Massive row with DH in front of kids - Where do I go from here?

[Fernfaun]

I’ll be objective as possible as I’d like accurate feedback. My DH stays up late, usually playing online chess. Fine. His free time. Normally helps around the house with DC1 who is 2.5yo. We also have 4m old. Last night I woke up x4 times to feed my EBF baby. I struggled to sleep as I have a cold. I went downstairs at 7am to find nothing done - DC1 still in pjs (needs a change of clothes for nursery), no dog food done etc. so DH goes up to take a shower etc and I approach him and ask him why nothing was done. He tells
me because he was up at 5:30am with DC1. I ask so what? So in 1.5hrs, he’s just stayed with DC the whole time and did nothing else, just because he woke up early? And he said yes, it’s because he woke him up early meanwhile telling me to F off. I got really angry at this point and grabbed his toothbrush and smashed it on the floor. It broke. He then made a big deal about it, calling me unstable and saying that all I have to do all day is stay at home with a baby whereas he has to go to work. I was just too overwhelmed and started crying. He also hit me with his towel and I pushed him. Meanwhile DC1 crawls up the stairs and comes smiling at us. I felt so bad. I still feel bad for Dc1 and I just cry. DH left yelling ‘I hope you’re proud of what you did’ like all of this is my fault. I couldn’t care less about his toothbrush. I am just unwell, sleep deprived and just knee deep in motherhood. He thinks a baby is a walk in the park compared to a toddler but it’s still hard work.

anyway, I’d like to focus on what to do next. Should I leave the house? Where do I go? Do I take both DCs or would that be too disruptive for the toddler? I have no family close by, just friends. Also financially dependent on DH right now as I am on mat leave.

or should I stay and do less around the house? I am thinking I can’t be bothered to cook for him/us tonight. I’ll just look after DCs but I also can’t stand the sight of him and don’t want to sleep in the same bed/room…. But I have baby next to me so I can’t leave 😔 I feel so despondent. Im in an ALDI carpark typing this and sobbing my heart out while DC2 naps.

Does he usually tell you to fuck off and do you usually throw stuff?
if not and this is a horrible temporary blip then acknowledge it and decide if you want / can move forward - personally what you describe would be a deal breaker for me but you decide your boundaries
none of what you describe sounds good I’m afraid
if it is a pattern I would look at separating as it sounds like a very unhappy relationship
don’t leave the house - maybe suggests he stays with a friend or his parents for a few nights

This sounds really unhealthy and that you’re both very tired!

Yes he was up early, sounds like he was tired and just needed a quiet morning, at 7am I’m sure there’s still time to get stuff done, when does he leave for work?

He shouldn’t have sworn at you or hit you with the towel but you shouldn’t have pushed him or thrown stuff on the floor either.

You both shouldn’t be comparing looking after a toddler and a baby. I have children of the same age gap and the first few months were exhausting, but arguing over whose more tired/ doing more doesn’t help anything.

If you need time away from him then ask him if he can stay elsewhere for the night, if he says no then look to stay somewhere else with the children.

Let the dust settle, sounds like both of you aren't getting much sleep (although his is mainly self inflicted) see how things are when he comes home. Leaving is a big decision and I don't think it's reached that point yet. We all have bad days and say and do things we regret, or should regret. If it's a pattern of abusive behaviour that's a different thing.

You both behaved awfully.

What is your relationship usually like?

I think you should have some time apart.

If my husband came downstairs at 7am and started getting pissy with me because DC wasn't dressed yet I'd be pretty irritated tbh. What time do you leave for nursery?

You both behaved appallingly but you know that. Only you know whether this is a one off or a pattern.

Honestly I could easily sit for 1.5 hours doing nothing except supervising a toddler.

You are just tired. Both of you. Just try to sleep as much as you can and survive it.

Can you go to bed with the toddler and have your husband be in a room with the baby while he is playing chess? This would give you more sleep.
Fundamentally he needs to understand that it is not fair that for one of you work is 24/7 and for the other it is 40h a week.

