Massive row with DH in front of kids - Where do I go from here?

[Fernfaun]

I’ll be objective as possible as I’d like accurate feedback. My DH stays up late, usually playing online chess. Fine. His free time. Normally helps around the house with DC1 who is 2.5yo. We also have 4m old. Last night I woke up x4 times to feed my EBF baby. I struggled to sleep as I have a cold. I went downstairs at 7am to find nothing done - DC1 still in pjs (needs a change of clothes for nursery), no dog food done etc. so DH goes up to take a shower etc and I approach him and ask him why nothing was done. He tells
me because he was up at 5:30am with DC1. I ask so what? So in 1.5hrs, he’s just stayed with DC the whole time and did nothing else, just because he woke up early? And he said yes, it’s because he woke him up early meanwhile telling me to F off. I got really angry at this point and grabbed his toothbrush and smashed it on the floor. It broke. He then made a big deal about it, calling me unstable and saying that all I have to do all day is stay at home with a baby whereas he has to go to work. I was just too overwhelmed and started crying. He also hit me with his towel and I pushed him. Meanwhile DC1 crawls up the stairs and comes smiling at us. I felt so bad. I still feel bad for Dc1 and I just cry. DH left yelling ‘I hope you’re proud of what you did’ like all of this is my fault. I couldn’t care less about his toothbrush. I am just unwell, sleep deprived and just knee deep in motherhood. He thinks a baby is a walk in the park compared to a toddler but it’s still hard work.

anyway, I’d like to focus on what to do next. Should I leave the house? Where do I go? Do I take both DCs or would that be too disruptive for the toddler? I have no family close by, just friends. Also financially dependent on DH right now as I am on mat leave.

or should I stay and do less around the house? I am thinking I can’t be bothered to cook for him/us tonight. I’ll just look after DCs but I also can’t stand the sight of him and don’t want to sleep in the same bed/room…. But I have baby next to me so I can’t leave 😔 I feel so despondent. Im in an ALDI carpark typing this and sobbing my heart out while DC2 naps.

Smashing peoples things is abusive and damaging to your child. So is pushing each other and screaming at each other.

My niece is 7 and constantly talks about her dad breaking her things, breaking her mums things at an age where I thought she was far too young to remember. Like 16 months old.

She is not close to him and doesn't like visiting him. She says he shouts and smashes things and will tell anyone who will listen, a good 3 years after the last incident. Its stayed with her.

Out of control adults are not good parents. It's terrifying and emotionally damaging.

Your child is witnessing this shit show. Grow up or break up.

I am guessing that issue might be that because he didn't get the toddler ready (before he had to leave) then she now has to do it, whilst also looking after the baby.

I get that might be a bit annoying but I wouldn't have started an argument about it personally. Getting up at 5:30am with a toddler is a bit bleak; sometimes it's possible to be productive but sometimes I do the bare minimum. I also think nursery is a bit different in that it's not like it matters if they rock up a but late. Our eldest in in school now and mornings need to run on time otherwise he is late.

Looking after 2 young children is very hard. It's easy to want to control the situation - getting up early to look after the toddler was great and the toddler didn't need to be dressed. Assuming you're on maternity leave they don't need to go to nursery at all - let them sit around in their pyjamas all day if need be. We used to deliberately not do things like this until 7am, partly so as not to disturb others in the house, and partly to emphasise that 5.30-7 was still quiet time so we didn't do anything much. I'd think about what needs to be done, and what doesn't need to be done.

If DH gets back from work this evening and, all you've done today is had a quiet day with the children because you're exhausted, will you find it acceptable if he asks why the kitchen is messy and you haven't done the hoovering? I'm guessing not.

You both behaved badly. Honestly, at 7am, I couldn’t get worked up about DC not being dressed. I’d just be glad that DH had got up with the toddler at 5.30am and left me in bed a little longer knowing I’d done the night feeds and was feeling unwell.

He’s getting ready for work, it’s not like he went upstairs to go back to bed.

He should not have hit you with a towel, but nor should you have smashed up his toothbrush or pushed him because he’d kept DC1 entertained and away from you to allow you to sleep since 5.30am.

You’re both tired. You both need some rest, but at this stage with babies and toddlers, it’s tough. Try not to take it out on each other. Agree expectations the night before - “tomorrow morning, you dress DC1, I’ll sort DC2, let’s get both their clothes out ready and it’ll be an easier morning”.

