How would you feel about this new female friend?

[Jucrae]

Ive been with my DH for 6 years. We have a really solid relationship generally but over the summer he went on a holiday with my two teenage step children and I took our younger children away myself and we then all met up and had a shared holiday together. We have my stepkids permanently full time but some things were going on with the oldest and I thought it would be good for him to get time with his dad but also felt like the youngest ones needed a bit of a break from his behaviour. We all had a great time and the space/time together has been brilliant for us as a family and we have all come back a much stronger family unit. The separate holidays was my idea.

Whilst we were doing the separate part of our holidays DH was staying on a campsite and met another couple with kids of a similar age and apparently they all hit it off. They were staying in the campsite for a week at the same time. DH would tell me everything they were doing and it was apparent that the woman was spending a lot of time with DH while her husband was off doing other things. Initially I thought this was just because of the kids spending time together but since they've come home it's come across from my stepsons like they weren't really all that bothered about spending time with her kids but that they got on OK.

The woman has been messaging DH loads since they came home and he's been quite open with me about it. He says that she and her husband want to come and visit us in the UK (they are from Germany) and that she and I would get on really well and they just want to see the UK and it means we could go visit them in Germany. He told her that Im the family organiser and that she should message me to make any plans and gave her my number.

She has since messaged me, her opening line was that she met my husband and family on holiday and that they "had a connection" and she wants to connect with me to because DH said im the organiser. I messaged her back quite friendly saying Id heard a lot about her and it would be lovely to get to know her and when was she thinking of visiting. She replied saying some dates and I told her our plans and when we would be free. She liked the messages but didnt reply. I told DH I wasn't sure how comfortable I was with this and he said if I dont want him to be friends with her he won't be.

This was about a week ago. This morning I couldn't find my phone so used DH's to make a phone call I needed to make to school. After curiosity got the better of me and I looked at the messages between them. There is nothing outright bad but she sends him 100s of messages, he often doesn't reply but then eventually does and they have had long chats over text. Nothing overly worrying on his part although he forwarded on a text I had sent to him about a funny thing my DD had said to me calling my boobs dusty (she was breastfed for a long time but no longer does), she's replied saying that she feels sorry for my DD. She messaged him to tell him she'd messaged me and he said that he might need to convince me about meeting up and she's replied that's fine because even if I dont want to they can still be friends. Then a couple of days after I messaged her in what I thought was fairly friendly and polite she has messaged him saying your wife messaged me and is obviously not convinced. He's not replied.

Ive not told him that I've seen the messages yet.

I have real concerns and doubts over this woman's intentions. I know that DH would cut her off if I ask him to but I dont know if I am being unreasonable to do that? I have a number of male friends so I dont have issues with friends of the opposite sex. He has a couple of female friends but none that he is overly close to. Am I right to be concerned about this friendship? My worry is not that anything has already happened as nothing makes me think that it has, but that the groundwork is being laid for something more.

All the replies have made me realise this. I genuinely did wonder if I was overthinking because I have some male friends who I am close to and will spend time with without my husband however these are friends that I have had since long before I even knew my husband. I had also wondered if her contacting me was maybe an indication that she only wanted our families to meet and become more friendly but it was my husband who told her to message me and her response to him that I need convincing seems to be a way of her trying to make out like she tried but i wasn't open so she needs to continue going through him. I'm going to talk to him tonight.

He's loving the attention. Read up on emotional affairs. Have a calm discussion on boundaries / emotional affairs. If he can't show you the messages he already knows he's overstepped the mark.

He needs to calm down his middle age horny, and think what he wants here. Divorce is a pain in the arse and not worth it for an old man ego boost.
You need to have a think if you want to remain in the relationship, why should he have all the fun?

Let the both know you have seen the sneeky messages & you are not impressed, spell out emotional affair to both of them & put an end to the exciting, sneeky bond

Hundreds of messages!? That alone doesn’t feel right from a married woman to a married man.

She’s probably bored in her own relationship and latched onto your H because he replies to all her texts. He needs to taper this off or it will cause bigger problems. Id maybe even, if he leaves his phone one time and she messages, respond and write your name at the end, so shes aware youre reading, i bet she will back off.

Ahh, you snooped in his phone though, he might not take kindly to that

She's after shagging him

And we all know it

Your dh knows it

You know it

She knows it

Come on op, you're not that green

To be honest I know that he won't. He doesn't hide his phone and I know his password and can easily pick it up and use it if I need to but he won't like that I've gone through his messages.

Yes it's not great that you did that to be honest, but I definitely get why you did it.

Maybe you can position it to your husband that it's not him you don't trust, it's her.

he forwarded on a text I had sent to him about a funny thing my DD had said to me calling my boobs dusty (she was breastfed for a long time but no longer does), she's replied saying that she feels sorry for my DD.

Whaaaat? How dare they! That was extremely disrespectful of him, and she is an out and out bitch who is clearly interested in more than friendship with your husband. Don't even consider being friends with somebody who says she feels sorry for your daughter being breastfed by you for a long time. What a vile thing to say, and your husband should have shut her down immediately for that.

Haven't spoken to him in detail yet because the kids were around but earlier I brought up holiday plans for next year and asked what's his thoughts on meeting with his family. He said, "i dunno what were you thinking?" And I said, "to be honest I feel a bit weird about it all and I dont really want to meet up for an extended period with some random folk I've never met and you have only known a week or have them come stay in our home". He said, "fair enough, Im not too fussed about meeting up with them either, it just seemed nice to be nice ao when they've suggested it i thought maybe it was a nice idea but if you dont want to we won't."

