Were you parentified as a child?

[Thepursuitofnappiness]

If you were, how has it impacted you?

My mother suffered multiple traumas in her life before she had me, and there were many upsetting ongoing circumstances in her life when I was a child.

Basically, she used me as her therapist and told me all of her problems, starting around aged 9. It revolved around her problems, people who had hurt her, memories from her traumas and then frequently criticising practically she everybody knew, including my dad. By age 12 I knew the details of two very horrific experiences that she had encountered but I was sworn to absolute secrecy that I must never betray her and tell anyone. I always gave mature advice, even as a child and she would praise my maturity and wisdom, which I loved. I constantly felt extreme rage about the people who had hurt her and immense frustration about all these many many situations where people hurt her and she let them get away with it. I know now that it's easier said than done, but I couldn't process this.

My kids are now 9 and 12 and it absolutely blows my mind to even consider telling them my problems, let alone things that would upset them. I went through my teens utterly miserable and never knew why. I took an overdose at 16 and developed a problem with alcohol and drugs. I've been sober for 15 years and have had therapy through the years. However new things keep popping up at different parts of my marriage or my kids' ages.

I'm just curious really, if anyone can relate to this? If so, what was your experience and how it affect you? I keep thinking I'm over it and realising I'm not.

I relate to this. I haven't posted here about my own childhood experiences because they closely mirror so many others. But I do feel that I'm able to see the "grey" areas which basically make up so much of life in general. I'm also very intuitive and can read a room or an individual's mood quite easily - even people I barely know.

My brother and I often laugh about the way my mum just says “oh” in response to what we say and then starts spinning the yarn about her friends - sometimes you have to laugh or you’ll cry!
Thanks for making this thread, it has been interesting to read other people’s experiences.

Also ran away at 16 and went wild, absolute bait for older and abusive men, loads of drugs loads of sex, some issues with alcohol, lifelong issues with relationships of all kinds , also neurodivergent, late diagnosis and wonder if both my parents might have been too,
although it doesn’t excuse the horrors of big their child. They met young, split young, it was violent and messy.
as someone mentioned up thread, I also remember my mum having inappropriate ‘crushes’ / obsessions, often very public, for example in the church, with someone else’s husband, and other unobtainable people, even as a young child I found this humiliating

She’s done a lot of reflection in the years between then and now. Her circumstances are the polar opposite to what they were when I was growing up and she now lives a much happier life. I know if my mum could go back in time and change things she absolutely would. I’ve forgiven her, largely because I believe she did her best and she didn’t mean to cause my any harm.

That's great. None of us are perfect and we all want to do our best. I think for my mum, the trauma changed her personality and my therapist said it probably even altered her brain development. I certainly do feel like she is stuck at around 13 or 14 in many ways. Anyway, I think my mum is too damaged to look back retrospectively and regret it. She cannot even go there.

Something else I noticed in my twenties was that I remember frequently goggling depersonalization. I constantly felt like life wasn't real and I wasn't connected to my person. I wasn't having psychosis or anything but I constantly had a weird dizzy, light headed feeling that I wasn't in my body. It went away when I got married, strangely.

My dm treated me as her confidant from about the age of 9. I loved our chats, and she praised my maturity and that just built in to my identity. I felt like the favourite dc because my older dsis was a nightmare through puberty and my younger was still a toddler.

I’ve been under her spell for years. I was in my 40s before I stopped hearing every word out of her mouth as gospel truth. Despite being highly educated in critical analysis. She had a very difficult relationship with my df who was autistic and confided all this to me. I’m also autistic and share a lot of his difficulties and this has really screwed with my self identity.

Added to this, I was hugely protective of my younger dsis and tried to compensate for some of what was lacking and wrong in our home, without being able to articulate that because it was my normal.

It scares me that aspects of this have transferred to my dc. My dd is very perceptive and sometimes sees small issues between myself and dh - when he’s done something small that annoys me or hurts my feelings, something I should just speak up about (because he’s a perfectly decent person) but don’t because of the instinctual patterns I learned young about keeping the peace. But I see her notice, like I did, and then she tries to mediate between us or sympathise with me and it feels dangerously similar.

