Advice needed. NC Mother has left me a birthday present on my doorstep. How am I supposed to react?

[LondonLady1980]

It’s a very long story so in going to really summarise the background and then I’ll answer any questions that arise.

I’ve been NC with my mother for almost 7 months after I eventually stood up to her earlier this year following another episode of her giving me the silent treatment (a tactic she always favoured).

Prior to this our relationship was based on decades and decades of subtle manipulation, mind games and control, going all the way back to when me and my sister were physically, mentally and emotionally abused from when we were very young children. I’m now in my mid-40s.

My mum is your typical narcissist - everyone else thinks she’s wonderful, and she loves playing that role, and it’s only those close to her who know the real her.

Since standing up to her 7 months ago she has completely turned on me, lied about me, said some really unpleasant things about me, bad mouthing me to anyone who will listen, all whilst painting herself as the victim (you all know the picture).

Over the last few months I’ve been having counselling to help me come to terms with my childhood, how I was treated by my mother and how the dysfunctional relationship has manifested itself throughout my entire adult life too.

Anyhow, apart from me reaching out to her about three months ago (where she was then really unkind to me in response) there’s been absolutely no contact for seven months.

However, this morning when I left my house to go to work I found a birthday present on my doorstep and it’s from her. I haven’t opened it or opened the card.

But what do I do?

Not one part of me wants to open it.

One side of me wants to go to her house, hand it back to her and give her a piece of my mind, whilst the other part of me wants to completely ignore it and not give her any reaction.

But I don’t want her to think I’ve accepted the gift.
And I want her to know how angry I am for how she has treated me over the last 7 months (well, throughout my life really).

But I also don’t want to give her any ammunition to paint herself as the victim and me as the “Bad Guy” as she bought me a gift and I took it back (or didn’t acknowledge it). She’ll love telling people that story… 🙄

I’m in my living room, just looking at the unopened gift on my dining room table and I have absolutely no idea what to do.

There has to be some kind of ulterior motive going on here. I feel like she’s trying to trip me up.

What does she expect me to do with it?
How does she expect me to react?!

I’m just so confused ☹️

My mum is your typical narcissist - everyone else thinks she’s wonderful, and she loves playing that role, and it’s only those close to her who know the real her

Can relate. My Dad is exactly the same, house devil street angel. Just ignore her. Don’t get in contact.

Ignore. Bin it or get someone to take it to a charity shop. It doesn’t matter if she thinks you’ve accepted it. Ignore ignore ignore.

Post it back ( and if you really want with no postage so she has to pay)

But I also don’t want to give her any ammunition to paint herself as the victim and me as the “Bad Guy”

This will happen whatever you do. So just do what suits you best and accept being the Bad Guy, try to stop caring about that because there's nothing you can do to prevent it

I ld open it out of curiosity and then dump it. Don't acknowledge it. If anyone else ever brings it up, say you didn't receive anything. If she insists, say it must have been robbed from the doorstep as you never got anything.

Play the moo cow at her own lieing, deceitful game.

You are the bad guy in her world regardless so do nothing.

Do not acknowledge it at all. Narcissistic people can and do use gifts to further try and control their target ie you in this instance . Bin it or otherwise pass it onto a charity shop, do not give it any more power.

My NC mum has recently (in the past year) found out where we live. We had 3 years of peace before this when she didn’t know where we were. She has a habit of sending me boxes of crazy stuff. One of the last ones many years ago was just all my much loved grandmother’s china and glassware, things I would have loved to have, smashed up, thrown in a box and posted to me. It literally broke me. Such a nasty mean thing to do.

She has recently started sending me things again. As has a friend of hers oddly (her flying monkey, one of the few friends she has left). My birthday is this month actually and I dread what might show up.

What do I do with them? I hand them to dh unopened and he puts them in the attic. I don’t open them. I don’t bin them (some of them probably do contain things I might want one day, things from my granny or my childhood, etc). But right now, I need to protect my peace. I put them away where I can’t see them and put them out of my mind. I don’t acknowledge them or engage with her in any way. All attempts to contact me are completely ignored.

Ignore. Your reaction is the air she breathes, don't feed her. Use counselling to express everything you want to say to her, or write it all down (but don't send it). It's hard to disengage after a lifetime of a particular dynamic but you're doing really well - your best chance of shaking her off is ignoring. Throw the gift away or give it to a friend to throw away. Stay strong. Vent your feelings somewhere else, don't feed her.

Please DO NOT post it back to her. This is a response and to such disordered of thinking people like your mother this is a reward, she knows she has you then. Toxic people like your mother do not and never play by the normal rules of familial engagement.

I urge you most strongly to not acknowledge this so called gift loaded with obligation at all but dispose of it.

