Advice needed. NC Mother has left me a birthday present on my doorstep. How am I supposed to react?

[LondonLady1980]

It’s a very long story so in going to really summarise the background and then I’ll answer any questions that arise.

I’ve been NC with my mother for almost 7 months after I eventually stood up to her earlier this year following another episode of her giving me the silent treatment (a tactic she always favoured).

Prior to this our relationship was based on decades and decades of subtle manipulation, mind games and control, going all the way back to when me and my sister were physically, mentally and emotionally abused from when we were very young children. I’m now in my mid-40s.

My mum is your typical narcissist - everyone else thinks she’s wonderful, and she loves playing that role, and it’s only those close to her who know the real her.

Since standing up to her 7 months ago she has completely turned on me, lied about me, said some really unpleasant things about me, bad mouthing me to anyone who will listen, all whilst painting herself as the victim (you all know the picture).

Over the last few months I’ve been having counselling to help me come to terms with my childhood, how I was treated by my mother and how the dysfunctional relationship has manifested itself throughout my entire adult life too.

Anyhow, apart from me reaching out to her about three months ago (where she was then really unkind to me in response) there’s been absolutely no contact for seven months.

However, this morning when I left my house to go to work I found a birthday present on my doorstep and it’s from her. I haven’t opened it or opened the card.

But what do I do?

Not one part of me wants to open it.

One side of me wants to go to her house, hand it back to her and give her a piece of my mind, whilst the other part of me wants to completely ignore it and not give her any reaction.

But I don’t want her to think I’ve accepted the gift.
And I want her to know how angry I am for how she has treated me over the last 7 months (well, throughout my life really).

But I also don’t want to give her any ammunition to paint herself as the victim and me as the “Bad Guy” as she bought me a gift and I took it back (or didn’t acknowledge it). She’ll love telling people that story… 🙄

I’m in my living room, just looking at the unopened gift on my dining room table and I have absolutely no idea what to do.

There has to be some kind of ulterior motive going on here. I feel like she’s trying to trip me up.

What does she expect me to do with it?
How does she expect me to react?!

I’m just so confused ☹️

I don't know if it'll post, but I've long found this meme to encapsulate what it is like to be in a relationship with a narc. It's a game to them, and you'll always lose. So the best thing is not to play.

ETA: It didn't post. It's a computer screen that says:

GREETINGS PROFESSOR FALKEN

HELLO

A STRANGE GAME.
THE ONLY WINNING MOVE IS
NOT TO PLAY.

I’m so sorry for you and all the others on this thread with awful parents. It makes me appreciate my late mum even more and I really wish I could tell her.

OP do NOT let this woman upset you. She’s so not worth it.

Open it and take it straight into a charity shop that she might go into?

Oh, it's from War Games!

Great film - great advise.

Open it and keep it or bin it - whatever. She’s fishing for attention. That’s what you don’t give her. After a while, either she or one of her minions will contact you to ask if you received it. Ignore anything she asks, and say “I dunno” to her minions.

Because underneath all the hurt, the abuse, the games, the ill-treatment, the nastiness and the decades of manipulation, there is still the voice in my head that keeps saying, "But she's your mum."

Despite everything she has done to me, I don't want to hurt her, and I don't want to think of her being alone.

I know that those feelings are a result of the abusive/toxic environment that I was bought up in but they still exist.

You need to put your mental health first. The next move would be to block her.

I have a similar mother like many others on this thread and the stately homes thread ( I read many of a few years back which was an education). You have been groomed from birth to fulfil your role for her and its impossible to shake off in a short time frame. Took me til I was nearly 60 to realise what she was doing and stand up for myself as she was running me ragged and making me ill, she did her usual being nasty and sulking expecting me to go running back.........I didn't! That sounds simple, it wasn't, but trying to be concise.

You are in the first throws of grieving, not for her but for the mother you should have had, the one you deserved! It is a case of two steps forward one back initially. I had to change the ring tone on my phone as the sound set me shaking, even now a few years later if I hear that ring tone on someone else's phone it makes my stomach lurch. Eventually my phone broke so when I got a new one I kept the new number which helped me relax more as knew I wouldn't suddenly get a call from her or my sibling.

It will get better overtime and the peace you eventually get is worth this stage you are going through💐

You are in the early days of no contact and she's broken that already. Once you hit a full year of truly no contact, you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner. It is honestly a sense of peace once you've gone down the ignore and block route.
My mother had the audacity to go and die just after one year of no contact so she never got the chance to realise that now her fifth child had left her, maybe she was the problem all along. As in the words of Jennette McCurdy "I'm glad my mom died".
No more jump scares when the phone rings, no more guilty Christmas and birthdays. I didn't have the stress of becoming her carer or watching her get frailer whilst tolerating the insults and temper tantrums. Just peace.☮️☺️

Unless you block her, you are exposing yourself to further harm.

You don’t need to respond.