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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To work on my marriage or continue with divorce proceedings

122 replies

BookishBear · 19/09/2025 13:59

I’m at a sliding doors moment in my life. I left my husband a few months ago and moved out of the marital home. I left due to his behaviour towards me and instances in the past which included name calling and saying unforgivable things in arguments. When I left things were actually ok between us, he had stopped name calling and seemed to have grown up in the way he argued. But I felt like it was too late and too much damage had been done.

Ex is now asking if we could work on our marriage and see if it could be salvaged? Ex could also be lovely and generous and supportive of me so it’s complicated.

Do we attempt to work things out? Do we plough on with the divorce? We have two children who we co parent. I have a little house that I love and I know I could eventually make a life for myself, I have lots of friends and hobbies I enjoy. However the reality of co-parenting and not being a part of a family unit are shitty. Life is not necessarily easier.

Seeking advice? Ex said I would have to make big changes and he would have to make sure that he never made me feel the way he did.

OP posts:
Original poster
BookishBear · 19/09/2025 15:55

He blames me completely saying how I destroyed our family and ruined all of our lives - “I will never forgive you” etc. He has also said “Don’t worry, you are safe now” when I brought up the physical threats (enough to make me feel unsafe and scared of what he might do) He has painted himself as the victim and me as the villain. He also says how much he still loves me but can hardly look at me after what I’ve done.

OP posts:
EuclidianGeometryFan · 19/09/2025 15:56

It is not relevant whether you still love him or miss him.

Loving someone is NOT a good reason for being in a relationship, especially if they are abusive and have shown no insight into their behaviour.

DON'T go into counselling with him. You can't have successful counselling with an abuser who has no insight into their behaviour. They just manipulate the situation and may even pull the wool over the counsellors' eyes so you end up with your head in even more of a mess.

Put aside you feelings of love and loneliness and regret and grief.
Make the decision with logic and reason.

He has done nothing to address his behaviour.
He still thinks you are the one "at fault" and that you need to change.

You would be very foolish indeed to go back to him.

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 19/09/2025 15:57

OP, you've said that in the past he has a tendency to lash out verbally.

Please recognise that he now has (from his perspective) the ultimate trump card for arguments and disagreements!

"at least i loved you enough not to walk out"

if he's done no work on himself at all to address his own faults, he will 100% wheel this out when he feels like he's "losing".

Original poster
BookishBear · 19/09/2025 15:59

My concern would be that he would hold it over me forever that I left him and use it as a weapon. My concern is that my teenager who shows signs of disrespect like his Dad would also do the same if I moved back. Speaking to my mum she worries about my mental health if I moved back in and thinks H would eventually make my life hell.

OP posts:
EuclidianGeometryFan · 19/09/2025 16:00

BookishBear · 19/09/2025 15:55

He blames me completely saying how I destroyed our family and ruined all of our lives - “I will never forgive you” etc. He has also said “Don’t worry, you are safe now” when I brought up the physical threats (enough to make me feel unsafe and scared of what he might do) He has painted himself as the victim and me as the villain. He also says how much he still loves me but can hardly look at me after what I’ve done.

Cross posted with your update.

DO NOT GO BACK.

He is a dangerous abuser.

It is your primary duty as a parent to look after your children. That means NOT taking them back to live in a home with someone who has physically threatened their mother.
If you go back, that would be a terrible choice for your children.

MaggiesShadow · 19/09/2025 16:01

Oof, this is hard to read. He's already setting the ground work to start the abuse again. Setting you on the backfoot by making you think that you'll have to make things up to him.

PLEASE DO NOT go to therapy with this man. Narcissistic abusers are way too good at manipulation and even just from these few posts I know he'll spend the time getting the counsellor onside to lay the blame at your feet and put you back in your place.

You have a house you love. You did the hard part by getting out. You're only "getting along now" because he's trying to lure you back in, yet he's still making sure to punish you for the sin of standing up for yourself.

You made the break now you need to stay the course. You owe it to yourself to at least try. If you can't imagine single life right now, make a deal with yourself. Don't put a reconciliation on the table for a a year. One full year of seeing what your life will be when this isn't so new.

Omgblueskys · 19/09/2025 16:04

BookishBear · 19/09/2025 15:37

I asked him what he means by my having to make big changes and he said he would have to be able to trust be again because right now he can’t (I left him) He talks as if I’ve had an affair or done something terrible. I ended our marriage and told him I had found somewhere to live so he got to stay in the marital home and after I told him I then moved out 4 months later. He puts the blame onto me and says how could he ever trust me again but doesn’t take responsibility for why I left. He has admitted to treating me badly and “acting like a dick” but he doesn’t seem to grasp the seriousness of some of the things he said to me. I won’t say them on here but they were very very bad. Threats and other manipulation too.

