How would you feel about this new female friend?

[Jucrae]

Ive been with my DH for 6 years. We have a really solid relationship generally but over the summer he went on a holiday with my two teenage step children and I took our younger children away myself and we then all met up and had a shared holiday together. We have my stepkids permanently full time but some things were going on with the oldest and I thought it would be good for him to get time with his dad but also felt like the youngest ones needed a bit of a break from his behaviour. We all had a great time and the space/time together has been brilliant for us as a family and we have all come back a much stronger family unit. The separate holidays was my idea.

Whilst we were doing the separate part of our holidays DH was staying on a campsite and met another couple with kids of a similar age and apparently they all hit it off. They were staying in the campsite for a week at the same time. DH would tell me everything they were doing and it was apparent that the woman was spending a lot of time with DH while her husband was off doing other things. Initially I thought this was just because of the kids spending time together but since they've come home it's come across from my stepsons like they weren't really all that bothered about spending time with her kids but that they got on OK.

The woman has been messaging DH loads since they came home and he's been quite open with me about it. He says that she and her husband want to come and visit us in the UK (they are from Germany) and that she and I would get on really well and they just want to see the UK and it means we could go visit them in Germany. He told her that Im the family organiser and that she should message me to make any plans and gave her my number.

She has since messaged me, her opening line was that she met my husband and family on holiday and that they "had a connection" and she wants to connect with me to because DH said im the organiser. I messaged her back quite friendly saying Id heard a lot about her and it would be lovely to get to know her and when was she thinking of visiting. She replied saying some dates and I told her our plans and when we would be free. She liked the messages but didnt reply. I told DH I wasn't sure how comfortable I was with this and he said if I dont want him to be friends with her he won't be.

This was about a week ago. This morning I couldn't find my phone so used DH's to make a phone call I needed to make to school. After curiosity got the better of me and I looked at the messages between them. There is nothing outright bad but she sends him 100s of messages, he often doesn't reply but then eventually does and they have had long chats over text. Nothing overly worrying on his part although he forwarded on a text I had sent to him about a funny thing my DD had said to me calling my boobs dusty (she was breastfed for a long time but no longer does), she's replied saying that she feels sorry for my DD. She messaged him to tell him she'd messaged me and he said that he might need to convince me about meeting up and she's replied that's fine because even if I dont want to they can still be friends. Then a couple of days after I messaged her in what I thought was fairly friendly and polite she has messaged him saying your wife messaged me and is obviously not convinced. He's not replied.

Ive not told him that I've seen the messages yet.

I have real concerns and doubts over this woman's intentions. I know that DH would cut her off if I ask him to but I dont know if I am being unreasonable to do that? I have a number of male friends so I dont have issues with friends of the opposite sex. He has a couple of female friends but none that he is overly close to. Am I right to be concerned about this friendship? My worry is not that anything has already happened as nothing makes me think that it has, but that the groundwork is being laid for something more.

She is very invested in your H.

And to me him forwarding a text which you must have assumed was a private communication between you and your H is totally inappropriate. What a coincidence that it's about boobs.

Honestly OP I wouldn't want their friendship to develop any further than it already has.

I think you should be having a discussion with him along the lines that you are pleased he enjoyed having a holiday friendship with this couple but that's all it should be: that you really would prefer that now every one is back to their normal life routine then that should be the end of the holiday friendship.
And if he tells you he wants to continue messaging her and wants to see her visit then I would be really concerned about his feelings for her.

That's sounds too friendly. I would tell my husband, that the woman's messages are a bit too much. It seems strange, that this woman would tell your husband about the messages you sent. Why? Also, who sends so many messages in such a short time? If you haven't any ulterior motives, why send so many?

@I think this woman is clearly enamored with your husband. And if your husband sees the woman again, I think she absolutelly will try to hit your husband. I would personally ask my husband to stop all contact. I would also check my husband's cell phone from time to time. I want to believe my husband, but I wouldn't trust the woman at all. I would also block the woman's number and other social media accounts.

Yes. I agree with the first post. You could forgive some of the wording because it's in her second language, ( the bit about having a connection could mean they had common ground/stuff in common), but him forwarding the text about your boobs is a bit over-friendly, IMO.
We've had strong connections with people we've met on holiday but then, back to normal life, it fades. I'd be letting this one fade, I think. She has no reason to send him hundreds of messages.