As a teen I was groomed by a man in his 50s who also liked to confide, thought I was very mature, could handle adult topics etc …. I think that my relationship with my dm set me up to be vulnerable to this predator. He didn’t get anywhere with my bff who could see that he was inappropriate and a bit weird. Fortunately our closeness meant that I eventually confided in my dm. But still.

She still does unloads on me and I struggle to put boundaries in place, even now. I’ve encouraged her to get a therapist, or to talk to friends her own age but she’s insistent that no one would understand. Sometimes I just turn the volume down on the phone, and let her talk without actually listening because I can hear by the tone of her voice when we get back to normal topics.

I relate to a lot of what you said about the spell. I also felt like I was brainwashed to believe everything my mother told me, amd she actually felt like the axis around which my world spun. If she was OK, I was OK. Some serious codependency going on. I also worry because one of my kids always seems to be reading mood and asking if I'm OK, and on the surface it sounds nice but I don't like it at all. I'm sorry you were the target of that creep but you're right. Our mothers created these sponges who were desperate for a very niche set of compliments. I actually think my mother thought and still thinks that I am a part of her and not my own person.

I was surprised that when I had kids, I saw them as separate beings to me. I thought they would feel like they belonged to me but they don't. I love them but they are in my care; not my possessions.

Yes, I love the separate-ness of my dc too. And how they are their own unique people with their own thoughts and experiences. They’re pushing away from me as teens, and even though the occasional bouts of criticism or judgement are hard to see, I love that they’re figuring out who they are. It’s like watching a flower blossom albeit one with some thorns, but I have no desire to disrupt that process.

One of the most confusing things for me is that my dm says all the right things. “I really shouldn’t say this to you….he’s your father and it’s only natural that you have your own relationship with him….we shouldn’t talk as often, you’re too dependent on me….” and she congratulates herself on how independent and separate (from her) that we (me and my siblings) all are. Which now I’m typing that makes me doubt whether anything I said in the first paragraph about my dc is even true.

Don't feel like your kids are automatically replicating your responses because you don't share your problems with you kids. Are you with your kid's dad? Because I feel like my husband is the absolute opposite of my mum and had a totally different upbringing. He has a huge influence over my kids which I think, thankfully, mitigate a lot of the risk for me to be manipulative to my kids. Remember too that parents who parentify are generally manipulators, in that they are definitely manipulating the power imbalance for their benefit. Manipulative people know how to mix truth with lies or else they couldn't operate. When your mum tells you about how emotionally separate you are, it doesn't mean it's true. You have a right to evaluate the circumstances about how separate your children are? What is the context? Well, you don't share your problems with them or expect them to be your source of emotional comfort. That removes a huge risk factor. What is the evidence? What in their behaviour makes you feel that they are separate? You support them pulling away from you and accept it as a normal part of individuating.

Through the years, my mum has told me things about myself that aren't true. I know they aren't true because I look at the evidence. I know I'm not a cold, uncaring person because I have lots of loyal friends who have been with me from childhood, and make and keep new friends everywhere I go. They love me and tell me why. My husband confirms that I am the opposite of what my mother told me growing up.

Always look for the evidence in long term patterns in your life to discern the truth about yourself. You will soon see that your mother's opinions all fall apart under the scrutiny of how your relationships with other have played out in your life.

I hope that makes sense! Its sloppily written, sorry.

I have had loads of therapy, worked in mental health/counselling (cliche as someone said upthread!) and reading everyone's posts here has still made me cry because I recognise so much of it, the phrases, the responses. Also the being pulled back into it as they age too. It's really hard.

Most recently, what I didn't realise was just how angry I have felt about it all, first time I have got to this later of myself I think, even in my forties. Two things that happened - I finally bought a house, I worked so hard for and was so excited about. I sent the rightmove link to my mum when the offer was accepted and got back '🤮 what disgusting decoration, you're going to have to redecorate throughout, best to choose a different house'. Who says that to someone?? Let alone someone you are supposed to love. I realised it was because she was jealous and also because it wasn't to her taste, and how dare I choose something different. The second thing was how much I second guess myself now my DC is an adult, and I try to not be any of the things as a parent that I experienced. I'd rather just be myself, but I realise I still don't know entirely who that is, but I'm getting there.

Unmumsnetty hugs to you all.

