Advice needed. NC Mother has left me a birthday present on my doorstep. How am I supposed to react?

[LondonLady1980]

It’s a very long story so in going to really summarise the background and then I’ll answer any questions that arise.

I’ve been NC with my mother for almost 7 months after I eventually stood up to her earlier this year following another episode of her giving me the silent treatment (a tactic she always favoured).

Prior to this our relationship was based on decades and decades of subtle manipulation, mind games and control, going all the way back to when me and my sister were physically, mentally and emotionally abused from when we were very young children. I’m now in my mid-40s.

My mum is your typical narcissist - everyone else thinks she’s wonderful, and she loves playing that role, and it’s only those close to her who know the real her.

Since standing up to her 7 months ago she has completely turned on me, lied about me, said some really unpleasant things about me, bad mouthing me to anyone who will listen, all whilst painting herself as the victim (you all know the picture).

Over the last few months I’ve been having counselling to help me come to terms with my childhood, how I was treated by my mother and how the dysfunctional relationship has manifested itself throughout my entire adult life too.

Anyhow, apart from me reaching out to her about three months ago (where she was then really unkind to me in response) there’s been absolutely no contact for seven months.

However, this morning when I left my house to go to work I found a birthday present on my doorstep and it’s from her. I haven’t opened it or opened the card.

But what do I do?

Not one part of me wants to open it.

One side of me wants to go to her house, hand it back to her and give her a piece of my mind, whilst the other part of me wants to completely ignore it and not give her any reaction.

But I don’t want her to think I’ve accepted the gift.
And I want her to know how angry I am for how she has treated me over the last 7 months (well, throughout my life really).

But I also don’t want to give her any ammunition to paint herself as the victim and me as the “Bad Guy” as she bought me a gift and I took it back (or didn’t acknowledge it). She’ll love telling people that story… 🙄

I’m in my living room, just looking at the unopened gift on my dining room table and I have absolutely no idea what to do.

There has to be some kind of ulterior motive going on here. I feel like she’s trying to trip me up.

What does she expect me to do with it?
How does she expect me to react?!

I’m just so confused ☹️

Exactly this. She's trying to force an action or reaction that you haven't agreed to. Feel free to open it, but do not feel obliged to respond either way.

It’s some books.

I’m currently doing an educational course two nights a week at my local college and they’re two books that are related to the course content.

@LondonLady1980
You've got her type nailed down absolutely my lovely.
NC is hard and harder still with others peoples expectations of matriarchal relationships in that "it's your mum - you must love her".
Don't ask your husband what is in the present - just ask him to lock it away & dispose of it tomorrow otherwise it will tug at your peace xxx

She probably thought there might be some life left in your relationship because you "reached out" to her 3 months ago.

Just spell it out to her in no uncertain terms. Send a letter saying you've now decided don't want any contact from her any more. Say it's because of the physical abuse and neglect in your childhood, give some examples that she can't fail to remember. Say you've finally come to your senses and you can't believe it took you so long to do so. Say no more birthday presents, Christmas presents, phone calls, emails, texts or contacts of any kind. They are not wanted and you will not respond.

Then that's done.

So gives with one hand, then takes it away with the other? Sounds like the present is a guilt trip.

Well, that made me feel weird just reading it so can’t imagine how you feel.
What an awful, crazy ‘gift’ to give. Practical (not a treat) overly personal (I remember you’re doing this course) slightly patronising like you’re a child again. Something you also probably don’t want to throw out. What’s wrong with a bunch of flowers if she really wanted to make amends. She’s a bloody nut job.

I reached out to her by sending her a text on a particular day that I knew she'd find difficult. I basically said in the message that although things aren't good between us at the moment, I knew she'd be finding the day hard and so I was sending the message to let her know I was thinking of her.

She left it a few hours before replying (purposefully to make me sweat) and then all I got was loads of abuse and nastiness from her.

I'd love to say that was the final nail in the coffin, but a few months after that there was another incident which was even worse and that one was what made me really understand what kind of cold-hearted person I was dealing with.

It's been really hard having to come to terms with the fact that the person who is supposed to love me unconditionally doesn't actually feel anything real for me. As a previous poster said, it's all just one big, manipulative game.

Do not return them.
Do not reply.

Expect more of this nonsense at Christmas.

Also expect random things to be given to reel you back...Classic things are objects from childhood or about you (baby books, clothes, old toys, even baby teeth?!?)
photos of you as a child that they "thought you might want" is also very common.

similar situation - I open and take to charity shop. Cards go in bin unopened. Do not enter into any sort of dialogue or exchange - this includes posting it back

I was her "Academic Golden Child" - that was always my role in the "Happy Family Life" she'd portray to others. It doesn't surprise me at all that she'd get me something like this. She would view any academic success I had as being her success too. These books represent a large part of the dysfunctional dynamic that has always existed between my mum and me.

Don’t react. At all

Open it and immediately put it on Facebook marketplace with the description ‘unwanted gift’. Make sure the settings are turned to ‘publish to all friends’. Someone, if not her will see the post and message will be well and truly received.

Yes it will give her mother great ammunition against the op. I told you all how awful she is my daughter, I can’t do anything right, bought her a thoughtful present and this is how she treats me. You’ve all seen what she’s done. Poor me.

Omg my mother did this. Gave me an envelope full of my baby photos one day out of the blue. I was baffled. I thought - don’t you want to keep them?! Obviously not.

Its totally standard apparently.
I was equally baffled when my my dad did it.

It’s crazy. And sad.

If they will be useful to you then keep them. Or donate them to College library if you don't want them in your house? Or charity shop them.

The best response is no response. Best wishes (from the adult child of a very very disordered female parent who appeared to the world to be a 'Mother')

Mine does this. They're such pathetic clichés, aren't they

I have just received a text: "Did you like your present?"

Ignore it or tell her you don't know what she's talking about.

Do not respond to her message aka demand.

I hate the fact she's back in my head.

I had done so well in coming to terms with everything and then the gift appearing put me back at square one, and now this text has put me back to the start yet again. It's like she's always there, taking up my head space. I can't stand the anxiety of always wondering where, and when, and how she's going to make her presence known to me again 🙁

Block her - not sure why you have not months ago

Seven months is no time to recover after a lifetime of abuse and manipulation. Of course it's got to you. But it's up to YOU now how you respond, you can change the dynamic.
You know she isn't doing it to make you feel better, you can learn to ignore the guilt that she has taught you to feel when she does these things.
Do not respond, talk it over with your husband when he gets home, and talk to us.

This is an attempt to centralise herself again. All narcs need centralisation because they lack a central self. So they'll flick between the rage, charm, and self-pity channels to see what gets a response. Any response or acknowledgement of the gift will satisfy her.

The bigger problem though, is that responding in ANY way will keep you on the torturous, soul-destroying narc merry-go-round.

You've gotten off the merry-go-round. Stoically and resolutely resist getting back on it, because it will simply bring more of the same pain and it will waste yet more of your life and energy.

In my case, I get my H to check the contents and then dispose (bin, charity) as needed without telling me what is in the package. Then I do something nice for myself. This trains my brain to associate such deeply unwanted and stressful contacts with nice, pleasant, satisfying things. It's helped over the years, now I don't get the heart-pounding agitated-for-days reaction anymore.