Were you parentified as a child?

[Thepursuitofnappiness]

If you were, how has it impacted you?

My mother suffered multiple traumas in her life before she had me, and there were many upsetting ongoing circumstances in her life when I was a child.

Basically, she used me as her therapist and told me all of her problems, starting around aged 9. It revolved around her problems, people who had hurt her, memories from her traumas and then frequently criticising practically she everybody knew, including my dad. By age 12 I knew the details of two very horrific experiences that she had encountered but I was sworn to absolute secrecy that I must never betray her and tell anyone. I always gave mature advice, even as a child and she would praise my maturity and wisdom, which I loved. I constantly felt extreme rage about the people who had hurt her and immense frustration about all these many many situations where people hurt her and she let them get away with it. I know now that it's easier said than done, but I couldn't process this.

My kids are now 9 and 12 and it absolutely blows my mind to even consider telling them my problems, let alone things that would upset them. I went through my teens utterly miserable and never knew why. I took an overdose at 16 and developed a problem with alcohol and drugs. I've been sober for 15 years and have had therapy through the years. However new things keep popping up at different parts of my marriage or my kids' ages.

I'm just curious really, if anyone can relate to this? If so, what was your experience and how it affect you? I keep thinking I'm over it and realising I'm not.

I'm sorry. I totally know what you mean about your mum not wanting advice or to hear any response that slightly put any blame on her. Mine was the same. And like you, for so long, I felt like I had no idea what I wanted, who I was, what I felt. As a teen I would have boyfriends who would tell me they loved me. I always said 'I love you too' even though I knew I didn't but it was like, I was so confused; I KNEW I didn't love them but let these poor guys believe that we had some big love story and then I would just dump them out of nowhere, when I couldn't handle the fake reality of a relationship that I had created. I was also so desperate for attention and companionship that I said whatever they wanted to hear. I think I'd been conditioned to just be whoever my mum wanted me to be.

I also struggle with very negative feelings about her. I can't look at a photo of her without feeling sick and I hate feeling like this.

I agree. I just need to process some things before I fully forgive because I'm still dealing with a lot of confusion. That is my aim.

Yeah, my dm was a widow. This caused the family to really dysfunction.

She liked to talk to me as l was ‘good at listening’ She frequently told me she wished she was dead.

I think if my df hadn’t died none of this would have happened. She wasn’t a bad woman she just had too much to cope with. She often sulked for days on end when l went out.

Ive had anxiety and depression all my life.

I'm sorry. That sounds very heavy

In fact you are all making me cry this morning.
When you've had a lovely mother it is so hard to hear of others who have not been as "lucky".
I wish you all peace within yourselves and much ❤️

My dad died when I was young and my sister a teen. My mum suffered with complicated grief, my sister blamed her for his death and I was meant to just get on with it. I remember being at church hours after he'd died, hearing them both crying and not doing so myself, thinking someone had to hold things together. My mum found it easier to believe I was totally unaffected than consider otherwise, and anytime anyone suggested otherwise she'd get outraged and, whilst checking with me it was clear that any answer to the negative was unacceptable.

I spent the next few decades making sure not to upset either dm or sister. When I was teen Mother expected company at all times, except for school and other 'acceptable' diversions, but if I was in the house I was meant to be where she was. Spending time alone in my room was unacceptable and worrying. She considered moving to a house with a separate granny flat for me but laughingly agreed I wouldn't be allowed to spend any time in my part other than to sleep.

Any problems I had were glossed over. I was assaulted by someone at church in my 20s. She thought this was a great joke, laughed about it with friends and ensured I was alone with the guy. (Yes, I should have acted better but I was programmed to keep everyone else happy.)

She would very carefully not tell me her problems, but having her hinting was just as bad. She’d refer to things but not directly so I’d assume the worst. And yes, she threatened suicide when I didn’t dance to her tune for once.

I went NC when I realised my dd was going to be treated the same way. She never protected me but I will protect my dd.

