How do I enjoy being home now MIL lives here?

[Howdoyousolveaproblemlikemil]

TLDR - MIL has moved in with us and I feel like I can never relax and just have a normal family life with DH and DC. Any tips?

MIL split up with her ex and was left with no choice but to sell her home. The equity left meant she could only afford a flat here or a small house in a neighbouring but less desirable town. MIL wasn't prepared to do that.
We were moving at the time and DH suggested if we pooled resources we could get somewhere bigger with space for her. I didn't love the idea but didn't have much choice.
We found a nice house but it doesn't have a separate granny annex. It has a second lounge and a downstairs ensuite but we have to share the kitchen.
MIL put in 10% of the purchase price, we put in 25% and took a 65% mortgage. MIL doesn't contribute to mortgage or bills as she can't afford to. Her spousal maintenance goes on running her car.
DH took redundancy 5 years ago and is the primary carer for our 2 school age DC. He does some part time work but earns about 10% of what I do.
Therefore I feel the financial responsibility for the mortgage, bills and general keeping a roof over everyone's head.
However, my bigger problem is I don't feel like I can ever relax downstairs in my house. I don't enjoy her company. She's racist and opinionated. She talks at me when I just want to relax or cook dinner in peace after a long day at work. She makes tit for tat judgemental comments about things like the dog's food being left out all day because I'd asked her to get rid of some rotting fruit. She disciplines my kids when it's none of her business and they are just being a bit loud when playing.
There's not really any chance of things changing so I'm looking for ways to feel like it's my home and to relax in it without constantly feeling irritated by her. Any advice?

Who inspired you to say yes to this suicidal move....surely you carry a lot of common sense to be able to outearn a man

It sounds like an awful way to live - and this could be your lot for another thirty plus years!

you were crazy to agree to this - but you need to find a way out of it.

can you all sit down and have a frank conversation about how this isn’t working for you? Three years is a long time to put up with this - but would it help you if you had a plan at the end of that three years. Say this simply isn’t working and you can’t live like this. Sell the house and either buy a house with a proper granny flat or give her her deposit back and tell her to paddle her own canoe?

You MIL has very few options now re place to live. Which, tbh, was pretty silly of her and has left herself vulnerable. She hasn't gifted you the money- as she wants it back. Is the total she has, push her into IHT territory ? What does this mean in terms of any means tested support?

Is she eligible for the full state pension? What if she needs to go into a home?

Could she get any benefits now? She needs a job and an income stream. Even though she is in her 60's she could still work. At what? She would need to look into it.

How to make it bearable for you? I'd only suggest modifying the house as a last possible resort. Because I'd not want to live with her- it's way to messy. If she doesn't have any other cash, then you would also have to find this too. You'd need to look into regs re separate dwelling with council etc don't forget, if she has no income, you will also be paying ongoing bills .. and there is also nothing to say that the adjustments will increase the value of the property.

I don’t understand why she is living with you absolutely free. I thought when I read your original post that the 10% she paid into the property was essentially her contribution to living costs etc for next however many years but I see in your update that this is not the case and she has it written in that she is owed this back.
seems a weird set up, not sue how you got convinced that this was a solution but doesn’t sound sustainable going forward. You need to rework this. Give her her money back and move her out would be the obvious way. You tried, it’s not working and she’s taking advantage

What a bloody ridiculous sexist comment. Any woman can put earn a man😂😂😂. You do t need to be a superstar to earn more than a man! It’s not 1953

Gosh this really is excruciating for you. I would get a professional mediation person to help table a family meeting. My concern is that your physical or mental health might suffer as you simply have too many responsibilities and no safe space to unwind (I have been there and yup still unwell after 3 years). An outside mediator will help this from becoming an emotional slanging match and be solution focused. Why pay with either your marriage or health because of this narcissistic old bat?!

You need to do something to change the current situation. She's only in her 60s, you have potentially years of this.

Stop having massive rows with DH - you need to calmly make it clear that something has to change.

Three options:

You all sell the house, split the money according to what everyone put in then
you and DH buy something new together and MIL gets her flat

You borrow money to buy her out, she goes to live with one of the other siblings, or gets her $20K back from each of them so that she has money to get a new place and to live on.

You borrow money to do some building work so that you can carve out a granny flat for her with a kitchen for her and her own entrance.

From your description it sounds like you are paying for all bills, and she's not paying any rent, bill or food? Then you should also look at what that means for that 10% she owns of your home. She gave the siblings $20K, but the money she 'gave' you is still ringfenced. If she leaves that in her will, is it going to be split equally between all siblings, where you have been paying thousands for her upkeep for years?

I'd suggest working out some sort of tally of rent/keep so you all know where you are.

She will have to look at senior living flats as my mother did. They're suitable for over 55s. Are pretty good in my area. McCarthy Stone types. My mother is an awful snob too but made some good friends.

You didn’t have to agree to this in the beginning! No way would I do this! She isn’t your responsibility!! However, your DH needs to sort it out!

