Were you parentified as a child?

[Thepursuitofnappiness]

If you were, how has it impacted you?

My mother suffered multiple traumas in her life before she had me, and there were many upsetting ongoing circumstances in her life when I was a child.

Basically, she used me as her therapist and told me all of her problems, starting around aged 9. It revolved around her problems, people who had hurt her, memories from her traumas and then frequently criticising practically she everybody knew, including my dad. By age 12 I knew the details of two very horrific experiences that she had encountered but I was sworn to absolute secrecy that I must never betray her and tell anyone. I always gave mature advice, even as a child and she would praise my maturity and wisdom, which I loved. I constantly felt extreme rage about the people who had hurt her and immense frustration about all these many many situations where people hurt her and she let them get away with it. I know now that it's easier said than done, but I couldn't process this.

My kids are now 9 and 12 and it absolutely blows my mind to even consider telling them my problems, let alone things that would upset them. I went through my teens utterly miserable and never knew why. I took an overdose at 16 and developed a problem with alcohol and drugs. I've been sober for 15 years and have had therapy through the years. However new things keep popping up at different parts of my marriage or my kids' ages.

I'm just curious really, if anyone can relate to this? If so, what was your experience and how it affect you? I keep thinking I'm over it and realising I'm not.

That's very useful to think about.

I also have the description of very horrific scenes imprinted in my mind from detailed descriptions when I was a child. One was a very grievous act against a woman and as a teen I became absolutely obsessed with this act and became convinced it happened to me when I was 18. I absolutely fell apart and lost my mind. I felt like it had happened to my mother twice, or some other kind of completely effed up, enmeshed absolute mess of a situation.

I read it, it's great!!!

Sat in the dark crying. Horrendous, I’m sorry. My mum did the same. Or come into my room when I was asleep, sit on my bed and ‘huff’ and sigh till I woke up ‘aren’t you going to ask me what’s wrong then?’
and either tell me all her adult problems or start ripping into me about the mess, in the middle of the night.
Absolutely batshit crazy

Oh wow that really is awful. At least my mum didn't wake me in the night to offload! That's terrible!

Yes. I remember her crying over her crush on her pottery teacher when I was 6 and me trying to mediate between her and my dad about their marriage problems. It was all about her wants and not my needs. She also bullied me and my dad. I hate her. My dad couldn't be arsed to leave even when she was sleeping with another man.

Yes to the mediation. Also had to sit between them to sort things out. Always took my mums side, to my shame.

this caused me immense problems in life, I learnt to anticipate peoples moods, becoming hypervigulent. I learnt to put Mums needs first and found it hard to even identify my own. Once free, when I left home I went off the rails and enjoyed my freedom, which meant drinking too much, taking drugs and enjoying little responsibility.

I am now 44, I dont have children of my own, but I have forged a life for myself after years of counselling and learning to put boundaries in place with my mum. It has been difficult and painful, but I had to redraw the lines somehow, as a previous poster said, you cant be their counsellor.

That’s interesting that she knew she was burdening you with her issues. I guess some people are so wrapped up in themselves. Must have been difficult as a child to have the weight of all that. Do you feel like it affected your outlook, as in are you more guarded and negative as you think there are lots of ‘bad’ people out there or have you been able to separate it?

My mum does this to me now I’m an adult, I find it very difficult to bear, but at least I have control over contact and recognise when it’s happening so can change subjects and divert her- she knows I don’t like to hear her ever growing list of complaints about my dad but doesn’t seem to be able to stop herself- she doesn’t have anyone else and won’t see a counsellor. I can’t imagine how much it would have affected me as a child when I know how much I struggle as an adult to be her unpaid therapist!!

Same with me. Totally went off the rails. I was also quite promiscuous and not because I had a high sex drive or anything. I think I had a 'meh' attitude to myself and saw myself as just being there for other people to use. I didn't see my own intrinsic worth as a valuable and loveable being. I don't feel like I had a bad childhood, as such. There were happy times but amid the happy times was a child whose emotional needs were not being met.

