Angry and needing a safe space to let go

[Ell099]

DH was out last night on a staff do. He’s messaged his mate saying he was flirting all night with the “hot girl from work,” and they told each other they fancied each other.

This girl can’t be older than 25, DH is 40. He’s her manager. Ick. Ick. Ick. What a fucking sleaze.

We have an 18 month old, of course I was left to look after him all night and this morning.

I’m going to have to hold it together until I figure out what to do but I am so, so angry. I wish I could chuck him out tonight but we have family staying and I need to work out if I could cope on my own.

I 100% would say something, even if nothing further does happen, that you know of its still crossing a massive boundary and is so disrespectful.

Would you be able to move past this and fully trust him again?

Have you kept a record of everything ? So you have proof and he can’t deny it.

The trust was already a bit shaky, it’s completely gone now. Even if nothing happens or has happened it’s so disrespectful to me, doing everything I can to care for our son and our home and working myself. Is this all he thinks I’m worth?

Take a photo of the messages OP, just incase he deletes them.

If the trust is completely gone what's the point? You can't possibly be as fully happy or fulfilled in this relationship now and deserve to be treated so much better.

Focus on you and your son, and set a good example for him.

If your husband already has previous and is then joking about it with others it does not bode well, regardless of how he might try to downplay it.

I'd imagine your husband could be the subject of 'office gossip' this morning. If he's been flirting with this woman, and they both had been drinking, then it's likely colleagues noticed. The fact your husband is this young woman's superior, makes his behaviour unprofessional. It's probably unlikely she'll report him to HR, considering she was flirting back and had been drinking. However, in the cold light of day, she could very well be mortified, especially if she's been told the entire company/department know. It doesn't paint either of them in a good light, but especially your husband as he's older and in a more senior position. It's possible she's not aware your husband is married or he has a child, depends on what your husband has told her. You'll going to have to sit on the information at least until your parents leave. In the meantime, you need a long think on what you want. Given that your husband has form for sending messages to women on Instagram, and now this incident, it's safe to say he's not trustworthy. You spoke to him regarding the messages and told him you wouldn't tolerate being humiliated again. He clearly hasn't changed his ways and probably won't going forward. When I forgave my ex, all it really did was give him the green light to continue, confident in the knowledge I wouldn't leave/kick him out. Eventually, I saw the light, and got out of the relationship (thankfully we weren't married and had no children).

I've been in a similar situation where I caught my husband messaging and getting photos from an instagram/snapchat w*e. I was fuming but I played the long game and watched how it played out and kept tabs on the communication for a while. When I finally confronted him he tried to deny and say it was just once etc but I had all the info to refute him. As nothing had physically happened I forgave him after a long long time of him being in the dog house. I also contacted the girl, and her husband so he knew what was going on. There’s been nothing since, I check every now and again. I think these men like the validation and that they ‘could’.
But I would play the long game and see what it happens and how you want to deal with it then.

At which point did he send the message to his friend? During the night or the next day?

If the former then potentially he got carried away, the latter shows a level of premeditation that makes it much worse.

But either way it is totally disrespectful and unacceptable. Definitely tell him you know but have an idea of how you want it to go when you do. Tell him how it will be rather than let him gaslight you into minimising it.

I need to figure out finances etc to make sure me and my son will be ok. Torn between tell him now or wait until I can find out where I will live, what I’ll be able to afford. I’m FT on £35k, husband on about £80k. Nursery is £800pm and our mortgage is £1200pm. I’m so devastated that for me to be happy I have to drag DS away from his lovely comfortable home, that I’ll end up so much worse off when I’ve done nothing wrong.

@Ell099 im in a very similar situation just now so completely understand your concerns. It is overwhelming but I try and just focus on knowing that if we didn't sell the house and go our separate ways our kids would pick up on the unhappiness and at some point further down the line it would come to a head, so might as well do it now rather than 5/10 years down the line when kids are older.

Its not easy but I do think its what's best for the kids, and our own happiness. But it is shit being put in a position where you and the kids suffer because of his actions, however it is what it is now. All you can do is think, and take action as you see fit.

I’ve done a mortgage calculator and with my salary I would only be able to borrow £100k plus my share of the equity. I couldn’t buy a flat here for that.

You will be entitled to child maintenance and potentially universal credit or some other form of benefits. There's a lot to figure out but maybe just process what has happened and decide how you want to proceed re letting your husband know that you know. There will be a lot of uncertainty for a while, but what is certain is you can't trust him and he actively has disrespected you more than once and joked about his actions with others. Poor form and you don't deserve that.

OP, sit on the information for now. Start to gather paperwork and see if you can get some legal advice. You need to have 'all your ducks in a row', to quote a MN favourite, BEFORE you confront him. That way you can say, I know this has happened (if need be monitor his phone and screenshot messages), and as I said before I won't be disrespected or humiliated again, so XYZ will be happening. Ideally, if divorce is on the cards, serve him divorce papers at the same time as confronting him. There's no worming his way out, no bollocks he can say or blame he can put elsewhere then.

Also, don’t assume a 50/50 split of equity. It will be needs based. How much is a two bed flat, which is what you will need? As he earns more than you, you may find the split may be 60/40 or more. Would that be affordable? It’s based on fairness not 50/50.

I'm so sorry OP. My first husband was a serial cheat and a lot of it didn't come to light until my daughter was 12. I wasted some of my best years on him. You don't need to. I wish you all the best and again so sorry.

This is what I am thinking, try and take time to get my self organised. And try and keep calm and out of his way as much as I can.

Totally sound advice

Thank you. I think I need to get some advice on finances, he would definitely want as much
time with DS as he can manage, for all he’s been a shit husband he’s a good and involved dad.

Think about seeing a solicitor. You may be able to stay in the house because of your son. He would have to contribute. I know the mortgage is high so guessing that's a major issue, though.

Is there a limit to how far away you can move? Most of my friends and family are in England, I’m in Scotland

Agree and « getting your ducks in a row » means waiting until you’re 100% ready to pull the trigger. There’s absolutely no rush. If it takes you a few months then that’s how long it takes.

I don't think so, no. You could do with an initial hour appointment with a solicitor

Thank you. I will try and get an appointment booked once the rest of this week is out of the way. We’ve a family party to go to on Friday, then he will be at work all weekend and I’ll have some space to think.

Can you play sly?

Say nothing, have a chat about overpaying mortgage as if it's the financially savvy thing to do and then divorce him next year with more equity?

Are you married and joint tenants?

No, but your DS will have a relationship and spend time with you both. So to co-parent and not to spend hours in the car it would be better for your DS to be geographically close to one another. Would he be prepared to move to England?