To feel insulted or not?

[Blueberrybrie007]

My parents have talked about their will recently. I would rather they didn't, as I don't want to think about that time and hope it's many years down the line.

They have said they plan to leave the majority to the grandchildren. I have one surviving child and my brother has five children. My brother doesn't bother with us and hasn't for a very long time. I see my parents regularly.

Their estate is approx £1.1m and they said they plan to leave me and my brother £30k each out if that, with the rest going to the grandchildren.

I think it's lovely as some of the grandchildren are getting older, so it will help them get their first property or definitely give them a good start in life.
I still have a mortgage on my house, but the grandchildren will not necessarily need to have that worry as such.

Their friends are aware of it and so part of me is unsure how they'll perceive it. Was I not good enough in their opinion and so they've decided to skip passing it on to their own children, who in turn would pass it on to our children when we die.

I know friends of mine, their parents have left their inheritance to them, their own children. And so this has left me feeling confused at the moment and questioning if they don't think I'm worthy of it.

I hold down a full time professional job, work hard for what I have and don't go out pissing it up the wall.

It's shitty of them. A friend is in the same situation, his parents decided to only give to grandchildren. He has one child, his sibling has 3.
In his case it is clear favouritism and comes after years of unfairly favouring his sibling.
He's at a point now where he's past caring but if you feel like you can bring it up then I would.

Maybe, just maybe your parents want to give your child and your brothers children the best start in life.
I would imagine they will put it into a trust, accessible at 18, 21 or older!.
Maybe, that’s how your one of your grandparents acquired some money.
You sound pissed off because your parents are treating you both equally, although your brother is NC and has 5 kids.
What’s he supposed to do? Kill 4 of them off?.
Wills can change and tomorrow isn’t promised, things can happen in the future, which could result in there being nothing left to inherit.
A will is changeable and circumstances may change and in ten years time or when your parents die, you may find out they have done something totally different.
My mother kept telling us she was leaving it to the cats home, as it happened, no will ever materialised!.

My parents don't have a Will but it was always in their mind that their estate would be shared equally between me and db even though db had no dc and I have 4. Db died last year and my parents still have no Will. Two of my 4dc are in their 30s, married with dc and doing very well for themselves. The other two are much younger. I think it would be best to leave their estate to me and I could allocate any monies possibly by a variation. Obviously totally up to them!

They should ensure that they have sorted out their care needs first. It does seem a little unfair on your responsibility to do all the caring work and look after your family as well.

How much is left on your mortgage

I get where they’re coming from as I know some people have left it to their married children…only for the children to go through divorce and lose a great deal of the inheritance in the divorce settlement! By leaving it to their grandkids, I suspect maybe they think the inheritance will be more likely to stay within family to help grandkids as they’re younger? I’d just be grateful for whatever they leave me and happy for all the grandkids! Some elderly parents choose to spend their estate before dying so count yourself lucky!

This means it's me they come to if they need anything and so it is highly likely that at some point I will be their carer too. They may even need to move in with me at some point and that's fine with me too, as they're my parents and I love them so want what's best for them. But I clearly couldn't afford to stop working, if or when that point comes.

When faced with similar a friend just told her parents that she would have to spend her time earning as much as poss and her 2 brothers could do the running after them. (5 children between the brothers, friend has none, hence the expectation she run round after parents)

Cue huge rants from parents about how ungrateful she is (to be getting nothing but possibly the photo albums) and "we'll cut you off". To which, to be fair, one of the brothers pointed out they had already done that.

The net result was bad feeling between daughter/parents. Bad feeling between one of the sibling and my friend. And afaik that was that and she visited them but never ever offered to drive them to appointments etc. Transactional? maybe. But from my friend's pov: Better to find out before she spent all her time as a literal unpaid carer only to find out after they had died.

Personally I think it should be the other way round eg leave £30k to each grandchild and then split the rest between you and your brother.
leaving majority to grandchildren is unusual unless the kids request it eg tax reasons.

My sister wants my parents to leave her inheritance to her kids. She asked me if I want the same. I don’t. But it’s our choice and our parents are respectful of our wishes.

@Blueberrybrie007 I’d assume it’s either to ensure the GC have the same each, this is the only way your parents can control that.

Or, perhaps more likely, they don’t want your brother to inherit same as you given he doesn’t really speak to them. This way, they’re being “fair” because you and your brother get the same. The grandchildren get the same.