I like the suggestion of putting a kitchenette in the second lounge. I think we could afford to do that relatively cheaply.
I also think part of the issue is she's lonely so comes out of her room when we're in the kitchen to seek out company when all I want is to be with my DC after a long day at work.
DH says she does it during the day too and he finds himself getting behind on his jobs. He is trying to get a full- time job but still needs some flexibility to do pick ups. MIL can't as she helps BIL with his kids after school ironically. Having childcare on hand was one of the few pros I could think of but she isn't available!
I also think there's an element from BIL and SIL that I earn so much more than they do that it's fair that they got money and we got MIL.
The house was £1m btw so she put in £100k, gave away £40k and kept £40k from the £180k equity in her house.
I don't want people to get the impression I'm sitting here not saying boo to a goose. I am very clear with DH that this could lead to divorce and that financially I am more than able to just walk away. I have also made my views on him needing to work full time very clear and he totally agrees now youngest DC is at school.
However, it is more complex than that and I don't want to drive a lorry through the middle of our kids lives without trying to find a way to make it work.

This is grim OP. Feasibly she could be there for the rest of DC childhoods so you’ve given up precious family time. Taking the P she gave away money now living off you. Her contribution also going back to her!? DFIL must be delighted to be free. As someone said what if she needs nursing care? Is your home protected?
Really DH needs to sort it. Tell her it’s not working but prepared to give it 12 months. Need to respect space and be uncritical. Could one of the other siblings take her in? DH also needs to work. Ridiculous you have 4 dependents.

Dumb move sorry. Can you sell?

A massive argument is a one-off awkward event. Having your MIL live with you us the next 30+ years.

Tell your DH it's not working, tell MIL you'll give her back her money and take out a bigger mortgage. Give her until after Christmas to move out. Stay firm and insist that your DH is too. Feel the weight off your chest when she's gone. Done.

I think the BIG ARGUMENT is worth it. It's a boil that needs to be lanced. Yes, it will make a mess but so what? Why should you have to set yourself on fire to keep her warm?

Have the row. Draw the line in the sand. Stand your ground.

She's only in her 60s for heavens sake and she might well live for another 30 years. Imagine that....

A kitchenette will not solve this because she will be coming out to see you all the time anyway. You just have to rip off the plaster. Honestly OP, there's no way round this. You are going to have to be very very firm and risk being unpopular. Everyone will be annoyed with you, but it will be worth it. Remember you are not a cash cow or a sheltered housing provider. She's in her 60s and could have another 30 years ahead of her. She needs to make her own life.

so she lives at your expense and contributes nothing yet isn't really available for childcare as she's running around after Bils children. Just gers worse and worse

You putting in a kitchenette will do nothing to help, you've said she's lonely and so will keep joining in your family time.

Honestly have the big argument, sell the house and give her her share.

I agree with others, you need to be having a big argument. Give her back her money and then some (if that is what it takes), and let her find a way to live within her means (in a flat wherever). This is not a sustainable situation for you. Just think of how much resentment will build up year after year - at her, your DH, and how much of your children's precious childhood you will spend in a foul mood!

My gran lived with us, as it got to the stage that she wasn't looking after herself. Built an annex on the side of the house. Well, it nearly drove my mum to suicide towards the end. My dad worked away for years, on and off and left the rest of us to look after his mum and she was an incredibly difficult and unpleasant lady.

All I can say is please never let it get on top of you as much as it did my mum, stop it way before it gets that far. Life is too precious to let someone else spoil it. Good luck, it's not easy.. hope find something that suits you all.

Why did you agree to this?

Divorce.

Mummy's boy can live with Mummy.

You did have a choice. And IMHO your DH was v unreasonable to ask you. MIL doesn’t need care and, given her youngish age, will likely be in your household for your DC’s entire childhood/teenage years. That’ll affect the whole family dynamic, which isn’t great if you don’t enjoy her company.

What are you working so hard for if you can’t relax in your family home? It’s surely better to live as a family in a smaller, less convenient home. She’s been v unreasonable giving £20k to other family members then expecting to live with you.

It’s not great to share a house with relatives, without seperate spaces. She must also feel v uncomfortable not having her own space. A kitchen is the hardest thing to share if you’ve been used to your own.

Can you have some work done to give her a seperate space, effectively her own set of rooms within the house, including her own kitchen, e.g, could the spare reception room have a kitchenette fitted to become her kitchen, diner, living room?

If not, and you can’t immediately buy her out, then you’ll have to sit down with your DH and set some ground rules, e.g. MIL doesn’t say racist things in front of you and the kids, leaves you alone after work, only reprimands the kids if neither of you are there etc. Your DH needs to speak to her about it.

If you buy her out, she’ll have to get herself a flat. If she knows that’s your and DH’s preference, she may choose to give you more space to retain a larger home.

Would she be able to apply for social housing?

If she dies, will that 100k she put into your home be considered a part of her estate and partly go to your husband's siblings? Does she have a will and what is she doing with her deposit into your home in her will? Don't be shy asking, you need some straight answers to these questions.

What if she goes into care in a couple of years. Would the state come after you for that 100k?

You NEED to see a lawyer. You are potentially so behind the 8 ball it isn't even funny and your husband put you there. And that isn't even counting the fact she's a racist bitch who's always up in your space.

She gave money away of purpose so that this happened. Is there any chance that your husband was in on this?

It’s important to acknowledge personal responsibility here. You absolutely did have a choice, you made a poor one, and sadly you’re now suffering for it. That being said, you aren’t forever trapped - you’ve noted that you have options. You’ve asked how you can enjoy being at home with her there. The answer is I don’t think you can - no amount of putting in a kitchenette or adapting your own bedroom will override her desire to come in and interfere. The priority is selling up and going your separate ways now. If DH can’t get on board with that, then he’s made his choice. Either way, put an end to this arrangement and your own misery.

And quite possibly will need care at some point in the future too. I think it’s pretty obvious who would be on the hook for that.