe. Once you are settled if you really don’t think you will get over it, or he does something like this again, you can end it. You’ll likely be in a better financial position in England and have more support.

your parents aren’t blind! They also would prefer you not putting up with this shit surely?! Just chuck a load of his stuff into black bin bags and suitcases and leave on the doorstep for him to collect when he gets home and tell him he’s not coming home as cheaters don’t deserve yet another chance

@Nearly50omg totally ridiculous’advice’

Confide in a friend. What a horrible thing to happen to you. One thing is for sure you deserve better. Id find it hard to get over this tbh. So disrespectful. You can cope on your own just fine, perhaps more than fine because your head will be in a better place without this pulling you down. Get through the next 24 hours and ask him to move out for the weekend. However I'd consider just being honest with your parents. None of this is your fault. How old is elderly? If it was my daughter I'd rather know there was something upsetting her than have her have to pretend to be ok while feeling hurt and confused. And also be annoyed that I'm being nice to that awful man. You could just say 'I found something upsetting on John's phone last night and it's really made me question everything. I need time apart from him but don't want to upset everyone' and tell him to leave today . This way you can speak with your parents in peace. Take care .

Mid 70’s but quite vulnerable, they would find this really upsetting. I know it would be hard for my dad as he would be angry on my behalf but he is quite poorly.

What?! She's a 25 year old woman, not a teenager or child!!!

Why would you be pleading with her to report it?! If she does fancy him then she's hardly going to go to HR is she?! Jesus some people are mental on here 😂

Anyway, back to the OP. I'm sorry you found this but, if he already has form for doing this then I'm afraid it's only ever going to go one way...

And I would normally say to give someone a second chance as people slip up from time to time! But this isn't the first time he's done this and you even gave him a warning about doing it again just over a year ago so yeah, it's only a matter of time before he takes things further. Either with this woman or another.

is he really not going to be “seriously WTF is going on?” When you basically can’t bring yourself to look at him, touch him, talk to him - let alone have sex with him?

how long are you envisaging keeping up the pretence of not knowing op?

What’s he like as a father?

He is a good father. He works long hours but has 2 days off mid week so is fully responsible for childcare on those days.

I’m not sure how I will manage. I’m just trying to get to the weekend for now.

Thankfully he is working 12-10 today and I’m 8-4, we have a family party to go to straight after work and then he is working all weekend.

If you don’t get him to move to England the you will be stuck in Scotland forever.

Play the long game.

What is he like as a father?

before you found the messages - happy marriage?

Be honest with yourself op…. There’s loads of time together in between and he will surely
notice something is very clearly up.

and no doubt family members too

If he figures out something is wrong I’m past caring to be honest. He probably will. Let him sweat and panic. Im just trying not to loose my shit until I have had some time to process what has happened.

Hi OP I'm so sorry you're going through this he is absolutely in the wrong and you have nothing to feel bad about at all, he will absolutely regret his childish behavior one day. With regard to being able to survive financially, I think you will be absolutely fine and any financial order will come out very much in your favour as the main carer for your son. You will be able to claim universal credit and he will want to continue paying for the mortgage otherwise it will affect his credit rating long term if it defaults. As for the property you should definitely be staying put and making him move out, you and your son come first. It is an incredibly hard position I know, but it is him who should be inconvenience and not you. Does he have friends or family locally that he could go and stay with? Try and make a half hour free appointment with a solicitor as early as you can next week and get the facts on finances. You can also do a calculation of what you would receive in benefits including universal credit online if you google this, you can put in your finances as if you were a single parent and it will tell you what you would receive. Massive hugs to you and respect for being able to think this through instead of just reacting instantly, I don't think I would be able to do that!

I want to get my head sorted before I let my family etc know, I know once the initial upset passes they would be telling me that we can work through this for the good of our son, that hasn’t actually cheated on me. But why should I have to be stuck spending my life with someone who doesn’t just chat up women half his age but has the disrespect to brag about it to his mate.

?

Or was it pretty shit before too? And he’s a crap dad?