To feel insulted or not?

[Blueberrybrie007]

My parents have talked about their will recently. I would rather they didn't, as I don't want to think about that time and hope it's many years down the line.

They have said they plan to leave the majority to the grandchildren. I have one surviving child and my brother has five children. My brother doesn't bother with us and hasn't for a very long time. I see my parents regularly.

Their estate is approx £1.1m and they said they plan to leave me and my brother £30k each out if that, with the rest going to the grandchildren.

I think it's lovely as some of the grandchildren are getting older, so it will help them get their first property or definitely give them a good start in life.
I still have a mortgage on my house, but the grandchildren will not necessarily need to have that worry as such.

Their friends are aware of it and so part of me is unsure how they'll perceive it. Was I not good enough in their opinion and so they've decided to skip passing it on to their own children, who in turn would pass it on to our children when we die.

I know friends of mine, their parents have left their inheritance to them, their own children. And so this has left me feeling confused at the moment and questioning if they don't think I'm worthy of it.

I hold down a full time professional job, work hard for what I have and don't go out pissing it up the wall.

My parents are quite toxic and are doing something similar. Usually this sort of behaviour is power-play. In my case, it’s an attempt to control me after they’ve gone because they don’t like my DP. So it’s a punishment for being with him. I’m an only child who’s close to all my children so the impact on me isn’t as bad as for you I guess. And we all just humour the behaviour.

Don’t make the mistake of thinking you’re not ‘worthy’ of the inheritance. Your parents shortcomings aren’t your fault.

If you and your brother don’t get on, it’s likely to be because your parents haven’t been the best parents.

Totally disagree our parents have done same with same amount for me and my 3 siblings and the rest between the 5 grandchildren which will help them hugely with uni or learning to drive or whatever. We weren't actually expecting anything tbh as we are all successful in our own lives so ye none of us were bothered about the money like you yourself said hopefully that day won't be for a long time anyhow

Is there a reason why your parents might think the grandchildren are in more financial need than their own children?

For example, if some of the grandchildren are neurodiverse (autism, ADHD, dyslexia, epilepsy, etc) or have struggled financially or with mental health problems?

^^ My theory may not apply to all 6 grandchildren, but if it applies to 2 or more of the grandchildren, then perhaps your parents view their decision as helping to make life easier for certain grand kids who they know will struggle?

Do any of the 6 grandchildren already own their own homes?

Whilst it is a slightly unconventional choice your parents have made, you would be unable to challenge it legally. A family member only has a legitimate legal claim if they (a) were the spouse/partner, (b) were a child (inc adult children) living with the parent in the family home for some years before the parent dies, and (c) were to some extent financially dependent on the parent/s ..... and if meeting criteria (b) and (c) can then demonstrate in law that the amount left is inadequate.

You mention that your parents' estate is likely worth £1.1 million.

It might be more fair if your parents divided the estate 8 x ways (equal amounts to you, your brother, and all 6 grandchildren).

If we round down the estate value to £1million for easy maths that would work out as:

£1,000,000 ÷ 8 = £125,000 each

That would be £125,000 for all 6 grandchildren and the 2 x direct children.

^^ The only problem is, to effect this change requires you and your brother being in agreement and having a difficult and awkward conversation with your parents.

The other problem / potential issue your parents may not have considered in deciding that you and your brother only "need" £30K each is that:

● your circumstances (or your brothers) might change
● either of you may become ill or disabled later in life / unable to work / have mental breakdowns / divorce etc

Your parents have decided that you and your brother only "need" £30K now based on your current circumstances and current financial values.

If your parents survive another 20+ years the value of £30K may have severely diminished by 2055, and may only be worth £5K in today's spending terms.

^ Those are all things you could mention to your parents if you are brave enough to have the direct and difficult conversation with them about what is fair and equitable.

It’s actually not usual to do that. The norm is to leave the grandchildren a fun but not life changing amount but the bulk to the children. Only exception is when they are all really elderly and the children so old they don’t have much use for it.

It's a sensitive subject and there's no right or wrong answer. It's more common to leave it to your children than your grandchildren, but in some ways what your parents are doing makes sense. Now that people are living longer, often by the time their children inherit they're already financially secure, whereas the grandchildren are at an age when they are more in need of the money for house deposits etc. It's much harder for young people to get on the property ladder now than it was in our day.

However, in this case because you have one child and your brother has five, that does feel unbalanced. Maybe you feel they're favouring him over you?

I guess it depends on your financial position but i’d always expect inheritance to pass to your own children, and eventually the GC will inherit. Have they had the benefit of an inheritance in their lives? Yes it’s hard for the younger generation but I still think they should give the bulk to their children, and let them decide whether to share with their DC. I can understand why you feel like you do, but ultimately their choice. Hopefully these GC will step up later on when their grandparents need help.

OP, maybe they are doing it to avoid inheritance tax. Financially it is the sensible thing to do.

By giving money direct to the grand children, it reduces the amount you will have to pass on and hence any tax liability. Also, they see you're doing ok, and don't need it. You have a home and a career.

And if they leave it to the dgcs, you will be under less pressure to contribute to your child's house deposit and university costs.

I don’t understand it either, OP. They should leave it to you, and then you in turn will make sure that your own child is provided for!

