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Original poster

How do I enjoy being home now MIL lives here?

376 replies

Howdoyousolveaproblemlikemil · 05/10/2025 16:15

TLDR - MIL has moved in with us and I feel like I can never relax and just have a normal family life with DH and DC. Any tips?

MIL split up with her ex and was left with no choice but to sell her home. The equity left meant she could only afford a flat here or a small house in a neighbouring but less desirable town. MIL wasn't prepared to do that.
We were moving at the time and DH suggested if we pooled resources we could get somewhere bigger with space for her. I didn't love the idea but didn't have much choice.
We found a nice house but it doesn't have a separate granny annex. It has a second lounge and a downstairs ensuite but we have to share the kitchen.
MIL put in 10% of the purchase price, we put in 25% and took a 65% mortgage. MIL doesn't contribute to mortgage or bills as she can't afford to. Her spousal maintenance goes on running her car.
DH took redundancy 5 years ago and is the primary carer for our 2 school age DC. He does some part time work but earns about 10% of what I do.
Therefore I feel the financial responsibility for the mortgage, bills and general keeping a roof over everyone's head.
However, my bigger problem is I don't feel like I can ever relax downstairs in my house. I don't enjoy her company. She's racist and opinionated. She talks at me when I just want to relax or cook dinner in peace after a long day at work. She makes tit for tat judgemental comments about things like the dog's food being left out all day because I'd asked her to get rid of some rotting fruit. She disciplines my kids when it's none of her business and they are just being a bit loud when playing.
There's not really any chance of things changing so I'm looking for ways to feel like it's my home and to relax in it without constantly feeling irritated by her. Any advice?

OP posts:
carly2803 · 05/10/2025 19:35

either sell the house or get a garden annex for her - they are not as expensive as you may think!

i could not deal with this long term!

tiredangry · 05/10/2025 19:36

Any chance of building a separate little annex in the garden

cupfinalchaos · 05/10/2025 19:37

This is intolerable. And you’re paying for them all? Her personal situation should not be impacting on your family life. No, you should not be expected to live with her. It takes a lot for me to suggest breaking up a family, but in this case you will have to give your dh an ultimatum.

tsmainsqueeze · 05/10/2025 19:37

Have you thought about a self contained building in the garden for her ?
You are better than me ,no way could i have contemplated what you are doing.

NameChange1212 · 05/10/2025 19:37

Firm boundaries that your DH informs her about and holds. No racism. No inappropriate disciplining of the kids. Etc.

If he won’t can you get evidence of the racism, etc.

Please look at how you can save your sanity. If that could involve separating (not just you calling the shot, but your DH or DH egged on by the MIL) get legal advice to see how you can protect your relationship with the children and your assets. For example, just be careful he doesn’t end up as the primary carer and you don’t end up having to pay for everything.

godmum56 · 05/10/2025 19:37

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 05/10/2025 18:57

OK, on that last point, I would say that her storming off in a sulk is a massive win because then she's no longer in your space.

You have to be more firm with your DH.

Sit him down and say this:

"DH, I was emotionally blackmailed into living with your mother and I regret not putting my foot down and just saying no. I cannot live like this in the long term. It will not all settle down in time. The longer I live with her the more I will resent it. I will come to hate her and eventually come to hate you. This is a marriage deal breaker for me. You need to go back to work and help take the financial pressure off me, and we need to sit down with your mother and tell her it's not working and we will find a way of buying her out so she can get herself a flat. I don't care if she doesn't want to live in a flat. I don't want to live with her. And since I'm the one paying for nearly the entire house, what I want trumps what she wants."

Show quote history

this. big girl knickers up and foot down.

OodlesTheTalkingPoodle · 05/10/2025 19:39

You say you love your husband but he's shown you zero respect or consideration in this scenario and has upended your entire life. I would give him an ultimatum because of this continues you'll just end up hating him anyway.

