To work on my marriage or continue with divorce proceedings

[BookishBear]

I’m at a sliding doors moment in my life. I left my husband a few months ago and moved out of the marital home. I left due to his behaviour towards me and instances in the past which included name calling and saying unforgivable things in arguments. When I left things were actually ok between us, he had stopped name calling and seemed to have grown up in the way he argued. But I felt like it was too late and too much damage had been done.

Ex is now asking if we could work on our marriage and see if it could be salvaged? Ex could also be lovely and generous and supportive of me so it’s complicated.

Do we attempt to work things out? Do we plough on with the divorce? We have two children who we co parent. I have a little house that I love and I know I could eventually make a life for myself, I have lots of friends and hobbies I enjoy. However the reality of co-parenting and not being a part of a family unit are shitty. Life is not necessarily easier.

Seeking advice? Ex said I would have to make big changes and he would have to make sure that he never made me feel the way he did.

I wouldnt be giving a second chance but its entirely up to you

Agreed.. and also.

"He blames me completely"

He hasn't accepted any responsibility. He will continue to blame you.

He wants you back so he can make you pay.

Listen to your Mum.

I would be doubtful that he could have changed his personality so much that he wouldn’t go back to his old ways, and then also start bringing up the fact you left.
He’s already mentioned why you need to change in regard to that. I’d also be wondering at what point he needs to talk about ways he needs to change, or to recognise the reasons why you left.

I wouldn’t be rushing back based on what you’ve posted about his behaviour. If he loves you and wants to change, let him show that whilst you are separated.

Wow! Just Wow! I’ve read about some crap husbands on Mumsnet, OP, but yours deserves the gold medal!

He is abusive, threatens violence, says unforgiveable things. You finally give up and move meekly out, leaving him the house. But you are the one who has to change, who has to regain his trust, who ….

Ugh, I can’t even continue. The fact that he blames you and demands concessions even while he’s trying to reel you in again makes it clear that your Mum is right. He will make your life hell.

Yes, he will hold it against you forever. He obviously has not changed at all. He just wants you back so that he can have all the wonderful comforts that having a wife and family brings. Don't go back.

Do not go back.
It would be a huge mistake.
This is a highly abusive man who takes fxxk all responsibility for his awful behaviour.
He is angry with you.
Please don't think for a second he forgives you or ever will.
He is trying to hoover you back.
Stay steady.
Watch him carefully when you stand firm.
My bet is you will be surprised at just how ugly and abusive he will be.

His type don't change.
He's pissed you left.

Women who do go back, bitterly regret it.
It adds upset to the children which is used by their abuser to keep them further stuck.

Feeling forced to leave is huge.
You have done the hard bit.
Stay steady.
Things will get better.
He is not a good man.

Listen to your mother.
Also what shocking role modelling for your children.

Do it for them if not yourself.
Stay put.
He wants his skivvy back to abuse.
Watch him when you make it clear there is no going back.

Involve the police if he threatens you again.
Tell the truth of his abuse.

Leaving is the hardest part and you’ve done that OP.

People rarely change and I suspect that if you do go back that he’ll be on his best behaviour for a few months and then revert back to type.

He must have known in advance of you leaving that you were unhappy, he could have used this time to change his ways.

Although none of us can tell you what to do, I think it would be a huge mistake to go back.

After your first post, I was on the fence. After your subsequent posts, I think you'd be stark staring mad to go back.

I'd be campaigning to get back in the marital home, get him out, and start working on partenting your teen.

Op why are you considering going back?

Because you are finding it hard?
You love him?
You want to prove you are not mean and nasty?

You say he blames you, will never forgive you (for saying you were unhappy and leaving - not cheating) etc.

Also really think about:

Why does he want to be with you if he finds you so terrible? Yes he loves you blah blah blah. But really think about it - He must get something from feeling this way about you or by treating you this way? He must get something from saying ‘I’ll never forgive you’ or being mean when you were together.

There must be something he gets and enjoys maybe from being in a dysfunctional marriage.

He can't get a personality transplant.

You aren't even back together yet and he's still complaining, being abusive and blaming you rather than taking personal responsibility.

He has his chance to treat you right already.
He didn't.
In fact, he fucked up so badly that it was horrible enough for you to need to leave him
He shows no sign of improvement.
He's the same man with the same abusive behaviour.
He won't change.

You have made the difficult decision.
You didn't take it lightly.
You have done the hard part.

If I were you, I wouldn't allow him put you through that again. All indicators are, it will be the same as it was before.

This is a very insightful post!

I beg you not to go back.

He hasn't accepted he was responsible for your marriage breakup. He minimised his abuse.

He will continue to be abusive, only worse now because a) he knows when you leave you don't really mean it, and b) he blames you for leaving him and will hold that over you forever. The abuse will be worse.