She sounds bloody batshit. Tell your husband you don't want to meet her and you don't want him continuing the friendship either.

I'm totally easy going about my DH having female friends but this sounds way too intense. I would ask him to cut contact, and see how he reacts.

Whilst from what you said it doesn’t seem that there is anything that means he’s too friendly it’s a slippery slope in my opinion. She seems very very invested in your H. A bit weird. And personally I also wouldn’t have appreciated my H sending a message on that I sent to him without asking him. When I text him or talk to him I assume I’m talking in confidence and vice versa so nothing should be shared outside the marriage - at least that’s how we are. For you to have mentioned it in the op I would guess it bothered you too so I think a word with him and cards on the table is the best way forward.

I'd be non too keen but would talk to my DH and share what I'd seen. I'd be very annoyed about the boobs joke. Feels disloyal and a tad flirtatious.

Have you seen a picture of her is what I'd want to know. Is she is type? Similar age? Could you envisage any attraction? Great to meet people and have a connection but she clearly sees you as. hurdle she must overcome to see him again. It's hardly couple focussed is it?

I think men can be very naive and women can be very manipulative.

She’s seriously into your DH isn’t she?

Serious question: are they swingers?

I'm getting swinger vibes too!

Both me and DH have had some 'misunderstandings' with couples on holiday, when we thought they were just being friendly, but actually they wanted more. We still laugh about it now (especially as it was the husband hitting on my DH, with me completely oblivious).

It's happened to other friends too.

Some cultures are way more open than us.

Eithervway, 100s of messages isn't on.

I never thought about that but it could be a real possibility.

I must say I would be a bit uncomfortable about the discussion with this woman in which he has referred to OP as " the organiser".
Firstly it makes it sound as though OP 's relationship with her H is more of a practical business one rather than a loving partnership. It sort of implies emotional distance between him and his wife.
Secondly it's almost as though they realise if they get this trip planned with the blessing of his wife then they can see each other again as opposed to the pair of them organising the meet up together and his wife being suspicious.

Thanks for the replies.

The swingers thing had initially crossed my mind and I even asked him but he's adamant they're not.

Him forwarding on my message did bother me because I had no idea he had forwarded anything I sent him on to anyone else but prior to that he had been mentioning me a lot in his messages and he forwarded it on saying, you need to see what Jucrae just sent me, it's hilarious. I had written it as a pretty funny story so I kind of read it a bit as him continuing to drop me into the conversation, but she then made a comment about 'old and dusty boobs' (there was no mention of old in my story) and that she feels sorry for my daughter.

I agree that she is definitely enamoured with him. DH is very attractive, he often gets told he looks like a combination of Brad Pitt and Guy Pearce. Twice I have been with him when women have actively tried it on with him in front of me, despite it being very clear that we are together. One time we were in a bar and I went to the toilet and when i came back a woman from a couple of tables over was standing over him saying, "i know you're with someone but if you ditch her you can come back to mine and I'll give you the night of your life". I stood right behind her and DH just nodded towards me over her shoulder and she turned and looked at me then ran back to her table.
Ive seen photos of her, mainly ones DH has taken of the kids and she's in the background. She's much slimmer than me as she's quite thin and Ive put a weight since having kids but apart from that I wouldnt see her and think she is someone he would tend to be attracted to and even then, DH has never made me feel like he's not attracted to me since putting on the weight.

I think I'll tell him that I'm not comfortable with the friendship and hopefully he will cut it off.

She just sounds to me like one of those ‘come on too strong’ people who sort of march straight into doing things or relationships and don’t have great social skills, and who, for cultural reasons, don’t really understand someone from a less direct culture trying to communicate rather less interest.

I once houseshared in Ireland with a woman who’d met a German GP on holiday, hit it off, and he came to visit her, they had a nice time, and the next thing I knew, he’d quit his job in Germany, got a locum position near us, and wanted to move in. She was initially charmed by his directness and the way he just went straight for whatever he wanted, but in not very long it started to annoy her, and I think the relationship was over within two or three months.

I mean, I’m not sure why the focus here is on ‘convincing’ you. It’s not a legal case! Does your husband really want to be visited by someone he met on holiday who’s been bombarding him with messages since, which he often doesn’t reply to? Is he actually hoping you’ll lose your shit and get him out of it all? Because that’s what it sounds like to me.

