New friend - AIBU?

[Dooaleapa]

I met this woman at tennis club and she invited me for coffee where we chatted and got to know each other. It became a semi regular thing for a few weeks and one time I confided in her about one of the coaches who I have developed a crush on.

There is no chance of anything happening though because he is married but he does flirt with me and I have had to stop taking lessons as I felt it potentially getting out of hand.

during a coffee break she caught me at a weak moment where I needed to get it off my chest and talk to someone about it and I swore her to secrecy. She replied that she understood I was trusting her with something vulnerable and that she would hold that trust.

however, she constantly brings it up in a sort of nudge nudge wink wink sort of way in front of other people, for example: “has anyone seen xyz today? Wasn’t he looking dashing?” Then catching my eye and bursting out laughing.

I have distanced myself from her because I feel that she has let me down and I don’t need a “friend” like that.

however, after a period of silence she has messaged me to say “hello, how are you doing?”

I have no doubt that she realises why I am keeping my distance. I will reply to her eventually but will keep it very polite but firmly cool. The only reason I will respond is because we both play tennis at this club and so I want to keep things civil.

my question is though, am I overreacting?

If I were you, I'd ignore the woman, and stop going to the tennis club. There must be other clubs nearby? Find another one to join.

Totally agree with this. Trust no one. She will be dying to shit stir. I would brush it off and say ‘oh god, I’ve moved on from that. I’ve started seeing someone’. And if you have to make up a cock and bull story about a new man on the scene. Then in a few weeks say it’s cooled off a bit. Keep her as a casual friend but never reference it again.

She’s not a friend. Find another hobby.

You’re not being unreasonable to remain on friendly terms (e.g. quick “hello, how are you?” when you see her) but not develop the friendship any deeper.

She’s made it clear she’s not discrete as a confidante. So not great friend material.

I wouldn’t tell her why you’re cooling it off. Best not to encourage further indiscretion (e.g. gossip) by making a big deal of it. Unless she asks directly, in which case tell her you were surprised she made remarks in front of others when you’d confided in her.

Yes I agree with all of this. Except I won’t spell it out for her why I’ve cooled the potential friendship. She’s blown it and deep down she will know why

Yeah, it's a power trip masked as having an in-joke but it's at your expense and obviously uncomfortable. I'd just ghost her. Also if the person you feel potentially infatuated with is married is just go to a different gym/tennis place.

He's married so she has assumed this is just a funny crush

I agree with this. He's married , so she's not taking it seriously at all. Neither should you be tbh. I think you are building this all up in your head.

Having a crush on someone isn't a big deal. People find other people attractive, who cares?

I think this - just play it off as a light hearted crush, everyone has them.

As for the actual crush... Avoid him! Give tennis a miss for a while until the feeling pass

If you don’t want to ignore but also don’t want to tell her straight, just a send a thumbs up

I wouldn't trust her you asked her not to tell anyone so she went to tell someone wat if the other person does the same. Please please don't go for the married man move on forget about him and that new friend if yours

Exactly.

But this is Mumsnet where crushes are apparently all consuming and turn into 'limerence' 🙄

The normal crush appears to be a thing of the past.

You are missing the point. This isn’t about my crush. It’s about my confiding something, during a weak moment, to who I thought was a new friend and her reassuring me that she was trustworthy only to realise that she is not to be trusted after all

That's not a friend you need tbh

Sure, but are you sure she’s not going to blab your crush all over the tennis club, including the coach himself, if you show you’re annoyed with her and are dropping her?

Honestly, @Dooaleapa, you sound like you go all in too hard and too quickly. Infatuation with your tennis coach? Entrusting a secret to someone you barely know?

Do you often go in hard, overshare or otherwise move faster than others might when developing relationships with people? Because it kinda sounds like emotional dysregulation is your thing - and that leads to all sorts of unnecessary drama. I genuinely cannot imagine either of these situations happening in my life or those of my friends. And we’re not exactly a conventional bunch!

