Massive row with DH in front of kids - Where do I go from here?

[Fernfaun]

I’ll be objective as possible as I’d like accurate feedback. My DH stays up late, usually playing online chess. Fine. His free time. Normally helps around the house with DC1 who is 2.5yo. We also have 4m old. Last night I woke up x4 times to feed my EBF baby. I struggled to sleep as I have a cold. I went downstairs at 7am to find nothing done - DC1 still in pjs (needs a change of clothes for nursery), no dog food done etc. so DH goes up to take a shower etc and I approach him and ask him why nothing was done. He tells
me because he was up at 5:30am with DC1. I ask so what? So in 1.5hrs, he’s just stayed with DC the whole time and did nothing else, just because he woke up early? And he said yes, it’s because he woke him up early meanwhile telling me to F off. I got really angry at this point and grabbed his toothbrush and smashed it on the floor. It broke. He then made a big deal about it, calling me unstable and saying that all I have to do all day is stay at home with a baby whereas he has to go to work. I was just too overwhelmed and started crying. He also hit me with his towel and I pushed him. Meanwhile DC1 crawls up the stairs and comes smiling at us. I felt so bad. I still feel bad for Dc1 and I just cry. DH left yelling ‘I hope you’re proud of what you did’ like all of this is my fault. I couldn’t care less about his toothbrush. I am just unwell, sleep deprived and just knee deep in motherhood. He thinks a baby is a walk in the park compared to a toddler but it’s still hard work.

anyway, I’d like to focus on what to do next. Should I leave the house? Where do I go? Do I take both DCs or would that be too disruptive for the toddler? I have no family close by, just friends. Also financially dependent on DH right now as I am on mat leave.

or should I stay and do less around the house? I am thinking I can’t be bothered to cook for him/us tonight. I’ll just look after DCs but I also can’t stand the sight of him and don’t want to sleep in the same bed/room…. But I have baby next to me so I can’t leave 😔 I feel so despondent. Im in an ALDI carpark typing this and sobbing my heart out while DC2 naps.

@PirateDays yes this was my point initially… I don’t know, maybe because I’m high strung but I normally get things done whilst also looking after the kids… Maybe I am expecting too much.

@maudelovesharold it’s Oral b io series so need to get replacement heads on Amazon, ALDI won’t have them 😅 but yes I ordered them already after having a quick peaceful chat with him over the phone. Yeah I can’t explain this to my 2.5 yo. He will intuit peace has been restored this evening and that should suffice for his age

Both of you sounds really toxic. If you are breaking each others things, swearing in front of your children and being disrespectful and nasty to each other, the relationship is dead.

I think the DH was out of order, not the OP.

I’m really sorry OP. I just wanted to send some support your way as there are some rather cruel comments on here which would have had me in tears when already sleep deprived.

This is really bad advice.

People and dogs have circadian rythyms - a body clock. If you start doing morning stuff at 5:30am with them then they'll wake up earlier tomorrow.

If you have to be awake with them in the night then keep it dark, keep it quiet, until the normal time you need / want them awake.

So it was okay for the OP to smash her husbands things and push him?

I think it was borne out of extreme frustration and sleep deprivation does make you behave out of character. Breastfeeding can also make you pretty hormonal (I’m not trying to sound patronising OP, sorry if I do.)

Glad you seem to be feeling better now.

I disagree - it wasn't abusive, it was just a row that they both escalated. OP's DH told her to F off first and that's what caused her to throw the toothbrush. But in any case, I'd say the same if the woman was leaving to go to work and hadn't done a couple of things that really could have helped the bloke out in the morning.

He was about to take himself out of the equation, presumably, because he needed to shower and get to work, so he knew that he'd be leaving OP juggling a baby and toddler(and dog!), so she was going to have to feed the dog, get the toddler dressed, presumably sort breakfast/bottle for the children and herself...he could have lightened the load just slightly by just doing those 2 jobs so she could have just focused on the breakfast and getting everyone out of the door.

Agree but I am just assuming it's usually all done by this time and that's why OP was annoyed that it hadn't been on this occasion.

I suppose that's possible, but OP hasn't actually said it. And 7am seems pretty early?

You're in the thick of it OP. I hated DH when our twins were babies. We did that competitive tiredness thing and he if he so much as yawned in the daytime I got the rage. Don't make any hasty decisions during this phase.

