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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help! I’ve just come out to my husband of 10yrs

262 replies

StrawberryTeddybear · 03/10/2025 19:49

Married for 10 together for 18yr have 3DC.

relationship has been strained for a while. We have been very distant with busy lives/kids and DH lost his dad a few years ago.

I have been in therapy to explore childhood trauma and felt I have been “reset” to my original self and Been through lots of other mental health challenges and had a difficult time over past 10 years or so. I’ve always liked women more than men, openly so but recently it’s been so strong I can’t ignore it anymore, the desire to be intimate with my husband got less and less and it became another area we were drifting apart.

Once I had the light bulb moment that I might actually be gay or bi it felt so right and I needed to tell my DH, but I was naive and he’s very upset and wants to make an ‘exit plan’ to leave me sooner than later.

I naively hoped he would understand that this is so big for me and I am scared and relieved of my truths, I hoped he would be supportive of me but this is not the case.

Not sure where to turn. Anyone experienced this? Or have some kid words to share - feel lost.

OP posts:
forgotmyusername1 · 04/10/2025 07:23

Op if the shoe was on the other foot and your husband came to you and said 'I'm gay and want to discover myself' would you be upset and want to leave or be happy for him and help him find a man on grinder?

Maybe be thinks you have had an affair with a woman which is how you know you are gay. Maybe he thinks he had wasted 18 years of his life with someone who was never attracted to him and it is now too late to find someone who actually loves him. Maybe he thinks you used him to get children- either way he isn't going to be throwing you a coming out party when you have just thrown a hand grenade into your marriage.

MummyJ36 · 04/10/2025 07:29

It was probably a bit of a shock for him that you shared this information during a couples therapy session where you were apparently there to work on your marriage…

forgotmyusername1 · 04/10/2025 07:39

StrawberryTeddybear · 03/10/2025 21:01

Thank you @Mt563 @Wowwee1234 . I need to give him time and when the conversation came up I wasn’t sure where it would end up but I didn’t expect it to just go to ‘ok bye’. There’s lots of things that will come up over the next few weeks I’m sure and I hope we can remain with our therapist to talk it through.

I don’t know why I’m so surprised that so many posters on this thread think that people should stay in relationships that are unhappy to keep pleasing others ffs. a lot can change in 18yrs.

Yes therapy is self centred and that is the whole bloody point, it’s the only time people are actually allowed to talk about themselves without being called selfish and told to just suck it up and get on with it.

i can’t remember the poster who said but thanks for the Reddit suggestion, I’ll try that.

People don't expect you to stay in an unhappy relationship. People are reacting to your suprise that your husband wasn't supportive of this bombshell.

Daleksatemyshed · 04/10/2025 07:40

If your marriage was failing anyway then your DH really didn't have much reason to stay, now you've told him you're gay/bi that's the last straw for him. Hopefully you can both put your DC first and have a reasonable parenting relationship

Original poster
StrawberryTeddybear · 04/10/2025 07:45

Subwaystop · 03/10/2025 22:10

OP: I’m also surprised by the reactions here. You’d think you’d committed a crime by sharing honestly with your husband, the one person you’ve spent years sharing with! Sometimes Mumsnet commenters can turn into a hive mind, and then all the comments mimic each other like copycats, “selfish, what did you expect, poor bloke, etc etc etc”. They’re feeling sorry for the bloke? Oh, please. They’re just bored, enjoying rubbing salt in the wound, full of self righteous haughtiness, and acting like a bunch of bullies. It’s a women’s forum, yet sometimes you’ll find one responder after another falling over themselves to defend the men. “If a man said this, if a man did that, what would you say then …” blah blah blah. As if there aren’t usually powerful but subtle differences between when men do things and when women do. So tired of the reversal comments which get trotted out a million times as if they are some brilliant original thought.

OP, my advice is don’t take the bullying to heart. Find a more appropriate forum where you’ll actually get ideas and advice instead of a gloating pile-on by people who clearly don’t care.

Thank you so much.

OP posts:
Luxio · 04/10/2025 07:55

It's very interesting that myself and several others have asked what you actually expected him to offer support wise and you're choosing to ignore that and other sensible questions but instead you reply to thank those who have posted in support of you and who are saying he is wrong for how he is feeling.

