Husband put me on trial

[lisa299]

We live with the in-laws and going to move out soon with my husband and we had a random conversation and there he said ‘when we move out I’m gonna buy cheap furniture in the beginning in case we don’t work out’. Meaning his gonna see how we’re gonna get along together without a 3rd person around and test if we will last and then his gonna invest. We’ve been together for 3 years and had ups and downs and sometimes our downs were due to 3rd person’s but again it was mainly his attitude towards me that fuelled my energy and now due to our past his put me on a trial and his been thinking about this for a while now and I don’t know how I feel anymore. Like how do I react to this, I feel unsafe etc all these negative feelings. Then he comes and tries to say don’t worry we’re good now, I love you etc but I somehow feel broken and he doesn’t understand this. I can’t interpret my feelings. Please helpppppp

This sounds like a disaster of a marriage. Neither of you seem to like each other much. I’m surprised that you are going to get a council house. Not having children I would think you would be quite far down the list.

Make sure your contraception is water tight and make plans to leave, neither of you are happy

He's a cunt, get yourself out of it!

Rum! He's made it very clear where his loyalty lies.... Wants to go back to mummy to pay for everything, my ex was the same and every little thing I have (not much) I've paid for myself

Such angry responses from @Fruitlips

Which is why I also said: "The issue you have here is that you've married without knowing if you are compatible."

He sounds fairly pragmatic tbh. For whatever reason they've married without seeing if they're compatible first. That sounds like madness, quite frankly.

The sensible option would have been to have a trial period before they got married. For whatever reason, they didn't do that. If they really have a miserable time living together and find they're just not compatible, at least he's open to the idea of separating rather than insisting they stay together and remain unhappy.

And it's not about the OP being on trial - he is on trial just as much as she is.

I’d wager they have a child
well in the thread that the op started on behalf of her sister, she had a child

and council housing for a childless couple with one adult in full time employment? 🤔

In that case all marriages are really ‘trials’ they work until they don’t and then they end, there is no guarantee of a ‘permanent’ marriage

Are you living in the UK? Do you live a traditional asian lifestyle or more western?
I could sense right away you were from a different culture to a lot of the people on here so I'm not sure A lot of the advice would be appropriate if you live a different kind of lifestyle, we instantly shout 'divorce/cunt/abusive' etc but I fully understand that isn't how relationships work in other cultures.
From my perspective your marriage doesn't sound good and you should take steps to leave but that's your decision. Do you truly love him?

ehhhmm - the ‘in case we don’t work out’ phase started the minute those words tripped carelessly from his lips. This clown thinks he owns you. In his mind , at the moment you’re cheap, just like the furniture he proposes investing in before he decides to invest in you. You are fu#*#ng PRICELESS compared to him! Make emergency arrangements for accommodation and keeping your stuff safe. Start walking and start living. Now. Deep breath. Do it.

It is clear to me that OP is of asian heritage, most likely the asian subcontinent. I was born in the UK but am of a similar heritage and recognise the culture clash here.

OP's family wouldn't accept her living with a man out of wedlock. I also have a feeling it was probably an arranged marriage and she was probably brought over to the UK on a spousal visa. The in laws were overbearing and controlling. etc. He got married just so his mum would stop going on about it but mum wanted a maid not a DIL...A lot of assumptions there, I know but I've seen it all before a thousand times over, unfortunately.

OP regardless of what happens in the marriage, you need a job.

Does the council know you and H live with his parents ? They're normally very reluctant to house people in this situation as people have often been on their waiting lists for years .

Her use of English doesn’t make it seem like it is her second language, also she seems shocked by this ‘trial’ surely if she was from an Asian background and familiar with arranged marriages this wouldn’t shock her

Agree she needs to get a job and think carefully before having children with this man

Get a job, find your power, stop being dependant on him and do it as soon as possible.

It is clear to me that OP is of asian heritage,

Op has clarified that.

But if it's not possible to live together first then it's not possible to have a "trial" & he shouldn't be talking about it.

It sounds as if he is trying to threaten Op into doing as he wants.

Which may or may not be a threat depending on how easily she could leave & support herself.

I wouldn’t view it like that, no.

I think this is different because they’ve never lived together before. OP hasn’t told us why but I’m guessing it’s for cultural reasons.

If you’ve co-habited then you pretty much know what you’re getting. That isn’t the case here.

I think he’s tactless but honest.

The insistence on “cheap furniture” is a bit weird though. I wonder if there are already signs that the relationship might not work?

Either way the OP is really vulnerable without her own money. And she needs to consider if she’s happy with someone who doesn’t seem to take her opinion into account when making decisions about their household.

I agree that OP is likely British born. It could be the other way round, or with a British born husband but just with S Asian cultural values. How many of us genuinely know exactly what we are getting into when we marry? I don’t think this particular dynamic is particularly uncommon either, with a new(ish) wife from an arranged marriage or an introduction, or a Western marriage, feeling trapped. OP, is it possible for you to get a job? It would give you more freedom than you currently have.

Would you risk being tied financially to a rental contract if you were thinking that the relationship probably wouldn't last?

If you feel insecure in the relationship and he is doing nothing to reassure you, do you think you really want to live with him? You could use this is a break and move back closer to your family?

NRTFT
if not already mentioned, this comment is abusive, emotionally and coercive.
He wants you walking on eggshells and playing sweet.
Be aware, know your rights, stay strong.

No.

But he’s in a heck of a stronger position that the op given he earns money and the op… doesn’t

You advised the op to do something that is patently not going to fly

@lisa299 been there, done that, spent most of my marriage on trial with arsehole ex-husband.

Does he even want to move out?

It transpired many years later that my ex-husband did not want to move out and I was punished for “making” him move.

When the penny finally dropped for me it all made sense and I walked out.

@lisa299 so are you or are you not married? do you have or do you not have a child with said man??? why would you move in with his parents, whether or not you are married to him???

It’s traditional and very common in some cultures