Yes. Took me along on a date with her lover. I was fully involved in keeping the affair secret from my DF. Me and DSIS were treated like adult friends, really uncomfortable talk of sex...
Then talk of committing suicide, by both parents, more than once. All before I was 14. Started around 5 or 6
It was my normal.

It's funny that you say that. My mum is also very negative and disparaging about a lot of what I tell her. When she is being nice I can tell she is making an effort to hold back. I wonder is there a link between parents who parentify and how they talk to their children like crap. Do they just not see us as people? I can't even remember all of the comments where I think 'who even says that?' I'm frequently floored by how negative she is. I was telling her how close my team in work is, how we are good friends as well as colleagues and how we were planning a weekend away for one of their birthdays. Again she screwed up her face and said 'sounds incestuous'.

I also have fits of anger when I remember something new and also annoyance that she thinks she did a great job and wouldn't understand how inappropriate her over sharing was.

I'm so sorry you've been through the same but feel very validated in this thread.

Gosh that's terrible. What a thing to have to conceal! I'm sorry

Gosh that's terrible. What a thing to have to conceal! I'm sorry

Ok everyone, what about the secrecy? How did that affect you? Being told to keep secrets and the anxiety of being dumped ok but then having no way to process the emotions. Just burying everything down and reliving every mental picture over and over again.

Also, I used to get so angry about friends whose parents were very protective of them, who didn't let them watch certain shows or have certain toys that weren't age appropriate. I was allowed to watch what I wanted and even that left mental pictures I can never erase. I felt like those kida were such absolute losers and their parents were such stickinthemuds. Like so resentful. I now realise it was jealousy. It just all feels so messed up.

Yes, the stress if keeping secrets, my DF never forgave me, even though I was a child.
Also very let down by other adults in the wider family. Unfortunately my grandparents all died when I was young, so no protection there.

I spent a lot of time at my best friends house, so realised then we were not a normal family.

I feel very resentful. I was in full time work at 16, paid my board at home, left when still a teenager.

I left home at 17 too, I wonder if that is a common outcome?

Yes my mum over-shared with me the awful abuse my dad did to her, including basically stalking her into marrying him. It was horrible growing up knowing the way they met was so awful. I don’t know how it’s affected me but i was never particularly close to her. I’ve grown up ok, but my brothers were very impacted by the abuse.

I'm sorry you had to carry that burden, and what a burden it was. We're your parents ok or even 'good' in other ways? My mum had a lot of strong points such as how she cared for me when I was sick, or how special she made Christmas and birthdays and how she was always buying me little treats that she knew I would like and putting them under my pillow to surprise me at night. She wasn't totally a 'bad' mother. I still want my mum when I'm sick because I remember how nicely she would look after me. I also replicate a lot of her Christmas traditions because they were so magical. I did feel loved as a child but looking back, I was also used and it's such a painful disconnect. And confusing.

When I went to uni I never wanted to go home at the weekends like the other girls did. That caused a big blow up too.

Yes my DM did it to me.

Emotionally and physically she couldn't do anything on her own. She would rant about slights from people I barely knew all her life. But she didn't want advice, she just wanted to rant. If I responded in anyway that wasn't soothing she would scream or storm off. She always made a big deal out of anything she did (like buying tiny bits of groceries) and how she was at home for me (when she wasn't at home when I got home from school). She never listened and I couldn't confide or tell her anything because she would tell everyone or anyone as gossip. Some of the most hurtful things that happened to me were used as gossip and for attention.

With my two even though they are adults I will give them some money or dinner out, my DM expected me to give her money. Even when she had plenty of money after her and my DF divorced and I had none.

It made me anxious and a people pleaser. It made me think my feelings, wants and needs weren't valid. It made me feel less than and alone. Most of all as I aged it made me hate her.

I think you are right, they just don't see us as separate people, it's enmeshment. So if we choose something different then it challenges that and they feel threatened. Some of the things said I wouldn't even say to an random person on the street.

Oh the feelings of annoyance that they also think they did an excellent job! It's gaslighting at its finest.

In some ways yes, my mum was always complaining about my father in a way she should have done to a close friend because it coloured my view of him, I wasn't able to resolve this for myself because he died suddenly.

But unfortunately our parents are just people - they're imperfect much like we are with our own children. I think you have to forgive them unless they have inflicted proper nasty abuse.

That last bit teared me up a bit x
🫂