As a child I didn't know any better and wanted to help my mum. I saw her crying a lot and think I was just a very caring and loving child who really cared and got rewarded with all of the 'what would I do without you?' And 'you've such a wise head such young shoulders'. I felt important and useful and like 'right, mummy is sad but I make her feel better and that's my superpower' kind of thing. Towards my late teens she would start trying to talk to me and I would have a physical reaction like some sort of ghost was coming out of her body to attack me. Like I would feel like something was coming at me, like I had to brace myself for an invisible force about to hit me. She would start talking and my stomach would start rumbling and I'd need to rush to the toilet to have diarrhea. It was like, as an adult I was literally sick of it and had no choice but to stop it.

I totally understand that, I was raped and it barely registered. I could never be open with family about any of it as I didn't want them to worry, I just took it all.

Being praised for being emotionally mature, and told that we were her only reason for existence, when I wanted her to have more from life. Its so complicated and I believe my mum to be a vulnerable narcissist. weve both had to learn a new way of being with each other, she knows that if she tells me she wants to die that I will tell her she needs to seek professional help. I withdrew for years but we are rebuilding, which is nice.

We can heal, but it takes years and a lot of soul searching to get there. I still have anxiety, which I manage. I also manage how often we see each other so I still have my safe life.

I wish all of those who have experienced similar some peace.

My parents were too emotionally immature to be able to offer me any sensible advice, especially where relationships/friendships were concerned. My role was to listen to their problems, which was deeply damaging as a young child as there was a massive about of oversharing and no age appropriate boundaries. My problems and perspectives weren’t given time or consideration. On the rare times my parents would attempt advice, usually about a sensitive friendship matter, they would get angry and have a very black and white response; “she’s awful, stop bothering with her” or “just don’t talk to her ever again” etc. there was no understanding of nuance and perspective taking. It’s the same to this day. I’m amazed I managed to make and keep friends! Both my parents have really struggled with friendships throughout their lives, frequently finding issues within others and not themselves.

I think it’s really important to try to model healthy relationships and boundaries with DC, and not just trivialise their problems. I often just kept things to myself, knowing I’d just receive a minimising and blunt response if I did open up. You very quickly learn that your role in life is to be helpful to others, to help them emotionally regulate, to soothe them. It’s no wonder many of us become ‘wounded healers’ ourselves. I sometimes wonder who I’d be if I’d have had a different upbringing. Sometimes I feel I get glimpses of her.

Yes. I do think it has given me some traits which are invaluable. I understood the complexity of adulthood from an early age. I saw the world isn't black and white. I saw that people often don't have any options other than bad choices.

Shouldn't be the way though.

Im so sorry. This shows how terribly you had been programmed to have no right to any emotions or feelings if your own. Gosh, I'm so sorry. I wish you so much peace x̌xx

Me! A couple of years ago my mum apologised because she’d learnt the term “parentification” and realised she’d done it to me. Of course I’d known for years and been through many years of therapy.

Sorry you went through that. I was parentified by both of my parents in different ways. My dad was a short-tempered bully whose moods were impossible to predict. I remember once telling him that someone was bullying me at school and he asked me what I had done to deserve it and then called me a creep. I was a very timid, shy child who wouldn’t say boo to a goose. I never told him anything about myself or shared problems with him and learnt to just behave in a way that would manage his anger. I am now hyper-tuned into people’s emotions and feelings because I had to read his in order to keep myself safe. I constantly worry I’ve upset or annoyed someone, and will repeatedly ask them what’s wrong if I perceive them to be a bit quiet or off. I also find it difficult to take direction from men and don’t respond well when I’ve had male bosses at work.

My mum never really had boundaries and would tell me all of her worries, or discuss them in front of me, from a young age. Growing up, I felt that she had so many issues and problems that it wouldn’t be fair to burden her with mine, so I internalised everything or learnt to ask friends for advice instead. Even to this day, she will tell me all her problems but has never noticed that I never share my feelings, concerns or worries with her.

Luckily I have wonderful friends and an amazing husband who I can share things with, but my parents never really played that role.