It will be damaging to you and to your children. You will regret going back.

You have a lovely home now, a calm and happy place. Friends. Hobbies. Yes, lone parenting can be hard at times, but it's better than being abused. And your children will soon grow up and fledge. Can you imagine the rest of your life-just you and him?

If you go back, you will regret it. I'd lay my life on that.

Read your own posts back as though someone else had written them OP, what advice would you give that person? It's crystal clear that you shouldn't go back which makes me wonder why it's not clear to you, and the most likely explanation for that is that he's messing with your head and manipulating/guilt tripping you.

Best advice I can give you is step back, from him primarily but also from the situation to try and get an objective view. You need to cut contact to a minimum, essential stuff only and no contact at all if that's logistically possible. He won't like it but you need to say you can't make a decision without taking some time and space away from him to think it all through, make it clear that he will lose you completely if he doesn't allow you this time.

Once you're away from him I suspect it won't take long before the 'what was I thinking even considering going back!' moment happens and then you're perfectly placed to properly end it while he's already somewhat removed from your life. You need that space though OP, you're obviously not recovered enough from the damage he caused while you were together to withstand him trying to suck you back in just yet, so you need to protect yourself by staying away from him.

So he’s just said in a text that he feels better that we are discussing the possibility of working things out but one thing stood out - he says it’s taken him a lot of work to get this far. I’m pretty sure he means that it’s taken him a lot of work to even consider discussing working things out with me after what I’ve done to him and how much I’ve hurt him etc.

It wasn’t just abuse that drove me away, there was so much more to it such as him stealing from self service checkouts (he stole a wallet and looked so pleased with himself) he regularly steals from his work place (not just a few pens), he has a secret child that he’s never met (now a teenager) that our other children don’t know about and general comments he would make about women’s appearances on TV, about their weight or big nose etc. Also comments that he would say to shock me and get a reaction (racist or about a disabled person) So much more that would take hours to explain.

One comment from him - he was reading about psychopath personality disorder and he looked at me and said how he thought he could have that. Then backtracked and said I would probably use it was a weapon against him.

So basically it was a mess, years and years of red flags galore! 🚩 But he was smart, intelligent and we could also enjoy each other’s company and chat about the children etc.

The main thing driving me is keeping our family together. All of us together under one roof, family occasions and Christmas all together as a family. Life now isn’t necessarily better, it is complicated, oldest is very attached to the family home and co parenting both can be a logistical nightmare with timings etc. I miss all our routines and cosy family time. I’m mainly thinking of the family unit and not ex though. I miss chatting to him about out children and sharing the load etc. I miss the busy noisy family home. But it’s a grieving process.

Physical threats.

Get outta town with that guilt trip. Never do counseling with an abuser.

He's an abusive spouse who is pissed that you left and hasn't done the work he should have been doing. He's trying to manipulate you into going back because it's easier and cheaper to keep you. He hasn't changed. He's trying to guilt you

Being that he's abusive and threatening, your family is already broken. Your son is modeling what he's been taught by his dad and you will just reinforce the cycle of abuse if you go back.

He’s still saying that it’s going to take a lot of work for him to be able to trust me again. Almost like I ran off with another man and abandoned my family!

This.

Well, it's almost unanimous that you shouldn't go back to him. What are you going to do?

i don’t know. He’s admitted that he didn’t treat me right and how he’s cringing at how he used to behave. He was in his twenties when we first got together and he says he was immature and how he’s a different person now etc.

Originally I thought you should perhaps see if this is something you would consider . But since your updates, I'd say no fucking way . The reality of what it's going to cost him is probably sinking in as he'll have to buy you out or sell the house , plus fees , etc. You sound like you are in a good place , happily settled in your own home . Co parenting doesn't have to be shitty as part if the divorce will mean setting up definite arrangements.

Words are cheap. You're grieving what might have been, lovely Christmasses etc but what about the rest of life? Fuck him off. You've made the biggest step so congratulate yourself. He's already victim blaming, he should be grovelling at your feet, it would be even worse if you went back.

He'll always throw it back in your face that you left. It's early days. You're going to find it difficult at first. Change is always difficult. He's catching you at your most vulnerable time.
I don't understand why he has a trust issue.with you. You said you'd leave and you've done that. It's not like you've said you'll go then changed your mind etc. I've seen that before and that is a trust issue. Not what you've done. You've not cheated either.
He doesn't sound reasonable OP.

Anyone can alter their behaviour for a while but once you're back through the doors and with them all of the time, he will revert to his former behaviour and the threats you mention that he's made to you.

You dont even have to make a decision now. You could divorce anyway and always get back with him if that's what you want. However, you love your new little house and your friendship group etc. You've got a lot to lose by going back. Loads of people co-parent and it'll be fine. It's gets easier as you go along.