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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New friend - AIBU?

129 replies

Dooaleapa · 01/10/2025 22:22

I met this woman at tennis club and she invited me for coffee where we chatted and got to know each other. It became a semi regular thing for a few weeks and one time I confided in her about one of the coaches who I have developed a crush on.

There is no chance of anything happening though because he is married but he does flirt with me and I have had to stop taking lessons as I felt it potentially getting out of hand.

during a coffee break she caught me at a weak moment where I needed to get it off my chest and talk to someone about it and I swore her to secrecy. She replied that she understood I was trusting her with something vulnerable and that she would hold that trust.

however, she constantly brings it up in a sort of nudge nudge wink wink sort of way in front of other people, for example: “has anyone seen xyz today? Wasn’t he looking dashing?” Then catching my eye and bursting out laughing.

I have distanced myself from her because I feel that she has let me down and I don’t need a “friend” like that.

however, after a period of silence she has messaged me to say “hello, how are you doing?”

I have no doubt that she realises why I am keeping my distance. I will reply to her eventually but will keep it very polite but firmly cool. The only reason I will respond is because we both play tennis at this club and so I want to keep things civil.

my question is though, am I overreacting?

OP posts:
Original poster
Dooaleapa · 02/10/2025 15:14

Jellybird · 02/10/2025 15:08

I don't think you're overreacting. It sounds like she knew that you were trusting her with something vulnerable, and that she understood that you and the coach both have feelings for each other. It's a difficult situation for you, and not something that a friend would normally joke about, especially as you'd told her in confidence. And to do it in front of other people is just very strange.

I had a situation with a friend once where I told her that I'd had a cosmetic treatment. I told her that it was personal and private and I wasn't telling a lot of people. But after that, every time I saw her, she would do the nudge nudge, wink wink type thing, and jokey comments about people changing how they look, asking me every time I saw her if I'd had any more "work" done, making comments in front of others about people looking fake. I really regretted telling her, but up until that point she'd been a good friend.

I think sometimes telling someone a "secret" can cause strange reactions in some people - maybe it's their own insecurities or something, I don't know!

You’ve totally got it @Jellybird

OP posts:
Original poster
Dooaleapa · 02/10/2025 15:16

Meandmyguy · 02/10/2025 14:35

It's pretty shitty of you telling people you have a crush on a married man as she knows him.

Wrong.

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 02/10/2025 15:20

People who collect private information about you to use against you are not good people, let alone friends.
She might not have actually told anyone else, she might have just said that to make you even more uncomfortable.

BellyPork · 02/10/2025 15:23

The vast majority of people are blabbermouths.
Apparently discretion is a forgotten virtue.

ClairePledger · 02/10/2025 15:24

Dooaleapa · 01/10/2025 22:27

Sorry, I forgot to say that she has told one other person but swore to me that she was descrete

She’s an absolute arsehole if this is the case

Original poster
Dooaleapa · 02/10/2025 15:25

the question I was asking was AIBU to cut her off because she has shown that she is not to be trusted. I will say hello when we see each other around the club but we are not friends

OP posts:
perfectcolourfound · 02/10/2025 15:26

No you aren't over-reacting. You confided in someone you thought you could trust. She gave you her word. She's now told someone else, and is going out of her way to 'hint' to other people whilst deliberetely making you uncomfortable.

She doesn't sound like a nice person, and I too would keep my distance from hereon.

Just keep your head down, enjoy your tennis, keep your distance from the coach and from her, and this will all be old news very soon.

mdwitscga · 02/10/2025 15:27

Dooaleapa · 02/10/2025 15:25

the question I was asking was AIBU to cut her off because she has shown that she is not to be trusted. I will say hello when we see each other around the club but we are not friends

I wouldn't be meeting her for coffee or telling her anything again. Just greet her at the club and exchange a few pleasantries but that's it.
YANBU

Spirited123 · 02/10/2025 15:27

Yes, lesson learned, you’ve done nothing wrong, but telling such a new friend was a high risk.

Save this stuff only for your ancient ride-or-die friends, and preferably ones that aren’t close to a situation, it’s too much pressure on them

Personally I think getting an ‘ankle injury’ and having a few months off of tennis would be a good idea.. give yourself and everyone a break and things will blow over x

vivi45 · 02/10/2025 15:28

She’s being a twat for sure. If someone has told you something in confidence and made it clear it’s very private and not a joke, then repeatedly bringing it up in front of others is a dick move. I’m not sure why anyone would find it acceptable to be honest.

I do think an easy breezy response will shut it down quicker than dwelling on it and making it a big issue. Least said soonest forgotten as they say. But yes I would take this as a warning about her character and would distance myself.

SkaneTos · 02/10/2025 15:29

Change sport to badminton.