Honestly lack of sleep is a massive factor in all of this whilst trying to juggle all the child care management. Unless there is usual form for bad behaviour by DH I would say you both need to get some sleep and talk calmly about any issues when the kids are asleep in bed.

Why would you consider leaving the house? Like everyone has said you are both sleep deprived and both behaved badly.

What is your relationship like normally? Can you sit down and have an adult conversation when he gets home just acknowledging this phase is hard and you two just have to pull through it together. He’s not the enemy here x

You both sound exhausted. TBH if I was up with a toddler at 5:30am I would be drinking tea and resting as much as I could, not immediately starting chores at that hour.

You escalated this by smashing his toothbrush and he responded appallingly. You both need to calm down and reflect on how you can prevent this kind of situation from happening again.

You have a DH who works full time, helps around the house and helps with your children. He was up early with the toddler and still has to put in a whole days work based on little sleep. So I totally understand his actions and his frustration at being moaned that 'nothing was done'.

And he is right, you ARE at home all day. But I also get that being a full time mum at home is bloody hard work, I have been there, and done it and its knackering. Trying to 'keep house' and look after two little ones, one being a baby is full on.

You seem to be in that classic situation of 'who is more tired?' 'who does more?' and its an argument that couples have been having for decades.

You need to accept that you both behaved appallingly. Born out of complete tiredness.

Stop this before this turns into total resentment between you both and there is no way back.

Take a deep breath, get someone to take the kids for you, and TALK.

You need to sit and talk this through, but more importantly LISTEN to the other person and try and see things from each others perspective and come up with a better way to manage this tiring stage of your life.

It won't be forever, things will improve, but shouting at each other, breaking stuff, telling each other to fuck off etc is not healthy and you must work out a better way forward.

It sounds like an argument between newish parents still adjusting to the massive change that comes with introducing children to the mix. I know you have an older one but having a baby as well is adding to the stress. You are very tired, understandably. Couples argue - the number one topic is 'who is more tired'. DH and I have yelled at each other in the past and I'm sure we've sworn more than once.

The important question is where do you go from here. Can you see it thawing out enough for you both to reach out and reconnect, i.e. at some point today? There's a lot of emphasis on talking things over and saying sorry but frankly that doesn't happen with DH and me - we just have a hug and go for a walk holding hands or something and that seems to be enough to get us back on track.

However you obviously resent that he's not stepping up and seeing what needs doing, or at least he didn't on that occasion. You need to have a calm discussion about how you feel if this is built up resentment otherwise it will happen again.

By the way, he's not helping - he's another adult in the house and your children's other parent.

Agree with all the other posters. You have both behaved pretty terribly but are probably equally exhausted and irritated with each other. I think deciding to leave the house with the kids is a bit extreme after one argument?!

Also not sure why your DH needed to be feeding the dog and getting your DC changed before 7am?! Most parents (mums or dads) who are up with a child at 5.30am aren't running round doing chores. They're sat on a sofa with a brew watching shite kids TV.

Has anything like this happened before? Why would you leave the house?

I'm going against the grain here. You started that argument and you smashed his toothbrush. He shouldn't have responded the way he did obviously but are you really thinking of leaving?
He's been up since 5:30 with a toddler and he's going to work.
You could have just asked him to dress the toddler before he left and then you could have fed the dog. No issue

You both behaved dreadfully. I bet you're both bloody knackered. 2.5yrs and 4 months is about as hard as it gets.

I remember complaining bitterly to my dsis that DH had been moaning all day long but he had nothing to complain about because he had had four hours sleep all.in.a.row!

And it was her look of horror - that this would be the high tide mark of a good night's sleep - that sat me on my arse and reminded me how unusually hard it is to look after a toddler and a baby.

But your morning went too far. That's not sustainable or healthy. If you can look at this and think - oh, yeah, that was the time we both went fucking mental with sleep deprivation, this is redeemable but if this is the status quo then you need to take more drastic action.

I wish I could give you a hug, and take over so you could get some sleep. You’re both tired and things blew up.