I don’t actually really care if she does. So be it. The worst that could happen is people gossip about it for a bit then it will be old news. This is more about me not wanting this woman as a friend

I understand but what I mean is maybe she hasn't realised how seriously you are taking the situation? Maybe she thinks it's just a bit of a joke?

She might be trustworthy on a subject that had more weight to it was what I was getting at.

She assured me that I could confide in her, that she valued my trust. I don’t think you then get to pick and choose what you deem worthy of discretion.

I consider your attitude quite arrogant and ignorant as to what makes the basis of a good friendship.

Why the hell have u told someone you’ve just met, and hardly know, one of your most inner secrets?!!! Honestly. And she’s already told one other (that you know about!). Keep your mouth shut in future OP and only tell your secrets to very trusted people you’ve known for years

If you are saying you're in the danger territory of limerance, then it is worth acknowledging that someone not in that state does not take it as seriously as you do. They just really don't get it. So for this woman, it's bit of a laught/ boredom-relieving gossip. No matter how sincerely and seriously you have confided this information, that you have a serious crush on John Smith, no one who is not you fully gets it because it is your fantasy life. I think you never talk about John again, not here, not with her, not with anyone (ok maybe your fully-qualified therapist) because it's a major step from moving on from this obsession (that in hidnsidht you'll realise is nothing to do with John). You talking about it, to yourself or anyone else, gives it a false air of reality. It's a fantasy, we've ALL been there at various vulnerable points. Keep it light and breezy with all concerned. If she asks : "I thought it was weird and not cool the way you were bringing up a in a nudge, nudge, wink, wink way something that we had shared in confidence and was no one else's business. I didn't realise you'd do that but whatever, you do you etc. etc." Don't be drawn into converstations about vulnerability, weakness, whether John is or is not in reality flirting with you or whether it's in your head etc. You need to fake easy breezy until you feel easy breezy. The reality is you've got yourself into some sort of fantasy, shared it with an acquaintance and you know not to do that again. I do think talking to a therapist helps work out the real messages behind these fantasies but, in any case, it will all be fine, and I hope you feel better soon. Don't ghost/fight wtih this acquaintance, it will add more unecessary drama to your life. Just understand your relationship with her for what it is - acquaintanship, not friendship.

That's my thinking too. A crush (granted he's married) is something that is often joked about, hence the "nudge nudge wink wink". Maybe she didn't realise how all consuming it was for OP.

Sorry your going through this, you needed someone, she made a promise and then betrayed you, blindsighted you and it cuts.

I've done this loads😞 Yes it's a bit of an oversight to trust someone very new in your sphere with something like that.

and if something like that is getting missed ( in the heat of needing to share)
it probably speaks to some other stuff going on.

Once a bit of the sting wears off, could be good to research therapists?
You'll probably feel need to confide again so next time why not some who has ethical standards and a governing body!
As previous poster said, maybe worth looking into emotional disregulation along with the limerance you spoke off. They can give you a safer place to explore your emotions / identify your triggers / negative patterns and work with you to make a new emotional tool kit and work on who to trust with what.
They also are less likely to throw it back at you.

If it was me, I would bin 'friend' asap. She is Queen Bee who loves collecting others information to spread it around and feel important. Most parents have met her at the school gate, the leisure centre or somewhere there are people gathering. They crave attention any way they can get it, and using their supposed power to manipulate people. In reality, she has a pretty empty life if your crush is all she has to occupy her mind. I would call her bluff and say you don't fancy the tennis coach. Tell her you were just testing her discretion for a laugh as you'd been warned she had loose lips, as you really fancy someone else (who shall remain nameless). She will feel played by you and stomp off feeling offended, so it saves you the job of telling her to get stuffed to the tune of tinkly laughter. Don't tell anyone your secrets ever, and remind yourself of the three wise monkeys especially with new people who haven't shown their true colours yet.