Help! I’ve just come out to my husband of 10yrs

[StrawberryTeddybear]

Married for 10 together for 18yr have 3DC.

relationship has been strained for a while. We have been very distant with busy lives/kids and DH lost his dad a few years ago.

I have been in therapy to explore childhood trauma and felt I have been “reset” to my original self and Been through lots of other mental health challenges and had a difficult time over past 10 years or so. I’ve always liked women more than men, openly so but recently it’s been so strong I can’t ignore it anymore, the desire to be intimate with my husband got less and less and it became another area we were drifting apart.

Once I had the light bulb moment that I might actually be gay or bi it felt so right and I needed to tell my DH, but I was naive and he’s very upset and wants to make an ‘exit plan’ to leave me sooner than later.

I naively hoped he would understand that this is so big for me and I am scared and relieved of my truths, I hoped he would be supportive of me but this is not the case.

Not sure where to turn. Anyone experienced this? Or have some kid words to share - feel lost.

@HereAreYourOptions we will have to disagree then. I'm extremely glad my parents are divorced. They have much better partners now. I don't think divorcing is necessarily the worst thing that can happen to a child. Having parents who are distant and don't have any emotional or physical connection does its own damage, as does living your life sacrificing for others which they often end up knowing about. Children do know when they live within crappy distant marriages, whatever people want to believe. I wondered why my dad was never in the same room as my mum every evening. It was perfectly obvious!

Sorry but I would see this as a huge betrayal. He will feel you’ve lied to him all of your marriage. And you had kids with him! I’d be gone and I’d struggle to forgive you. This will be a lifelong trauma for him. Are you absolutely certain of how you feel..?? It strikes me as a bit odd for it to have come as such a shock and for you to have been through a lot of childhood trauma which has led you to this conclusion. And even more surprising as you obviously got married and had multiple children with someone who now suddenly isn’t the sort you say you are attracted to. I wonder how all these things are so intertwined for you mentally; I will be honest and say for me it all sounds quite muddled and you are clutching at an ‘answer’.
good luck x

This. To realize you wasted your best years with someone when you never had a chance. To realize your kids will have a broken home forever and all the time you thought they wouldn't was a lie. To realize you could have been sleeping with women who would have actually enjoyed sleeping with you. To wonder whether you were just a naive and convenient sperm donor. You lose the future AND the past, and attractiveness is so intrinsically related to your self-worth that it's humiliating and intimate.

I think you should’ve waited for the big reveal & put your sexuality to one side for awhile . Ended your marriage as amicably as you could and worked to support your children through the break up, work out co parenting etc. when the dust had settled, divorce done and dusted etc, that would’ve been the time to start exploring your sexuality. It’s not all about you.

I'm not sure what to say op other than I hope this all works out the best for each of you.

It sounds like you've been through a real period of personal change, and obviously from your perspective that's liberating and a positive thing - but it essentially means you've kind of out grown your husband and he's getting this as something that's blindsided him. I think maybe getting your own counselling again might not be a bad thing because really what you need here is to figure out individually what it is YOU want. And he needs to do the same.

It's very possible that he is feeling like you've betrayed him and that all those years together were a lie or meant something very different to you than they meant to him and that's huge for him to get his head round. I agree you've been naieve as to how this was going to be received. He's been hurt by you (unintentionally) so he's not going to be in a place to be able to support you right at this minute and will need to process his own feelings first. That could take any length of time or forever.

You need to figure out where else to get your support from in real life. I fully understand feeling like you don't want to be living a lie or like you need to be more fulfilled, but you also can't pretend that's not coming at an expense in this situation. You need to let yourself slow down and reflect and let others catch up if you want to preserve these relationships.

Your truths have made his entire life seems like a lie. That is why he is upset. You have a right to change path, but your husband has every right to be distraught.