ClairePledger · 02/10/2025 15:31

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 02/10/2025 14:34

If you ever do meet up with her again mention that something minor happened and it gave you the ick so you're completely off him now. For instance doing that snotty sniff thing instead of blowing his nose. Then ignore any reference to him for ever.

This is good advice or just ignore any reference to him ever !

ClairePledger · 02/10/2025 15:32

perfectcolourfound · 02/10/2025 15:26

No you aren't over-reacting. You confided in someone you thought you could trust. She gave you her word. She's now told someone else, and is going out of her way to 'hint' to other people whilst deliberetely making you uncomfortable.

She doesn't sound like a nice person, and I too would keep my distance from hereon.

Just keep your head down, enjoy your tennis, keep your distance from the coach and from her, and this will all be old news very soon.

Definitely she’s awful !

Flamethrowers · 02/10/2025 15:36

I would feel very let down if I told someone something jn confidence and they shared it. I am scrupulous about keeping secrets and very careful who I tell my secrets too. I recently misjudged and told a secret to a close friend who I love but have ‘only’ known ten years. She told a mutual friend who told a colleague - who doesn’t particularly like me - and they told everyone. I mean everyone to the extent they it is now common knowledge in my workplace. I still love my friend but I will never tell her anything again.

Kerrisk · 02/10/2025 15:37

Honestly,OP, this is partly on you. You confided in someone you barely knew and had had only a few coffee dates with, about something private when you can’t possibly have known whether she was a gossip, or indiscreet, or not.

I mean, aside from her behaviour around your crush, is this something you see possibly developing into a friendship?

Original poster
Dooaleapa · 02/10/2025 15:43

Kerrisk · 02/10/2025 15:37

Honestly,OP, this is partly on you. You confided in someone you barely knew and had had only a few coffee dates with, about something private when you can’t possibly have known whether she was a gossip, or indiscreet, or not.

I mean, aside from her behaviour around your crush, is this something you see possibly developing into a friendship?

Yes I made a mistake

OP posts:
3456DDF · 02/10/2025 15:46

Are you going to reply to her?

Original poster
Dooaleapa · 02/10/2025 15:48

I still haven’t responded to her text. AIBU to ignore it?

OP posts:
catchafluflu · 02/10/2025 15:50

Well, you can't trust her with anything too private. Some people love getting a bit of juice on someone - it gives them power. It could be that's she's just being playful and thinks she's conspiratorial with you but the 'nudge, nudge, wink' stuff in front of others would piss me off.

I would wonder if she senses you've cooled off with her because of her indiscretion and teasing that if you cut her off altogether she'll have no vested interest in keeping your secret at all. It may be wise to keep her sweet. So, either clear the air with her about how she's upset you or try to re set the 'friendship' with her to a less confessional one!

Allthatshines1992 · 02/10/2025 15:52

Dooaleapa · 01/10/2025 22:36

She definitely knows how I feel about it and she was actually very supportive at the time.

it is that she shared this with someone else and yes it’s only one other person but it was not hers to share especially after I asked her not to

I wouldn't bother keeping her as a friend. Honestly I'd mute and delete her from WhatsApp

Happyjoe · 02/10/2025 15:53

Well, friends come in all shapes and types, but it's probably not worth carrying on. I mean, if you cant trust someone not to share your secrets and have someone on your side like a normal friend then why have her around? If it were me, I'd move on, brush it down to experience and forget all about it.

3456DDF · 02/10/2025 15:53

No YANBU she sounds very childish

But I think you will end up between a rock and a hard place with her.

If you dont reply - she will keep sending messages.

If you do reply it opens the floodgates to her, and she will think you are ok with her silliness.

I think I would have to reply in a cold way and try to shut down anymore messages.

Original poster
Dooaleapa · 02/10/2025 15:54

catchafluflu · 02/10/2025 15:50

Well, you can't trust her with anything too private. Some people love getting a bit of juice on someone - it gives them power. It could be that's she's just being playful and thinks she's conspiratorial with you but the 'nudge, nudge, wink' stuff in front of others would piss me off.

I would wonder if she senses you've cooled off with her because of her indiscretion and teasing that if you cut her off altogether she'll have no vested interest in keeping your secret at all. It may be wise to keep her sweet. So, either clear the air with her about how she's upset you or try to re set the 'friendship' with her to a less confessional one!

I get where you’re coming from but tbh if she does blab to everyone but I keep my powder dry then that just reflects badly on her. I don’t think she’ll actually do that though. I suspect it’s more a clumsy way to try and stay close to me in a “conspiratorial way” as a PP suggested but it’s had the opposite effect of pushing me away instead.

OP posts:
Meandmyguy · 02/10/2025 15:56

Why can't you jut tell her straight that you don't want to be friends with her, that she blabbed bla bla.

No need for such angst surely.

Marosanne · 02/10/2025 15:56

Are you joking? She is reminding you she has power over you. Definitely cool things with her.

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