To work on my marriage or continue with divorce proceedings

[BookishBear]

I’m at a sliding doors moment in my life. I left my husband a few months ago and moved out of the marital home. I left due to his behaviour towards me and instances in the past which included name calling and saying unforgivable things in arguments. When I left things were actually ok between us, he had stopped name calling and seemed to have grown up in the way he argued. But I felt like it was too late and too much damage had been done.

Ex is now asking if we could work on our marriage and see if it could be salvaged? Ex could also be lovely and generous and supportive of me so it’s complicated.

Do we attempt to work things out? Do we plough on with the divorce? We have two children who we co parent. I have a little house that I love and I know I could eventually make a life for myself, I have lots of friends and hobbies I enjoy. However the reality of co-parenting and not being a part of a family unit are shitty. Life is not necessarily easier.

Seeking advice? Ex said I would have to make big changes and he would have to make sure that he never made me feel the way he did.

And how much work would it take for you to feel safe with him? You can guarantee he wouldn't do any of it.

Ew he sounds gross.
Surely if you wanted to get back together you could "date" for a while whilst living apart and see if it could work. But honestly it sounds like he's a manipulative git and you have much more chance of a positive future without him.

He's still an abusive cunt though. With every single word you write about him he sounds utterly vile and the thought of you even considering returning to that makes for stressful reading. Please, please keep remembering why you left. Every single one of those good reasons still applies, except now he is angrier at you and getting more manipulative. He doesn't want a happy reconciliation, he wants to punish you.
He isn't safe. It won't be a happy family unit, it will be a house overflowing with abuse and toxicity. You and your kids deserve so much better.

"He’s admitted that he didn’t treat me right" and he followed that immediately with "but you should..."

That's not real remorse, OP. That's not real understanding of how violently he treated you emotionally and why you were forced to leave.

Because he doesn't understand - because he thinks he's right, or he is just simply unable to understand - that means he WILL behave like that again.

I'm as sure of that as I am that the sun will come up tomorrow.

Do you honestly think he will treat you as you SHOULD be treated, over the long term?

@PinkArt has nailed it:

“PinkArt · Today 19:51

BookishBear · Today 19:07
i don’t know. He’s admitted that he didn’t treat me right and how he’s cringing at how he used to behave. He was in his twenties when we first got together and he says he was immature and how he’s a different person now etc.

He's still an abusive cunt though. With every single word you write about him he sounds utterly vile and the thought of you even considering returning to that makes for stressful reading. Please, please keep remembering why you left. Every single one of those good reasons still applies, except now he is angrier at you and getting more manipulative. He doesn't want a happy reconciliation, he wants to punish you.
He isn't safe. It won't be a happy family unit, it will be a house overflowing with abuse and toxicity. You and your kids deserve so much better.”

This with Big Ben size bells on. Your ex is an unsafe man. Even now, when he should be at his most contrite, he’s still throwing his weight around. He is an unsafe man. He will always be an unsafe man. You cannot build a happy family with an unsafe man. You’ve done the hardest bit. Please don’t undo it.

If he's changed that much since his twenties then you wouldn't have left him.
As for his previous comment saying your safe now. Yes you are safe now because you're not with him.
As for the cosy family occasions I think you're looking through rose coloured glasses. Christmas and birthdays are odd days of the year. You're potentially returning for 365 days of the year.
Everyone likes the idea of the family unit. In reality it's rarely that. Please don't make any rash decisions. Once you go back it's going to be very difficult to leave this manipulative man.

He is a psychopath. He’s told you he is. Everything he is doing and saying now proves he is.

Honestly, if you go back you will be as tortured as you were before but it will be much more subtle.

Have you ever seen a cat play with its prey? This is your relationship.

You got out for good reason. Don’t doubt yourself now.

I think everyone has already said it all. But he hasn't apologised or taken accountability, he is still blaming you and will continue to do so. If you go back, youre giving permission for him to carry on as he always has. And ill put money on you seeing the abusive side of him again pretty soon after you tell him youre still divorcing.
Your kids will be fine if you divorce. It's not easy being a single parent / parallel parenting, but it is much more peaceful

I would divorce him and then have a relationship with him if I felt like it.

Get that paper and settlement though so that if it goes tits up you can just walk away.

And you are wondering whether you should get back together with this man?

NO!!!!!!!! A thousand times no!

You would have to be stark raving mad to go back into this relationship. Everything he has said is laying the groundwork for repeated and prolonged future abuse of you, that he would expect you to accept, because after all he can never trust you again, and everything is your fault.

Stay well away from him.

There is a definite life of misery if you go back. He's not even taking full responsibility while he's trying to get you back, imagine how your life will be when he's got you stuck back there with him!
He expects you to put up with him being a shit human, and if you don't then you're the bad guy!
Now you're out, stay out. You have hope, a chance for happiness. You need to stop discussing it with him. This is your life, not his.
Discuss the children only with him, you don't owe him your compliance. He's not entitled to you, you left as a consequence to his shitty behaviour. He still doesn't accept that and is turning is around on to you, there is clearly no growth or change on his part and frankly you would be stupid to go back to that.

This psychopath is going to break you completely if you back, and by extension, your children.
That son that is already mirroring his behaviour may end up completely beyond redemption.
There isn't a Christmas in hell that is worth what is to come.

All of us together under one roof, family occasions and Christmas all together as a family.

Yeah, no, that's not a reason to get back with him. It's REALLY not. That's just an image. A mirage in fact.

Great post and I whole heartedly agree.

