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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband put me on trial

136 replies

lisa299 · 20/09/2025 14:39

We live with the in-laws and going to move out soon with my husband and we had a random conversation and there he said ‘when we move out I’m gonna buy cheap furniture in the beginning in case we don’t work out’. Meaning his gonna see how we’re gonna get along together without a 3rd person around and test if we will last and then his gonna invest. We’ve been together for 3 years and had ups and downs and sometimes our downs were due to 3rd person’s but again it was mainly his attitude towards me that fuelled my energy and now due to our past his put me on a trial and his been thinking about this for a while now and I don’t know how I feel anymore. Like how do I react to this, I feel unsafe etc all these negative feelings. Then he comes and tries to say don’t worry we’re good now, I love you etc but I somehow feel broken and he doesn’t understand this. I can’t interpret my feelings. Please helpppppp

OP posts:
TheHillIsMine · 20/09/2025 18:40

lisa299 · 20/09/2025 15:46

Theres so many comments girls thank you so much, I just needed clarity. I did apply for jobs but just can’t land any I ain’t got a career… But gonna work it out somehow need to gain my power back!

Did you ever have any power? You're married, you kind of expect it to work out..

NimbleDreamer · 20/09/2025 18:58

Househassles · 20/09/2025 16:18

Is there some reason the two of you got married while he still had so many questions about whether the relationship would work out? Or did something happen AFTER you two married that suddenly made it seem like things wouldn't last? This might be relevant context if you want to understand his comment and his attitude, because it's the kind of thing someone might say early on in a relationship but it's very weird after marriage unless there's been. separation or serious break in trust. If "marriage" was so important that it had to happen before or you were both sure things would work out, then his easy attitude toward not working out and breaking up doesn't make sense.

I'm guessing this was an arranged marriage where they barely knew each other before marrying.

Original poster
lisa299 · 20/09/2025 19:32

Just to make things clear, both me and my husband were born in the UK, we did date but I guess that wasn’t enough to give me information about him because we mainly linked outside or spoke through ft etc for over a year. As a friend, as a son, as a human being he is actually really nice, you can count on him if you need help butttt, relationship is very difficult. He is self centred and wants things his way and I want things my way too therefore we did previously worked out our problems together and the fact that he always sits and explains himself to me shows that he wants this marriage. HOWEVER, I also sense that if things take a bad turn and I become difficult then he is not hesitant to cut any ties. I don’t have a child with him but previously when we spoke about having children and how I felt insecure in this marriage kinda sparked a new convo. It was about having the custody of the child and it seemed like he didn’t have a preference over who gets the child in a situation like that. Due to our culture, its more difficult for a widow especially with a child to get remarried again so he said he’ll keep the child or if I really wanted to keep the child and found someone that would voluntarily become the new dad then he doesn’t mind giving me the full custody under the terms that he doesn’t see him again. Like I posted this thread as one of our basic convos in a day about our relationship however we have many different examples and I don’t quite understand where I fit because the conversation is always like, we’re not gonna divorce, I love you hence I’m trying and all this bubbly sentences that make me feel safe but then it takes him one word to shutter the trust again like putting me on trial or giving up on his child if he had one so we can both happily move on etc.

OP posts:
NimbleDreamer · 20/09/2025 19:52

lisa299 · 20/09/2025 19:32

Just to make things clear, both me and my husband were born in the UK, we did date but I guess that wasn’t enough to give me information about him because we mainly linked outside or spoke through ft etc for over a year. As a friend, as a son, as a human being he is actually really nice, you can count on him if you need help butttt, relationship is very difficult. He is self centred and wants things his way and I want things my way too therefore we did previously worked out our problems together and the fact that he always sits and explains himself to me shows that he wants this marriage. HOWEVER, I also sense that if things take a bad turn and I become difficult then he is not hesitant to cut any ties. I don’t have a child with him but previously when we spoke about having children and how I felt insecure in this marriage kinda sparked a new convo. It was about having the custody of the child and it seemed like he didn’t have a preference over who gets the child in a situation like that. Due to our culture, its more difficult for a widow especially with a child to get remarried again so he said he’ll keep the child or if I really wanted to keep the child and found someone that would voluntarily become the new dad then he doesn’t mind giving me the full custody under the terms that he doesn’t see him again. Like I posted this thread as one of our basic convos in a day about our relationship however we have many different examples and I don’t quite understand where I fit because the conversation is always like, we’re not gonna divorce, I love you hence I’m trying and all this bubbly sentences that make me feel safe but then it takes him one word to shutter the trust again like putting me on trial or giving up on his child if he had one so we can both happily move on etc.

From what you've said I don't think the issue is cultural. He simply has one foot out of the door already. He's not able to commit fully to this marriage which is why he's already looking at get-out clauses and discussing these with you. That is very alarming to me and suggests that he's not ready to commit to marriage, which considering you are now actually married is very unfortunate.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 20/09/2025 19:56

NimbleDreamer · 20/09/2025 19:52

From what you've said I don't think the issue is cultural. He simply has one foot out of the door already. He's not able to commit fully to this marriage which is why he's already looking at get-out clauses and discussing these with you. That is very alarming to me and suggests that he's not ready to commit to marriage, which considering you are now actually married is very unfortunate.

