Advice needed. NC Mother has left me a birthday present on my doorstep. How am I supposed to react?

[LondonLady1980]

It’s a very long story so in going to really summarise the background and then I’ll answer any questions that arise.

I’ve been NC with my mother for almost 7 months after I eventually stood up to her earlier this year following another episode of her giving me the silent treatment (a tactic she always favoured).

Prior to this our relationship was based on decades and decades of subtle manipulation, mind games and control, going all the way back to when me and my sister were physically, mentally and emotionally abused from when we were very young children. I’m now in my mid-40s.

My mum is your typical narcissist - everyone else thinks she’s wonderful, and she loves playing that role, and it’s only those close to her who know the real her.

Since standing up to her 7 months ago she has completely turned on me, lied about me, said some really unpleasant things about me, bad mouthing me to anyone who will listen, all whilst painting herself as the victim (you all know the picture).

Over the last few months I’ve been having counselling to help me come to terms with my childhood, how I was treated by my mother and how the dysfunctional relationship has manifested itself throughout my entire adult life too.

Anyhow, apart from me reaching out to her about three months ago (where she was then really unkind to me in response) there’s been absolutely no contact for seven months.

However, this morning when I left my house to go to work I found a birthday present on my doorstep and it’s from her. I haven’t opened it or opened the card.

But what do I do?

Not one part of me wants to open it.

One side of me wants to go to her house, hand it back to her and give her a piece of my mind, whilst the other part of me wants to completely ignore it and not give her any reaction.

But I don’t want her to think I’ve accepted the gift.
And I want her to know how angry I am for how she has treated me over the last 7 months (well, throughout my life really).

But I also don’t want to give her any ammunition to paint herself as the victim and me as the “Bad Guy” as she bought me a gift and I took it back (or didn’t acknowledge it). She’ll love telling people that story… 🙄

I’m in my living room, just looking at the unopened gift on my dining room table and I have absolutely no idea what to do.

There has to be some kind of ulterior motive going on here. I feel like she’s trying to trip me up.

What does she expect me to do with it?
How does she expect me to react?!

I’m just so confused ☹️

Why do you do this though?

What do you actually write in the cards (and her in yours) if you have absolutely no other contact with her?

Do you do it out of a sense or duty? Or do you feel like you just can't make that final sever between you both?

This is such bizarre behaviour - I'm really sorry you are having to put up with this. Sometimes I feel really on edge....like I'm just waiting to see what my mum says, or does next to somehow make her presence known. I can never truly relax.

I'd either bin int or leave it on the doorstep in the hope someone nicks it (I live on a main road). I'd only consider donating to charity if I could bear to open it, just in case something nasty was in there.

I’d give it to my husband to open. I’d ask them if there was anything I needed to know (he’d be a good judge of this) and if not, I’d ask him to bin it or donate to charity shop etc.

This ^

You will always be the 'bad guy' so you might as well do whatever makes you happy, because either way you are going to be the bad guy, so be the happy bad guy : D

This is a freeing way to frame these types of interactions because if you know nothing changes, but you get either what you want or get to keep your peace, it helps.

I am dreading my own awful parent doing this, its the type of classic, lazy hoovering she would indulge in.

They would love the fact that we're giving them any thought, are confused, and distressed, and will be waiting for the reward of attention and an emotional reaction. Don't do it.

Ooh...a flying monkey in a box - that's what it is. It is designed to evoke memories of previous presents and remind you of how 'kind' she is.
I used to hand this sort of rubbish to a friend and tell them to not tell me what was inside and to keep it or donate it.
A charity shop will probably not take a wrapped gift due to H&S issues - I know we wouldn't.

One of my mum's favourite games was reminding me how kind she was...

She would constantly list off all the things she ever did for me or my children as a subtle way of keeping me in my place....

Lots of little reminders to make me feel indebted to her.....

It’s probably something sentimental like a jewellery box or watch that the same as when you were younger. The note will probably say that it reminds her of a birthday present she gave you when you were 10. It will be very triggering to open and read it so bear that in mind if you do think about it.
(I have had the same happen in a romantic relationship not my mum).

