New friend - AIBU?

[Dooaleapa]

I met this woman at tennis club and she invited me for coffee where we chatted and got to know each other. It became a semi regular thing for a few weeks and one time I confided in her about one of the coaches who I have developed a crush on.

There is no chance of anything happening though because he is married but he does flirt with me and I have had to stop taking lessons as I felt it potentially getting out of hand.

during a coffee break she caught me at a weak moment where I needed to get it off my chest and talk to someone about it and I swore her to secrecy. She replied that she understood I was trusting her with something vulnerable and that she would hold that trust.

however, she constantly brings it up in a sort of nudge nudge wink wink sort of way in front of other people, for example: “has anyone seen xyz today? Wasn’t he looking dashing?” Then catching my eye and bursting out laughing.

I have distanced myself from her because I feel that she has let me down and I don’t need a “friend” like that.

however, after a period of silence she has messaged me to say “hello, how are you doing?”

I have no doubt that she realises why I am keeping my distance. I will reply to her eventually but will keep it very polite but firmly cool. The only reason I will respond is because we both play tennis at this club and so I want to keep things civil.

my question is though, am I overreacting?

I was just trying to offer you the opportunity to see that she could be coming from a different perspective . Not everyone sees / understands things the same way. It seems that quite a few other pp's have had the same reaction, so worth considering.

It sounds like she is a bit over familiar with people and is seeing you in the same light as she would one of her best friends and just trying to have a joke. It doesn't sound malicious but just don't share anything else like that with her.

Op said it was Liberace so I guess we have to take her word for it.

You're not overreacting, OP. I would keep my distance from her; this woman is not your friend. Just let the friendship fade away gradually. I wouldn't tell her why (she may or may not know) and would just get on with my life. I understand that you had a crush on the tennis coach, and I think it's commendable that you're really trying to make that stop by avoiding him. You didn't do anything wrong, except confide in your new friend in a moment of weakness, and she let you down. Distance yourself from her as much as possible, without making a big deal out of it ... this is probably the best way to deal with the situation.

Thanks @Carodebalo

I agree with everything you say.

The funny thing is that she has been latching onto me since I joined the club but I kept my distance because there was something a bit “off” about her. But she seemed to be pleasant enough on the surface so I gave her the benefit of the doubt and became friendly with her. When she caught me at a moment of weakness, she seemed to be kind and caring at the time.

now I see things clearly. She’s not a terrible person. Just not particularly intelligent or nuanced.

Well OP.

You sound absolutely horrible so you will be doing this woman a favour by stepping away from her.

OP - reply 'I'm fine! Busy busy! I hope all's well with you.'

And box off the former friendship. It was unkind of her. It sounds as if she love-bombed you to get you to confide. The crush will pass, and you've learned something about who to trust.

well aren’t you delightful. The feeling is mutual my dear

Sorrry, what??!!

i don’t think op comes across as a mean person at all. Vulnerable perhaps but not “horrible”. What makes you say such a thing?

Thank you @WeeGeeBored

i too wondered what elicits such a horrid response from @Goditsmemargaret

SHE IS A SHIT OP!!!!!!!!!’n

Yes but she’ll make herself look like an absolute immature loon if she dues this / she’ll make herself look much worse than she could ever make the OP look and much more embarrassing

Oh God I’ve seen plenty of these

OP I’ve read this entire thread and I haven’t got the impression you sound horrible at all

I’m taking an interest in this thread because a VERY similar thing happened to me at a vulnerable age

I think in the circumstances it would be much better for the OP if she DID have a crush on Liberace .. it would solve the problem for everyone concerned ..

Urgh that’s the thing OP I hate ‘latchers’

thank you @ClairePledger
i was taken aback too. I even wondered whether @Goditsmemargaret was her for a moment!

It was her later post about the woman latching onto her and saying how she wasn't particularly intelligent or nuanced. Plus the OP's claim she can see things clearly now.

The woman's approach would not be mine but to assume she's badly intenntioned is just nasty especially the follow up texts.

I don't understand people being so suspicious of everyone else's motives all the time.

Perhaps she really isn’t particularly intelligent or nuanced?

No I'm not her, I wouldn't be raising my eyebrows and making phwoar faces to you or sending you messages asking how you are simply because I would have given such a stupid topic about 90s of thought when you told me.

I was once doing sessions with a personal trainer - a very nice woman - when her male colleague walked by. I burst out laughing and went red. She looked quizzically at me. I wiped my eyes and then said to her " oh god, I'd hate to have to work with him, he's so goodlooking, I can't keep a straight face."

You need to get a life. This is not some big serious confidence she has betrayed. This is nothing.

Oh jesus well burn her at the stake then. What a load of drama about absolutely nothing.

The OP thinks someone is hot. Someone else knows. The end.

@Goditsmemargaret I think the one being horrible here is in fact you.

Op was already embarrassed about it and the “friend” showed her up in front of other people. That’s a big deal. Op isn’t “burning her at the stake” just coming to the conclusion that she is not friend material.

@Goditsmemargaret - you think she's being unreasonable because you'd be happy to be treated like that. But our friends aren't us! The right thing to do is to treat the person as they would prefer (or even need) to be treated, not the way you are happy for them to treat you. And the OP had made her needs very clear.

This happened to.me once. I made a new friend, liked her and told her something private. For the first time in 2 years I phoned in sick, but really I'd had my drink spiked the night before, during a few drinks in a pub (was back home for 10pm). I told her the truth but not to tell anyone. But when I returned to work, everyone knew including the managers! I felt betrayed and lost trust in this girl. I asked her why she broke her promise and told everyone. She said she didn't know but couldn't help herself. The managers suddenly thought I didn't come in because of a hang over, because the pub was mentioned! I left that job and stopped seeing that friend. With friends like that who needs enemies?!