Bin it or take it unopened to the charity shop - don't give her the satisfaction of knowing that you've reacted to it by opening it or returning it. She has gone from your life now, and everything she sends you must do the same.

I've been NC with mine for over 15 years and it's been fucking blissful.

Open it, see what it is, if you like it keep it, if not, post it back to her or send it to a charity shop.

Don't feel guilty or that you need to respond. This is her version of a flying monkey. Ignore her

Look up FOG, the fear, obligation, guilt cycle and also the stateley homes thread here if you haven't already.

Posting it back to her is a response and that is the reward to someone as disordered of thinking like ops mother. There should be no acknowledgement of this item which in itself is loaded with obligation anyway.

And if she is a narcissist the chances are the item Is something discarded from
her own house. It’s most unlikely to be anything the op would actually like.

Bin it, or dump it at a charity shop unopened.

Any kind of reaction from you will be the same as "taking the bait", because that's what it is.

When I went NC with my highly toxic family, there mere sight of recognisable handwriting on a card or parcel would send my blood pressure through the roof. Anything like that went straight in the outside bin. I wouldn't even have it in my house.

Toxic people hate boundaries and will try any combination of methods to hoover you back into their orbit. It's bait, just like an angler trying to hook a fish.

Don't open the present or the card. Throw them in the bin, or donate to charity. If you have a shredder, shred the card without reading. Then carry on as before. Don't engage. Don't even think about it.

Just try not to let it take up too much headspace, but also try to stay one step ahead. I would get it in and open it neatly (so it could be resealed). Then decide whether to donate, use it or if it was clearly calculated to provoke/upset you reseal it and send a message that it remains on your doorstep and needs to be removed or will be binned by xx date.

Absolutely ignore, don't open it. Bin it. Never acknowledge it. Don't engage in her game.

This is called “hoovering”. She is trying to suck you back into her grasp as she has lost control of you.

“Just when you’re trying to distance yourself from a narcissistic person, they may hoover you back in. They may dazzle you with compliments, gifts, and promises, or they may manipulate, threaten, or guilt trip you into doing what they want.

This toxic behavior often stems from a deep fear of abandonment, a strong sense of entitlement, and a need for control.

However, it’s important to protect yourself by recognizing this pattern and seeing through their behavior. Set boundaries with them and distance yourself from them, so they can’t manipulate your emotions anymore. Stay strong and don’t let yourself get sucked in!”

www.verywellmind.com/narcissistic-hoovering-8407338

Don’t post back, that’s what she feeds off. Either bin it unopened, or get someone you trust to open it and they can regift it or donate to a charity shop. Then carry on as you’re bravely doing.

I've been NC with my mother for years. I still get a card for my birthday and I send one for hers. That's it like.

Don't respond. Keep it or not but just ignore the gesture. If you return it then she's got ammunition. If it's brought up, say you don't know what they're on about. She'll think it was nicked.

Do what you want with the gift but do not acknowledge her. Advice above is all correct she is trying to hoover you back in. Any reaction at all is what she is trying to provoke, do not give it to her no. No response is to be your response. It doesn't matter what you do she will never admit shes lied about you never apologise for it and the words cannot be taken back. Do not be sucked back in. I have also been NC from my mother and shes done the same just to get a reaction. That is all they want. No doubt the gift is complete tat too.

Oh that is a really useful post.

I went no contact with my family far far too late in life.
But it was a great sense of relief when I made the decision.

But my sister won't accept it. Especially over this past year.And I've found her periodic attempts to suck me back in extremely distressing, particularly as she has quite literally had a devastating affect on my life by her behaviour. It's really useful to know that what she is doing in trying to draw me back in is a known pattern if behaviour.

So OP I really sympathise with you over this.
Personally I would put the card and the present in the bin. But I can understand the damage her very act of doing this reawakens the old hurts and is difficult to deal with mentally.

Do you have a trusted friend? If so, pass the package to them and ask them to dispose of it, either in the bin or in the charity shop. Tell them you don't want to know what they sent.

Forget about what your mum thinks. What do you want to do with the parcel? Do that, whether it’s donating unopened to a charity shop, bin, loft , whatever.

Thank you everyone for all of your replies - they have really helped.

I haven't opened the present and I still have no desire to.

My mum has always bought me really thoughtful gifts in the past so part of me is intrigued to see what's in there, but after 7 months of no contact I cant even imagine what she'd get? How can she think it's 'normal' to get me a gift after everything that's gone on? It's such a strange way of thinking.

I don't know what I'm going to do with it yet but all these replies have definitely convinced me not to acknowledge it or get in touch with her, or give her any kind of reaction.

Part of me is so tempted to open the card though.....just to see if she's written anything in there that might suggest she feels any regret or if she has offered any form of an olive branch.... but at the same time, the idea of her doing that is laughable so there seems little point in going looking for it.