How do I enjoy being home now MIL lives here?

[Howdoyousolveaproblemlikemil]

TLDR - MIL has moved in with us and I feel like I can never relax and just have a normal family life with DH and DC. Any tips?

MIL split up with her ex and was left with no choice but to sell her home. The equity left meant she could only afford a flat here or a small house in a neighbouring but less desirable town. MIL wasn't prepared to do that.
We were moving at the time and DH suggested if we pooled resources we could get somewhere bigger with space for her. I didn't love the idea but didn't have much choice.
We found a nice house but it doesn't have a separate granny annex. It has a second lounge and a downstairs ensuite but we have to share the kitchen.
MIL put in 10% of the purchase price, we put in 25% and took a 65% mortgage. MIL doesn't contribute to mortgage or bills as she can't afford to. Her spousal maintenance goes on running her car.
DH took redundancy 5 years ago and is the primary carer for our 2 school age DC. He does some part time work but earns about 10% of what I do.
Therefore I feel the financial responsibility for the mortgage, bills and general keeping a roof over everyone's head.
However, my bigger problem is I don't feel like I can ever relax downstairs in my house. I don't enjoy her company. She's racist and opinionated. She talks at me when I just want to relax or cook dinner in peace after a long day at work. She makes tit for tat judgemental comments about things like the dog's food being left out all day because I'd asked her to get rid of some rotting fruit. She disciplines my kids when it's none of her business and they are just being a bit loud when playing.
There's not really any chance of things changing so I'm looking for ways to feel like it's my home and to relax in it without constantly feeling irritated by her. Any advice?

Your DH needs to get a full time job.

She gave her other kids about £20k each from the sale of her old house so doesn't have cash resources left.

What the fuck. No. Just no.

SHE needs to get a full time job, or become the main carer of your children thus enabling your DH to get a full time job.

They are both freeloading off you.

And you let them. There were a load of sensible practical conversations you should have had but didn't

Go nuclear.

My god I have no advice but this sounds like hell on earth. You need to get your DH to end this madness. I really, really feel for you. You absolutely cannot continue like this.

Well cheeky fuckery from in-laws getting 20k each you seemingly getting 100k but it's not really yours. And if something happens to her they'll be coming for their 'big share' of that 100k plus the increase.
So if she got her money back now she wouldn't be able to buy anywhere cos of giving the others some..

I would try the kitchenette and speak about some ground rules.

The annoying thing is you could have bought a good house for your family with 900k. Mother in laws 100k hasn't really given you anything just spoilt your life

Sympathies, I moved my Mum into our house, just for 10 days or so, when she was unwell last year and honestly it just changes the dynamics. It's tiring for me but I don't find her presence invasive, and the kids were fine with it really other than she takes one of their bedrooms. However my husband hangs out in the kitchen all the time, avoids the lounge and having to be sociable, and it's clearly really no fun for him. They do get on fine, but he just can't relax. Agree you definitely need to find a way to separate her more from the main household, and she tell you brother-in-law that you are supporting her financially and she's now doing your school pick-ups!

Why tf did you ever agree to this? Are you mad?

Why are you also allowing everyone to freeload off you because you are the main earner? Why are you letting BIL and SIL guilt trip you into looking after MIL because you earn more money than them? This whole thing is like you're being punished for earning more money than everyone else and is absolutely batshit.

I’m actually hoping this is a wind up because it sounds like a vision from hell

I can kinda see where MIL might be coming from... She has 'loaned' £100k- which is more than 50% of her pot- to help you and DH but a property you might not have otherwise have afforded to buy. So, for her, she isn't a guest, she also owns the house. So then, why should she not be in the kitchen or wander about?

Even to last until Christmas, you need ground rules for living. And also a longer term plan.

She really needs to see a financial advisor. So she knows, when she leaves, what her options are to maximise her income, and what to do re housing.

It's really quite tricky to be on your MIL position, but, that doesnt mean that you are responsible to fix it or provide a solution. Maybe, she might want to be financially independent and live on her own? Bearing in mind she has only just divorced, she may find she actually wants to make a change?

Jesus. She could live 30+ more years op. It’s FAR easier to change your mind now and sort it out while she’s fairly young rather than 5 or 10 years down the line. She and your DH have really pulled a number on you here, and his siblings must be ecstatic!! They each got 20k and no responsibility, result!

Honestly, get this woman out of your home by any means necessary, seek legal advice urgently. I don’t usually like ultimatums but you need to tell your DH you have been railroaded into this against your will, and that you have tried, but you cannot cope living like this, so does he want to continue to live him and his mum or does he want to be a family with you and DC. He can’t have both.

she's living IN the property and is contributing nothing towards living costs or doing much childcare as she's too busy running around after bils children. so no she hasn't loaned op anything.

Woah woah woah...

So she moved in with you.
Apart from her contribution to the deposit, she doesn't pay her way.
She gave your BIL £20,000 from the sale of her house.
She provides your BIL with free childcare.
Because she is providing your BIL with free childcare she can't provide you with free childcare.
Because she can't provide you with free childcare your DH can't get a full time job.

What the actual fucking fuck?

Your DH needs to say to her, "Mum, we need you to stop doing free childcare for BIL and do childcare for us instead, because he's had £20,000 and you're living with us and not contributing to the bills, which means I need to get a job before @Howdoyousolveaproblemlikemil divorces my sorry arse."

