Husband put me on trial

[lisa299]

We live with the in-laws and going to move out soon with my husband and we had a random conversation and there he said ‘when we move out I’m gonna buy cheap furniture in the beginning in case we don’t work out’. Meaning his gonna see how we’re gonna get along together without a 3rd person around and test if we will last and then his gonna invest. We’ve been together for 3 years and had ups and downs and sometimes our downs were due to 3rd person’s but again it was mainly his attitude towards me that fuelled my energy and now due to our past his put me on a trial and his been thinking about this for a while now and I don’t know how I feel anymore. Like how do I react to this, I feel unsafe etc all these negative feelings. Then he comes and tries to say don’t worry we’re good now, I love you etc but I somehow feel broken and he doesn’t understand this. I can’t interpret my feelings. Please helpppppp

Would you agree to signing over the tenancy to a partner with whom you’re not in a happy relationship with?

Like what I’m tryna figure out is that am I making a big deal for suddenly feeling cold towards him, he could’ve used another excuse instead of the furniture to point out that our relationship is not strong. If he’s feeling like this then is there a point of me trying, because he want to see me try I guess.

@lisa299 in your July post you said you’d been married six years with a 3yo DD and you paid all the rent. If you want advice you’re going to have to give us the full picture.

Yes, I saw that but I’m on warning not to refer to past (relevant!!) threads

That was a post for my sister

Get a job so you can split the costs and get better furniture? Just a thought..

“The problem is the is word trial”

Did he say you are “on trial”? Or did he say “we’ll do a trial run” or “trial it”. All a bit different and context is everything

Except you also said you don’t have family. OK I’m out.

That I am on trial

Isn't doing a trial run after marriage rather like closing the proverbial stable door?

Are from a SE Asian culture? And you've been living with your MIL? Sorry if I'm wrong but trying to make sense of your situation as you sound very passive.

yes that’s exactly what I’m looking for, I just can’t explain my feelings and put them into words

Yes..

He's telling you he's not committed to the marriage. He views it as temporary, perhaps as a means to getting a house.

It sounds like you're asking how to change his attitude - but you can't, really. The only sensible thing for you now is to proceed as if you're both in a temporary marriage. Stop trying to change him, treat moving into your new place as a shared adventure, enjoy your relationship for what it is. Don't get pregnant.

Get a job, save up, have a civilised divorce in a couple of years, move into a place of your own.

I'm sorry for what must have been a huge blow when he said this. You do seem to have been letting other people run your life: time to take the reins for yourself!

Could you work? To give yourself some financial independence. Why are you getting a council house as opposed to renting/mortgage etc? Both factors in you having some say

Seems like there are quite a few issues - but underpinning them all is a distorted power balance/equation. No one - even a friend - should be putting another on "trial". Not a great basis for a relationship. Any reason you don't work? Earning a living can be empowering and a great equalizer.

Do you have children or are you planning on having any in the near future?

Fo you love him?

Why don’t you work?

I think in your culture it may be difficult to strike out alone or counter this.

Will it be possible for you to get a job? Do you think he will be different once you are in your own place? (possibly being influenced, or performing for his parents?)

Won’t be long I suspect before he has a girlfriend outside of the marriage. With children. That’s his escape/back up plan

@lisa299, are you legally married (registry)?

Can you get a job?
treat the move like he is on trial too?
build up some savings out of his reach (my mum had a post office account which did not email nor post letters). And then at some point you could move out if this marriage is not working out for you.

take some control.

Where’s the money going to come from to buy expensive furniture if you’re not working and you both live with in laws?

Why has he got all the power? Put him on bloody trial - for five minutes. Ooooh, looks like he’s not passed the test.

Make plans to leave and get your own independence.