Were you parentified as a child?

[Thepursuitofnappiness]

If you were, how has it impacted you?

My mother suffered multiple traumas in her life before she had me, and there were many upsetting ongoing circumstances in her life when I was a child.

Basically, she used me as her therapist and told me all of her problems, starting around aged 9. It revolved around her problems, people who had hurt her, memories from her traumas and then frequently criticising practically she everybody knew, including my dad. By age 12 I knew the details of two very horrific experiences that she had encountered but I was sworn to absolute secrecy that I must never betray her and tell anyone. I always gave mature advice, even as a child and she would praise my maturity and wisdom, which I loved. I constantly felt extreme rage about the people who had hurt her and immense frustration about all these many many situations where people hurt her and she let them get away with it. I know now that it's easier said than done, but I couldn't process this.

My kids are now 9 and 12 and it absolutely blows my mind to even consider telling them my problems, let alone things that would upset them. I went through my teens utterly miserable and never knew why. I took an overdose at 16 and developed a problem with alcohol and drugs. I've been sober for 15 years and have had therapy through the years. However new things keep popping up at different parts of my marriage or my kids' ages.

I'm just curious really, if anyone can relate to this? If so, what was your experience and how it affect you? I keep thinking I'm over it and realising I'm not.

Yes, my mother did the same.

We barely speak as a consequence and when we do there are hard boundaries in place. I'm just not interested in having that kind of mum/therapist relationship. It's exhausting.

Wow I've never met anyone to have been through it too. Do you mind telling me how it impacted you? I've felt so lonely my whole life because I don't feel like anyone understands what it's like to be used like this. I know my mum loved me but was such a broken person she couldn't be the mother she wanted to be, but the effects seem to be the gift that keeps giving.

I should have added that it stopped when I wad about 20 as I would leave the room every time she started. She got very angry with me and told me I was being disrespectful. She then conceded that she doesn't tell me anything anymore, but implied that she was doing me a big favour by not burdening me with her troubles. So it doesn't happen anymore.

Yep.
Single DM. DF screwed her over in the divorce and left the country so she was penniless with 3 DC, we often didn’t have 50p for the gas meter so regularly washed in cold water, we had egg and home made chips for Sunday dinner because she couldn’t afford to buy meat. I’m sure it was a horrible existence for her.
Regularly said she was going to get in the bath and slit her wrists, and it would be the bath so it wouldn’t make a mess.
She then got together with an abusive man so, although finances improve, life didn’t. He then cheated on her when I was a young adult and she took a (non fatal) overdose. She has been single ever since, but never financially stable and my siblings and I have been propping her up for years, we can no longer list to the ‘woe is me’ tales though. My siblings and I are all in our 50’s and now quite emotionally distant people.

I’ve had terrible MH since a teen, started regularly drinking at 15 and ended up with alcohol issues. (AF for 5+ years) I keep my issues inside. I don’t unburden them to anyone these days.

Yes, my mum did very similar. She treated me as a friend and confidante from when I was about 9. She died when I was 21 having been unwell for several years, during which I slowly became more and more of a carer for her. She had emphysema and refused to stop smoking, so it was an entirely preventable illness (physically at least, I know that addiction is not easy to conquer). I had no idea at the time that our relationship was anything less than the ideal mother-daughter bond. It's only when I reached my 30s that I became quite angry at how I'd been raised. My dad was not really around much and he had a partner who had quite serious mental health problems, so I didn't really have any other support. It was hard. You have my sympathy OP. Counselling helped me A LOT.

Gosh I'm so sorry. What a terrible burden to put on you and your siblings, plus the fact that you still bail her out financially must be so frustrating. My mother also talked about slitting her throat in the garden. I tried to raise these things with her in my twenties and she stopped talking to me for 3 months until I had grovelled apologised enough.

I'm so sorry for you experience, and your loss. You had a double whammy of being a nurse as well as therapist. Big hugs.

@Thepursuitofnappiness I can't relate, because my parents never burdened me with their problems. What you experienced as a child, you shouldn't have. From what you've written, you seem to have successfully recognised the situation you were put in, dealt with it and, with your own children, broken the cycle for which - and I hope this doesn't sound patronising - I commend you.

Yes. Parents hated each other and used me as a go-between, and for childcare. I would be kept off school to look after my younger siblings. I've got arthritis in my right hip from carrying children around on it all the time when I was so young. (6 upwards.)
I would be told things and asked to help with things that I had no right being told as a child.

They didn't want me to go to uni because they would have lost their free nanny, and when I applied and got in they tried their best to make it impossible for me until I moved out.

They try to treat me like a child now I'm an adult.

Massively, parentification and emotional incest. Remember her telling me at a very young age "I would kill myself if it wasn't for you". But then as a teenager telling me i was a contraceptive failing. My dad mentioning a weekend he'd had abroad as a young man "that's where your dad went with that prostitute" Thanks mum. She needed therapy was very unhappy but that wasn't my issue.

Turned me into a fawning people pleaser, not knowing my own mind. Felt totally responsible for her happiness until ,well, not that long ago. She was also up and down emotionally, so coming into the house you didn't know if she'd be ok not speaking to you (loved a bit of the silent treatment my mother) or sat in the dark crying. I work from home and my greeting when my child comes back from school is unwaveringly positive and upbeat no matter what is going on, I will not have her scared to come home.