Nope op, stay were you are,
The fucker has actually turned this around and blaiming you, ffs how clever or not of him,
How dare you even have the balls to leave him, and he will cut them balls off op if you give him a chance,

So you and your balls stay put, happy , with peace

Keep strong, op

SapphOhNo · 19/09/2025 16:05

He's giving you so many red flags.

Life would be definitely shitter with him for you and the kids.

He's basically saying he's done nothing wrong.

You've done the hard thing and left. Only way is forward.

EuclidianGeometryFan · 19/09/2025 16:05

I recommend you stop communicating with him about everything except the children's handovers.
Change you phone number and don't give him the new one.
Get a dedicated email account for communication about the children. Delete all emails that are not about practical matters for the children.
Block him everywhere else.

All communication about the divorce can go through solicitors.

You need to stop him from messing with your head.

CuriousKangaroo · 19/09/2025 16:06

So it’s YOUR fault that the marriage is in trouble and requires work because you left due to his verbal abuse and making you feel scared for your physical and emotional safety?

Fuck that, OP. Don’t look back.

Snorlaxo · 19/09/2025 16:06

BookishBear · 19/09/2025 15:59

My concern would be that he would hold it over me forever that I left him and use it as a weapon. My concern is that my teenager who shows signs of disrespect like his Dad would also do the same if I moved back. Speaking to my mum she worries about my mental health if I moved back in and thinks H would eventually make my life hell.

Totally agree with all of that. Every time he doesn’t his way he will blame you and his demand for
changes will involve things like sex on demand with you forced to say yes to everything

PickAChew · 19/09/2025 16:10

BookishBear · 19/09/2025 15:37

I asked him what he means by my having to make big changes and he said he would have to be able to trust be again because right now he can’t (I left him) He talks as if I’ve had an affair or done something terrible. I ended our marriage and told him I had found somewhere to live so he got to stay in the marital home and after I told him I then moved out 4 months later. He puts the blame onto me and says how could he ever trust me again but doesn’t take responsibility for why I left. He has admitted to treating me badly and “acting like a dick” but he doesn’t seem to grasp the seriousness of some of the things he said to me. I won’t say them on here but they were very very bad. Threats and other manipulation too.

It's a hard no from me. He has no self awareness at all and just wants you back in your box. Presumably, having you to hand makes his life a bit easier.

sesquipedalian · 19/09/2025 16:18

OP, if your DM thinks your husband would make your life hell if you moved back, I’d listen to her. “He has painted himself as the victim and me as the villain” - and this is the story he will continue to tell himself. I’d be concerned about the fact that “Ex said I would have to make big changes” - he’s not exactly taking any responsibility for what has happened. I think if you are considering moving back, you both need to go to some sort of counselling or marriage guidance - my fear is that you’d move back, it would be fine for a short while, and then your DH would go back to his old ways, leaving you in a position where you had to leave all over again. I’d be cautious, OP - it doesn’t sound as though you’ve walked out of the door on a whim.

Girlmom35 · 19/09/2025 16:20

BookishBear · 19/09/2025 15:59

My concern would be that he would hold it over me forever that I left him and use it as a weapon. My concern is that my teenager who shows signs of disrespect like his Dad would also do the same if I moved back. Speaking to my mum she worries about my mental health if I moved back in and thinks H would eventually make my life hell.

Why would you even consider moving back with all the extra information you've shared today?
Honestly, you'd be insane to go back

LadyNellCardross · 19/09/2025 16:23

Darling everything you say about this man screams abuse. He won't change because he's not capable of it. Even now he's still telling you it's all your fault and got you doubting yourself. You owe it to your son to set an example of what is acceptable in a relationship and what isn't. Otherwise he'll go on to use the same behaviour in his own relationships. Stop doubting yourself and build a new life without him.

NotToday1l · 19/09/2025 16:29

BookishBear · 19/09/2025 13:59

I’m at a sliding doors moment in my life. I left my husband a few months ago and moved out of the marital home. I left due to his behaviour towards me and instances in the past which included name calling and saying unforgivable things in arguments. When I left things were actually ok between us, he had stopped name calling and seemed to have grown up in the way he argued. But I felt like it was too late and too much damage had been done.

Ex is now asking if we could work on our marriage and see if it could be salvaged? Ex could also be lovely and generous and supportive of me so it’s complicated.

Do we attempt to work things out? Do we plough on with the divorce? We have two children who we co parent. I have a little house that I love and I know I could eventually make a life for myself, I have lots of friends and hobbies I enjoy. However the reality of co-parenting and not being a part of a family unit are shitty. Life is not necessarily easier.

Seeking advice? Ex said I would have to make big changes and he would have to make sure that he never made me feel the way he did.

You left him because of the way he treated you but now that he wants you back he said you will have to make big changes ……What?!?

