New friend - AIBU?

[Dooaleapa]

I met this woman at tennis club and she invited me for coffee where we chatted and got to know each other. It became a semi regular thing for a few weeks and one time I confided in her about one of the coaches who I have developed a crush on.

There is no chance of anything happening though because he is married but he does flirt with me and I have had to stop taking lessons as I felt it potentially getting out of hand.

during a coffee break she caught me at a weak moment where I needed to get it off my chest and talk to someone about it and I swore her to secrecy. She replied that she understood I was trusting her with something vulnerable and that she would hold that trust.

however, she constantly brings it up in a sort of nudge nudge wink wink sort of way in front of other people, for example: “has anyone seen xyz today? Wasn’t he looking dashing?” Then catching my eye and bursting out laughing.

I have distanced myself from her because I feel that she has let me down and I don’t need a “friend” like that.

however, after a period of silence she has messaged me to say “hello, how are you doing?”

I have no doubt that she realises why I am keeping my distance. I will reply to her eventually but will keep it very polite but firmly cool. The only reason I will respond is because we both play tennis at this club and so I want to keep things civil.

my question is though, am I overreacting?

I would keep the acquaintance (this isn’t a friend) because I think most people have trouble holding a secret. They find it too exciting.

You get on well at the club mostly, just tell her you saw him pick his nose and got the ick. Then see how it goes. Better than having a weird atmosphere around your hobby.

YANBU. But I'd be honest with her when you reply. Try to find a way to say it gently rather than accusatorially (I have no idea how, I'm as blunt as hammer).

Sadly, your lesson learned. Although I keep making that mistake over and over 🙄

No angst. Just curious to know what others would do in this situation.

im not going to “just tell her straight that i dont want to be friends with her etc…” because that would make things worse. I have figured out that she is looking for drama and this would simply fan the flames

Well she is not discreet and you can do without her.

Don't confide such things to anyone in future, please.

This. 100 per cent.

She's enjoying being so witty and amusing at your expense. Its quite patronising really.

I bet you that she brings up the subject every time you see her.. This is so she can get updates to feed the gossip machine.

Quietly take a giant step back as I think she could really start blabbing if you offend her. At the moment this is the key topic of conversation between you... so have a list of other things to talk about to distract her. If all else fails.. "So what's the gossip this week.. and see if there's anyone else she's going on about. That would be quite revealing.
Think of some good sentances to close it down when she starts... like "Oh that was so 3 weeks ago.. I've moved onto my new crush now.. my Next Door Neighbour's gardener is so fit." or something along those lines (ie someone she'll never see) or a jokey "Oh You, you're such a gossip! tinkly laugh... always making something out of nothing." more laughter...,, You can probably think of some better ones
And at the same time quietly disengage and take a giant step back. She's trying to create a drama.

Haha!
<salutes> Yes, miss

I'd bin her off.

I would drop her like a hot coal. If she will let you down over something as minor as this, you couldn't trust her with real secrets.

Yeah, she's a blabbermouth, don't tell her 'owt else! Just maybe, at the first opportunity, say to someone else, while she's there "hah, SHE seems to think I've got a crush on xyz, maybe it's actually YOU, (looking at her), that has the crush? You certainly point out how dishy he is at any given opportunity!" Chuck it back at her.

I think I would sit back and do nothing for now. You are not losing anything as she is shit at being a friend and the chances are it will all be dropped and forgotten.

If she went rogue and told people, I would text something like, 'I really hoped we could be friends but you failed 'the test'. Good luck and thanks but no'.

You are not being unreasonable!

It can feel really good sharing something that you are in turmoil over and it is almost unburdening. I totally get why you confided in her and every single person has said too much at some point.

However, I really believe that every single person, bar none, will let you down, given the opportunity… in my case bar my mum and my closest friend (I’d be devastated but you never know)

Im sorry you got hurt, well done for recognising the limerance thing everyone has been carried away at some point or another but most importantly you didn’t act on it!

She sounds like a teenager but then so do you……sharing your ‘big secret crush’ with a relatively new friend.
Don’t tell anyone anything unless you’re prepared for it to become common knowledge.

The friend is not the only one who sounds very childish. Why is the OP telling people she barely knows that she's got the hots for the tennis coach?! I mean, he's a freakin tennis coach. Flirting with his clients is pretty much in his job description.

What!!!?????

I think it's nasty behaviour op - childish and just shows her up as untrustworthy

To be honest - it's always helpful to take responsibility ourselves

you should not have shared your feelings with her - you didn't know her well and he is married so essentially it's disrespectful to him and his wife (and more than that - unwise!) - to share it as a story with people who also are part ofr the club

I think its a live and learn experience

you could have told an old friend if you wanted someone to talk to - someone who is not part of the tennis club

Don't worry too much about it. You've learned early on that's she one to be wary of so I'd keep it polite but keeping her at arms length from now on.

You could of course not reply. Personally I would reply as I wouldn't want to give her the opportunity to make this into a big deal. I'd want to play it all down. Nothing to see here.

I'd leave it a day or so and then reply casually keeping it brief.

"I'm grand thanks. Busy but all good." Or wtte.

Superficially polite but distant. She'll eventually get bored and go away if she's not getting anything from you.

Or you can ignore her. You don't owe her anything.

She's no friend of yours and clearly can't hold a secret and is enjoying lording it over you - honestly she sounds like she has so little self-awareness that she probably has no idea why you've gone cold on her. If you still move in the same circles & don't want drama, just ignore the text and carry on avoiding her. If you've moved on and think she deserve a dose of reality then I'd be tempted to tell her no thanks - she's shown she can't be trusted by sharing something you told her in confidence & are finding her constant digs irritating.

I agree with @DuckbilledSplatterPuff.
YANBU
We live and learn. Take a step back from her.

I think you're just different types of people, she's clearly very fun and a bit silly, and has thought you were mentioning it in a semi-jokey way. There's a guy locally who everyone my age knows, we all discuss and all inappropriately raise eyebrows because he's hot. It's not a deep secret or anything because he is hot, and I think none of us care that we've shared that we all think this. It's not a big deal at all and we all giggle like kids, which you'd probably see as very juvenile (it is to be fair).
You're maybe more of a deep thinker, cards close to your chest person. You've seen this crush as a big deep secret that you'd loyally keep for a close friend and you assumed she'd be the same. She's not. I don't think she or you have done anything wrong, I just think this is a scenario that has a wide spectrum of attitudes and approaches. It's not as if you had a secret like a bereavement, trauma or similar, it could be seen as a very "light" kind of secret, barely worth keeping. It clearly isn't seen as light to you, but it is to her. You now know, I wouldn't be rude to her, just see her as a more surface level friend, as you'll have different views on deeper stuff.

You are not overreacting. She is disrespecting your genuine feelings and people will notice and it’s potentially hugely embassing for you. I’ve been there and wish I had had the confidence to calmly say that I felt embarrassed by her lack of respect for your feelings about something you told her in confidence. I would ask chatgbt how to word it!

Or what thereisafishinthepercolater says. She is not someone on your wavelength so distance yourself

This.

If you can’t keep your own secret, then assume the person youve told wont be able to keep it either.

I always say that everyone always tells one person. I think it’s a normal human way to process things.

Absolutely this!