Deafnotdumb · 05/10/2025 19:41

Either find a way to buy out her 10% stake or you will be financing her for the next 30 years. If DH goes back to work, can you add to the mortgage? At 65% LTV, it might be doable.

Yes; there will be problems. But the 'I can't afford to contribute" would have me livid. She’s substituted your income for her ex-partners. You are married to her son. There's nowhere in the marriage vows that say you are expected to fund her, too.

WatchingTheDetective · 05/10/2025 19:43

I think you need to act immediately. The longer she's there, the more she'll feel like it's her home. The older she gets, too, the harder it will be for your husband to tell her to go.

Get the money together and tell her it's not working for you, give her the money and tell her she has to go.

It's outrageous that you should be paying all that money and working so hard, only to have to share your home with her.

She should remember that if she remarries her income from her XH will end. She might find it ends if she cohabits, too.

suburburban · 05/10/2025 19:45

Deafnotdumb · 05/10/2025 19:41

Either find a way to buy out her 10% stake or you will be financing her for the next 30 years. If DH goes back to work, can you add to the mortgage? At 65% LTV, it might be doable.

Yes; there will be problems. But the 'I can't afford to contribute" would have me livid. She’s substituted your income for her ex-partners. You are married to her son. There's nowhere in the marriage vows that say you are expected to fund her, too.

Why isn’t she working

are your own dps around to support you OP?

Mondayblues2 · 05/10/2025 19:46

Engineeringdevelopment · 05/10/2025 19:13

The easiest least drastic route is to reconfigure the space so she has a separate kitchen (likely to be cheaper than moving) and if at all possible linked to her other rooms so she has a separate flat.
Get an architect round for ideas. Maybe in her living room perhaps by extending it if. needed.

And make it clear that you have evenings and weekends separate unless you invite her, eg for Sunday roast. It might be good to agree to share one or two meals a week so she knows there will be some contact so she knows not to come at other times. Also I think this might make you one household for council tax, so worth checking.

I’d also make sure the siblings know that she’s not contributing to anything so she doesn’t moan about all the free childcare she does. Separate living spaces in the evening is very common in this kind of situation. Maybe the siblings can help her pay for it if they have any of their 20k left over!

This is good advice

Cphalen · 05/10/2025 19:51

You need your own space. Go over your house hold expenses and see if you can move again or add a room. I imagine most of your family will understand. Look at the house, can you make changes or add on? I would also make it clear this is your space. Do you have a garage? Listen you have done more than most men by paying for everything and just taking the mil into your home. She should never discipline your children unless danger is involved. Be truthful with your wife,you need a man cave.. privacy when you get home at night and freedom to make your own decisions. Get a. housing loan
Make it happen and make it yours.

KoalaKoKo · 05/10/2025 19:55

I think you need to give your partner an ultimatum - tell him you love him and do not want to split up but you can not live with MIL so if splitting up is the only way you can live separately from her then you will have to go that way. It is shocking she gave away money when she was too broke to pay bills or her share of living expenses - I think she sees you as her retirement plan.

Offer her the 10% she put in, whatever percentage that has increased and offer to go cosignature on a mortgage. Even if you have to pay something towards a flat for her and keep that percentage in your name. You will lose your
mind living with someone like that for another 30 years!

Anyahyacinth · 05/10/2025 19:56

Can’t you begin a tradition that you explain to her of ‘little family evenings’ where you get to completely chill and she uses her own space and gives you time to relax just the 4 of you. Or get her to babysit and you go out or make your bedroom a refuge away from her? Incredibly hard to live with, I’m sorry

Goldbar · 05/10/2025 20:03

Invite your own mother for a loooong visit.

Start hosting lots of weekend and afternoon playdates.

Start going to the gym on your way home from work or going out with friends so MIL and your DH are left to wrangle the kids.

Take up the drums and encourage the kids to do the same.

Sell your TV so the only TV is in her living space.