Why didn't she want to live in a flat? Because she's a snob. No other reason.

She sounds like the most unbearable cunt and your DH is a spineless prick for inflicting this crap on you. I would genuinely be giving him an ultimatum.

Yes! If you want to even entertain not divorcing and selling up, then you need a VERY frank chat with DH and MIL, sit them down together if you like.

This “arrangement” is on fucking thin ice, as is your marriage. She needs to either get a job herself to pay her way. Her equity doesn’t mean she doesn’t have to contribute to bills FFS! OR she does childcare meaning she picks YOUR kids up, and sod BIL. He’s not providing a roof over her head is he? In fact he’s just nabbed 20k, maybe that can go towards some childcare.

But I would actually not bother and go for buying her out if it was me. And if DH doesn’t support it he can go move out with his mum while you sell up.

I know. I'm just trying to see it from MIL side too. She possibly doesn't see her status in the house in the same way as the OP does. She also hasn't worked. So she may just expect someone else to do and pay for stuff for her- because that's what she is used to. And her contribution is to look after BIL kids, be there for others to chat to etc she potentially doesn't see why she would be expected to look after OPs kids...

I'm really not saying it's right. But when discussing with her, I don't imagine they will be coming from the same perspective.

She sees herself as an equal in the house. Many of these comments expect her to be grateful just to be there.

It’s actually unbelievable. I am filled with rage for you OP. But also cannot understand how you got here! If only you posted your doubts on Mumsnet before?!

Well, yeah. She owns 10% of the house. She gets to live in a big house rather than a flat, she gets to see her son and grandchildren daily. Yes it might feel awkward for her too but she is laughing really. And OP is paying all the bills and feels like a stranger in her own home!

She could live another 30 years! Absolutely I wouldn't accept this as my life. Why is her comfort more important than yours? Sell the house. She can rent a flat.

I'd be so resentful in your case.

I'd be fairly certain that she doesn't feel like she is the minority shareholder here ... I'm betting she absolutely thinks she is an equal partner.

If I was her, I wouldn't stump up 50% of my estate to feel like home help and beholden to my son and DIL.

Was your Mum, or your partner's Mum, so awful to you/him during your childhoods, that you/he had to go LC or even NC, Fuzzy? I am asking this genuine question because no-one who was lucky enough to have a very loving (and self-sacrificing) DMum, as I was, could coldly tell her DM, or the mother of her husband, that she was forbidden to go into part of the house that she also lived in, in the evenings.

I feel that I need to add that my DM never once, even hinted to me, that she gave up anything so that she help me with her very young grandchildren - but for the 4 years that I really needed her help, she did just that, and I was so grateful for her support of me and her grandchildren, at that harrowing time. By the way, I had never asked her for help, she could just see that I needed it. Other mothers/ grandmothers don't need to go to those lengths to have still been loving and brilliant mothers, and hopefully other Mumsnetters haven't been in a position as an adult, to still benefit from their own DMs' sacrifices.

@Howdoyousolveaproblemlikemil, his DM might actually like to have her own little kitchenette, so if there is room to put one in, ask her if she would like that.

She’s very young to be living with you! She could live into her 90’s op so something has got to change!
my gran used to say a woman can live with her own mother but under no circumstances her MIL…
you need to get an architect round and get some plans drawn up for making her living quarters separate, own kitchen and front door, no access to your space unless she knocks on the door.
have you a big garden? Is a cabin in the garden an option? They are permitted development unless you are in a conservation area I think, and you can get some really lovely ones.

Is she aware of your rows or do you keep that away from her. I’d say you need some kind of mediation with all 3 of you because your DH isn’t capable of dealing with it and without it she’ll drive you away.

This would be my worst nightmare! She put in 10% deposit and now lives in your space for free forever. Until she needs care and then she needs to release her equity?

So this is now indefinite, you hate living with her but now are tied into a property. Thia sounda like a nightmare and jf tou dont deal with it the end of your relationship.
You are currently paying for someone to ljve in yohr house that you dislike living with. The resentment will only get worse.
Can you create a proper granny annexe by reconfiguring? If you did that would she stick to her area? Or come in every day to watch tv etc?
Failing that then you need to move again or buy her back out.
How did you not realise her personality before you agreed to spend the rest of your life with her living in your house?

Tell your dh to drop her at bils for one weekend a month or you will file for divorce?
I can’t believe she can’t pick up your kids because she’s picking up bils - that alone would make me want to blow up the whole house.

But all of that can be done with as much love and compassion as possible, and in itself, it would be a massive upheaval for all of them coming so soon after their recent move to that property. I am sure that the OP realises now that she should have never agreed to her MiL moving in in the first place.

Can you afford an architect's opinion?

A relative decided not to move but to put the same money into making some big changes to their house. One thing they're getting is garden home office which can become a teenagers hangout space in due course.

As it happens they are going to be moving out for a few months while some of the work is done.

If you can say 'this isn't working for all of us so it can't continue. We either create separate space here, move to somewhere with an annexe or go our separate ways' and get an architect to give a realistic idea of how your current home could be remodelled both DH and MIL may cooperate.

A serious but non nuclear option is looking for a nice flat for yourself...