Have debated with myself whether or not to just message her now I have her number saying that DH and I have talked through our holiday plans for next year and it doesn't look like it will be possible for us to meet up after all. Or do I speak to DH in more detail to make sure that he's the one to cut the cord?

Nah I'd just message exactly as you've said and ask him to block her.
I had a random Facebook friend who started making meeting up plans and it all felt too weird. That's what block is for.

I think he needs to shut it all down himself.

She will not believe it otherwise if it comes from you.

She is very very keen on your husband. He isn’t adverse to the flattering attention either.

It’s all a bit weird and intense on her part. And a bit weird and vague on his part.

Id keep an eye on this and definitely do not meet for holidays or anything like that.

Your husband hasn’t acted in any way that would show him to be untrustworthy. I would shut it down with this woman and tell her meeting up won’t work. Then ask him in a few weeks if she’s still messaging him. If he says yes tell him it makes you uncomfortable. From everything you said and have seen there is no reason to assume he wouldn’t agree.

I have a distant friend like this , she’s a very nice lady , quite intense and she’s German, but lives here . I just know she would be like this too and be somewhat thick skinned when acting a bit inappropriate- my H is good looking too and always says she is far too ‘tactile ‘ for his liking and others I know have said the same . I think the 100s of messages for me would be a no - I’m getting bunny boiler vibes

Have spoken to him about it, I didnt tell him I had read the messages but told him that I had seen there was a lot of messages between them and that she had sent lots and that it made me uncomfortable. He assured me that there was nothing in it and that he just thought that both her and her husband were nice people, in a similar situation to us, with children of a similar age and with similar interests so it would be nice to keep in touch and he was open to their suggestion of meeting again but that he understands my reticence as he would also be reticent about it. He has said again that if Im not comfortable he will cut it off and I said well Im not comfortable with it and he said that's fine and he'll cut contact but that he thinks it's a bit of a double standard as I have male friends and he doesn't always feel comfortable about it (I have 3 particularly close male friends, one has been a friend for over 20 years, the other 2 for about 10) as I go hiking with 2 of these friends so we spend long days in the hills together, sometimes as a group but sometimes 1 on 1 if the other can't come. He has made a couple of comments in the past but I always thought they were just jokey quips and I didnt realise that it bothered him before but I feel like it's quite a different situation to the one between him and this woman.

Hmmm, so he's not actually happy to cut contact really, is he...? 🤔

Unless your men friends are texting you constantly and making nasty comments about feeling sorry for your daughter because of your husband's parenting, it's not remotely the same.
I'd tell him he's welcome to go along on those hikes if he's so uncomfortable with them.

She doesn’t just want to be friends does she.

I’ve got a relatively new male friend and one of the things I purposely do is never comment on his wife except in a light touch positive way. For instance I might say “glad she had a great time” if he tells me she’s been away for the weekend, but I’d never say anything like “I don’t think she’s convinced” or “I feel sorry for DD”. That for me is the bit that shows how much she is overstepping.

if he says he won’t be friends with her if you don’t want to, I’d go for that option in this circumstance - she sounds like a whole heap of trouble. I am not against men and women being friends etc but sometimes just listen to your gut.

same as poster above - if he won’t end the friendship or continues it without you knowing that tells you all you need to know really.

It will be telling if he does cut contact. I wouldn’t like it one bit if I were you.

So he claimed to understand but then pushed back, accused you of double standards, and compared apples and oranges.

@Jucrae, there can be no reasonable comparison of your 3 long-term male friends who are respectful of your marriage and your H’s brand-new acquaintance and her inappropriate OTT messaging and divisive negging of you.

Lines are being crossed. H’s claim that ‘there’s nothing in it’ doesn’t hold water. This woman is clearly smitten and has an agenda to pursue him and marginalize you.

H isn’t blameless. I get the feeling that he is flattered by her attention and felt validated by his ‘supportive-guy’ role during the trip.

Now she is reaching out with hundreds of messages and H is participating in long exchanges. They are united in a narrative to ‘convince’ you to welcome her and her family. Although you responded positively to her and offered available dates, she lied to H that you weren’t yet amenable.

It was shitty of H share your message re your daughter’s comment about your breasts. This was a breach of your privacy and marital communication. She then used that as ammunition to put you down, adding ‘old’ to DD’s remark and expressing pity for her.

@Jucrae, H opened this window to her and now he needs to firmly shut it. No further contact. Personally, I would shine a light on the crossed boundaries in their messages, as this needs to be addressed.

I am going to go with a contrary view to what everyone else is telling you so brace yourself!!

I don't think he's wrong to mention your male friends. I'd listen to him on that if I were you because I do think he's been rather accommodating to you on that...

Long 1 on 1 days spent in the hills together, I mean I would let my husband do that because I trust him but it'd always be bugging at the back of my mind, just a tiny bit. Maybe it's bugging at his.

And like it or not you ARE asking him not to have a female friend. And one of the main the reasons you don't want him to have her is because you have read his messages. If you hadn't read them then the only thing you would have, is the bugging at the back of your mind.

Has he read your messages to your male friends? No? So he trusts you then. Plus you've basically lied to him about not reading them!

Oh and having read his messages, you've discovered that your husband can be trusted anyway!

Sorry just one final thing - I actually do think you're doing the right thing when it comes to this woman, because she does seem a bit off. My rant above is about your relationship with him now. I think you need to cut him some slack and he's not wrong to bring up your male friends in the context of the conversation you had with him.

hell to the no

I would hate this whole thing! Especially if he's exceptionally attractive