I really don't think this is a fair situation. We are reasonably wealthy and have several children. Currently only one has children, the other two are having issues conceiving. I could not penalise them for not having children, that would be awful. In my opinion wealth should always be distributed equally between your own children, from there, it is up to the parent,or non parent what they do or don't do with the monies they inherit. That seems to me to be the only fair way.

When my husband's mother died and my DH was dealing with her estate, it came to light that she had given one GC £15,000 some years earlier. That was of course, her choice, but she had five other GC who got nothing. I couldn't have done that. We never told our children nor the other GC what she had done as we didn't want them to feel 'unworthy' and her estate was distributed so that all GC got £10,000 but, in reality, that meant that one of them had £25,000. That didn't sit right with us, but her money, her choice.

After the last parent dies it’s possible to rearrange “distribution of the estate” all beneficiaries have to agree & sign a Deed of Variation.
So there are other things which can be done.

It’s a difficult one, I’ve always maintained the thought it’s their money they can do what they want. Also, I hate talking about it which I know we should, it’s just it makes me feel sad as I would rather the people over the money and that it feels difficult in some way.

I have heard of your situation in other families before, it can be common when a parent has fallen out with a child or feel their child has married badly / might blow all the money / divorce in the near future and want to keep their estate within the blood of the family. It’s difficult when that child could really do with the financial help. Also tax purposes may come into it.

I do wonder about though, if parents have 2 (or more), children, and one child has one child of their own, and the other/s have say 3+ children, if split equally the one that has 1 child kind of misses out on what would have been a 50% share to their parent which could filter down to them at some point, where as if they share between all grandchildren their potential share falls from 50% to 20% etc or less. All quite difficult when emotions are involved and again it’s the people you want, just something else to consider.

This is why my parents strictly split their estate between thier children in their will. We also know, and agree, their care will take precedence over any inheritance.

If my parents had done this split between grandchildren, my infertility would have excluded me from anything.

I think it's a very sad way to leave things.

I'd be asking if they're splitting the inheritance between their two children equally to be handed down to DGC as he has five they can collectively enjoy more.

I always feel it's very shitty to treat your own children differently and "reward" or "punish" someone based on the number of children they decide to have, but not much you can do.

No one in their right mind will think that it reflects on you in anyway!

Their friends are aware of it and so part of me is unsure how they'll perceive it. Kindly, who cares, that's none of their business.

Most people I know will judge more someone who decides to give more to one child (your brother) than the other (you), than the actual child.

It's entirely their decision. They probably see it as helping you and your brother equally, then treating all the grandchildren equally. Maybe they think the grandchildren are more in need than you and your brother?

No - OP said they plan to leave £30k each to OP and her brother, so you wouldn't be excluded in that scenario just because you didn't have children.

Are your parents playing games with you? Most people would expect the primary estate to be passed down to their children. You don't appear to be particularly well off. Have they misinterpreted your "not wanting to talk about it".
If the estate was left primarily to you and your brother, you could decide to pass it directly to your children via a Deed of Variation.

This kind of shit is why I've already told my kids any money I have is going to the local homeless charity!

However, her brothers family will inherit much more of the estate. That simply isn't fair.

But they haven't they've given it to the GC! And for all OP knows it could state in the will that the money can't be touched by OP and her brother! I know plenty of people who've done this - mainly when they believe that their children feel entitled to their money once they die!

Can anyone explain to me how leaving the bulk of the estate to the grandchildren avoids inheritance tax? I've Googled for this and can find no reference to this.

What you describe will undoubtedly lead to mixed feelings.
Your parents are basically leaving to your brother and his family over 4 times what you and your family get.
It's definitely unfair.
However, they can do whatever they want with their money, they could spend it all on care/cruises/Porsches.
So any thing you get is a bonus, but to value your brother more, we'll it leaves an ambivalent taste in the mouth, iykwim.

There is the possibility that care home fees eat up the vast majority of the money, you and your brother get your £30k each (paid first as specified amounts) and the residue to be divided is very little.

so what?

I bloody hope my own kids feel entitled to my assets when I die (not that there's much let's be honest 😂)

I cannot imagine children whose parents look at them with such disdain and tell them "you have nothing". How bizarre. I expect them to take care of their own kids later, that's how it works.

You raise them, it's on YOU to give them the right values, if you don't like what you see, it reflects on your bad parenting, not the other way.