Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How would you feel about this new female friend?

155 replies

Jucrae · 18/09/2025 09:45

Ive been with my DH for 6 years. We have a really solid relationship generally but over the summer he went on a holiday with my two teenage step children and I took our younger children away myself and we then all met up and had a shared holiday together. We have my stepkids permanently full time but some things were going on with the oldest and I thought it would be good for him to get time with his dad but also felt like the youngest ones needed a bit of a break from his behaviour. We all had a great time and the space/time together has been brilliant for us as a family and we have all come back a much stronger family unit. The separate holidays was my idea.

Whilst we were doing the separate part of our holidays DH was staying on a campsite and met another couple with kids of a similar age and apparently they all hit it off. They were staying in the campsite for a week at the same time. DH would tell me everything they were doing and it was apparent that the woman was spending a lot of time with DH while her husband was off doing other things. Initially I thought this was just because of the kids spending time together but since they've come home it's come across from my stepsons like they weren't really all that bothered about spending time with her kids but that they got on OK.

The woman has been messaging DH loads since they came home and he's been quite open with me about it. He says that she and her husband want to come and visit us in the UK (they are from Germany) and that she and I would get on really well and they just want to see the UK and it means we could go visit them in Germany. He told her that Im the family organiser and that she should message me to make any plans and gave her my number.

She has since messaged me, her opening line was that she met my husband and family on holiday and that they "had a connection" and she wants to connect with me to because DH said im the organiser. I messaged her back quite friendly saying Id heard a lot about her and it would be lovely to get to know her and when was she thinking of visiting. She replied saying some dates and I told her our plans and when we would be free. She liked the messages but didnt reply. I told DH I wasn't sure how comfortable I was with this and he said if I dont want him to be friends with her he won't be.

This was about a week ago. This morning I couldn't find my phone so used DH's to make a phone call I needed to make to school. After curiosity got the better of me and I looked at the messages between them. There is nothing outright bad but she sends him 100s of messages, he often doesn't reply but then eventually does and they have had long chats over text. Nothing overly worrying on his part although he forwarded on a text I had sent to him about a funny thing my DD had said to me calling my boobs dusty (she was breastfed for a long time but no longer does), she's replied saying that she feels sorry for my DD. She messaged him to tell him she'd messaged me and he said that he might need to convince me about meeting up and she's replied that's fine because even if I dont want to they can still be friends. Then a couple of days after I messaged her in what I thought was fairly friendly and polite she has messaged him saying your wife messaged me and is obviously not convinced. He's not replied.

Ive not told him that I've seen the messages yet.

I have real concerns and doubts over this woman's intentions. I know that DH would cut her off if I ask him to but I dont know if I am being unreasonable to do that? I have a number of male friends so I dont have issues with friends of the opposite sex. He has a couple of female friends but none that he is overly close to. Am I right to be concerned about this friendship? My worry is not that anything has already happened as nothing makes me think that it has, but that the groundwork is being laid for something more.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jucrae · 19/09/2025 08:47

VoodooQualities · 19/09/2025 08:07

I am going to go with a contrary view to what everyone else is telling you so brace yourself!!

I don't think he's wrong to mention your male friends. I'd listen to him on that if I were you because I do think he's been rather accommodating to you on that...

Long 1 on 1 days spent in the hills together, I mean I would let my husband do that because I trust him but it'd always be bugging at the back of my mind, just a tiny bit. Maybe it's bugging at his.

And like it or not you ARE asking him not to have a female friend. And one of the main the reasons you don't want him to have her is because you have read his messages. If you hadn't read them then the only thing you would have, is the bugging at the back of your mind.

Has he read your messages to your male friends? No? So he trusts you then. Plus you've basically lied to him about not reading them!

