To work on my marriage or continue with divorce proceedings

[BookishBear]

I’m at a sliding doors moment in my life. I left my husband a few months ago and moved out of the marital home. I left due to his behaviour towards me and instances in the past which included name calling and saying unforgivable things in arguments. When I left things were actually ok between us, he had stopped name calling and seemed to have grown up in the way he argued. But I felt like it was too late and too much damage had been done.

Ex is now asking if we could work on our marriage and see if it could be salvaged? Ex could also be lovely and generous and supportive of me so it’s complicated.

Do we attempt to work things out? Do we plough on with the divorce? We have two children who we co parent. I have a little house that I love and I know I could eventually make a life for myself, I have lots of friends and hobbies I enjoy. However the reality of co-parenting and not being a part of a family unit are shitty. Life is not necessarily easier.

Seeking advice? Ex said I would have to make big changes and he would have to make sure that he never made me feel the way he did.

Do you love him?

"I would have to make big changes"

What does that mean? What kind of changes?

I think only you can decide whether the changes he claims to have made are a manipuative attempt to get you back, or whether this is a legitimate effort.

Do you think he really grasps how wrong his behaviour was? Or does he revert back to saying 'I know I shouldn't have, but you made me behave that way'?

Also, do you miss him, or do you miss the life he made possible, the family unit, being with your children every day?

So he was verbally abusive? Were there other ways he was abusive?

Abusive men are not abusive 100% of the time, no one would stay with them otherwise. But the abusiveness is still there. Has he done therapy to actually work on his abusiveness? If not, he's likely masking it so you'll consider reconciliation.

Growing up in an abusive household harms the kids. They hear that stuff. They tend to model what their parents model in their own relationships.

What changes does he think you should make?

Personally, I wouldn't reconcile with an abusive spouse. I grew up in an abusive home so there is no way I would put kids through that.

When people show you who they are believe them.

he’s probably realised how much he’s going to loose. Also this isn’t something anyone on here can answer for you.

Think about what do you want in 5-10 years time.

ending a relationship and co-parenting was the best decision for us.

Only you can decide really. Remove the hard parts of co-parenting and starting again (as you shouldn't stay for those reasons) and think about him and your relationship.
Do you still love him?
Do you miss him?
Do you both agree on what needs to change to make things work again?
Do you think he has changed and won't be verbally abusive again? (people do change so it is a valid question to ask yourself)
Are you willing to try again?

The fact that he’s telling you you need to make “big changes” is a massive red flag. That’s him shifting the responsibility for his abuse back onto you. You left because of his behaviour - the name-calling, the unforgivable things he said. That damage is on him, not you. He doesn’t get to play Mr. Reformed Husband while still implying you’re partly to blame. That’s just manipulation dressed up as compromise.

If he were truly serious about change, he’d be in therapy, and actively showing you consistent accountability. He wouldn’t be dangling reconciliation while blaming you for not being willing enough.

“He could also be lovely, generous and supportive” is not proof he’s changed. It’s the classic hook of abuse: the good moments keep you doubting whether the bad ones were “that bad.” But they were. They were bad enough to destroy your trust and push you out of the marriage. You don’t owe him another chance just because sometimes he wasn’t awful.

When someone says “I’ll make sure I never make you feel that way again,” it’s slippery language. Notice he didn’t say “I was wrong to treat you that way” or “I will take accountability for the harm I caused.” He’s still framing it in terms of your feelings, not his actions. That’s classic minimisation and refusal to accept full responsibility.

You’ve already built a new life. You’ve got your little house, your friends, your hobbies, your freedom. Yes, co-parenting is tough and lonely at times, but going back to someone who already showed you who he really is will just lock you back into that cycle. It’s not a family unit if the price of “togetherness” is your self-respect and safety.

Bottom line: he wants the perks of reconciliation without doing the real work. You’ve done the hardest part already by leaving. Don’t let him rewrite history or convince you that the damage he did can be swept under the rug.

Tell him to get fucked.

You left because of his behavior.
He is asking for a second chance.
But he's saying you would need to make big changes to your behavior.

He sounds like a peach. He was a shit and he still is a shit - leave him in the bin.

You left him due to his abusive behaviour, but you need to make “big changes” to try again? Nope. People very rarely if ever are able to fundamentally change who they are. Eventually he’ll slip back.

What big changes is he proposing you make?

What is your gut telling you to do? When I left my husband I used to dream we were back together - I used to wake thinking thank fuck it was a dream.

Only you know whether you should get back with him, I guess it boils down to do you still love him and would you be doing it for the right reasons. If it's just to be back in a family unit then no I wouldnt.

I was speaking to a friend the other day - she told me that about 30 years ago her husband had an affair and they split up. She got herself a lovely little house, her and the kids were doing ok, the divorce was not quite final. He turned up out of the blue one day asking for another chance. She gave it to him. She regrets it bitterly. She feels she is too old to start again now (in her 60's).