Yes, very good in other ways. I could have written that post. It's such a mix of emotions for me.

For context, I grew up on the 60s and 70s. People were less child centered in those days I think.

Do you feel like her never acknowledging it makes it worse for you? I struggle with that. I think if she spoke to me now and gave me more insight I would understand.

I go back to being a kid in school thinking she might of committed suicide while I was in school and then nobody would collect me. That was a recurrent fear and I remember I couldn’t concentrate on my work at all, I think school thought I had a learning disability. I also couldn’t sleep because I would worry she would be gone in the morning.

All this came from my earliest memory where she used to run into the night saying she would throw herself in front of a train. My dad was/ is a good man, I know it was a cry for help for his attention. I remember he called the police once and she was sectioned. This happened a few times and she has never acknowledged it at all!!! She also can be extremely harsh on anyone that shows any sort of emotional weakness. As someone who has struggled so much emotionally her lack of empathy is extra hard to swallow…. It is like an elephant in the room.

Thank you for starting this thread.

I only recently began to understand my childhood experiences in terms of parentification (and I'm not sure they wholly fit this frame).

My father was violent towards my mother and she talked to me and my siblings about it in ways that were not really appropriate. I find it hard to even write that, because of course she was a victim and needed support. I feel that even acknowledging a shred of blame on her part is a failure to support a woman suffering domestic violence.

But this guilt has been partly caused by my mother's character. She always made it clear that her own emotional needs were central, and that any criticism of her at all was somehow destroying and martyring her. Our role was always to validate her, not just in relation to the violence, but in every aspect of her relationships, and of her life in general.

Between my father's explosive anger and her centring of her own emotional needs, we were kind of left out. There was no space, NO space at all, for us to even acknowledge the trauma we felt when we witnesssed violence, or heard her accounts of the violence.

Whole chunks of my childhood are kind of nameless, or even absent, in my memory, because we had zero framework in which to speak of it to one another or ask our parents for help.

There is a horrible tension in me between, on the one hand, the reality of my responsibility to support a victim of violence and, on the other hand, acknowledging her complete failure to attend to the emotional needs of her children in the situation.

I think it has caused massive emotional withdrawal on my part. I don't think I can feel any spontaneous and transparent love for anyone. It is all strangled and contorted and suppressed by a buried horror that we were never allowed to process.

Gosh that made me so sad to think of you as a little girl going through that. So sad. It sounds like your mum had a lot of serious mental health struggles if she was actually sectioned.

I feel like my mum is always very quick to point out my flaws and take offence at things I do or say. I did try to talk to her about this a few years about talk about it backfiring on me! She unleashed every aggression to get me back in line and it really fractured what could have been a fresh start. Many years ago, I had counselling in uni. The counsellor said that mum shouldn't have told me all that stuff. I told mum, and she very aggressively told me that it was either that or suicide. So, deep down, she has an idea but because she sees me as an extension of her, she doesn't see the gravity of it, nor has she any interest in finding out.

My mum was a like this. Used me as her counsellor. She told me all her problems with my dad and turned me against him. Dad would not do this to me so I never got to hear his side at the time. As a result I hated my dad. It was only years later,as an adult that I actually got to know my dad. Mum liked having me on side, teaming up against him. They are happily married still. It wasn't anything major my dad did, just normal arguments I was far too young to hear about.

She still does the same now when she argues with anyone. Eg she argues with her sister, she'll tell the other sisters about how she was wronged to try to get others on her side. Very manipulative person. It's all about her.

She also tells everyone private or personal things. Every work colleague and family member would know when I started my periods for example. I still to this day, do not tell her anything I don't want repeated. I think she enjoyed embarrassing me. We had many rows about this but it seems like she can't stop herself. She loves talking. Loves repeating the same stories to multiple people. Even when she aught to know how boring they are for others. Eg when I phone her she will jump in with a stupid story about a random person I have never met!

I have always had low self esteem and self confidence. I don't know if it's related to my upbringing or not. As an adult, I have boundaries with her and low contact.