Buildingthefuture · 19/09/2025 16:30

I really do believe in second chances, but in your situation op? Fuck no. If he had come to you, said he’d been going to therapy for a year, understood how deeply damaging his behaviour had been, taken full responsibility and suggested “dating” for a little bit, to see if YOU could trust HIM again? Maybe.
But he is literally telling you it’s all your fault. He cannot see that you left because of him and his behaviour. Proceed with the divorce and don’t look back.

unsync · 19/09/2025 16:32

BookishBear · 19/09/2025 15:59

My concern would be that he would hold it over me forever that I left him and use it as a weapon. My concern is that my teenager who shows signs of disrespect like his Dad would also do the same if I moved back. Speaking to my mum she worries about my mental health if I moved back in and thinks H would eventually make my life hell.

You are right to have these concerns. Your leaving is his responsibility. Until he acknowledges this, nothing has changed. Hold fast and push on with the divorce. You are never going to have a happy, fulfilled life with this man.

NotToday1l · 19/09/2025 16:33

BookishBear · 19/09/2025 15:59

My concern would be that he would hold it over me forever that I left him and use it as a weapon. My concern is that my teenager who shows signs of disrespect like his Dad would also do the same if I moved back. Speaking to my mum she worries about my mental health if I moved back in and thinks H would eventually make my life hell.

I would not go back to this man, he is a gaslighter and trying to blame you for a situation that was primarily his doing….he is manipulative and untrustworthy, if you go back it wouldn’t be long before he returned to his abusive ways.

If you really want to go back go to couples counselling first and bring up all these issues with a therapist so he can also hear them

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 19/09/2025 16:34

BookishBear · 19/09/2025 15:37

I asked him what he means by my having to make big changes and he said he would have to be able to trust be again because right now he can’t (I left him) He talks as if I’ve had an affair or done something terrible. I ended our marriage and told him I had found somewhere to live so he got to stay in the marital home and after I told him I then moved out 4 months later. He puts the blame onto me and says how could he ever trust me again but doesn’t take responsibility for why I left. He has admitted to treating me badly and “acting like a dick” but he doesn’t seem to grasp the seriousness of some of the things he said to me. I won’t say them on here but they were very very bad. Threats and other manipulation too.

fuck me, what a DARVO coming from him.

So he has said "we" could work on the marriage, but at the first hurdle he's blaming YOU.

Absolutely no accountability. He hasn't shown you a shred of respect for years, and now he's placing the onus on you to fix things that are entirely his bloody fault.

He doesn't have good intentions OP. You add things to his life that he's worried about losing, whereas he just pulls you apart.

As another PP said abusive men aren't abusive all the time. Abusive men aren't just physically abusive. He has no intentions of changing his ways.

Snorlaxo · 19/09/2025 16:38

I think that nobody would be able to match this mythical standard that he’s created and deep downs you and your mum know it.

You’ll end up being blamed for the breakdown twice over. It’s a big fat trap leading to misery imo.

m00rfarm · 19/09/2025 16:41

FFS of course you should not be moving back in with him. He is horrible. He does not admit what he did affected you so badly that you felt you had to leave the family home. Do not go back to him!

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 19/09/2025 16:47

You would be utterly mad to go back. He will punish you until Doomsday. Your life will be a living hell.

And by going back, you will force your children to witness their father emotionally and mentally brutalising their cowering, broken mother.

Your son will think that is how he should treat women too. Your daughter will choose an abuser as a partner. They will have children - your grandchildren - who will then perpetuate this toxic generational misery.

Don't do it, OP. Divorce him, split him off from your life, parallel parent with him, and get on with showing your children what self-respect and kindness look like.

ForWildLemon · 19/09/2025 16:54

What do you think is making you wobble now?

This bit of your OP stood out to me:

I have a little house that I love and I know I could eventually make a life for myself, I have lots of friends and hobbies I enjoy. However the reality of co-parenting and not being a part of a family unit are shitty. Life is not necessarily easier.

it seems like you’re settled in well overall but what isn’t working as well os the co-parenting and doing things as a family unit. But I’d ask you - his abuse was clearly enough for you to need to leave so how was the family unit really? I find it hard to believe it was solid and he was a supportive co-parent when you lived together. He’s not one now you live apart

is it actually the case that life is better - but the bit that makes is less easy is still him?

Shatteredallthetimelately · 19/09/2025 16:54

BookishBear · 19/09/2025 15:37

I asked him what he means by my having to make big changes and he said he would have to be able to trust be again because right now he can’t (I left him) He talks as if I’ve had an affair or done something terrible. I ended our marriage and told him I had found somewhere to live so he got to stay in the marital home and after I told him I then moved out 4 months later. He puts the blame onto me and says how could he ever trust me again but doesn’t take responsibility for why I left. He has admitted to treating me badly and “acting like a dick” but he doesn’t seem to grasp the seriousness of some of the things he said to me. I won’t say them on here but they were very very bad. Threats and other manipulation too.

Based on your post here, sounds like it's a case of when not if, I've no doubt you'll be in this situation sometime in the future so you may as well continue with the divorce now and start to build a new life.

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