If you do try again, make sure its what you want and its for the right reasons.

My ex wife, when we were splitting up suggested we have another go.

In particular she suggested that we go to (more!!) counselling and work on some of the things that caused issues in our relationship.

I said that I would be willing BUT she would have to go on an anger management course.

At which point she withdrew the idea..........

All an anonymous poster on a public forum can do is offer you mirror and a sounding board.

Here are my thoughts

Take the kids out of the equation for a moment - would you even think about going back if you were child-free / they were adults ? Because if they are the 'reason' for thinking about returning - then my answer would be no, don't go back.

How is the co-parenting 'shitty' ? If you both worked to improve this, would you be thinking differently ?

Has he said what changes he thinks you should be making ? Now I'm not giving any credence to this - but his views could be helpful to shaping your decision, or may just give you a laugh.

It must have taken a lot of courage, determination and high level organisational skills to leave your marriage and the family home. I would not consider returning for the same ol', same ol'. In this respect you can never 'go back' to what it was before, as what it was before made you leave.

You feel comfortable in your new home and I'm taking a big leap here, but as you don't mention them directly I'm assuming the children have settled well too. If someone were seriously planning to return, I would expect more optimism in your post than you have given us.

My suggestion for what it's worth - sit down with ex and a counsellor / mediator and talk through making the co-parenting experience better for the children and yourselves. Working on a common project is a team building exercise and could give you more information about how things could work in the long term if you return to the relationship. If he refuses - well there's your answer. If he agrees, at minimum, the co-parenting will improve and maybe even the relationship between you both.

saying unforgivable things in arguments

Unforgivable things cant be forgiven presumably...

Proceed with the divorce.
If he is actually changing on permanent basis you can get back together post divorce

If you left because of his behaviour why is it you that has to change??

He's still being controlling, manipulative and abusive OP, just in different ways. Continue with your divorce and your lovely house and your new life, he will ramp up the abuse once you are back and "emotionally and financially " trapped as a way to punish you for daring to leave. It's in the script they all follow.

Agree with everyone else - what do YOU Have to change? And he's going to "make sure he doesn't maek you feel that way again"? How is he goign to do that.

I'm always suspicious when there's a call for working on a marriage but the person who is doign the calling is the reason the marriage broke up and there aren't any specific examples of taking responsibiltiy for mistakes and hard suggestions on how to fix things going forward.

The other question is do you even want to? I mean, do you miss him? Him, not a partner to help with the chores or the childcare.

I asked him what he means by my having to make big changes and he said he would have to be able to trust be again because right now he can’t (I left him) He talks as if I’ve had an affair or done something terrible. I ended our marriage and told him I had found somewhere to live so he got to stay in the marital home and after I told him I then moved out 4 months later. He puts the blame onto me and says how could he ever trust me again but doesn’t take responsibility for why I left. He has admitted to treating me badly and “acting like a dick” but he doesn’t seem to grasp the seriousness of some of the things he said to me. I won’t say them on here but they were very very bad. Threats and other manipulation too.

He puts the blame onto me and says how could he ever trust me again but doesn’t take responsibility for why I left. He has admitted to treating me badly and “acting like a dick” but he doesn’t seem to grasp the seriousness of some of the things he said to me

Then my answer is no - there is no point on working on a relationship where the other person has no insight into how the relationship has failed.

You could maybe try a few counselling sessions together, without first making any commitment or moving back in, and see how that goes. It would become clear if he's capable of understanding how he hurt you and taking responsibility for his actions. It doesn't sound all that promising though from your update. It sounds like he's determined to paint himself as the victim and you as the baddie.

Jesus women what are thinking about giving him a second chance??????? .Nooooooo
You are creating a wonderful life and protecting your peace, he will shit all over it and hang ‘your betrayal’ over your head for the rest of your life. DO NOT DO IT.
Family unit is a social construct, your peace is your reality.

@Didsomeonesaydogs The fact that he’s telling you you need to make “big changes” is a massive red flag. That’s him shifting the responsibility for his abuse back onto you. You left because of his behaviour - the name-calling, the unforgivable things he said. That damage is on him, not you. He doesn’t get to play Mr. Reformed Husband while still implying you’re partly to blame. That’s just manipulation dressed up as compromise.

This ^ with big brass knobs on.

He's trying to make you think he's taken responsibility for his bad behaviour when he hasn't - don't be fooled OP.

Those big changes he is asking you to make? That's a manipulation. Every time you do something he doesn't like, he will refer back to it and use it to control you.

Absolutely fuck that. Co-parenting can be tricky, but not as bad as living out the rest of your life repenting to a manipulative abusive arsehole.

Given your second post, no, he’s 100% blaming you and will continue to do so.

And you need to ask what you should do now? Really?