Edited

I think you're right with most of this. I shouldn't have read his messages and it's not something that I would usually do but I knew he was getting lots through from this woman and then he's suggesting us meeting up so when I was using his phone for something else I took the chance to look to see for myself what the deal was and I think by looking I now know what the deal is. As far as I know DH hasn't looked at my messages between my male friends but if he ever did he wouldnt find anything of any concern. My oldest male friend and I tend to message to arrange meeting up, which happens every couple of months. He's the type of guy who always has a partner and never does anything without them so anytime we meet his partner is always there so there's zero to worry about there. The other two friends we have a group chat of all 3 of us and all communication goes via there. If he ever looked he would just see us planning and arranging hill days and the odd bit of random chat or banter, with absolutely nothing that is untoward or oversteps any boundaries. There would be absolutely nothing negative or even close to negative about him or any other partners. I would have no issue with showing him any messages sent or received because there would be absolutely nothing of concern.

I maybe shouldn't have looked but I did because I knew something wasnt right and found some things that aren't 100% innocent so my gut was right about it.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 19/09/2025 08:49

Tell him that if any of your male friends had given you any sense that they wanted more than a friendship they wouldn't be still friends after all these years.
That its fine to have opposite sex friends if they dont immediately try and get the other partners back up or cross boundaries like this woman is already doing.

sesquipedalian · 19/09/2025 08:53

“The woman has been messaging DH loads since they came home”
“There is nothing outright bad but she sends him 100s of messages”

She’s needy, and your DH is flattered. Big red flag. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩I’d want to end this “friendship” at the first possible opportunity.

harriethoyle · 19/09/2025 08:54

I think there’s an element of you wanting to have your cake and eat it. You’re bang on about this woman who should definitely get in the sea but you’re making a huge ask of your husband in accepting, without complaint, long one on one hikes with male friends. He has to trust your words there’s nothing boundary crossing about that. You now know he feels a bit uncomfortable about that - and have deliberately ignored his hints about that over the years. I can’t really see why you’re not stepping back a bit from those friendships when you know they make him uncomfortable but he has to for you.

Original poster
Jucrae · 19/09/2025 08:55

IReallyLikeYorkshire · 19/09/2025 08:28

I would hate this whole thing! Especially if he's exceptionally attractive

And that's something, I'm overweight now (working on that) and people could very easily look at us and think, "how did that happen?" And a woman who is confident in herself and who wants him might think that they have a shot even with me around (although the times when women very obviously tried it on with him in front of me was pre-kids when I was slim and fit and more on his level). It's not that I have an issue with him having female friends but i think he likely doesn't have many because any he has had have always wanted more than a friendship. The couple that he does have are childhood family friends and he doesn't ever meet up with them, they just message and catch up every now and again which I think is normal.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jucrae · 19/09/2025 09:16

harriethoyle · 19/09/2025 08:54

I think there’s an element of you wanting to have your cake and eat it. You’re bang on about this woman who should definitely get in the sea but you’re making a huge ask of your husband in accepting, without complaint, long one on one hikes with male friends. He has to trust your words there’s nothing boundary crossing about that. You now know he feels a bit uncomfortable about that - and have deliberately ignored his hints about that over the years. I can’t really see why you’re not stepping back a bit from those friendships when you know they make him uncomfortable but he has to for you.

I can see this perspective but I think it's different. My friendships haven't crossed any boundaries. We dont have loads of 1 on 1 walks, it's happened twice this year though because each time of of the guys couldn't make it so I had one walk with one of them and one walk with another, usually we go out as a three and even as a three it's not all that often, we had one walk as a three this year. Our relationship has been this way since many years before I ever met DH, nothing has changed. This woman is a new relationship and the messages show that boundaries are being overstepped.

OP posts:
harriethoyle · 19/09/2025 09:20

Jucrae · 19/09/2025 09:16

I can see this perspective but I think it's different. My friendships haven't crossed any boundaries. We dont have loads of 1 on 1 walks, it's happened twice this year though because each time of of the guys couldn't make it so I had one walk with one of them and one walk with another, usually we go out as a three and even as a three it's not all that often, we had one walk as a three this year. Our relationship has been this way since many years before I ever met DH, nothing has changed. This woman is a new relationship and the messages show that boundaries are being overstepped.