I will open the present and read the card, keep the present if I like it, put the card in the recycling bin and treat myself with a moka and some cake not giving it a extra thought.
She doesn't care about you, OP she only cares about her and your reaction even if negative.
If positive she wins, she can go back to control you. If negative she wins she is still the victim.
Don't react, grey rock it and open the present may be crap but may be something good, although I think will be something crap tbh.

My mum does not have the ability to be emotional or loving and she would have absolutely have no concept of nostalgia......she'd never show any kind of warmth or vulnerability.

My birthday cards usually look like this:

(my name)
Happy Birthday.
Mum.

Bin it. NC means NC. 💐💐💐

Snap - and mine is never a daughter one. Oh sorry no it's from her name and the dog who she loves far more than me

Ah ok.
The person in my life that was like this was the same but knew how to fake it. Big bunches of flowers given to me where everyone would see etc.
I hope that you are ok and that you made the best choice for you and that you heal after this
x

Glad it's not just me!!

My husband always get a more personalised one:

To (his name)
Happy Birthday
From (my mum's name)

Every year I wonder if I'm going to be worthy of a 'to' and a 'from'.

Maybe I should open the card just to see if this year is the year......

She does manage to write 'love from' when it comes to my children's birthday cards though.

You have to ignore any attempt at contact - ex is a clinically assessed Narc, along with other things and the Court has been very clear not to allow any contact at all. Ignore and call police if you have had issues of stalking, at the very least to log the contact from them on file.

You’ve made the decision to stop having a mum in your life, so probably the best thing to do is bin the gift.

IME they keep doing it to violate your space and remind you they exist, just to be at the forefront of your brain. It's a power play to put you off your actual life and have them being center of attention again. It's to remind you they know where you live and you can't stop them being around your house unless you take it further, which to them means you care.

Leave it on her doorstep and don’t ring the bell

"One of the last ones many years ago was just all my much loved grandmother’s china and glassware, things I would have loved to have, smashed up, thrown in a box and posted to me. It literally broke me. Such a nasty mean thing to do."

That's vile

Bin in without even opening and get on with your life. I’m NC with my own mum. She sends a cheque for £100 for my toddler son, who she has never met, every Christmas and birthday. I dump it immediately and then replace the £100 myself in his savings account so he isn’t the one missing out.

Bin it. Don't let the curiosity take over - just get rid. She doesn't get to take up space in your head or your house anymore, whether it's her physically or items that she's sent (as someone else described it - flying monkeys in a box).

I get a birthday card from my mum each year. I open it, keep the money if there is any (I call it reparations 🙈🤣), bin the card. It's a power play, designed to trap you and give them control over you - you're a good person so you'll feel bad for not opening it or binning it; if you send it back they can paint you as a bad person to anyone who'll listen; if you keep it you'll think of them every time you see/use it. It's a tactic for keeping themselves at the forefront of your mind.

@Moonboots123 I have a half brother who did this. I last saw him in 2001.
He returned my letter about the family CSA unopened (I was warning him not to let that Uncle babysit his own children. I tried 3 times, all sent back to me, even though the Police were involved). Yet, bizarrely, he has sent £10 to my 2 kids for Bday & Xmas for 18 years. I bin the cards (they've never met him as NC by his choice) & just put £20 in their a/c each year. Now youngest is 18 its stopped.

OP I wouldn't acknowledge the gift. I'd leave it for a bit. If you feel like opening it & it is useful (& dosen't remind you of her tooooo much then keep & use). If not, donate to charity for someone else to enjoy. Don't give her too much headspace.

I did the same and had over 20 years NC, which made a huge difference. Sadly, I never felt a full release from her until she died but when that came it was an enormous relief that there was no longer any chance of seeing her or hearing from her ever again.

I’d open it and then put it on Facebook marketplace,as free unwanted gift.

someone she knows might tell her but I’d love that for her,