You've had months (and a therapist) to help to process this new discovery about yourself, he's just gone from zero to full info in an instant. He will be running through the full range of emotions, grief, anger, sadness. I know to you it probably feels like a weight has been lifted and you have a glimmer of hope now for a different future. Give him time to process, I doubt he'll ever be delighted but he will eventually realise that it's far better you told him once you realised, the only other option, to try and squash that information and fake a marriage would be far more damaging in the long run.

As for your children, of course they'll be sad if you are going to seperate but the reason why should be no more difficult to explain than if you had simply grown apart from your husband.

MN is generally very blacka and white when it comes to later in life coming out stories (for partners of either sex) but people do change and discover new parts of themselves, it is almost never as simple as having always known you were gay and setting out to deceive.

Divorce will of course not fuck up his life. It will free him from a self absorbed selfish individual.
The life fuck up is op and her bombshell with the whinge of 'why aren't you supporting and celebrating meee!!' 😭😭

I think it would genuinely be helpful for you to set out how you were expecting him to behave.

Maybe ring the Lesbian and Gay Switchboard and ask them if there are any coming out groups in your area?

I kinda know how your husband feels right now.
I was with my ex 10 years and he left me for someone younger and thought id understand him.
YES HE THOUGHT I WOULD UNDERSTAND IT.
I wasted 10 long years and all along he wanted younger i felt used awful old and looked like an idiot.
His very words was (you was just a stand in really i liked you but you was never really my type but it was ok until i found the one you understand me dont you)
Ive never felt so bloody used and hurt in my life.
Long story short 12 and a half years latter im still single and love me more than i ever have.
I moved on but i never really trust men again.
But i am happy and free i didnt see how trapped i really was until it was all over.
Op i hope your husband gets through this because it bloody hurts.
And your post just sounds like me me me what did you think he was gonna do throw a coming out party your selfish rude and no respect for anyones feelings but your own.
I wish him well.

Yes you can because you literally just said

My family will probably disown me as most are homophobic so I doubt it’ll be shouting it from the rooftops sadly.

You should have been the one to leave your DH and not expect him to support you as you destroy his life. It's so bizarre that you can't see that.

Completely same situation as you. I left and now both me and my husband have met new people, him a new girlfriend and me a girlfriend which is a feat too. We’re friends and have both never been happier. One life, take a leap x

Completely same situation as you. I left and now both me and my husband have met new people, him a new girlfriend and me a girlfriend which is a feat too. We’re friends and have both never been happier. One life, take a leap x

@Candyflosies how utterly shit for.you. and to think op and other posters seem to think your priority is to support, champion and celebrate his revelation.. fucking insane!!

.

What did you expect. On dear let's hold on to this sham of a marriage for image purposes even though you would rather be with a woman. This must have destroyed him. As it would a wife who found her husband to be gay.

It sounds lone by taking exit strategies he is at least taking your feelings serious and wanting to pave the way that can befit you both. Have you come to terms that you can't be with him while wanting the opposite sex?:

Sorry OP but if this is the way you truly feel. Then you got to let him go. You will both be happier in th3 long run.

Best of luck to you both

Absolutely and sod everyone else, you're the only person who matters,?

It's very typical of these come out folks. The only difference is there aren't a bunch of people saying the OP's husband should be more understanding and supportive. That's what is usually propagated on the 'my husband has come out' threads.

Why would you expect him to be supportive? You’ve basically just told him you don’t want to have sex with him because he’s not a woman and have effectively informed him that your marriage has been a sham. You sound incredibly self-absorbed.

Occasionally there are threads on here where a woman is devastated and angry to learn that her husband of decades Is gay and wants to sleep with men. Invariably the response is “He’s going through a tough time but he’s lied to you for years and he’s treating you like shit, what a bastard.” Not sure why you’d expect a free pass.

Turn to gov.uk/divorce

Sorry but how old are your kids? Have you ever been with a woman ?

That’s great for you, but that doesn’t mean the OP’s husband has to be delighted to be told his wife has been wasting his time for years.

me me me me

Apparently not 🙄

You've thrown a grenade into a closed room and what? Didn't expect it to explode?