In general I think it’s a bad idea to disinherit children in favour of grandchildren, because it often leads to upset of exactly the kind you’re feeling, OP.

In this specific case I wonder if they’re looking at the number of grandchildren and realising that if they leave their estate evenly divided between you and your brother, his children will ultimately only inherit a fraction of what your child will receive?

Either way, I wouldn’t think for a moment that it’s any reflection on you or the choices you’ve made in life.

The disparity in number of children makes this even more unfair. The fact your brother has chosen to have 5 children shouldn’t mean you and your child inherit less. If they insist on this they should leave half to your child and the other half between the 5.

That’s why most leave to their own children then it’s up to them to gift on to their own children or not.

I think I would have to tell them I was really upset about that. I think they are probably doing it so they don't have to leave much to their son and they don't want to make it obvious so they're leaving it to the grandchildren, but I would actually be really hurt Myself. I think I would have to tell them and say that you thought you'd always been a good daughter to them and they're showing their feelings for you by leaving five children who have fuck all to do with them a lot more money than they are leaving you. I think if I didn't say something it would eat me up and make me really resentful if I ended up doing care for them for years.

If I were them, I would be mindful of the fact that your DB's children would inheirt a fraction of what your child wouold inherit, eventually of their estate, and I would want to ensure my GC inherited equaly amounts of my estate. So yes, I would want to put something in place to ensure that happened.

I'd make sure my DC understood my reasoning, too.

They've £1.1 million ..that's going to be a lot of inheritance tax.
If they become unable to live at home, care home fees will rip through that.
Unless they're planning on setting up trusts or some dispersal of money now, it is frankly all just talk at this stage of who will get what...

Did your parents inherit from their parents @Blueberrybrie007 ?

How is your relationship with them? Do they often play games?

OP, when you say that 'my brother doesn't bother with us and hasn't for a very long time. I see my parents regularly', does the 'us' include your parents or is it just you and your children that he doesn't bother with?

Because your brother has five children, the split of their estate between the two families is massively in his favour. Has he always been the favourite 'golden' child?

On the face of is, they can argue that it is fair as all the grandchildren get an equal amount as do you and your brother. In reality, your brother's family are definitely the main beneficiaries of your parents' estate. His family will inherit nearly £900,000 and your family will inherit approximately 200,000. That is a massive difference.

Op, I think this is an effort on your parents’ part to divide it all equally. If they only left it all to the children, ie you and your brother, than the grandchildren would have gotten unequal parts, with your child getting more than all the other grandchildren.
It may not be fair your parents leaving you both 30k each, but remember they love you both equally, and your parents will probably think that your brother has a lot on his plate. Remember, parents will always find excuses for their children’s behaviour.

Your parents also must be thinking that you are all set up having a good job and a mortgage, and don’t need the help as much as the grandchildren.

I suggest you told them you were confused about how much you and your brother are actually getting. If you want any changes to the will better you spoke your mind whilst your parents are still alive.

I think on one side you say you think it’s lovely but it’s clear the real issue is you wish it to come to you as you have a mortgage. I don’t think this is about being good enough, but maybe you need to speak to your parents and explain you wish a share.

Thanks all, I agree it could be some form of inheritance tax planning.

I meant that my brother stopped talking to my parents, mostly my mother initially. And has cut himself off altogether, although if I bump into him we do stop to chat a few words, check how he is.

This means it's me they come to if they need anything and so it is highly likely that at some point I will be their carer too. They may even need to move in with me at some point and that's fine with me too, as they're my parents and I love them so want what's best for them. But I clearly couldn't afford to stop working, if or when that point comes.

I could understand it if their estate was split equally between all 8 of us (children and grandchildren). As it stands I'll be getting 2-3% of their estate and so it does seem a bit imbalanced. On the other hand it will be £30k which I haven't earned and will help towards paying part of my mortgage, so I'm very grateful for that.

Given they have cash they wil be able to manage their care in their dotage. .
Be thankful for that imo.

Well, their plan at least means that you don't need to feel any guilt about caring for them if/when that time comes! Let them pay for care OP or let your brother step up.

I came to say this. We have a big mortgage but when my mum died and left me £120k of death benefits from her pension, we varied the will so it would go to my two children (then 18 and 20). It was more tax efficient to do this. They have used some of the money to pay for study abroad year (son in Netherlands, daughter in California), living expenses for their masters degrees and support between uni and getting a job. Daughter has just finished her MA and starts her first job next week. Both are in lower paid graduate jobs (publishing and journalism) in central London so have this as a buffer to help their living costs.

Would I have liked the money to reduce our mortgage or upgrade the car? Yes. Was supporting the children the best thing we could do with mum's money? Also yes.

No it isn't. Two allowances plus the additional allowance for property going to child or grandchildren is £1m so there's only IHT on £100k.

That is very thoughtless of your parents IMHO.

I knew you were going to say you were going to be the cater for them.

its a really shitty thing of them to do

Your parents obviously know that you and your brother are doing well and can support yourselves into old age.
It is very geneorus for them to consider the younger generation who have it much harder in getting into home ownership.
Skipping generations also skips taxes so their accountant might have suggested it.
You can always leave your wealth to your grandchildren too.