Nana4 · 05/10/2025 20:07

So an able bodied woman who is not retirement age is now being supported by her adult sons wife at the expense of the family and her grandchildren. She is not contributing to her own living expenses but can afford to run a car. She has deprived her own assets to give to family who are not supporting or helping her but after however long she lives with you she expects her deposit returned or it will be part of her estate. She doesn’t do any chores to assist with daily life but helps with the children occasionally, and expects to rule the roost and tell you what to do in your home. Has she no shame!!

autienotnaughty · 05/10/2025 20:08

How did it come about? Was it mils idea or dhs? I’d hate i really feel for you.

ShiftingSand · 05/10/2025 20:09

Isn’t there a saying about two women not being able to share a kitchen? I know I couldn’t share mine with a female relative. Is there any chance that she will also get fed up with the living arrangements and decide to go elsewhere? The problem is that moving again will cost money which will eat into your options. I suggest having a family meeting and discussing the situation and putting in some firm boundaries. Your husband will need to be able to stay on your side while taking into account his mother’s feelings.

OompaLoofah · 05/10/2025 20:11

  1. Can you put a kitchenette in the second lounge and turn it into a granny annexe. Then she has her own space and no need to come into your side of the house unless invited?

  2. alternatively, if you’re at the stage where no fucks are given and don’t care about maintaining the relationship, just keep calling her out, telling her you don’t care about her opinion, reprimand her each time she tells off your children, suggests as she has her own lounge she can take her opinions and piss off there with them 🤷🏼‍♀️

  3. Tell your husband he needs to put his mom in her place and start laying down some boundaries.

  4. Raise the money to pay her off and give her reasonable notice to move out.

DoubtfulCat · 05/10/2025 20:19

Cphalen · 05/10/2025 19:51

You need your own space. Go over your house hold expenses and see if you can move again or add a room. I imagine most of your family will understand. Look at the house, can you make changes or add on? I would also make it clear this is your space. Do you have a garage? Listen you have done more than most men by paying for everything and just taking the mil into your home. She should never discipline your children unless danger is involved. Be truthful with your wife,you need a man cave.. privacy when you get home at night and freedom to make your own decisions. Get a. housing loan
Make it happen and make it yours.

What made you think the OP is a man? MiL is her husband’s mother.

SoOriginal · 05/10/2025 20:20

Kids are school age… how about DH gets a job and borrows the additional 10% needed to pay back MIL.

Tapsthemic · 05/10/2025 20:22

OP have you tried to put down some house rules? Obviously it would need to be articulated by your DH, but a clear set of boundaries eg “no racist opinions in front of us or the kids” and explain how you like a bit of quiet downtime when you get home from work, etc.

AtIusvue · 05/10/2025 20:24

One of the lounges needs to be made into a studio flat. Knocking into the downstairs bathroom, if it shares a wall.

This means putting a locked door, perhaps a new thicker door- to help keep the noise out.
Put in a kitchenette, bed and small living area. You could also at the same time put some sound proofing into the room, to reduce her being affected by the noise of the kids.

Or if this doesn’t work, use the largest bedroom in the house to accommodate a studio flat.

Since as your DH is at home all day, he can be in charge of the refit. Your MIL will have to find money to help finance this. Should be 50/50.

godmum56 · 05/10/2025 20:27

KoalaKoKo · 05/10/2025 19:55

I think you need to give your partner an ultimatum - tell him you love him and do not want to split up but you can not live with MIL so if splitting up is the only way you can live separately from her then you will have to go that way. It is shocking she gave away money when she was too broke to pay bills or her share of living expenses - I think she sees you as her retirement plan.

Offer her the 10% she put in, whatever percentage that has increased and offer to go cosignature on a mortgage. Even if you have to pay something towards a flat for her and keep that percentage in your name. You will lose your
mind living with someone like that for another 30 years!

DO NOT cosign a mortgage!

Crikeyalmighty · 05/10/2025 20:29

Is she getting a pension? She had no business giving her other kids £20k each by the way and expecting to live totally free of charge.