Help! I’ve just come out to my husband of 10yrs

[StrawberryTeddybear]

Married for 10 together for 18yr have 3DC.

relationship has been strained for a while. We have been very distant with busy lives/kids and DH lost his dad a few years ago.

I have been in therapy to explore childhood trauma and felt I have been “reset” to my original self and Been through lots of other mental health challenges and had a difficult time over past 10 years or so. I’ve always liked women more than men, openly so but recently it’s been so strong I can’t ignore it anymore, the desire to be intimate with my husband got less and less and it became another area we were drifting apart.

Once I had the light bulb moment that I might actually be gay or bi it felt so right and I needed to tell my DH, but I was naive and he’s very upset and wants to make an ‘exit plan’ to leave me sooner than later.

I naively hoped he would understand that this is so big for me and I am scared and relieved of my truths, I hoped he would be supportive of me but this is not the case.

Not sure where to turn. Anyone experienced this? Or have some kid words to share - feel lost.

I’d ask the therapist for your money back as you’ve learned nothing ….. and managed to achieve a D- in emotional intelligence.

I can't imagine putting my wants to fuck a woman and not my husband over the needs and well being of my children. It is absolutely insane you thought it would be rainbow flags and coming out parties being thrown in your honor. No one said to stay in the marriage but you could have instead had an amicable spit from your husband and then explored your "truths" 🙄 Instead you blew up his life, took away all the years he trusted and loved you and made his life a lie.

As a bi woman this whole telling my truths and being my authentic self is just a bunch on nonsense. No one cares who you want to fuck except your husband and it's not him. You made that clear. You are so selfish it is unreal. And your therapist is awful as well. I would ask for my money back if I were you.

Poor lady has decided to be honest and is getting shot down if she has not cheated and is not intending to I don't see a issue, if relationship was over anyway he is as equally to blame for letting that happen anyway yes he's going to be upset at this real time but if I'm. Correct she is saying she's bi not a full blown lesbian, she entered into the marriage with love and faith it would work stop having a go at the poor girl she obviously didn't know else I'm sure she would have said, good luck lady whoever u end up with if people are homerfobic it isn't your problem explain to your kids your not leaving dad as you have met a woman just in future it may be a possibility or say sod all untill u actually meet so eon male or female u want to be in a long term relationship with sod others u haven't done anything wrong x

Harsh, she isn't saying she would leave to "" fuck anyone "simply she is attracted to men and woman I like woman but would not cheat on my partner with a man or a woman as I'm in a commited relationship

It's not harsh. She is self absorbed without a thought for her husband or kids. She is whining how much she loves him but does this to him and expects him to support her. Imagine your attraction to someone just supercedes all the vows and promises you made. That is just so me me me. Also she just blurted it out in therapy and blindsided him. He didn't even deserve a quiet and respectful alone conversation with just his wife. She made it all about her.I feel so sad for her husband. Poor man.

Sorry but if she dropped her panties I could understand but she hasn't, she simply has made a discovery about herself and been honest about it sorry I diagree

She didn't discuss it with him. She just made a grandiose announcement. He deserved better than that. She made it a show. Honesty would have been a respectful conversation with her husband alone being mindful of his feelings too. He didn't even have the chance to process anything because he was on display. Her liking women isn't the problem. It is the self absorbed way she has gone about it.

Once I had the light bulb moment that I might actually be gay or bi it felt so right and I needed to tell my DH, but I was naive and he’s very upset and wants to make an ‘exit plan’ to leave me sooner than later You’ve just told him that you could not be attracted to him under any circumstances and that any marital relationship between you is over. Of course he wants to be apart from you as quickly as possible. Did you think that you could stay as friends who live together and he’d help you write your Tinder profile? Wtf were you thinking? He’s the very last person you should be expecting support from.

I naively hoped he would understand that this is so big for me and I am scared and relieved of my truths, I hoped he would be supportive of me but this is not the case Wow. You want him to put all of the pain he must be feeling about the end of his marriage and the realisation that his wife was never really sexually attracted to him, to one side so he can whip out the rainbow bunting and celebrate your new found sexuality with you? Naive doesn’t come anywhere near covering it. Supremely self absorbed would be a better way of putting it. He’s going to be feeling like up his entire marriage has been a giant lie. You’re entitled to live your life as you see fit, of course, but how dare you expect him to ignore his feelings so he can support you? In what universe would that be a reasonable hope to have?

Just take a single moment to think about the people around you and understand that while your discovery might be positive and life changing for you, you’ve turned your entire family upside down and back to front and they are not going to be feeling particularly celebratory about that. I’m not suggesting that you don’t explore your sexuality; swing from the chandelier if that’s what makes you happy. But to expect your husband and children to put their own feelings to one side so they can concentrate on celebrating you, is beyond crass.

He's not your support dog. Nobody owes you crushing and trashing their own feelings to make you feel good.

this must be a reverse? The lack of insight and empathy would suggest that if it is indeed not a reverse, you are not fit for a relationship with anyone.