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 04/10/2025 07:56

Luxio · 04/10/2025 07:55

It's very interesting that myself and several others have asked what you actually expected him to offer support wise and you're choosing to ignore that and other sensible questions but instead you reply to thank those who have posted in support of you and who are saying he is wrong for how he is feeling.

Me me me me me

Bethany83 · 04/10/2025 08:04

This is very sad for both of you. Of course you never meant to hurt him but ultimately you have and he is likely devastated and shocked by what you have revealed. You need to try and see it from his perspective. I think a divorce is inevitable and he knows that feel down, hence why he is wanting out immediately. Hopefully in time down the road you can be genuine friends and one day be looks back and realises that you being honest was best for everyone. X

LipFillerAcrossTheUniverse · 04/10/2025 08:09

Whose idea was it to have ‘couples therapy’ ?
Is the therapist male or female ?
Have you been in therapy long ?
Transference ?
My truths ? 🤮 Are you American or are you a massive fan of Meagain Meghan Markle and The Spare Prince Harry?

NellieElephantine · 04/10/2025 08:15

StrawberryTeddybear · 04/10/2025 07:45

Thank you so much.

Show quote history

Ah, you're one of those posters op, who only acknowledges the responses that ypu agree with you in your 'alas, alack, woe is me!' Me-centric viewpoint?

JamesWebbSpaceTelescope · 04/10/2025 08:17

Why would he continue to go to couples therapy with you? You are no longer a couple and there is no way you will ever be again.

You are going to have to work this out on your own now.

Happyjoe · 04/10/2025 08:18

Well, better late than never to be truthful to yourself and you do have to live your life in truth, so I do think you're on a better path for you. Your husband and children, step gently. Hubby is going to be very hurt, the children may be too. Time will help, but for now please don't expect anything from them in this painful time and hopefully with gentle nurture you both can parent together well and both move forward in a positive way. I wish you all well and all be happy.

user1471538283 · 04/10/2025 08:22

I've never gone to couples therapy but surely the point is to get through issues to make a marriage stronger. This wouldn't include your being gay. So you don't need that any more.

What did you expect? You've thrown a bomb into your marriage and past together. Of course he's going to leave you.

BuckChuckets · 04/10/2025 08:24

I haven't read the whole thread, but I'm sorry you seem to be getting a lot of flack here, OP. To me you haven't come across as selfish, it's obvious how painful you're finding it, and how bad you feel about hurting him. I feel for both of you, but I agree that you shouldn't keep living a lie in a relationship that's not right for you. Some posters are acting like you've cheated on him, but all you're doing is saying sorry, this is not who I am and I can't live like this.

You have children so I hope you get to happy place in the future where you have a friendship. It sounds like there's a lot of love from both sides.

NellieElephantine · 04/10/2025 08:25

user1471538283 · 04/10/2025 08:22

I've never gone to couples therapy but surely the point is to get through issues to make a marriage stronger. This wouldn't include your being gay. So you don't need that any more.

What did you expect? You've thrown a bomb into your marriage and past together. Of course he's going to leave you.

I think op with the veiled comment There’s lots of things that will come up over the next few weeks I’m sure and I hope we can remain with our therapist to talk it through.
means she's going to subtly hint with the support of the totally unbiased 'therapist, that it's somehow all his fault, that he's awful and in the wrong, and best way forward is he leaves the family home, while of course fully funding it, and a little bit of spousal to help carve her new wonderful life out?

Nolongera · 04/10/2025 08:37

NimbleDreamer · 03/10/2025 20:21

How exactly did you expect him to react? Get the pom poms out and do a cheerleading routine?

And a parade.

He should be so grateful to be told his entire married life is based on a lie.

QuickNameChange22 · 04/10/2025 08:41

I'm a bit confused, you said that you had always liked women more than men, openly so, but now you're only just coming to the realisation that are gay or bisexual? Unless you meant liked in the general, friendship type way. Sorry I haven't RTFT to see if this has been established.

I'm not too sure why you're surprised at his reaction though, if my husband had come to this realisation and told me I'd be devastated, our entire relationship would feel like a lie and of course I'd be making plans to leave the marriage.