You are very kind, thank you. I'm a different parent to my mum I'm most ways (she did have some good qualities which I think I have too) but mainly, when I see my kids I see young, innocent people depending on ME, not the other way around. Thank you though! I take my kids' mental health very seriously and want them to enjoy their childhood.

^ This.

Distanced myself at 18, but kept a close eye on her. By early 30's was No to very low contact, with strict boundaries. Sadly dragged into her ongoing psychodrama as she has aged and is now needing care. But after a very turbulent year am back to putting very firm boundaries in place with her and the wider family who are all as messed up as she is.

My MH broadly intact, but only because I have a great DH, know when to get help, get advice when needed. Also, I am fortunate that when I need to make serious decisions I can afford to put professionals in place to do this for me so that we are absolutely within the letter of the law. Otherwise the kick back from the rest of the family is horrific.

Yes! If I feel like mum is annoyed with me, I will spiral. Spiral, spiral, spiral. I feel like I've been conditioned to think that my sole purpose for existence was to cater to her emotional needs and that has never left me. She also seemed to labour under this misapprehension for a long time, for example, huffing with me over certain life choices. For a long time, I felt like life was not my own to live and I turned down career opportunities that I didn't think she would approve of etc (in my 30s!). It's been so painful to realise that my life is my own but that she doesn't really believe it is, deep down. Also agree with the moodiness and her spending a lot of time in bed.

I'm sorry. Are the rest of your family on her side? Did she drag you inter her problems when you were growing up?

Yes. I’m now a psychologist. Such a cliche 🤣

I have good boundaries though and healthy relationships. I am keenly aware not to do the same to my children. I will undoubtedly make mistakes but I’ll hopefully be able to reflect and apologise. The best we can hope for is ti break the cycle.

Very true! Staying humble and not being beyond reproach is a big step. I told my kids they can always tell me if they are angry or upset with me and I cherish their trust when they do take me up on it. I was never allowed to do that.

Not in my family but my step children's mother did this. She once boasted to me that when DH left, their son (age 9) became the 'man of the house'. Decades later they have a very enmeshed relationship and everything he does is about keeping her happy. It puts so much pressure on him.

Yup my mum did similar. I knew everything about everything from a young age. Work, friend issues, marriage troubles, then when my dad died she totally relied on me to be her therapist and PA. I was just a teenager. Consequently I don’t think I’ve had a healthy relationship or friendship in my life as I keep my walls up and am in therapy trying to deal with this.

Yes my mother used me as a crutch and therapist in a similar way to yours. She always called me “wise” and I don’t think she had any idea how much it affected me. I also went a bit off the rails as a teen. She shared something horrific with me about 18 months ago and it totally brought back memories of my childhood and how much she used me as support for her trauma. I had therapy a few years ago and after this incident 18 months ago I took myself straight back to therapy so I could get help processing it and moving on. It really helped and my therapist told me to watch out as my DD grows up. That my DD becoming the age I was when certain things happened in my childhood may trigger me. If my DD rebels as a teen it will be triggering for me. I am glad I know this in advance and if necessary I’ll seek therapy again. If you haven’t already had some of really recommend it if you feel like you are struggling

I think it’s really important to realise that young children are in fact people. I think many parents, especially abusive ones, don’t fully grasp this. I am so glad that smacking is banned here in Scotland as I think it’s madness that adults were allowed to hit children! Recognising the personhood of a child and seeing them as being different from yourself, really SEEING them is so important. Rather than seeing them as annoying pests, or seeking enmeshment/parentification. People who haven’t healed from their own childhood traumas will pass these down to their own children in some shape or form.

What has helped me massively is the mantra from many a self help book - feelings aren't facts - but when you feel awful and that horrible sicky pit of the stomach feeling that they are mad at you , it's hard not to fawn to get rid of that feeling (and anyone else that you feel is mad at you). It can be done though. A helpful book I found was Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, Lindsay Gibson.

Yes ditto to all you have written, it was horrendous. My younger siblings experienced it differently and always denied my version of events and their mental health has not been impacted in the same way, or they certainly work hard to hide any impact.
I’m life long anxious, have had to work hard on people pleaser tendencies and keep over giving in all relationships.
hugely anxious and am desperate to be a better parent to my kids, it’s hard due to my health issues but I do my best and they know they’re loved and are lazy tykes so hopefully they don’t feel too beholden to me 🤣

Yes I also recommend this book.

urgh yes to regular suicide threats (both parents, not together) plus gas and electricity meter shenanigans, police involvement,
I estranged myself in the end for the sake of my brain and my own kids

@Thepursuitofnappiness not really on her side as such. But quite the toxic Karpman Drama Triangle between them all. With no one taking any responsibility for their actions. One of those love to hate relationships between M and her siblings and parents. M had significant MH issues which made her / makes her very difficult to deal with but instead of supporting her and me (single parent and I am her only child) they all judged and manipulated and refused to acknowledge deeper problems.

Now in their 70s it is very apparent the issues are all theirs, but I was scapegoated for very many years. Am still coming to terms with it but a counsellor who works with family dynamics has been very helpful in supporting me to see these are their issues, not mine. Not quite there yet in feeling that revelation in my "bones" yet. But working on it.