Is this a one off? If it is then you both need to rest up and speak about it.

Ensure that this is not the new norm. You cannot let this continue it isn’t healthy or good for your family.

Have an adult convo and clear the air.

If he’s been up since 5am he’s probably tired too and clearly you’re sleep deprived. You just need to settle down and develop a healthy routine which will come I promise.

If he’s is regularly abusive though and always like this then that’s not good. You did smash his toothbrush and I’d apologise for that x

Don’t cry this will pass too x You’re just in the thick of it and you need to work together.

If this is a one-off then I would say, be kind to yourself. It sounds like you're both exhausted and this is resonating with me and what it was like twenty years ago when I was in a similar boat. I remember playing "competitive tiredness" and I found, no-one ever wins. You're in this together, it will get better in time - just sit down together, apologise to each other and work our how you can navigate it.

To those saying "it would be a deal breaker" this is the reality of relationships, it can be worked through. Honestly, no wonder so many relationships end up on the rocks if people give up so soon.

At 7am i’m usually in pyjamas still and just woken up to feed my baby if i’ve been up all night, you have very high expectations of your DH.

We had these sorts of arguments in the throws of sleep deprivation and illness. It's not great but if it's a blip caused by extenuating curcumstances then you can come back from it.
Once I threw my DH out and he went and stayed in an air bnb for a week as we couldnt communicate and hated each other at that moment. I have also gone and stayed at my parents for a week.
Sometimes you just need a bit of space between you.
I don't think you can go for the long haul of a relationship without falling out now and then. Weve been together 16 years now and things are good. But the early days of parenting two small children were at times turbulent and othet times sublime.
Now the kids are older things are on an even keel. The highs and lows arent so extreme. We all get to sleep a full night, the kids don't wake at the crack of dawn or in the night anymore and we can deal with lifes challenges without being sleep deprived, which makes things a lot easier.
If it's a blip and otherwise good then either work through it or if you are at the point of heads locked then a few days apart can be beneficial.
Its really hard to gain perspective when you are both sleep deprived and angry. You sometimes need the space to step back and assess things.

Thanks all for your feedback I really appreciate it all xx

Generally are relationship is ‘good’. We have our arguments, I nag a lot, admittedly… but I wouldn’t say rows define our relationship. We do however have very heated arguments but at the same time I acknowledge it’s because of the kids and having so much going on.

I broke his toothbrush in a fit of rage because I am sleep deprived and with a cold. I didn’t do it in spite. It could have been mine for all I cared. I saw red in the heat of the time moment.

For those saying he was up early so give him slack, I’d have expected him to get our toddler ready by 7am because although I came down at 7am, I was up all night with the baby whereas he had uninterrupted sleep. Also, his sleep deprivation is self-inflicted for staying up till 11am playing chess. I’d love to just chill till that late watching some series but I know it would bite me the next morning. He couldn’t have got the toddler ready then as he had to rush for his shower to leave the house for work, as he starts early today.

The reason I want to leave is to have some time away and give each other space. I just have nowhere to go and have the kids with me.

For those saying he was up early so give him slack, I’d have expected him to get our toddler ready by 7am because although I came down at 7am, I was up all night with the baby whereas he had uninterrupted sleep.

But what time does your toddler actually need to be ready by?! Because I don't know many households where everyone is dressed and ready to go before 7am. It feels like you're just trying to create an issue because you wanted him to something other than just sitting down...

You want to leave so that you can have time alone? You'd split up your family for this and have your children split their time between their parents - for this? He's playing chess - this is not the height of decadence.

Listen, all I'll say is never make a permanent decision when you are at your lowest ebb. Give it some time.

Gosh, 11pm? That's hardly a late night!
I get up at 5 for work and usually go to sleep at 11ish. I can't physically make myself go to sleep earlier.

Also, I wouldn't have dreamed of getting a toddler ready before 7am. Too much scope for getting messy for a start!

You've admitted yourself that you nag a lot. I have to be honest, you sound very highly strung. Maybe time to relax a bit.