To work on my marriage or continue with divorce proceedings

[BookishBear]

I’m at a sliding doors moment in my life. I left my husband a few months ago and moved out of the marital home. I left due to his behaviour towards me and instances in the past which included name calling and saying unforgivable things in arguments. When I left things were actually ok between us, he had stopped name calling and seemed to have grown up in the way he argued. But I felt like it was too late and too much damage had been done.

Ex is now asking if we could work on our marriage and see if it could be salvaged? Ex could also be lovely and generous and supportive of me so it’s complicated.

Do we attempt to work things out? Do we plough on with the divorce? We have two children who we co parent. I have a little house that I love and I know I could eventually make a life for myself, I have lots of friends and hobbies I enjoy. However the reality of co-parenting and not being a part of a family unit are shitty. Life is not necessarily easier.

Seeking advice? Ex said I would have to make big changes and he would have to make sure that he never made me feel the way he did.

God please don’t. I can 100% guarantee you’ll regret within days. Not even months. If he wins this one you’ll be even lower in his esteem. Why would you even think this might be a plan? Leaving is hard. Leaving a second time is 40x harder.

No. Don’t go back. Always press forwards.

You have done the hard bit. Leave him behind.

Abusers don’t stop abusing. They get worse. I promise you.

This is one of the worst/scariest things i have read on Mumsnet!! He told you he is a psychopath and his behaviours fit that: pleasure at stealing, cheating, threats of physical violence! He 💯 sounds like someone with a personality disorder.

I'm scared for you if you go back. He will make you pay every single day of your life if you go back and if you try to leave again i think he could hurt you.

You have been so brave to leave him. Please don't go back. This is not normal.

Absolutely not @BookishBear ! I don't know how you're even considering it when he is telling you that you will have to make big changes! WTF! He is telling you in advance that he will be an absolute arsehole about this, as well as all the other abusive behaviours.

You've done the hard work, do not go back!

No, he holds you entirely responsible for the issues that caused you to leave. What he's saying now will get worse once you're back. plus from your updates he sounds awful anyway.

Absolutely not to moving back in with him. He has taken no responsibility/accountability for the behaviour that drove you to leave the marriage and the marital home.

He sounds manipulative and full of self-pity. You have done the hard bit and you have somewhere to live and you are enjoying living on your own. His response to your moving out and him saying that you have 'lots of work to do' is a massive red flag and shows that he has learned nothing from your separation and your reasons for leaving.

Edited to add that I hadn't read all your posts before posting. He is a psychopathic monster with no empathy and no normal human values. He sounds dangerous and the further away you are from him, the better. He is a thief and a racist. It is unfortunate that your children need to have contact with him.

Keep going, you will regret it if you don’t.

Relationship counselling could be useful.

I went for just the one session in the end (didn't know counselling or mediation isn't advised for abusive relationships) and it solidified my decision to split. My ex used the session to minimize everything he'd said and done for years and took absolutely no responsibility for his part in the breakdown of the marriage.

Counselling could also help you manage the split if you are amicable.

I'd be worried that if you reconcile he'll use this against you at every and any opportunity.

This x 100000

He sounds utterly vile.

So broadly speaking, he's manipulative and fundamentally dishonest.

Do you trust that he is a good, kind , decent man, or are you just hoping he can tweak his behaviour ?
The tweaking is only ever a manipulation

His not doing the real work that change involves shows that he's just covering to suck you back in. His saying that you are the one who needs to make big changes is him showing he's still abusive. He will use you leaving and his lack of trust as an excuse for more abuse. He'll be moving the goalposts and there will be no pleasing him and you'll be back where you were with things even worse. There will be more threats and likely worse as your punishment.

Change is hard. You're living that right now. What you lived with was familiar and of course there were good moments. If abusive men were abusive 100% of the time, no woman would stay with them. You're in the hard part of breaking the cycle of abuse. But breaking that cycle might be the most important thing you do for your children.

He's an unhinged thief.
WTF are you thinking of going back to condone this scum.

Op, what, apart from his words, have changed?

has he had therapy?

has he reflected on what triggered him, and what he (not you) can do to avoid being triggered again?

has he owned his part in it?

what actions has he taken?

He sounds and is absolutely fucking awful. Why the hell would you consider going back to that knob. Honestly OP get the stay the fuck away from him.

After reading your other posts, he’ll would freeze over before I gave him another chance, kids or no kids. Both you and your dc deserve to live in a calm, safe and secure manner

Well he said one true thing Op - he is a psychopath. He doesn't feel love in the way other people do, for him it's about getting what he wants from you not anything to do with love. Don't you notice he doesn't talk about wanting the family back together, he just wants what he had before where he could blame you for everything. He doesn't feel guilt or shame so he'll be quite happy to punish you for years because you had the temerity to leave him, every happy family event will be another chance for him to remind your DC that you tried to wreck it all by leaving him.
You ran away for a bloody good reason @BookishBear ,now stay away

OP, don’t go back.

He may cringe (or say he did) at how he behaved when in his 20’s, but clearly not enough for him to have changed that behaviour to make you stay and be happy.

It isn’t easy when you have children to walk away, but you’ve done the hardest part. You can be amicable for the sake of the children, but I would put good money on the fact your life would be hell if you went back to him.
When someone shows who they are, always believe them. There are a million and one red flags from how he’s behaved and treated you.

He’s had plenty of time to acknowledge his part in the relationship breakdown. Plenty of time to talk to you, to recognise his behaviour was wrong, to apologise. But hasn’t. And now tries to put the blame at your door.

Op, you have a life, you will meet someone else if you want to. Someone who treats you right. Your ex is not that person.

Read what people have said on here, listen to your Mum. You deserve better than him.

Joint counselling is one of the very worst things you can do if the relationship is in any way abusive.

After your first post I thought ‘maybe’. But the rest is pretty scary. Do not go back. No way.

@Didsomeonesaydogs spot on 👏
OP I suggest you read this carefully, screen shot it and refer to it any time you feel tempted to go back .
He hasn’t and won’t change ..

OP. You have done an amazing thing leaving and getting so established and happy on your own. Don’t let that go.

Having read only your posts, I’m actually afraid FOR you if you go back. Please don’t.

Hold on to your happy life.

I'm wondering what you decided to do in the end? I'm really struck by what you said about separated life being different and complicated. It's not necessarily better or easier. Thank you for describing this so well. I understand how hard these decisions and choices are x