God that was long but therapeutic 🤣

Gosh this is so harrowing to read and I can still hear the blame you are putting on yourself on your own shoulders. A woman can be a victim and in a position where her child gets hurt due to something she did. My own mother was a victim of many atrocious things so i completely get the internal mess and the child inside you whispering 'but what about me?'. I completely get it and so much has to be ironed out in our heads because the roles were all messed up and we were having to do so much emotional gymnastics to just keep the status quo as much as we could. Then you grow up and realise that your emotions were fed on, they were used up on someone who should have been filling your cup and meeting you in your childlike neediness. I get it. It's so confusing and awful. You were a double victim.

Am so glad you found it therapeutic! It's useful to just get it out there. Slagging family members off and never getting the other person's side was just the norm for me too. I honestly cannot imagine ever telling my kids about something their dad did that annoyed me! Like that would never cross my mind because I DONT want to colour their view of him or do anything to impact their good relationship.

Yes, thanks for starting this thread!
I think it's when you have your own children that you realise how poorly your mum behaved. Agree, it would never even occur to me to do this to my children. Seems so unnatural to treat your kids like this. My dm is also a hypocrite. She told me recently my sister complaining about her husband was so negative and draining for her to have to listen to. Zero self awareness.

Me too. My mum talks about her 'deep emotional maturity' and 'positive nature' when I think she is very immature and incredibly negative. She has an image of herself which I think is more like me (I have emotional maturity and am a positive person, I say with confidence). Yet she has described me in the past usual untruthful words which actually better fit her. It's infuriating

My mother expected me to prioritise her emotions, to keep her happy at all times. I was never ill or unhappy - I wasn't allowed to be because it would freak her out.

One of my memories is of when I was 5 and I got severe tooth ache but I didn't tell her. She found me sobbing in the toilet at midnight and I kept saying "please don't be angry". It turned out to be an access in my gums and the dentist couldn't believe I hadn't said anything sooner.

She didn't confide in me as such, but I spent my whole childhood warily trying to keep her happy.

She would go into huge sulks for days at a time, and wouldn't speak to any of us. Usually I had no idea what caused it.

My dad worked away from home for a month at a time, then home for two weeks, and she was just the same with me whatever. He was a very quiet, self contained man and probably no use emotionally. I am sure he was on the autistic spectrum. He didn't seem remotely affected by her sulks, whereas I found them deeply distressing.

Of course I ended up a real people pleaser....

There seems to be a link between parents who parentify and giving the silent treatment. I wonder why? Poor you, a little girl hiding her pain so her mum wouldn't be angry. That's so sad.

Hi OP

I’m sorry to read that you had to endure this. It was really out of order of your mother to use you in that way! I don’t have the same experience directly, however I feel utter frustration at the way my mother behaved when I was a child for different reasons. Mine had a nice upbringing but went with all the ‘wrong-und’ (men) and ended up in abusive relationships and having 3 kids with those bastards - me being one of them.

She ended up an alcoholic and was pissed every day I came home from school and like you, 9/10 would be the age I can remember it. She then died when I had barely turned an adult, because she smoked like a chimney. This is where I can relate, I have children who are teens I look at them and think why the fuck were you so selfish. I could never put that stress on them so I think when you have kids the same age you (we) were, you think more about how shitty their behaviour was. I realise I sound angry and that’s right, if she walked in to this room right now I would give her a piece of my mind for making shitty choices and it impacting all of her children negatively.

Sorry for the rant

Also, to add, I have read up a lot about narcissistic mothers, so I understand a lot more about her now.

She had to make everything about her. I was simply a prop in her life. I had to do the things she found reflected back well to her. When I had problems she didnt notice/care. She did nothing to help me.

As a young child I was forced to take piano lessons even though I hated it and was hopeless. I wanted to do dance or horse riding but she wasn't interested in either so she wouldn't let me.

She would act the martyr all the time. No one could remotely criticise her or she would be deeply upset - very defensive too.

