Advice needed. NC Mother has left me a birthday present on my doorstep. How am I supposed to react?

[LondonLady1980]

It’s a very long story so in going to really summarise the background and then I’ll answer any questions that arise.

I’ve been NC with my mother for almost 7 months after I eventually stood up to her earlier this year following another episode of her giving me the silent treatment (a tactic she always favoured).

Prior to this our relationship was based on decades and decades of subtle manipulation, mind games and control, going all the way back to when me and my sister were physically, mentally and emotionally abused from when we were very young children. I’m now in my mid-40s.

My mum is your typical narcissist - everyone else thinks she’s wonderful, and she loves playing that role, and it’s only those close to her who know the real her.

Since standing up to her 7 months ago she has completely turned on me, lied about me, said some really unpleasant things about me, bad mouthing me to anyone who will listen, all whilst painting herself as the victim (you all know the picture).

Over the last few months I’ve been having counselling to help me come to terms with my childhood, how I was treated by my mother and how the dysfunctional relationship has manifested itself throughout my entire adult life too.

Anyhow, apart from me reaching out to her about three months ago (where she was then really unkind to me in response) there’s been absolutely no contact for seven months.

However, this morning when I left my house to go to work I found a birthday present on my doorstep and it’s from her. I haven’t opened it or opened the card.

But what do I do?

Not one part of me wants to open it.

One side of me wants to go to her house, hand it back to her and give her a piece of my mind, whilst the other part of me wants to completely ignore it and not give her any reaction.

But I don’t want her to think I’ve accepted the gift.
And I want her to know how angry I am for how she has treated me over the last 7 months (well, throughout my life really).

But I also don’t want to give her any ammunition to paint herself as the victim and me as the “Bad Guy” as she bought me a gift and I took it back (or didn’t acknowledge it). She’ll love telling people that story… 🙄

I’m in my living room, just looking at the unopened gift on my dining room table and I have absolutely no idea what to do.

There has to be some kind of ulterior motive going on here. I feel like she’s trying to trip me up.

What does she expect me to do with it?
How does she expect me to react?!

I’m just so confused ☹️

The sad part in all of this, is that despite everything I still don't want to hurt her feelings.

Oh no she really dislikes my husband. Didn’t get him one this year perhaps forgot no big deal but she saw a mutual friend post a happy birthday to him on Fb so messaged me said I forgot I’ll give him some cash when I see him. I know how she is so I shouldn’t be surprised but most people on forgetting the birthday of their only child’s other half would say sorry and get a belated birthday wishes card, it was the day after she realised. She did give him £20 the next time she saw him to be fair but she wasn’t going to make the effort and come round!

I'm not going to be popular for saying this, but I'd want to know what it says. What if she was trying to apologise? I'm not a fan of no contact, but I guess I'm in the privileged position of not feeling that I need to be.

She has always known how to send a text message, or phone me, or knock on my door if she had ever wanted to apologise. She could have done that at any point over the last 7 months if she'd wanted to.

I haven't gone into much detail in this post with regards to the things she has said and done to me over the last 7 months of NC, but no apology in a birthday card (if there was one) is going to hold any value or meaning to me.

But she knows you don't want her to do that. Perhaps she felt that a card to acknowledge your birthday was a low key way of pushing the door to see if it opened. You're in control. You can reject her approach, but I don't think she was wrong to try.

How does she know I don't want her to text/call/visit in order to apologise?

Well being non-contact is a pretty strong sign?? If someone completely ignored me, I'd take it as a sign that they didn't want me to contact them.

Just open it. Eliminate the guess work. You’ll find out where you stand. Then you can bin/burn/whatever you see fit. You don’t have to thank her. Sounds like you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t anyway.

I'm not ignoring her as she's made no attempt to contact me.

This is a woman who from me being two years old has abandoned me, neglected me, physically abused me, emotionally damaged me and gone on to manipulate me, blackmail me and subtlety control me for the entirety of my adult life.

I have absolutely no intention of reaching out to her because that's exactly how our dysfunctional relationship has always previously played out. Her genuine belief belief that she can treat me however she likes and that I will never question it or stand up for myself.

Well not anymore.

@Lougle it sounds like you’ve never been in this horridly complex situation so I’m not sure this advice really fits. She’s not ‘ignoring her’ she’s had to put distance in to protect herself. She’s had to have therapy because of this woman. Unless you’ve been there then, kindly, you’ll never get it.

I've been in a very low contact situation. I recognised it for what it was.

I'm not saying no contact isn't justified. I'm just saying that no contact but feeling the other person hasn't done the right thing to make amends is pretty tricky.

Treat it like an unexploded bomb. Scrub out your name and address and put it in a bin far away from your home.

Ignore it completely it’s all a game. I know from years of experience of this type of narcissistic behaviour

Hear that op?
Its the sound of 1000’s of daughters, of Narcs , cheering you on.
one dear friend of mine had a nervous breakdown over her nm.
Another friend went nc, and is now living her best life.
This dropping present on door step is typically narc behaviour- she didn’t knock did she?
She can tell all her cronies (the ones that still have anything to do with her ) - how kind she was to send you a present when you’re x, y and z - and you didn’t even acknowledge it.
one day you stand in a position of indifference. Until then bin the gift (avoiding any disappointment) and if anyone asked, deny all knowledge of it.
And (very importantly ) Enjoy the rest of your life.

Open it, see what it is and if you don’t want it give it to charity. Don’t contact her or tell anyone else you got it.

You'll never get any understanding from people with lovely families. No one would be questioning it if you went no contact with a crazy ex, but because it's your mother abusing you, people expect you to suck it up and put up with it. 🤷🏻‍♀️

If it were me I'd open it out of curiosity but would not acknowledge it. No contact is no contact. Her not knowing how you received it will drive her loopy hee hee hee.

If you want nothing to do with the gift either bin it or get someone close to you to deal with getting rid of it. It honestly sounds like your mother and her antics are best put out of your mind. Wishing you the best OP. ♥️

Sounds as if she's ready to start her manipulation again. Glad you're not falling for it.

First off, I am really sorry you are going through this op. Some people just shouldn’t be parents. Re the gift - absolutely do not respond to her. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Any kind of response is a Win to her. If it was me, I’d open it, to see if it was worth keeping or giving to charity. Shes not going to know either way, and will presumably lie about you to her friends anyway, so do what you want with it.

I'm going to get my husband to open it when he's home from work because I feel like I don't even want to touch it. I'm pretty sure she'll have got me something really thoughtful just to pile on the guilt even more.

I'd open it to see what's in it. Recycle any card and put any present in charity shop or bin.

Just open both and see what they are. If you like the gift, great. If you don’t, donate it. You don’t need to respond to her regardless.

It could equally be a lot of tat. Narcissists are more often than not crap gift givers and if they hit on the right thing it’s often by accident rather than design.

My mum has always been a great gift buyer - she's really thoughtful when she buys people presents.

She thrives on the adoration of others, so the more thoughtful, caring and considerate her presents show her to be, the more her needs are met.

Even if the gift is nice get rid of it all the same and do not give this item any more power. You do not speak to her for good reason.

Textbook "Narcissistic hoovering": a game she's playing to draw you back in. I wouldn't respond at all. I'd drop the present off at a charity shop unopened ("unwanted gift, please feel free to sell") or put it in the rubbish bin. The best response to a narcissist is no response whatsoever, it drives them mad. You're in control now, you have the power, don't give any of it away by responding.