Jennyginger · 04/10/2025 08:42

Subwaystop · 03/10/2025 22:10

OP: I’m also surprised by the reactions here. You’d think you’d committed a crime by sharing honestly with your husband, the one person you’ve spent years sharing with! Sometimes Mumsnet commenters can turn into a hive mind, and then all the comments mimic each other like copycats, “selfish, what did you expect, poor bloke, etc etc etc”. They’re feeling sorry for the bloke? Oh, please. They’re just bored, enjoying rubbing salt in the wound, full of self righteous haughtiness, and acting like a bunch of bullies. It’s a women’s forum, yet sometimes you’ll find one responder after another falling over themselves to defend the men. “If a man said this, if a man did that, what would you say then …” blah blah blah. As if there aren’t usually powerful but subtle differences between when men do things and when women do. So tired of the reversal comments which get trotted out a million times as if they are some brilliant original thought.

OP, my advice is don’t take the bullying to heart. Find a more appropriate forum where you’ll actually get ideas and advice instead of a gloating pile-on by people who clearly don’t care.

…people who clearly don’t care

Who could also be called "people who recognise that OP is not the only one in this family whose feelings matter, and that she is so self-absorbed she assumed her husband would be supportive of her announcement that she wasn't attracted to him and is surprised that he no longer wants to be married to her".

Floorfeelslikelava · 04/10/2025 08:53

“I don’t know why I’m so surprised that so many posters on this thread think that people should stay in relationships that are unhappy to keep pleasing others ffs. a lot can change in 18yrs.”

Well, yes, but the whole point is that in making a lifetime commitment to each other, and particularly once you’d chosen to have kids, you promised each other that that change wouldn’t mean that you bailed.

How can you say all this “my truths” stuff with a straight face? Jesus, I’m embarrassed for you. Don’t you think we all have “truths” about who we are or have become, but once we’ve asked another person to cash in their life chips with us and give us their best years, then any half decent human being absolutely does have a responsibility to see that through and not break their heart, even if it means that you
personally live a less happy life. We all have a responsibility to have a serious think before we get married - for example, about whether this person is the right sex for you. If you don’t, then hell, yes, you
may have to live with some unhappiness but it’s not fair to transfer your failure to think on to another person so that you get what you want, no matter whether you’re leaving a trail of wreckage behind you. Most people only get to have one marriage in their lifetime. You’ve taken his one opportunity and thrown it up the wall, with casual cruelty and carelessness. He may well never get another chance to have a wife and children - this was his one shot, and you’ve wasted it, and you’re surprised that he’s not delighted about that?!

if I woke up tomorrow and announced that my “true self” was that I simply wasn’t cut out for family life and that I wanted to leave and be a writer in the Amazon, and that I needed to do that to be my true self and be happy and I only had one life, then yes, I could do it. But I would rightly be judged as being selfish for not having thought of that before I chose to have kids. I appreciate that some people may disagree, but I don’t see this as being any different.

Original poster
StrawberryTeddybear · 04/10/2025 08:56

Thanks for the opinions. Some posters have shared some useful responses and I am grateful those. Others have been down right nasty and judgmental but what do I expect from random internet people.

To answer some questions;

My children are young all under 15 so I don’t plan on telling them details.

Both me and my dh come from single parent families so I don’t think children are damaged by divorce - it happens.

I am confused about my sexuality because I did/do find my DH attractive for many years. I love him deeply and I am hurting that I’ve hurt him. I guess I thought my confession would be something to explore, I knew it would have been impacting our relationship.

The last 4 years or so have been difficult, we barely communicate, we are focused on the DC but neither of us have made efforts in the relationship. We acknowledge that it’s not great but that’s as far as it goes.

Therapy was a last fling to see if we can salvage it and come back together but it’s highlighted our distance. And that distance has led me to think about what I want in my life. Maybe that is selfish of me.

OP posts:
Greenwitchart · 04/10/2025 08:57

OP mumsnet is not the best place to get unbiased advice on this kind of topic.

There is some rampant bi-phobia and a complete lack of knowledge of why some people might have to initially hide or not accept/understand that they might be gay or bisexual.

It is not uncommon for people to come out later in life. Sometimes because of religion, family pressure and society expectation people do what they think is the ''right'' thing by marrying and having kids only to then realise as they mature that they are living a lie and are deeply unhappy.

I do think you have two different issues here:

  • it is completely normal that you no longer want to hide and instead want to openly be the person you really are. You are doing nothing wrong by admitting to yourself and to others that you are not a straight woman.
  • it is also normal for your partner to be surprised and concerned about what comes next.