Honestly OP I think you both have behaved as badly as each other here, and you both need to apologise.

Not sure why you feel the need to take the kids and leave, would you be happy for him to do the same? If not, it’s not a good idea.

You’re trying to paint him as the villain and you as the victim here when really that isn’t the case.

Has this man ever looked after his own children alone for a whole day? I’d be leaving them with him on his next day off and leaving the house and then ask him if he thinks it’s a walk in the park come bed time.

I broke his toothbrush in a fit of rage because I am sleep deprived and with a cold. I didn’t do it in spite. It could have been mine for all I cared. I saw red in the heat of the time moment.

I think you need to suspend all plans about leaving and just look at yourself for now. Please reread your words here. They are the kind of thing that is alarming for a man to say. I have been that sleep deprived so I get it, you were feeling horrific, but nothing justifies behaving like this in front of your child, or at all. Have you had discussions with DC1 to help him understand this? I think you need to apologise to him and make clear you were wrong to shout, push and break things. Your DH needs to do the same. I think you should look into what support you can get in the short term, and anything that limits this kind of thing from ever happening again. Perhaps therapy together to work out how you can communicate?

Assuming your relationship is normally good , then try and rest today. Speak to your dh calmly tonight. Apologise for smashing his tooth brush (seeing red is not an excuse). Then discuss expectations and morning routines.

Remember you are a team and need to act as one.

11pm? That's not late! I thought you were talking about 2am.

You had a broken night, and he had to get up at 5:30am. You seem to think he had it easy, but being up at 5:30am to look after a little one is no fun either, especially when you have to go to work and be able to perform. I'd be resting as best I could and keeping the toddler chilled.

Why on earth didn't you just ask him to get the toddler dressed instead of kicking off?

Yes, you're at home all day, but you only have the baby, as toddler goes to nursery. He's got to be 'on it' at work (and yes I've been both a SAHM and a working parent, and though being a SAHM was exhausting, at least I wasn't accountable to a boss and colleagues to actually get stuff done).

I'm sorry, but you were the more unreasonable one in that situation, but you're refusing to see it.

I think that if this was the other way round, and the wife had got up with the toddler at 5:30am, leaving her ill husband to doze with the baby, and then he'd gotten up, gotten angry she'd not done anything but look after the toddler, followed her upstairs 'saw red' and shoved her, screamed at her and broke her toothbrush, people would rightly be calling it abuse, be worried about her well being and would be advising her to seek help and contact women's aid

Honestly, at 7am, I couldn’t get worked up about DC not being dressed. I’d just be glad that DH had got up with the toddler at 5.30am and left me in bed a little longer knowing I’d done the night feeds and was feeling unwell.

Absolutely that.

I have been where you are and honestly, it is awful. You're exhausted and actually being sleep deprived does literally change your personality. I would have been seething at my DH too. This is a completely normal phase in a relationship. BUT, you need to work out a system between you for how to deal with disagreements and resentment. It may be that neither of you growing up were 'taught' how to negotiate disagreements in a healthy way. You need to learn this fast so you can model it to your children.

1. Do not ask confrontational questions that will 100% lead to an argument (like, why haven't you done anything?)! Leave it until later. Discuss when you are both calm. "When you get up in the morning, I would really appreciate it if you could have x, y and z ready. I would help so much in getting out the door".
2. You both need to work out ways of self-soothing that are healthy and non-confrontational. When you're tired and pissed off and overworked you make yourself a cup of tea/shout into a pillow/go for a walk. Whatever helps you re-centre yourself. Never have any discussion when you are feeling hyped up.
3. Have firm boundaries that must never be crossed: swearing, physicality, aggression, shouting. You both agree that these are red lines and what the consequence is for crossing them.
4. Agree tiny things that you will do to show love for each other. Ask what he would like. Tell him what you would like. It can be as simple as - I'd like a hug first thing in the morning.

If you are both open to these changes, you can really improve things. If your DP will not engage, that is much more difficult.

I also think you need to repair with your child. Ideally, both of you say - 'mum and dad were arguing this morning. We weren't respectful to each other and we're sorry. How are you feeling about it?'

"I nag a lot admittedly".

Or, "he happy to exploit me and tries to get me to do his share as well as mine, so I'm often forced to ask him to do what he should do without being asked."

Very good advice. It’s all about good communication and understanding expectations.
i actually remember my husband whispering to me (after a terrible sleepless night with ill
kids) let’s not turn on each other, that’s what they want. (Obviously humour but it helped)

Hi! Once again, appreciate the responses at this time.