Show quote history

Quite, and it will be OP's fault as he'll say: I told you you were on trial.

diddl · 20/09/2025 20:03

I agree with the pps.

He doesn't seem to be taking it seriously at all.

Marriages can go wrong.

But you tend to go into it with the attitude of having taken a serious step that you want to last.

It's a legally binding thing that you need to take legal steps to dissolve!

He also sees to have very odd ideas about any children he might have.

Ver uncaring & detached-in fact he seems to be quite that way about you also Op.

Original poster
lisa299 · 20/09/2025 20:15

I think I am done but before I do any moves I just want to make sure I have a job first, and I want to make sure I have no feelings towards him for any regrets

OP posts:
Toesy · 20/09/2025 20:28

You would want to be out of your mind to further ruin your life further with a child.

Get working, get out...while you can.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 20/09/2025 20:32

How on earth have you managed to get a Council house to rent, without already having children ?
They are like gold dust down here and no way would a married couple get one.

Original poster
lisa299 · 20/09/2025 20:40

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 20/09/2025 20:32

How on earth have you managed to get a Council house to rent, without already having children ?
They are like gold dust down here and no way would a married couple get one.

His been on the list for over 10 years and added me under his name plus he has a younger sister so the house is overcrowded

OP posts:
Treesarenotforeating · 20/09/2025 20:43

Run & get your own place

Rosesanddaffs · 20/09/2025 21:07

Toesy · 20/09/2025 20:28

You would want to be out of your mind to further ruin your life further with a child.

Get working, get out...while you can.

100% this

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 20/09/2025 22:12

You need to find a job, you are placing yourself in a very vulnerable position by not doing so, unless you've a massive trust fund.

GarlicPint · 21/09/2025 00:09

Somebody recently advised, on another thread, that you should marry a man who loves you (even) more than you love him. If I'd had this advice long ago, it would have spared me a lot of damage.

The problem you've got here, OP, is a husband who "loves" you in the sense that he likes you, you get on okay, he's attracted to you, yet isn't committed to a relationship with you. He doesn't love you in the way that makes you a central part of his life, a permanent partner, someone he really values, cherishes and protects.

You're worrying about whether you love him enough, but the evidence is that he doesn't love you enough. Maybe he doesn't love the idea of marriage, who knows, but it definitely isn't looking good for you as a wife.

I think the sane thing is to go along with the move for now and make the best of the good parts of your relationship. At the same time, get yourself earning your own money and try to expand your circles so you won't be dependent on people who are locked into concepts of duty that can hold you back.

Next time he pulls the rug from under your feet, agree with him that you can't be sure this will work out so you need to be looking to the future, whatever it holds. Strangely, he might find this reassuring. If he doesn't, you're no worse off than at present!

When are you due to move house?

MooDengOfThailand · 21/09/2025 02:11

Where do women find these losers?

I would be telling him he's being divorced.

Fruitlips · 21/09/2025 06:06

MooDengOfThailand · 21/09/2025 02:11

Where do women find these losers?

I would be telling him he's being divorced.

After the OP has got herself a job and somewhere to say that isn’t his parents

Fruitlips · 21/09/2025 06:07

lisa299 · 20/09/2025 20:40

His been on the list for over 10 years and added me under his name plus he has a younger sister so the house is overcrowded

Show quote history

come again?

an adult man in full employment with full capacity is going to get a council house?

Why can’t he private rent??

autienotnaughty · 21/09/2025 06:24

Fruitlips · 20/09/2025 14:50

* and sometimes our downs were due to 3rd person’s but again it was mainly his attitude towards me that fuelled my energy and now due to our past his put me on a trial and his been thinking about this for a while now and I don’t know how I feel anymore.*

nicely worded to skirt around fact you cheated on him. At least once.

Edited

I assumed 3rd person referred to in-laws

Catsknowbest · 21/09/2025 07:43

I'm in social housing. I work full time and my husband doesn't, disabled veteran. No children at home. It does happen..

Fruitlips · 21/09/2025 07:45

Catsknowbest · 21/09/2025 07:43

I'm in social housing. I work full time and my husband doesn't, disabled veteran. No children at home. It does happen..

so one of you had a serious and debilitating health condition

Catsknowbest · 21/09/2025 07:54

Yes, totally. Just wanted to make the point that it does happen when people say 'married couple without children no way'. Find it too much of a generalisation

Fruitlips · 21/09/2025 07:56

Catsknowbest · 21/09/2025 07:54

Yes, totally. Just wanted to make the point that it does happen when people say 'married couple without children no way'. Find it too much of a generalisation

but this isn’t a married couple on the list

HE put his name down. It is just him.

Catsknowbest · 21/09/2025 07:57

I thought I read they were married and he added her to his housing application after he had been on the list for ten years?

Fruitlips · 21/09/2025 08:00

Catsknowbest · 21/09/2025 07:57

I thought I read they were married and he added her to his housing application after he had been on the list for ten years?

Ah correct

but no health conditions.

so this is a couple, one in full time employment, and no health conditions. And they’re getting a council property. Unfathomable. Just private rent FFS

Catsknowbest · 21/09/2025 08:08

Mm yes see your point 👍