Were you parentified as a child?

[Thepursuitofnappiness]

If you were, how has it impacted you?

My mother suffered multiple traumas in her life before she had me, and there were many upsetting ongoing circumstances in her life when I was a child.

Basically, she used me as her therapist and told me all of her problems, starting around aged 9. It revolved around her problems, people who had hurt her, memories from her traumas and then frequently criticising practically she everybody knew, including my dad. By age 12 I knew the details of two very horrific experiences that she had encountered but I was sworn to absolute secrecy that I must never betray her and tell anyone. I always gave mature advice, even as a child and she would praise my maturity and wisdom, which I loved. I constantly felt extreme rage about the people who had hurt her and immense frustration about all these many many situations where people hurt her and she let them get away with it. I know now that it's easier said than done, but I couldn't process this.

My kids are now 9 and 12 and it absolutely blows my mind to even consider telling them my problems, let alone things that would upset them. I went through my teens utterly miserable and never knew why. I took an overdose at 16 and developed a problem with alcohol and drugs. I've been sober for 15 years and have had therapy through the years. However new things keep popping up at different parts of my marriage or my kids' ages.

I'm just curious really, if anyone can relate to this? If so, what was your experience and how it affect you? I keep thinking I'm over it and realising I'm not.

Snap but if you were like me that is beacuse you will have been groomed by her that she was always the wronged party and you should feel sorry for her. So please don't feel shame.

Thank you very much for your kind reply.

I'm actually very struck by how generous you are in your attention to the stories and feelings of the women who have posted on this thread. You are both full of emotional insight and also very warm in your readiness to see and respond to other people's emotional needs.

For a while I was worried that by posting our own stories we on this thread had accidentally trapped you in the old cycle of allowing others' needs to squash your own legitimate need to be seen and cared for.

But actually, having read a lot of your responses I began to feel that the warmth you show is authentically self-expressive, and compatible with knowing that your own needs are truly heard . I do hope so anyway. xx

It is an admirable way to have flowered in the face of adversity. My own response has been emotionally much colder. (In fact my mother said that to me once - 'You are so cold - when I failed to respond with enthusiasm to some overture she had made to me.)

I'm guessing that you are a wonderful mum. But I hope you don't feel a need to be everyone's wonderful mum.

Thank you very much for your kind reply.

I'm actually very struck by how generous you are in your attention to the stories and feelings of the women who have posted on this thread. You are both full of emotional insight and also very warm in your readiness to see and respond to other people's emotional needs.

For a while I was worried that by posting our own stories we on this thread had accidentally trapped you in the old cycle of allowing others' needs to squash your own legitimate need to be seen and cared for.

But actually, having read a lot of your responses I began to feel that the warmth you show is authentically self-expressive, and compatible with knowing that your own needs are truly heard . I do hope so anyway. xx

It is an admirable way to have flowered in the face of adversity. My own response has been emotionally much colder. (In fact my mother said that to me once - 'You are so cold - when I failed to respond with enthusiasm to some overture she had made to me.)

I'm guessing that you are a wonderful mum. But I hope you don't feel a need to be everyone's wonderful mum.

Sorry, i don't remember, it was a long time ago and I don't seem to have kept it. I think it was an American book - it was all about going no contact and I just couldnt do that.

All these posts resonate so much. My mum is the same, she just isn't interested. I went to New york in April - she's not asked me if we enjoyed it and we are now in September so that ship has sailed. I see her very little, it's so odd as she is just liked some random woman who I have awkward conversations with, from how totally enmeshed we were it's so different, I would have said a few years ago that we were so close - we weren't, she just used me and as soon as I asserted a boundary (in this case her bloody badly behaved dog) she just dropped me. My dad is dead now, so she doesn't need me to whinge to, to take him to hospital etc.

F

Same!!! If I say I'm tired.....response is " god, you do need a lot of sleep don't you"

Apparently having a baby shouldn't be a big deal because her own mother gave birth at home with no pain relief and straight back out to work the fields after.

Zero interest in my life, has not noticed I stopped sharing years ago. In fact, seems to enjoy it because more time for her to tell me all about herself. I have to hear about her work drama, her hobbies, what clothes she bought, what in particular she likes about an item of clothing she bought. She couldn't name one of my work colleagues or friends. Does not want to know.

You really have to wonder what's wrong with some people.

I was the opposite, i didn't know where I ended and she began and there was a subtle campaign to make me feel useless. If I made a normal teenage mistake both her and my dad would go absolutely mental, it was like they could constantly f*ck up but I was not allowed to. I was really anxious and scared and anxiously attached to her, so much so that i didn't take up a place at uni which is my biggest regret.

No I disagree, I am not imperfect like my mother, my child is nearly 16 and I have managed to not complain about my husband, threaten to kill myself, have sex in the same room as her or explain details about my sex life.

My experience is softer than others on here but just wanted to second the people pleaser outcome, I'm definitely a people pleasure and have had moments of not knowing myself at times, despite giving off a confident personality.

Gosh, what a lovely message!! How kind of you! Well, I did start the thread and wanted to be able to relate to other people who have been through the same. I guess as I started the thread, I wanted to shepherd it, but it wasn't falling into old patterns. For me, I'm very eager to meet others who have been through the same but also am aware that some people might realise they were parentified for the first time. I actually have a very attuned sensor for emotional vampirism and stop it as soon as I detect it. My body knows before I do and I just don't allow it to happen. The only people I mother are my own children.

