Massive row with DH in front of kids - Where do I go from here?

[Fernfaun]

I’ll be objective as possible as I’d like accurate feedback. My DH stays up late, usually playing online chess. Fine. His free time. Normally helps around the house with DC1 who is 2.5yo. We also have 4m old. Last night I woke up x4 times to feed my EBF baby. I struggled to sleep as I have a cold. I went downstairs at 7am to find nothing done - DC1 still in pjs (needs a change of clothes for nursery), no dog food done etc. so DH goes up to take a shower etc and I approach him and ask him why nothing was done. He tells
me because he was up at 5:30am with DC1. I ask so what? So in 1.5hrs, he’s just stayed with DC the whole time and did nothing else, just because he woke up early? And he said yes, it’s because he woke him up early meanwhile telling me to F off. I got really angry at this point and grabbed his toothbrush and smashed it on the floor. It broke. He then made a big deal about it, calling me unstable and saying that all I have to do all day is stay at home with a baby whereas he has to go to work. I was just too overwhelmed and started crying. He also hit me with his towel and I pushed him. Meanwhile DC1 crawls up the stairs and comes smiling at us. I felt so bad. I still feel bad for Dc1 and I just cry. DH left yelling ‘I hope you’re proud of what you did’ like all of this is my fault. I couldn’t care less about his toothbrush. I am just unwell, sleep deprived and just knee deep in motherhood. He thinks a baby is a walk in the park compared to a toddler but it’s still hard work.

anyway, I’d like to focus on what to do next. Should I leave the house? Where do I go? Do I take both DCs or would that be too disruptive for the toddler? I have no family close by, just friends. Also financially dependent on DH right now as I am on mat leave.

or should I stay and do less around the house? I am thinking I can’t be bothered to cook for him/us tonight. I’ll just look after DCs but I also can’t stand the sight of him and don’t want to sleep in the same bed/room…. But I have baby next to me so I can’t leave 😔 I feel so despondent. Im in an ALDI carpark typing this and sobbing my heart out while DC2 naps.

Dont make any major decisions until you've had a nap and a massive bar of chocolate.
Things got out of hand.
Draw a line under it and start again. If things dont improve then revisit this x

Cut both of yourselves some slack. It's easier at work because you don't love your colleagues and it all matters a lot less, emotionally speaking.

No, he isn’t.

Agreed. I've stayed at home with a baby. I've been to work after being woken up at silly o clock by a crying toddler and had to get up with them. I know which was hardest.

They're are a lot of SAHMs who simply refuse to understand that being in charge of your own day and being able to slack, nap or completely change what you planned to do, is massively different from having to be at work at a certain time, and having to be 'with it', productive and at the mercy of your boss and colleagues.

Was I absolutely knackered sometimes as a mum at home with a baby? Absolutely. But there was absolutely no-one judging my productivity or witnessing my lethargy or my napping moments (and with the second I was wrangling a not quite two year old as well, unlike OP who has hers at nursery) so I'd not have swapped with my DH for quits, if we'd both not had enough sleep.