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Original poster

How do I enjoy being home now MIL lives here?

376 replies

Howdoyousolveaproblemlikemil · 05/10/2025 16:15

TLDR - MIL has moved in with us and I feel like I can never relax and just have a normal family life with DH and DC. Any tips?

MIL split up with her ex and was left with no choice but to sell her home. The equity left meant she could only afford a flat here or a small house in a neighbouring but less desirable town. MIL wasn't prepared to do that.
We were moving at the time and DH suggested if we pooled resources we could get somewhere bigger with space for her. I didn't love the idea but didn't have much choice.
We found a nice house but it doesn't have a separate granny annex. It has a second lounge and a downstairs ensuite but we have to share the kitchen.
MIL put in 10% of the purchase price, we put in 25% and took a 65% mortgage. MIL doesn't contribute to mortgage or bills as she can't afford to. Her spousal maintenance goes on running her car.
DH took redundancy 5 years ago and is the primary carer for our 2 school age DC. He does some part time work but earns about 10% of what I do.
Therefore I feel the financial responsibility for the mortgage, bills and general keeping a roof over everyone's head.
However, my bigger problem is I don't feel like I can ever relax downstairs in my house. I don't enjoy her company. She's racist and opinionated. She talks at me when I just want to relax or cook dinner in peace after a long day at work. She makes tit for tat judgemental comments about things like the dog's food being left out all day because I'd asked her to get rid of some rotting fruit. She disciplines my kids when it's none of her business and they are just being a bit loud when playing.
There's not really any chance of things changing so I'm looking for ways to feel like it's my home and to relax in it without constantly feeling irritated by her. Any advice?

OP posts:
shhblackbag · 05/10/2025 21:56

PlayingDevilsAdvocateisinteresting · 05/10/2025 21:49

But all of that can be done with as much love and compassion as possible, and in itself, it would be a massive upheaval for all of them coming so soon after their recent move to that property. I am sure that the OP realises now that she should have never agreed to her MiL moving in in the first place.

Show quote history

Clearly she does. It also seems she didn't have that much of a say in the first place about the MIL moving in. I just meant that I would have some very serious conversations with the husband. Because I would not accept living like this, paying for her life while feeling uncomfortable in my home.

Charminggoldfinch · 05/10/2025 21:57

You are being taken advantage of OP. Your MIL is living in a very nice house which you pay for all the bills and upkeep, your DH does the housework and you are covering her expenses yet she cannot help you with childcare as she is helping BIL who she gave £20k to?! And she has a share in your house so will make money on any increase in value, including any value you add from work you pay to have done - so in the future it will cost you more to get her out after your own expense of paying for any work on the house?
What happens when she dies to the £100k deposit - do you have to pay BIL/ SIL their shares?
i agree with previous posts - you need to buy her out now especially before the house increases in value or you do anything to add value to the house. She will claim poverty as she has given away £40k of deposit money so she will have fewer options than what she did before - so I suspect she will ask you to cover the £40k too.

Endofyear · 05/10/2025 21:58

Sell the house, divorce, take your money and your kids and run!

Bloodyscarymary · 05/10/2025 21:59

I can sort of see how you could get yourself into this situation but I cannot fathom that her other two children accepted 20k each from her small pot when she doesn’t even own a property or have an income apart from maintenance! Cash gifts make sense when the parent has property and ample funds for retirement and doesn’t foresee any need for the money in the future. This is not the case here. I think a family meeting needs to happen and the other siblings need to return her money so that she can buy a flat. That’s totally horrendous selfish behaviour on their part.

HK04 · 05/10/2025 22:01

OP could you have afforded your home without her help at the time? If not, and albeit reluctantly that might have clouded your judgement at the time? From her perspective she might feel taken for a ride if you renege on the agreement. I don’t see it that way as silly woman gifted £s away when she was already in a precarious position. Not healthy or fair the rest of the family and worse your own DH happy to sit back and let you carry the heavy load with 4 dependents. Not to mention it’s your BIL who benefits from free childcare. Would £100k build a granny annex away from rest of house? Kitchenette unlikely to work. Feel for you OP. Rubbish situation with no easy way out. Your DH has to be the one to have the tough conversations. He should start by not allowing her to drain his time during the day. MIL sounds unpleasant and entitled.

MsSmartShoes · 05/10/2025 22:01

Op, you have my sympathy. I couldn’t imagine anything I’d like less.
You and your husband need to establish boundaries and enforce them.

