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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Angry and needing a safe space to let go

144 replies

Ell099 · 08/10/2025 19:01

DH was out last night on a staff do. He’s messaged his mate saying he was flirting all night with the “hot girl from work,” and they told each other they fancied each other.

This girl can’t be older than 25, DH is 40. He’s her manager. Ick. Ick. Ick. What a fucking sleaze.

We have an 18 month old, of course I was left to look after him all night and this morning.

I’m going to have to hold it together until I figure out what to do but I am so, so angry. I wish I could chuck him out tonight but we have family staying and I need to work out if I could cope on my own.

OP posts:
SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 09/10/2025 15:03

Given you have a child and are married i think you did the right thing giving him an opportunity to check back in to the relationship

However given where you are now...
It's a question of when, not if, this plonker has an affair.

Hold it together but you do you.
Make your plans,
Get your docs together,
research and book an app to dee a lawyer,
Start moving and "reallocating" assets.

What an prick.... I'm sorry this has happened to you 💐

neilyoungismyhero · 09/10/2025 15:06

Penguincushion · 08/10/2025 19:07

She may well decide to report him to HR
So brace yourself for him being hauled up for this op

The fancying seems to have been reciprocal.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 09/10/2025 15:13

If you don’t get him to move to England the you will be stuck in Scotland forever.

Play the long game.

I agree with @RandomMess on this but also unless you are a professional actress how are you going to not say anything?

you could position it as a "fresh start" for everyone get the move underway and then leave...

Chillychock · 09/10/2025 15:14

neilyoungismyhero · 09/10/2025 15:06

The fancying seems to have been reciprocal.

Show quote history

If there’s a power imbalance, which there is, then quite possibly she’d have felt obliged to stay and chat to her much older senior manager

Original poster
Ell099 · 09/10/2025 15:19

Chillychock · 09/10/2025 15:02

?

Or was it pretty shit before too? And he’s a crap dad?

Show quote history

Sorry. He is a good dad, does his fair share of night wakes, cares for our DS on his days off (I work mon - Fri, he works weekends with midweek days off)

OP posts:
Chillychock · 09/10/2025 15:19

And the marriage before this?

Original poster
Ell099 · 09/10/2025 15:22

Chillychock · 09/10/2025 15:19

And the marriage before this?

An incident where he confessed to messaging women online when we had a newborn.

Apart from that we had a great marriage pre kids, and apart from the usual day to day challenges and lack of sleep brought by having a toddler, everything seemed fine. The last couple of weeks I was feeling a bit uneasy though, which is why I checked his phone after his odd behaviour after going out.

OP posts:
Chillychock · 09/10/2025 15:24

Ell099 · 09/10/2025 15:22

An incident where he confessed to messaging women online when we had a newborn.

Apart from that we had a great marriage pre kids, and apart from the usual day to day challenges and lack of sleep brought by having a toddler, everything seemed fine. The last couple of weeks I was feeling a bit uneasy though, which is why I checked his phone after his odd behaviour after going out.

Show quote history

So since you had your child… shit?

Chillychock · 09/10/2025 15:25

The last couple of weeks I was feeling a bit uneasy though,

why? Was he going out lots? What was he doing to make you feel uneasy?

Original poster
Ell099 · 09/10/2025 15:32

Chillychock · 09/10/2025 15:24

So since you had your child… shit?

Edited
Show quote history

I would be annoyed if he described it as shit, we both do our share of parenting, time to ourselves, we’ve had few couple of evenings out together. But obviously it’s not as easy being loves young dream with a small child and poor sleep.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ell099 · 09/10/2025 15:35

Chillychock · 09/10/2025 15:25

The last couple of weeks I was feeling a bit uneasy though,

why? Was he going out lots? What was he doing to make you feel uneasy?

For the first time I went to his work and he was a bit awkward rather than sitting with us and chatting or introducing me to staff. (I go about once a month). Absolute stereotypical buying new clothes for his work do when he’s not usually bothered. Just seemed generally less interested in me or what I’ve been up to.

OP posts:
Wadadli · 09/10/2025 15:40

Ell099 · 09/10/2025 15:35

For the first time I went to his work and he was a bit awkward rather than sitting with us and chatting or introducing me to staff. (I go about once a month). Absolute stereotypical buying new clothes for his work do when he’s not usually bothered. Just seemed generally less interested in me or what I’ve been up to.

Show quote history

Stay strong, @Ell099. You can do this 💐

ReadingSoManyThreads · 09/10/2025 15:57

I'd be seeking legal advice BEFORE letting on anything to him. Always keep one step ahead...make sure you tell the solicitor your earnings are reduced due to going flexible due to having a child, so your career/earnings have been hindered...that may help with the allocating of equity and what contribution of his pension you can get.

Original poster
Ell099 · 09/10/2025 16:03

ReadingSoManyThreads · 09/10/2025 15:57

I'd be seeking legal advice BEFORE letting on anything to him. Always keep one step ahead...make sure you tell the solicitor your earnings are reduced due to going flexible due to having a child, so your career/earnings have been hindered...that may help with the allocating of equity and what contribution of his pension you can get.

