New friend - AIBU?

[Dooaleapa]

I met this woman at tennis club and she invited me for coffee where we chatted and got to know each other. It became a semi regular thing for a few weeks and one time I confided in her about one of the coaches who I have developed a crush on.

There is no chance of anything happening though because he is married but he does flirt with me and I have had to stop taking lessons as I felt it potentially getting out of hand.

during a coffee break she caught me at a weak moment where I needed to get it off my chest and talk to someone about it and I swore her to secrecy. She replied that she understood I was trusting her with something vulnerable and that she would hold that trust.

however, she constantly brings it up in a sort of nudge nudge wink wink sort of way in front of other people, for example: “has anyone seen xyz today? Wasn’t he looking dashing?” Then catching my eye and bursting out laughing.

I have distanced myself from her because I feel that she has let me down and I don’t need a “friend” like that.

however, after a period of silence she has messaged me to say “hello, how are you doing?”

I have no doubt that she realises why I am keeping my distance. I will reply to her eventually but will keep it very polite but firmly cool. The only reason I will respond is because we both play tennis at this club and so I want to keep things civil.

my question is though, am I overreacting?

Between the crush sndvyheceomsn. Maybe you should give it a rest for a while. Let it die down. She sounds silly.

Between the crush and the woman

Yes.

He's married so she has assumed this is just a funny crush and she's sharing a little joke with you... not at your expense. I am assuming she hasn't blabbed to anyone else as you would have mentioned that.

You sound fairly humourless and suspicious toward someone being friendly.

Sorry, I forgot to say that she has told one other person but swore to me that she was descrete

You're taking it all very seriously, even when you say...

"during a coffee break she caught me at a weak moment where I needed to get it off my chest and talk to someone about it"

It's just a crush for goodness sake, even teenagers manage to cope with them.

Chill out.

I see what you’re saying but I have developed real feelings and think it’s probably more than a crush, more like limerence. It feels overwhelming. I am working on it to get over it. But it’s not easy

I suspect she has no idea that you feel so sensitive and embarrassed about it. As a pp says she thinks it’s a private joke between the two of you rather than some deep shame.

Just tell her (privately) that the oblique references to your crush make you feel embarrassed and could she stop please.

She definitely knows how I feel about it and she was actually very supportive at the time.

it is that she shared this with someone else and yes it’s only one other person but it was not hers to share especially after I asked her not to

Do not go there then. . He's married. Back off.

Of course I’m not going to go there. That’s why I have stopped seeing him as my coach

Lesson 1 in life.

Never tell anyone anything that you don't want anyone else to know.

They will very likely use it against you, somehow, some way, sometime in the future...

I have had this kind of crap happen to me a number of times. People throwing shit in my face that I told them in confidence, and/or telling other people, just to hurt me or embarrass me, or get back at me.

Never again.

Trust nae fucker!

Nothing you can do about it now @Dooaleapa as you've told her.

Lesson learned. Keep your lips sealed next time!!!

Yes you are right.

Thank you. Lesson learned eh?

100% this..no one ever keeps the secret ever..

Friend discreetly has told someone else. How long before this person tells someone else.
Thats how rumours start.
Give tennis a break for awhile.

Yes

If you ever do meet up with her again mention that something minor happened and it gave you the ick so you're completely off him now. For instance doing that snotty sniff thing instead of blowing his nose. Then ignore any reference to him for ever.

It's pretty shitty of you telling people you have a crush on a married man as she knows him.

I think you told her because you wanted it to get out, you wanted him to know how you feel in the hopes that he'd leave his wife for you!

I think this 'friend' has badly let you down. To listen to a secret in confidence then make such obvious referrals to it in a jokey way is letting the cat out of the bag. It would not surprise me if she has told everyone and the remarks are having a laugh at your expense. Don't ever confide in her again, and keep her well at arm's distance. She is not your friend.

As the saying goes "Anything more than one person knows is not a secret".
I doubt she means any harm, I think she's just being a bit silly. Remember you barely know each other and haven't learnt each others sense of humour, just tell her but don't make it a thing.

You confided in someone you barely know and you don't know if they're trustworthy. I'd just be grateful it wasn't something that it was really important to have discretion about. At the end of the day even if it came out and everybody in the world knew - you just fancy some bloke. it's not if you're admitted to being in some sort of illegal group.

I agree with the posters who say that if she cannot keep a small secret like this then I would never feel confident to trust her with any more personal information. She is not the kind of person to allow to know where the bodies are buried. It depends how much you enjoy her company. You can continue to be polite and sociable but dont divulge any more private information. Myself I would tell her that I feel let down. I would base my future relationship with her on how she reacts. However I am good at keeping secrets. I once kept a family secret for 30 years - long after the person who told it to me had died.

I don't think you're overreacting. It sounds like she knew that you were trusting her with something vulnerable, and that she understood that you and the coach both have feelings for each other. It's a difficult situation for you, and not something that a friend would normally joke about, especially as you'd told her in confidence. And to do it in front of other people is just very strange.

I had a situation with a friend once where I told her that I'd had a cosmetic treatment. I told her that it was personal and private and I wasn't telling a lot of people. But after that, every time I saw her, she would do the nudge nudge, wink wink type thing, and jokey comments about people changing how they look, asking me every time I saw her if I'd had any more "work" done, making comments in front of others about people looking fake. I really regretted telling her, but up until that point she'd been a good friend.

I think sometimes telling someone a "secret" can cause strange reactions in some people - maybe it's their own insecurities or something, I don't know!

Jesus, why would you tell her that?

Next time she brings him up just say “oh god Jane, I only said I thought he was a looker, you need to stop bringing it up”