I think you need to be really clear with him about what it means for the future of your relationship.

If you are no longer attracted to your husband and can't see yourself being intimate with him anymore you need to be honest with him and with your yourself about the fact that your relationship is over so you can both have a chance to find a more suitable partner.

I doubt many partners will be happy with their spouse experimenting with other women while still being married to them.

Change is never easy but you have taken the first step so now you need to be brave and continue to make changes.

I never realised I was attracted to men and women until the age of about 30 when I developed an attraction to a work colleague and friend. So I completely understand that for some people it is something that can happen later in life.

fourseasonsinoneday1 · 04/10/2025 08:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
StrawberryTeddybear · 04/10/2025 08:58

Greenwitchart · 04/10/2025 08:57

OP mumsnet is not the best place to get unbiased advice on this kind of topic.

There is some rampant bi-phobia and a complete lack of knowledge of why some people might have to initially hide or not accept/understand that they might be gay or bisexual.

It is not uncommon for people to come out later in life. Sometimes because of religion, family pressure and society expectation people do what they think is the ''right'' thing by marrying and having kids only to then realise as they mature that they are living a lie and are deeply unhappy.

I do think you have two different issues here:

  • it is completely normal that you no longer want to hide and instead want to openly be the person you really are. You are doing nothing wrong by admitting to yourself and to others that you are not a straight woman.
  • it is also normal for your partner to be surprised and concerned about what comes next.

I think you need to be really clear with him about what it means for the future of your relationship.

If you are no longer attracted to your husband and can't see yourself being intimate with him anymore you need to be honest with him and with your yourself about the fact that your relationship is over so you can both have a chance to find a more suitable partner.

I doubt many partners will be happy with their spouse experimenting with other women while still being married to them.

Change is never easy but you have taken the first step so now you need to be brave and continue to make changes.

I never realised I was attracted to men and women until the age of about 30 when I developed an attraction to a work colleague and friend. So I completely understand that for some people it is something that can happen later in life.

Edited

Thank you so much

OP posts:
ThatCyanCat · 04/10/2025 09:00

StrawberryTeddybear · 04/10/2025 08:56

Thanks for the opinions. Some posters have shared some useful responses and I am grateful those. Others have been down right nasty and judgmental but what do I expect from random internet people.

To answer some questions;

My children are young all under 15 so I don’t plan on telling them details.

Both me and my dh come from single parent families so I don’t think children are damaged by divorce - it happens.

I am confused about my sexuality because I did/do find my DH attractive for many years. I love him deeply and I am hurting that I’ve hurt him. I guess I thought my confession would be something to explore, I knew it would have been impacting our relationship.

The last 4 years or so have been difficult, we barely communicate, we are focused on the DC but neither of us have made efforts in the relationship. We acknowledge that it’s not great but that’s as far as it goes.

Therapy was a last fling to see if we can salvage it and come back together but it’s highlighted our distance. And that distance has led me to think about what I want in my life. Maybe that is selfish of me.

I thought my confession would be something to explore

What does this mean? If you're gay, how can he explore that with you? If you're bi, do you mean you want to try threesomes? Or you just want his blessing to go and explore by yourself outside of the marriage?

These would all be unacceptable terms for many people. What did you want him to do with the information?

Jennyginger · 04/10/2025 09:00

StrawberryTeddybear · 04/10/2025 08:56

Thanks for the opinions. Some posters have shared some useful responses and I am grateful those. Others have been down right nasty and judgmental but what do I expect from random internet people.

To answer some questions;

My children are young all under 15 so I don’t plan on telling them details.

Both me and my dh come from single parent families so I don’t think children are damaged by divorce - it happens.

I am confused about my sexuality because I did/do find my DH attractive for many years. I love him deeply and I am hurting that I’ve hurt him. I guess I thought my confession would be something to explore, I knew it would have been impacting our relationship.

The last 4 years or so have been difficult, we barely communicate, we are focused on the DC but neither of us have made efforts in the relationship. We acknowledge that it’s not great but that’s as far as it goes.

Therapy was a last fling to see if we can salvage it and come back together but it’s highlighted our distance. And that distance has led me to think about what I want in my life. Maybe that is selfish of me.

I am hurting that I’ve hurt him

Sure, make it all about you…