Yesterday one of my kids made me a sign for my bedroom door and wrote Dr Mummy On it. She make a cosy corner and put a worry box in it. I asked her what it was all about and she said 'because you're my therapist! You solve all of my problems!' And I felt so happy because this is the way it should be!

lol I don’t see it as a top trumps, I just ‘like’ that there’s a place to share this stuff with people who understand, it’s very hard to talk about irl because it’s either so far removed from people’s ‘normal’ experience or a complete walk in the park compared to others who’ve experienced different kinds of abuse, it’s hard to find a safe space to sit with it.and yes to the hearing sex too, way too loud, grim 🫣

Ditto ref people pleaser and knowing oneself. Very weird to be in that headspace as a parent / role model. Am getting better at understanding myself and my kids seem to have strong sense of self

Yes similar I stood up to mine aged 50 was polite and it was something minor and she could not cope was the end of our relationship not that there was much of one anyway, even less since I gave up thinking of polite topics of conversation . Now she is old in hospital and struggling ( my dad and brothers lived nearby) she still does not want to talk to me I too have better conversations with the Tesco checkout staff x

From the moment I had children my mum would answer the phone to me "how are the girls?" She never, ever asked about me. She/my dad never phoned me either - i had to call, and sometimes I would wait a week to see if they would call me but they never did.

I think there were attachment issues in there besides the narcissism. My mum was overly attached to me until she had my brother- from then on I was of limited interest. By the time I was at secondary school I would say she actively disliked her, but I still kept trying to make her like me / keep her happy.

I did have quite a bit of therapy after I adopted - i think it helped enormously as I was able to see what was going on and work out strategies to deal with her.

We all went to America for a nephew's wedding and stayed at my aunt's house and I swear she didn't speak to me once the whole time. She was back with her siblings and she just focused on them.

it’s wild isnt how much we put up with and then they just drop us if we stand up for ourselves, and there is us thinking we are so vital to them. I find on a lot of threads on here the women have bonkers parents and when they push back or assert a boundary the parent goes into overdrive and won’t leave them alone, love bombs them, sends letters and money etc. mine like yours just dropped me. All the energy we put into keeping them happy.

I'm glad that's your aim and it's important to process, understand and all of the things in your past that have affected you.

And therapy is great for that what it's not great for is for happens next... Yes our parents and family did x,y and z but life goes on and we don't want to cut off our relationships unless they are extreme.

Also, therapy often doesn't reflect on you, especially when it focussed with what happened in your childhood because as a child you are the victim. But as an adult perhaps there are things you are not getting right that might be impacting on others.

You sound very self reflective and switched on, unlike me hah when the was processing things.

I was. I bore the brunt of my Mother’s emotional immaturity and it’s only been recently I’ve realised it wasn’t just my obviously abusive ex-step father who did a number on me. I am in lower contact with my Mum than my siblings are, but we live very far away so can generally get away with only seeing her every other year. It’s amazing how much she misremembers my childhood and teenage years. I don’t bother confronting her about things as it’s not worth the effort. I am very close to my siblings and if it weren’t for them I’m not sure I would maintain contact. My siblings all suffered differently from me, so we all have our own crosses to bare in that regard.

My parents were managing to feed us and cover the very basics, but anything out of the routine would create such rage and chaos that I learned to hide it. That included stepping in and parenting my younger sibling. I even took to punishing her for egregious behavior rather than let my parents find out what she was doing, just to avoid triggering them.

my mother also relied on me when my father abused her. She knew I would step up and take care of everything for the youngest. She didn’t want to go to the authorities right away so she would talk about doing to soon and ask me to promise to testify.

Yes mom, I know he broke your arm and you aren’t going to the hospital. Wtf do you want me to say, I’m a kid who packed bags as soon as I heard the fight escalating because I know how this goes, we leave, sleep rough, then go to school in the morning and pretend nothing happened.

I was exactly the same, madly promiscuous from 13-15 even with people I didn't like. I felt like it didn't matter, that someone may as well have a moment's pleasure from my carcass. I've had very few relationships as an adult and have still had sex with an insane amount of people. I've also had alcohol problems (15 years af) and have food problems. It's basically because we were squashed flat by their all consuming need.

I slept around a huge amount in my late teens/early twenties too. I definitely sought validation and connection through sex (which looking back is absolutely insane). Thankfully I married the most patient man on earth who has shown me what true unconditional loves looks like.

Yes, working through it has shown me a truer picture of my mother and now when she behaves a certain way, I can think 'oh that's just mum trying to be in control again, she does this' and it takes the sting out. I don't live terribly close to her and know how to begin my escape during my short and sweet visits. I try to capitalise on nice times, like going out for tea together and or going shopping I'll suggest things for her and she likes it. It's light and fun. I do lots of greyrock and I have to say that I'm much more in control of my responses, internal and external. It's an ongoing thing, very much a work in progress and I'm getting there. For me, forgiveness is the aim and bit by bit I'm letting go of bits and pieces and making my peace with what I can.

That's awful. I'm so sorry. How traumatic for you.

Yes, I too felt like a body. I don't actually think my mother would have endorsed that view outright; she was quite traditional and didn't approve of casual sex but I do feel like she helped create someone who saw themselves as just a body. And yet on a deeper level I knew I was more than just a body and, again, the disconnect hurt. I think I wanted someone to really love me. Then guys would come along and really love me and I would have nothing. No emotion. Just dead inside.

I remembered that I also self harmed and I remember telling my mum that I had cut myself and her reaction was 'how do you think that makes me feel?'

I don't want to demonise my mum, but I honestly cannot fathom a planet where one of my kids tells me they cut themselves and my response isn't some form of 'what do you need? How can I help?'

I agree with not bothering to confront. What's the point? They seem to generally rewrite reality or have justification for it.