TheQuirkyMaker · 05/10/2025 22:01

You haven't got a home now, have you? You are a sort of lodger in the place you live. You need to get her out of your life asap if you want a life of your own.

PlayingDevilsAdvocateisinteresting · 05/10/2025 22:04

shhblackbag · 05/10/2025 21:56

Clearly she does. It also seems she didn't have that much of a say in the first place about the MIL moving in. I just meant that I would have some very serious conversations with the husband. Because I would not accept living like this, paying for her life while feeling uncomfortable in my home.

Show quote history

I wouldn't/couldn't accept those living conditions either sshblackbag, but as I said, I wouldn't have agreed in the first place if she is as bad as the OP has painted her. The OP doesn't come across as a shrinking violet (sorry violets). I think that she, and her DH probably got too carried away thinking about the nice expensive house they could live in if MiL moved in too...

MO0N · 05/10/2025 22:06

Bloodyscarymary · 05/10/2025 21:59

I can sort of see how you could get yourself into this situation but I cannot fathom that her other two children accepted 20k each from her small pot when she doesn’t even own a property or have an income apart from maintenance! Cash gifts make sense when the parent has property and ample funds for retirement and doesn’t foresee any need for the money in the future. This is not the case here. I think a family meeting needs to happen and the other siblings need to return her money so that she can buy a flat. That’s totally horrendous selfish behaviour on their part.

The cash was given away so that she could claim poverty!
She's stitched the OP up like a kipper!

shhblackbag · 05/10/2025 22:09

PlayingDevilsAdvocateisinteresting · 05/10/2025 22:04

I wouldn't/couldn't accept those living conditions either sshblackbag, but as I said, I wouldn't have agreed in the first place if she is as bad as the OP has painted her. The OP doesn't come across as a shrinking violet (sorry violets). I think that she, and her DH probably got too carried away thinking about the nice expensive house they could live in if MiL moved in too...

Show quote history

Perhaps. I definitely agree with you that I wouldn't have done this in the first place.

suburburban · 05/10/2025 22:11

She should be helping with the childcare and school pick ups

ClairDeLaLune · 05/10/2025 22:19

WonderingWanda · 05/10/2025 16:23

Is there anyway to add an extention to make her space more of a separate annexe? This isn't going to work long term. Maybe your dh cam build it seeing as he doesn't work.

What a stupid suggestion. Would you suggest the same to a SAHM? Unlikely that DH would have the required skills to build an extension.

StewkeyBlue · 05/10/2025 22:21

Honestly I would buy her out. What the hell is wrong with living in a flat?

Otherwise, Kitchenette.

Rules: she stays in her suite except a night a week when she cooks for you all.

Unless he invites her in when you are at work.

Talk to your DH really seriously about the way she talks to the children. It really isn’t fair for the kids to put up with being told off by her when behaving normally.

Meanwhile why on earth are you coming home from a long day at work and cooking? She could do that. Does DH cook? I can’t help wondering about a set up where she has enough for a flat or a house but you had ‘no choice’ but to have her live with you.

FFS, she could do some after school childcare so that your DH could get a job.

WeeGeeBored · 05/10/2025 22:25

This is no life, op. You deserve much better.

Littlemisscapable · 05/10/2025 22:32

You are going to need that lorry ....to move MIL into her flat! However you have got to this point..this situation is crazy and unsustainable..your priority is with your kids and nothing about this bizarre set up is putting their interests first. Something has to give here and before it is your marriage you need to buy her out and move her out.
Nothing wrong in admitting that this isn't going to work out. Sorry..So which of these 3 flats are you moving to ? Or are you moving in with your other kids...offer those two choices.

MO0N · 05/10/2025 22:37

What the hell is wrong with living in a flat?
@StewkeyBlue I'd say the MIL see's herself as outranking her DIL. She will not tolerate a mere flat since her rightful place is as head of the £1million household & with her DIL working hard to keep her in the manner which befits a woman of her status.

peace7 · 05/10/2025 22:39

Hi what a horrible situation to be In. Why did she give away money which could have been used for her upkeep and now living off you

Luddite26 · 05/10/2025 22:39

Really she should have given equal amounts to her 3 children
Then invested 100k in to the house as that is not a gift to you it's still hers for the future.
That is not fair to start with.