@saraclara I am not refusing to see it. If I were, I wouldn’t even be here. I have come here for an outside view of the situation to get close to an objective opinion as possible. As someone has commented, I admit I am very high strung personality-wise and happy to be made aware that that is a big part of the matter.

@ThatLemonJoker thank you for this. I might even print this and stick it on the fridge. Neither of us grew up in a household where disagreements were settled in a healthy way. My parents would fight and argue constantly in front of me with no care. I am happy to at least try to be a cycle breaker. It’s hard when it’s all you know but I have to change. It’s just not easy.

To leave with the kids is a massive overreaction.

You need to calm down and yourself and DH some slack.

I completely hear you. My DH and I were the same. We both grew up in angry families. It has taken a lot of effort but we are both now functional. The important thing was that we both really wanted to do it better.

When things were really bad we would have a daily check in. Every single evening we would spend time talking about how we had felt that day and any problems that had come up.

If things are normally ok I wouldn’t panic too much. Sounds like you are both exhausted with 2 babies and lack of sleep.
Let the dust settle and then try and find time to talk.

I’m really sorry but if my DH came downstairs at 7am and started bitching at me because I hadn’t started on the housework when I’d been up since 5.30 with a small child I would probably tell him to fuck off too. If he then had a tantrum and broke my toothbrush I would strongly consider ending the marriage.

Aw OP, I feel you so much!!

My DD was a terrible sleeper and my DH used to get up with her in the morning so I could get a bit of sleep, and sometimes I'd go through to the living room just before we needed to take her to nursery and he wouldn't even have got her dressed and I'd be fuuuuuming. It almost made it feel like the small 'break' I'd had wasn't worth it because now I had even more stress to try and rush her to get ready in time. It's very frustrating when you feel like you have to direct every single thing in life otherwise it just won't get done reliably.

The reason I want to leave is to have some time away and give each other space. I just have nowhere to go and have the kids with me.

Tbh from this post it doesn't sound like you need to leave to me, just that you need a break. Are your family local? If not, could you go and stay for a few days so you've got some help with the kids and can maybe just chill for a second and have a cup of tea while it's still hot?!

Keep your chin up, it won't be this hard forever 😘

It's not housework tbf, it was dressing the child and feeding the dog, both things which someone needs to do in the morning and now OP would have to do while managing a baby as well. You can easily step away from a 2.5 year old for a minute to feed the dog, a bit more of a pain when you've got a baby on one arm too potentially crying/fussing/wanting milk etc.

Op, while you’re at Aldi, buy your dh a new toothbrush. Not being flippant - you shouldn’t have broken his, and you’ll be acknowledging this without apologising directly, as both of you could have behaved better. It’s a peace offering. Someone has to make the first move in a stand-off. Not always you, obviously, but maybe on this occasion?

I’m sure you’re reading from the same book, just not on the same page. As for your toddler, seeing that their parents can reconcile after an argument will be worth more than any explanation which I imagine will go straight over their head.

OP we have all been there - sleep deprived and in the thick of things. Some really good advice here but also consider a few things:

1. You both behaved appallingly. You threw and broke his toothbrush, you pushed him, he hit you with his towel and told you to F off. Neither of you are bathed in glory here.
2. Breastfeeding means getting up and doing all the feeds so you can't resent him for this.
3. It doesn't sound like there is clarity on who does what and when and at what time - some serious communication would be good here.
4. If you youngest goes to nursery they don't need to be changed and ready at 7am. You wanted to be irritated because you have been up all night. I don't blame you but you came at him straight away.
5. Instead of going in hot, ask him if he wouldn't mind getting your little one dressed and watch the baby while you take a shower.
6. If you little one if off to nursery, sleep when the baby sleeps. The housework can wait and you will feel better.
7. You are massively overreacting to take the kids and considering breaking up if this isn't usual. People argue, things get worked out.
8. Your toddler doesn't know or understand that you were arguing, don't even worry about this.

I do have empathy and understand your situation but honestly, the moment you came down you could see all this coming. You need a sit down and some good communication around expectations and helping each other. You are on the same team so get on the same team.

Saying that it’s not technically housework is just splitting hairs - if this was a bloke complaining his wife hadn’t fed the dog or dressed the toddler having been awake since 5.30, and he then went on to shout and break her things, he would be told he was abusive.