I am absolutely sure that you are full of potential that you don't even realise, and that you can realise it. I really do think you can heal well enough to surprise yourself with what you can do. In spite of everything, I feel like I have healed a lot and actually have lots of great relationships with friends, colleagues etc. I think my upbringing made me sensitive to others, now that I've harnessed it. I hope you find the real you inside; she is definitely in there!

Wow. That's rare to hear a mum like that taking accountability!

Sweetheart you were very, very badly let down by your parents. Your childhood was curtailed by your mums inherently selfish nature. You have every right to be cross and to want your voice to be heard. You also have the right to not go through fake fiasco relationships with anyone you are very much not happy with if they are wilfully cruel across space and time. It doesn’t matter if it’s your 6 stone 90 year old frail parent.

many of us here have come to similar points in the road. The Stately Homes thread on this board is full of great resources for you.

In sorry you had this from both parents. Funny you should say this, but I don't tell my mum my problems as she always finds a way to turn it into some form of 'do you not think you brought this on yourself?' I once had a problem and told her and she said 'I've never had that problem before so don't know what you should do'. If I share things about my life, she seems bored. I hear my husband telling his mum all about his week on the phone, but my mum just doesn't know how to respond to even facts I give such as 'I tried such and such place for lunch last week'. Conversation is so clunky. It was never clunky when she was pouring out all of her emotions.

I think I am healed as much as I can be. But trauma changes a person and I’ll always wonder the person I could have been without that.

My mum did the same. I've been NC for several years now. She would encourage me and my sisters to be hostile to anyone who had hurt her ( our dads each other ect ) there was a lot of triangulation between everyone. I know things about my parents & sisters that I just shouldn't know. She was up and down with us all though, we were either "in" with her or we were "out" and nobody ever stayed in or out, always revolving. Looking back it's crazy to see the dynamic but when your in it and it's your normal, you just feel sorry for your mum and want to fix it for her. She encouraged all of us to go NC with our dads and family's, fall out with friends ect.

As a child it made me a people pleaser and unfortunetly it made me think that sort of behaviour was love. I ended up in a really unhealthy DV relationship and I do feel the way I was raised played a part in that

Horrible really because when some terrible things did happen to me as a teen and an adult there was no emotional support from her at all. Yet she sought so much emotional support from me as a teen an and adult

I've had a lot of therapy and done a lot of work on myself. I'm not even really mad at her anymore, overall I just feel sorry for her and I feel sorry for the me who didn't get the parent she needed

I've had a lot of trauma in my life and kids no none of it ( aside from the DV, they know I had to leave their dad because he was violent and he's legally not allowed to contact or communicate with any of us ) but their 8 and 10 and of course have been curious about their dad over the years

Having the childhood I did has made me hypervigilant to any sort of injustice or unfairness and I am very empathetic towards people. I always look at the reason behind why people are acting the way they do, not face value of their behaviour

Because I'm on the out now, she tells awful lies about me. But she's really telling the truth about herself

I sometimes get down thinking how different things could of been but most of the time I feel like everything happens for a reason and that reason was to stop the cycle for my own children and so far I feel like I'm doing okay

Wow, you soun̈d like a very strong and resilient woman who has overcome a lot. I relate to the being encouraged to cut people off thing. I agree that everything happens for a reason and agree that I'm a more insightful person than most because I was practically trained in psychoanalysis as a child!

This!! I feel so seen - my mum is exactly the same. She often finds a way to make the problem my fault instead of just empathising or listening. I also find the conversation so clunky and awkward unless we are talking about her. If the conversation turns to me, she often doesn’t know how to respond other than “that’s nice” or “lovely” - there are no follow up questions or interest shown, but she will talk at length about her problems or her friend’s lives.

Absolutely!!! And sometimes i will fill her in about something and she will screw up her face and say 'sounds complicated' but really she can't be bothered to pay attention to the story because she isn't interested. If I have a problem she will find a way to blame me for it, especially if it involves me doing anything differently to her. It always feels like 'well, that's what you get for...'. But if I ask her to tell me something about herself or someone else, she is actually a really gifted storyteller who sets the scene and does the voices and is very entertaining. But then goes flat when I mention something about work with an 'oh, I haven't heard of that before'.