@warmapplepies @PirateDays I smashed the toothbrush in response to him belittling my request for help in the morning by brushing me off and asking me to F off. Also, I didn’t do this to spite him… it could have been my toothbrush. It was just the thing I grabbed. I pushed him as a result of him hitting me with his towel.

We don’t have strict time for getting DC1 dressed. I just find it hard to comprehend that in 1.5hrs he was just looking after our toddler and not doing anything else. He started work early today so I knew he’d go get ready once I wad down and leave everything to me, including nursery drop off + weekly shop ft. a cry in the parking lot… all whilst being down with cold

Haha yes this sums it all up very accurately.

Really?

So as far as you are concerned its fine for the OP to throw a tantrum and break his things in anger because he didn't do what she wanted him to do?

I wouldn't be doing anything before 7am that didn't involve snoozing on the sofa!

You're both really tired, you need to cut each other some slack.
Your behaviour and reaction was over the top but you're sleep deprived and not feeling well.

How about at the weekend you try to give each other a day each to catch up on some sleep and chill?
I know it's hard with a breastfed baby but you could at least sleep and your DH could bring the baby to you just for feeds.

I agree with many of the others that you both behaved badly. You also need to look at what actually needs doing. Could you do the weekly shop online? We do ours online and it gets delivered after 9pm as that’s most convenient for us.

I repeat, I didn’t mean to break HIS toothbrush. I just needed to throw something at the time. If I wanted to get at him by breaking something of his it wouldn’t be his toothbrush 😅

When was he supposed to get ready if not when he could hand the child over to you to free himself up to do it? He has to get ready to go to work. You say he wasn't doing anything else but I guess he was relaxing before work and looking after your child.

In the nicest possible way you are home. So yes, things like the shopping and nursery drop off will fall to you.

Also make things easier for yourself - your toddler isn't at school yet, just drop him off at 10! Or after lunch!

Don't do a food shop, order online.

‘Fine’ means different things to different people, clearly. I think it was understandable in the context the OP provided. If I’d been told ‘all (you) have to do is look after a baby all day’ when I was on maternity leave I would probably have gone down for attempted murder!

@Pigeonenglish Yes cos now the toddler is more of a handful so I have it easy with baby in his eyes!

@VikaOlson not sure about that… routine is good I think. He also gets to miss his snacks/lunch if I drop him off late? I think the routine helps manage the toddler’s expectations if I’m honest. That way there’s less of a chance of him fighting to go to nursery

Do you want to leave the relationship? Honestly sleep deprivation is a killer and you will find yourself competing with your other half about who had more sleep…. I think when you reach that level of exhaustion you don’t behave rationally or say rational things because honestly it’s the little things like a smooth morning that can make all the difference to your day. Have you thought about expressing milk so your partner can do a night feed? 4 months is such a difficult age with the sleep regression, if he can help you out so you can get more sleep that might make all the difference

You didn’t ‘need’ to throw something. That is stepping over the line, I don’t care whose toothbrush it is. You seem to be completely oblivious to the fact that your behaviour was as bad as his. And yes - you ARE home all day, he works. Toddler didn’t need to be dressed then what’s the issue?!
I know you are exhausted, I know what it feels like. But you have to be a team and on the same side here otherwise you will crumble. Talk - don’t shout. And actually try and hear each other and acknowledge the other person also feels shit too.

If you want your toddler up and dressed by 7am so you can drop off at nursery early that's fine, but it's not reasonable to expect your DH to do everything your way.

Your DH isn't coming across as the bad guy in this story. He got up early with your toddler so you could sleep in before he went to work. It sounds like he's doing his part.
You have a lot more freedom in the day to decide how you're managing your time.

The OP clearly didn’t stand there and think ‘I know, I need to throw something.’

It was absolute frustration and anger at the dismissal of everything she does.

I would have been really hurt to be told ‘all I do is …’ about anything. I work very part time. ‘All’ I do is one hell of a lot. I don’t expect slavish gratitude; I do expect respect.

Honestly, with dc those ages, a cold, the situation we’ve all had damn stupid fights. Sleep deprivation will make people act very out of character. Agree, it wasn’t a marital high point!

things will get easier…the toddler will reach 3 and be easier, the baby will stop waking up all the time, you’ll recover from the cold.

the details of the stupid fights and who did or didn’t do what don’t need to be remembered.

and there’s always always some underlying allegation the other parent has the ‘easier’ deal - par for the course too.

nothing is really broken here except you’re exhausted. Get some rest if you can.