Sounds like she wants your dh and straight away you’re the enemy to her

She sounds way too full on. At first I thought she was just friendly and her husband and kids were the same, she was just kind of organising things for the whole family.

But all these texts and saying you don't sound convinced? You said you wanted to meet her and asked when? That's perfectly open and friendly.

It's like she's trying to build a secrecy around their contact? By saying 'oh, your wife doesn't like me' from the off.

Maybe you should start texting with her husband?! Obviously you wouldn't as you don't know him. But I can't blame you for thinking she's crossing too many boundaries.

Donald and Jaqueline vibes (Benidorm)

What does she look like op.

I don't want to be nasty about her appearance but she's very unassuming. There's nothing particularly unattractive about her but also nothing particularly attractive. She looks very petite and thin, but kind of sinewy thin, not fit-slim (before putting on the weight i was very fit and slim and all of DH's other ex-girlfriends were of a similar build, slim but strong and fit, not skinny). She has mousy brown/dark blonde hair and in all the photos I saw her hair was back in a pony tail. She isn't someone I would look at and see as a potential threat to my relationship based on physical appearances but I know that it doesn't always come down to that and I feel like she's maybe trying to build an emotional connection that just wouldnt be appropriate and could potentially lead to something else. DH mentioned me a lot in his messages but she doesn't mention her husband, she does talk about her kids a lot though and tends to use things they've been doing as openers to conversation when DH hasn't replied, sending photos of her kids and telling DH what they've been up to.

She's a weirdo and I'd be getting rid.

As your husband has said he won't be friends with her if you don't want him to, I'd be taking that route.

Also, I dont know if this is me reading into things but we are both blended families and I get a sense that maybe hers isn't in as good a place as ours is, I have a great relationship with my stepkids but from things that DH has said I dont think she gets on so well with her stepkids, they live with their mum and only see their dad for parts of the school holidays. Her stepkids came for part of their holiday and that seemed to be when she spent the most time with DH. DH is very good with kids and very hands on, he rock climbs (so does her husband which is how they all started talking) and while her husband seemed to go off himself to climb on their holiday, DH would climb with DSC and so she would go along with her kids and he would be helping them climbing as well. I kind of wonder if she feels like DH was filling a role that her DH wasn't and she is starting to try to foster something deeper with him based on that. I dont knoe if this is just me creating stories in my mind though but to me it would make sense.

The old dusty boobs comment would be enough for me to say "this stops right now". Who the fuck does she think she is?! Trying to foster a conspiracy of laughing at you - no, that's completely out of order.

Honestly OP, its not worth the aggro, tell him to finish the friendship. It was only a week and she does sound as if she has hidden intentions.

It sounds like she was filling a role for your DH as well to be fair, or why did they all spend so much time together when the kids weren't fussed? I think it's a shame he turned the time you as a family had made for him and his kids into something involving blending with another family unit instead. I can see where she'd get her ideas

I dont really agree with this tbh. My DSC, particularly the oldest, aren't great socially so DH is constantly looking for opportunities to try to help them make friends, sometimes too hard and Ive raised this with him in the past and told him that there's a point at which he just needs to step back and not push it too far because it makes it more awkward for them, so I can very much see him seeing an opportunity for the kids to make some friends and interact more with kids their age and doing what he can to encourage that.

Go with your gut and as you both don’t need new friends especially one that make you feel uncomfortable cut them/block them now

Oh come on - no question here this is totally inappropriate! Hundreds of messages and she is slyly digging at you - 'your wife isn't convinced'

That is a deliberate effort to bring him and her inside a circle that you are outside of - ie. 'you and me against wifey we don't need her'

who honestly gives that much of shit about seeing someone they spent a bit of time with on holiday. If she was just 'friendly' she would send one or two messages.

She is outright flirting with your husband - there is absolutely no way any sane human would not see this.

If he is objectively good looking then she is enjoying the flirtation and trying to build a connection even if she isn't entirely focused on 'pulling him etc.

I think your husband is being very silly - this isn't healthy to allow in a good relationship. I would ignore completely how she looks it's not at all relevant - he might be enjoying the attention regardless.