You deserve to be happy. I did just what you have done. I left the family home and teetered for a long time hoping he would change and that if he saw I didn’t need him then it would be his impetus to really put the work in. It wasn’t. It’s really hard and can be so lonely being on your own but you can’t ignore the strength it took you to leave. It’s a huge achievement and that shouldn’t be ignored.

I found a photo album last weekend at my parents of us all on holiday around 26 years ago. We were so happy. We weren’t when I left. It’s not your job to love him. Just to love yourself. It’s ok to let him go. I’ve done so much and grown in ways I never imagined I could since I’ve been single. I’m 55 tomorrow.

He's sounds like a manipulative and gaslighting abuser. I left my ex husband and then got sweet-talked into returning (just when the kids and I were getting some money together and starting to have such a peaceful, fun time) and because I came back....he was worse. He thought he could get away with treating me even more like dirt, because my returning was an indication that I had actually accepted the treatment from before. Don't do what I did. I was so set on 'keeping the family together' that I went back for more and it was traumatising for both myself and the children.

If your children have begun to adapt to the new situation and are coping then I would continue to build your own life separated . You sound emotionally intelligent with clear boundaries and he sounds immature, insecure and unpredictable. You will be whimsical about the cosy family times I know, but the reality is that he is toxic xx Good luck❤️ 🍀

I wouldn't go back based on this alone, nevermind your other updates.
If you DO go back, it will be much, much harder to leave again if you could at all.

The main thing driving me is keeping our family together. All of us together under one roof, family occasions and Christmas all together as a family
Family under one roof, all together as a family is a lovely thought but completely damaging for children if the relationships modelled are not healthy and respectful. So think about what kind of role models your children deserve and whether living in the environment you know it will end up being is best for them

Give your head a massive wobble OP. You’ve done really well to leave him, stay gone!

I can’t believe you’d consider going back to him after what you’ve wrote. And I suspect the reality is far worse than what you’ve wrote here. It takes a lot to leave someone, and I think you’d be absolutely crazy to consider going back. It would be one thing if he was taking full responsibility for the marriage breakdown, but seems like he has taken a tiny bit of blame and is fully blaming you for daring to leave him. Yes it’s hard co-parenting and not seeing your DC all day on those special occasions, but staying with someone who is treating you poorly is not good. Going back when you’ve managed to get out would be crazy, as you’d be stuck then, you couldn’t mess the kids around. Don’t go back to this man.

Don't touch him with a large pole, get as far away from him as possible. Why give up everything you have achieved since leaving him, it will be twice as hard to leave again if you go back & then decide to leave him again. Continue with the divorce & if anything tell him you are glad you can both be civil with each other as it will make the divorce easier for both of you, my guess is telling him that will mean he will flip & turn nasty again & you will see his true colours once again. He will never change, he just wants to take back control, just think about the fact you will be permanently walking on eggshells for fear of upsetting him, he is putting all the blame on you, telling you that you have to change, he hasn't changed one bit.

Abuse - ltb.
Steals and is pleased with himself for it - definitely ltb.
Secret child he's never met nor told his other, your, children about - WTAF LTB!
Derogatory comments about women - seriously ltb.
Racist and disablist comments in order to shock you (or maybe he IS racist and disablist?) - ffs ltb!
Admits he's a psychopath - c'mon now, ltb!
There's more apparently - wtf could be left? Sexual crimes? Secret murderer? Has gambled away a fortune? The mind boggles. That's already quite the list @BookishBear .
There is no way on this good green earth that you should stay with this man. Knock it completely on the head, please. Take care of yourself.

It sounds like the life you’ve created since is nicer than the one you left, apart from being with your children every day which I know is difficult (although when they’re stroppy, moody teens 50/50 gives you a well-earned break!).

Children grow up and leave home. Then what? Imagine yourself at 60, 70, 80 and needing personal care or to give personal care - is he someone you’d want to be with?

That was the catalyst for me - no way did I want to be wiping my ex-husband’s arse, or helping him eat, dress himself etc. He was verbally and emotionally abusive sometimes and absolutely lovely at others. Never knowing which him I’d get was too much for me.

Of course your husband wants to work on the marriage. Divorce is expensive and he now has to do more of the actual parenting and would probably prefer a wife to do it for him. I’m pretty sure he’s thinking of himself here and not you or the children.

A word of warning - be prepared for him to become an absolute wanker if you say you don’t want to work on things. Many men become unrecognisable when this happens and are so foul and vindictive you wonder what you ever saw in them.

@BookishBear For your dc it is better to have a mum who is mentally and physically well, than a mum who slowly unravels in front of them inside a family home and turns into a wreck. Because that is what you'll be if you put yourself back in that toxic environment. It is also messes up your dc and their trust in you/your judgement if you can't make up your mind and go back and forth in this relationship.

Ive been in your shoes and know the longing for family/stability. But you need to know its not real. The real bits are all the shit toxic things he puts you through. You know his real colours. They're not pretty. And when you tell him you won't be coming back, expect them to get even uglier. Because its not you he cares about. It is his own image/comfort that he has lost. Dont be a placeholder for a psycopath.

Absolutely not. I left my husband for the same thing. He went to counselling, understood where it had all gone wrong, and he was perfect for a few months. We decided to give it another go for the kids.
He’s back to the verbally abuse outbursts, and he’s lazier than ever.
Gearing up for our 2nd split now.

Don’t do it to yourself. Especially if he’s trying to twist it to be your fault. That’s abusive in itself.