Thank you, that’s what I’m hoping to do, even if he picks up that somethings wrong I’m going to try and power through for a few days. In all honesty I have changed to a job that pays less but has much better pension scheme than his, so I would be looking to protect that as much as I can

OP posts:
Original poster
Ell099 · 09/10/2025 16:04

Trying to do some of the practical research while I am angry as I feel the breakdown is coming

OP posts:
MrTiddlesTheCat · 09/10/2025 16:11

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. It sounds like he's been building up to this for a while now. He's following the cheaters script .

CoralOP · 09/10/2025 16:18

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I hope you manage to stay strong and move on with your life x

Thewookiemustgo · 09/10/2025 16:18

Losing interest/ sudden interest in new clothes is sadly textbook. Go with your gut instinct, it’s rarely wrong.
Flirting is no proof of anything else, but that’s cheating anyway as far as I’m concerned. Going as far as to buy new clothes specifically for this occasion, when he never takes an interest, doesn’t suggest an unexpected drunken one-off, to be honest. Flirting has either been going on at work so he dressed to impress to flirt more on the work do, or dressed to impress so that his opportunity to flirt had more impact. The idea had occurred to him and he’d planned it at the very least. The message to his mates crowing about his success, implies a previous conversation about her.
Anything to do with interactions with a woman that he has to keep from you, is inappropriate. If he would not do something when you are present or as long as you didn’t know, then he shouldn’t be doing it at all.
Apart from what an idiot he’s made of himself, and leaving aside what an unprofessional creep he’s being, the disrespect of you and your marriage is intolerable.
Unfortunately, due to this being his second time caught doing something like this, it starts to look like who he is, rather than a thoughtless drunken one-off.
I’m so sorry, he really doesn’t deserve what he has in you and his child.
Don’t think he doesn’t value you, he does. He’s just taking everything good in his life for granted for an ego massage and because he thinks you won’t find out he thinks it doesn’t matter.
Be prepared for the gaslighting and trying to turn this on you and /or her: “You looked through my phone!/ Can’t I have female friends? / She keeps coming on to me!/ I needed new stuff anyway!/ It was only banter! / All men do it!/ It doesn’t mean anything!” Etc etc
I’m really sorry. Yet another ego and dick led idiot.

ShesNeverSeenAShadeOfGray · 09/10/2025 16:47

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

I'd get legal advice if you can put off saying anything to see where you stand if you would want to move south.

andthat · 09/10/2025 17:02

Ell099 · 08/10/2025 19:06

He’s been acting oddly all day. I checked his phone.

I would never have usually but he has previously confessed to messaging women on Instagram when he was ‘lonely’ after DS was born. All his friends and their wives knew. I told him then if he wasn’t 100% happy to leave, and that if he stayed I would not allow him to humiliate me again.

Edited

So he’s had an ultimatum previously… but doesn’t care enough about you to change his behaviour. And probably doesn’t think you’d leave him if he was caught.

It won’t get better. Your husband is a total dick.

Are you in a position to leave??

Whereismyfleeceblanket · 09/10/2025 17:02

Sorry but a good dad wouldn't be risking his dc's stability and that dc seeing both dps every day.
He isn't a good dad op.
He is making you feel grateful for raising his own dc 2 days a week.

Subwaystop · 09/10/2025 17:35

I think you’re doing the right thing by waiting for your rage to settle before you decide on what to do next. It’ll help you make the best strategic decision instead of acting from passion. Good luck till Friday, it’s almost!

DoubtfulCat · 09/10/2025 17:37

Penguincushion · 09/10/2025 06:38

Secondly, if you move away from your area the costs of getting your child to contact with dad will fall to you, and the responsibility of driving or paying for transport.

who says? @DoubtfulCat
That is nonsense. There is no law or ruling on this whatsoever

It’s what I was advised a few years back when I was considering moving to France.

MyAmusedPearlSquid · 09/10/2025 22:05

What a arse I wouldn't be able to stay under the same roof as him

MsDogLady · 10/10/2025 07:03

Ell099 · 08/10/2025 19:06

He’s been acting oddly all day. I checked his phone.

I would never have usually but he has previously confessed to messaging women on Instagram when he was ‘lonely’ after DS was born. All his friends and their wives knew. I told him then if he wasn’t 100% happy to leave, and that if he stayed I would not allow him to humiliate me again.

Edited

@Ell099, my heart goes out to you. Your H has blown his second chance.

You set the hard boundary above after his previous disloyal transgression. He knew the score yet still made the choice to pursue this OW. As he has again trashed his fidelity and made a mockery of you and DS, you really do need to follow through. He is confident that you won’t.

This flirtation with his junior has clearly been going on for a while and has engendered his cliched Script behavior: distancing himself from you at home and during your office visit; atypically curating his outfit for the night out. ‘Flirting all night with the hot girl’ suggests that they were acting like a couple on a date.

Investing in frisson at the office + connecting at the venue and acknowledging fancying each other = emotional affair territory.

@Ell099, he has publicly shat all over your marriage and family for cheap thrills and ego validation. His infidelity and unethical choices are all on him. In your shoes, I would consult with a solicitor asap to learn my options and then send him packing.