I know her mother was probably the same and she learned it all from her. My great grandmother sounds similar too.

Thankfully I did the work so it stopped with my mum.

Btw one of the common traits of a narcissistic mother i read about in one of the books was how they often chat innapropriately to waiting staff in restaurants and omg this was my mother to a T. It was deeply embarrassing. And she did it always. Jokes, questions, banter. Has to be in that person's sight.

Yes, I had the burden of knowing too much and parenting a parent, as well as the joy of parenting younger siblings.

It has a lifelong impact as it fundamentally shapes who you are.

In my life now it makes me overthink to the point where I get stuck and have no idea what to do or panic that I have made the wrong choice. I also spent so many years putting others feelings and wellbeing before my own. It can be quite crippling. Relationship with said parent is ok now, there were a few very rocky years where I just had to step away.

My mum is dead now but for about 40 odd years i basically told her absolutely nothing of any note and she honestly didn't even notice. I moved away so it was phone calls and visits, but I always kept everything on the most superficial level possible. And she was perfectly happy with that.

When I adopted (classic rescuer move), she turned all her attention to the girls. She was a good grandmother and it pains me that they all had such nice relationships compared to the one I had with her. Of course the girls weren't biologically mine so I think she was able to treat them in a less possessive way if that makes sense.

My father's mother was vile to my mum when I was a child. She didn't want her precious eldest son to leave her and I can understand that because my father's father was vile too, to his children and no doubt his wife.

From the age of 7 or 8, I was aware that my mother's mental health was affected badly by my father's parents. We had hidden in our house when they called in so as not to see them when my father wasn't there and gone the long way round to avoid them seeing us when they were parked in town. I was also angry that my father was always at his father's beck and call (they lived on a farm and I remember my father.for ever disappearing in the evening to "do the hay and the corn". My mother and I refer to that time as doing the "bloody hay and the bloody corn"). There were lots of other things too and my grandfather just took it for granted that my father would be a dutiful son and do what was required without a word of thanks or acknowledgement. My father just accepted this treatment of him and my mother and it took me a long time to work out that it was because he adored his mother and didn't want to prejudice that relationship. It also meant that he never challenged my grandparents for always forgetting my birthday and never giving me a Christmas present (although bizarrely they would come round to see my other Christmas presents.)

I realise this is ridiculously long and I've barely started.. It is a saga of gargantuan proportions with lots of aunts, uncles and cousins and assorted bad behaviour. It still affects me badly today. I envy people who grew up in nice, normal families. My dad sounds like a wimp but he wasn't. His mother gave him a great deal of love and security and that's why he put up with so much for such a long time. My mother and I adored him - still do even though he died last year.

Thank you for reading if you've got this far.

"Btw one of the common traits of a narcissistic mother i read about in one of the books was how they often chat innapropriately to waiting staff in restaurants and omg this was my mother to a T. It was deeply embarrassing. And she did it always. Jokes, questions, banter. Has to be in that person's sight."

OMG YES, @Arran2024 ! If you have a moment, could you share which book you saw that in? I used to be so mortified when my mother did this, but I could never figure out why it bothered me so much. I didn't know it was a narcissistic (mother) thing.

I'm reminded of reading - in a Margaret Forster novel? - of a young girl whose mum does this too, and the girl squirms and wants to tell the shop lady 'She's not like that with us! She's not like that indoors!'

This is so recognisable, with care staff too. I had an experience recently where I went with DM to an hospital appointment and she said to the consultant 'we are just all so very close as a family, we couldn't be apart' and the Dr made this eye contact with me and I have never felt so seen. It was like she just knew.

Oh god that has unlocked a memory of her coming home late and drunk and into my room which I was sharing with my grandma who was babysitting (she had really bad dementia so really I was babysitting her) and hysterically crying to my grandma (her mum) about some row she'd had and some in law being horrible to her at a family party they had been at. Her and my dad seemed to think I was deaf or something and couldn't hear them arguing/fighting or having sex. Sorry didn;t mean to try and top trump your traumatic experience x