Well then your situation is completely different from the OP’s, isn’t it? Because she’s not in the committed relationship her husband thought they were both in. She’s just told her husband their marriage is effectively over because she has realised that the reason she doesn’t want to have sex with him anymore is because he’s not a woman. And she’s expecting him to be absolutely fine with that, put all of his pain to the side, carry on with the marriage until she’s ready to leave it, and crack out the rainbow bunting because she’s found her truth.

Do you really believe that that is an acceptable expectation on her part?

Get a grip. Stop going to fake therapy. Stop prioritising yourself & your fantasises. Get real and take care of your children first and foremost.

You deserve support as you work through this, but he can’t be the one to provide it. His life has been blown apart.

The marriage needs to end, that can’t be helped, but the focus now needs to be on how you both support your children through this upheaval.

It has happened to me, my exDH (and we are still legally married) is still my best friend.

However, he wasn't as obtuse as OP and we were separated before he told me, although I already had my suspicions.

However, he wasn't as obtuse as OP and we were separated before he told me

That's a very different situation.

I am a gay woman who only came out in my 30s, after having been married to a man (with kids). We had been divorced 8 years already when I came out, and I’d had other relationships with men after the marriage. My sexuality wasn’t the reason we split up (I didn’t even know at the time).

If I’d been in a relationship when the lightbulb went on, I wouldn’t have said anything to my partner because marriage is about monogamy for most people and what difference does it make if you’re atttacted to women, if you’re married to a man?

So I think there are two things here: the state of your marriage, and your new-found recognition of your sexuality. The step you have taken in telling DH about the latter now conflates the two issues. He will always think that the reason the marriage isn’t working is your sexuality. And that may be part of the reason but it doesn’t sound like it’s the whole, or even the real, reason since you say the marriage has been on the slide for years.

In the position you’re in now, I would deal with the divorce first before exploring dating women (or anyone). You can’t expect your husband to want to stay married to you if you’re gay. You don’t mention how old your kids are but presumably old enough to understand divorce and being gay. You need to consider how this will impact them, and when and how it’s appropriate to tell them that you are gay. Obviously it’s fine to be gay, but “my mum left my dad because she’s a lesbian now” is not the easiest thing for kids to deal with. “My parents divorced and then my mum came out” is a bit different.

I wish you well but you need to think things through better, as this will be a very delicate time for your family, not just for you.

I get that, which is why I said he wasn't as obtuse as OP

He left me btw and told me shortly afterwards. I was actually responding to a pp who made the point that your spouse is supposed to be your best friend and that doesn't have to change in the face of such a revelation. Of course OP's husband is going to be in shock and she is only thinking of herself, but these things can be worked out given time. My first instinct wasn't divorce either - after 23 years we still haven't got around to it!

I'm very supportive of being bi and lesbian.

Not at all supportive of narcissism.

You're not naive, you're just self-centered.

Why should he go to therapy with you? Spend the money on his legal costs

He can do whatever he wants and is under absolutely no obligation of any kind at all to try to work things out or move forward with you or support you in any way. You are not the person he thought he married.

Nobody is telling you to stay, of course not. But stop being such a selfish cow. You've wrecked his life. Let him grieve and find his own way through it.

And if that means ditching you asap, so be it.

Im not sure what you thought was going to happen. He has his own life to live too. He can’t simply hang around for you.

There is a difference and sometimes a fine line between focus on the self and our relationship with it in therapy, and becoming self centered in the process. This line appears to have been blurred - not by coming out and living a life true to yourself - but by being so totally thrown by the idea that your husband isn’t throwing a parade after having 18 years of his life rewritten for him. Unless I’ve missed it there’s no word of how old the kids are or if they know.

That’s the thing people are reacting to, the endless me, myself and I in your posts where other people’s lives are actually impacted. There are many posts on this board where women have realised they’re gay after years of marriage, that’s not the issue, it’s the ‘my truths’ blinking like a rabbit in the headlights when those truths are not universally approved of by the people they affect. Why would they be? Therapy above all things should give us greater ownership of our lives, that comes with the adult burden of consequences, and we should be able to handle that.

I need to give him time and when the conversation came up I wasn’t sure where it would end up but I didn’t expect it to just go to ‘ok bye’. There’s lots of things that will come up over the next few weeks I’m sure and I hope we can remain with our therapist to talk it through.
I don’t know why I’m so surprised that so many posters on this thread think that people should stay in relationships that are unhappy to keep pleasing others ffs. a lot can change in 18yrs.

Surely these two paragraphs contradict themselves? You are expecting him to stay in a relationship that's not only unhappy but with someone who isn't attracted to him and wants to sleep with other people if you expected something different from ' OK bye!' Of course he was going to assume you were splitting up. If my husband told me he was gay, Id be instituting divorce proceedings too.

If my husband told me that he might be gay, I'd start the divorce process right away. There is no point hanging around while he navigates his way through his feelings! If he is not interested in me then I'm out.

It would be a case of 'Shut the door behind you Jane' if you were my wife.
Same response if h told me this. No way would I stay with someone who isn't attracted to me any more. There is no way I would keep a show of playing happy families while h was off exploring his bi side.