WaltzingWaters · 05/10/2025 22:40

The kitchenette will do nothing. She’ll still be coming into your space whenever she wants. You’ll never feel at peace in your own home, and your whole children’s childhoods will fly by with this being the case. Don’t let it happen. The big argument is worth it. You’re being massively taken for granted here by both MIL and DH. Absolutely ridiculous that she felt she had money to give away to siblings and now pays nothing towards the house she’s living in, including childcare as she’s helping BIL!

Stand up to this.

StewkeyBlue · 05/10/2025 22:41

Missed one of your updates..

It is nothing sort of mad that she gave away £40k while not paying bills at yours AND while the other siblings get their £40k, the money she put into your house is ringfenced. She couldn’t afford to give away £40k.

AND she isn’t available to do childcare because she is busy with her other son to whom she gave £20k

The entire family treat you like a cash cow

OK, time for a review as to how it is going.

Agree some rules with your DH; e.g:
It is important to you to have time alone with your children and DH when you get in from work
It is important that your DH is not disturbed during his working hours.
If the children are winding her up she needs to just remove herself to her own space
She plans to commit xx time to helping with childcare

Then, with a united front, talk to her calmly and factually about this.

Tell your DH that you are deeply unhappy and cannot and will not live 25 years as you are at present so it is important, Very Important, that he stands shoulder to shoulder with you in this.

LancashireButterPie · 05/10/2025 22:42

Oh OP, what a situation to be in.
I think you need to call a meeting with MIL and DH.
Tell them that you are struggling in the situation and that you are going to have to impose some rules to ensure that you can continue to live together for the time being.
The rules should include,
No racism
No disciplining your children
Time in the evenings for you and DH to be a couple.
Proportionate contributions to household finances.
Multi generational living is so difficult.

Mondayblues2 · 05/10/2025 22:44

shhblackbag · 05/10/2025 21:56

Clearly she does. It also seems she didn't have that much of a say in the first place about the MIL moving in. I just meant that I would have some very serious conversations with the husband. Because I would not accept living like this, paying for her life while feeling uncomfortable in my home.

Show quote history

The OP could have said no, but she chose not too. I find it hard to believe that as the major earner she somehow had no choice. No one signs the paperwork by mistake

Just4June · 05/10/2025 22:48

  1. With a MIL like that there's no way I'd want her involved in providing child care for my dc - inflicting racist opinions and feeling even more right to tell them off. Keep those boundaries very firm.

  2. Work out with MIL's other dc a suitable rota so that she spends a late afternoon / evening at each of their houses, and eats with them. Then back home to sleep. This is not about money it's about MIL sharing her time with all the family.

  3. One weekend a month she spends a whole day (overnight if they can accommodate her) with each of her other dc. You need this space as a family without her.

  4. Yes to doing whatever you can (within the confines of space and money) to create a proper self-contained appartment: a living kitchenette, own front door, access to the toilet / bathroom facilities, a small separate sleeping space. Then she can invite her friends family to visit her as well. So annoying that if she hadn't given away money she might have had enough to pay for this work herself!

  5. Invite her to spend one evening each week with you and your family, to eat with you (then you all get busy with your hobbies / clubs activities and leave her to return to her own room), and another evening after she's eaten tea in her own space / kitchenette when she spends family time with you. Then you need to find a way to discuss and establish boundaries so she clearly has her apce, and you have yours.

  6. Gently and firmly call her out whenever she oversteps the line. No racist remarks, no comments on your dc's behaviour, no interrupting dh when he's busy, or you when you're busy.

Lighteningstrikes · 05/10/2025 22:50

It never works.

I have witnessed horrific fallouts over the years with different friends and their parent(s).

She’s so lucky that you helped her out of the soup, but she is pissing all over you.

This won’t get any better until she is gone. At the moment she thinks she’s got you trapped with her. What a horrible woman to live off you free and treat you like shit.

Yellowshirt · 05/10/2025 22:57

Eventually it will lead to the end of your marriage.

My ex mother and father in law insisted on seeing there granddaughter every single day unless they were away on holiday.
This went on for 14 years. It was absolutely horrible coming home from work and not being able to do the most simple family things or relax in my ien home.

Any plans we made even a simple meal to a local pub also had to involve the grandparents.

I'll never fully understand why my ex wife never felt able to speak to her parents about such an awkward routine but ultimately I think my ex wife was more worried about he'd inheritance than being in a happy marriage.