Show quote history

And if that’s how you want to justify it, that’s up to you. But ask yourself this - why wouldn’t you modify a friendship which makes your husband feel uncomfortable but he has to cut one off that makes you feel uncomfortable, when HE hasn’t done anything wrong? 🤷🏻‍♀️ I guess I just think you’re teetering towards a situation where DH feels resentful and that you’re being a hypocrite and that seems to me a breeding ground for problems…

summitfever · 19/09/2025 09:24

This needs nipped in the bud. He needs to see this can only go one way, south!

Original poster
Jucrae · 19/09/2025 09:27

harriethoyle · 19/09/2025 09:20

And if that’s how you want to justify it, that’s up to you. But ask yourself this - why wouldn’t you modify a friendship which makes your husband feel uncomfortable but he has to cut one off that makes you feel uncomfortable, when HE hasn’t done anything wrong? 🤷🏻‍♀️ I guess I just think you’re teetering towards a situation where DH feels resentful and that you’re being a hypocrite and that seems to me a breeding ground for problems…

Show quote history

If my friends crossed boundaries then I would 100% cut off those friendships.

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 19/09/2025 09:30

She sounds like she’s trying to create divides I would ask him to block her

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 19/09/2025 09:30

No good will come of this

OchreRaven · 19/09/2025 09:31

I don’t think you automatically need to change the dynamic with your existing male friends without a proper conversation with your DH. Ask him if he is genuinely bothered by it or was just making a point because of this new friendship with this woman.

If he is upset by it then figure out why and come to a mutual decision on what changes would help make him feel comfortable. I also wouldn’t demand he ends the friendship but say that the number of messages makes you feel like she has ulterior motives and you would rather dial it back to an appropriate level. It’s up to him if he chooses to cut contact but you aren’t comfortable with them coming to visit as she is a stranger to you.

It shouldn’t be one rule for you and another for him but her approach isn’t appropriate even if it’s innocent.

stayathomegardener · 19/09/2025 09:48

Personally I would ask your DH if you can read their messages to reassure yourself because your gut says something is off.

He in turn can read your messages to your male friends and then discuss where your boundaries lie.

I honestly think I would need him to realise how inappropriate sharing your boob comment was combined with her response.

Original poster
Jucrae · 19/09/2025 09:59

OchreRaven · 19/09/2025 09:31

I don’t think you automatically need to change the dynamic with your existing male friends without a proper conversation with your DH. Ask him if he is genuinely bothered by it or was just making a point because of this new friendship with this woman.

If he is upset by it then figure out why and come to a mutual decision on what changes would help make him feel comfortable. I also wouldn’t demand he ends the friendship but say that the number of messages makes you feel like she has ulterior motives and you would rather dial it back to an appropriate level. It’s up to him if he chooses to cut contact but you aren’t comfortable with them coming to visit as she is a stranger to you.

It shouldn’t be one rule for you and another for him but her approach isn’t appropriate even if it’s innocent.

Ive been thinking about it and the comments on here regarding it and while I do think that there's a difference, if he genuinely is uncomfortable about it I would be happy to stop the 1 on 1 walks (which are few and far between anyway) and just go when we are in a group, which I think would be a fair compromise.

OP posts:
MouseCheese87 · 19/09/2025 10:01

No one goes that full on with someone they've only just met unless they are giving them something they want or hopeful that something will progress. Ask him to block her. It's not a hard ask. You're his wife, she's someone he barely knows who lives in another country. There's no need for this level of communication between them.

harriethoyle · 19/09/2025 10:16

@Jucrae I think that’s a very fair compromise

GAJLY · 19/09/2025 10:41

It is werid for her to want to come and stay with you, considering she's never you and only known your husband for a week! So strange! For me it would be a no for the visit however did you want them to stay, so they can reciprocate your stay in Germany? Might be worth it?

IReallyLikeYorkshire · 19/09/2025 11:43

Jucrae · 19/09/2025 08:55

And that's something, I'm overweight now (working on that) and people could very easily look at us and think, "how did that happen?" And a woman who is confident in herself and who wants him might think that they have a shot even with me around (although the times when women very obviously tried it on with him in front of me was pre-kids when I was slim and fit and more on his level). It's not that I have an issue with him having female friends but i think he likely doesn't have many because any he has had have always wanted more than a friendship. The couple that he does have are childhood family friends and he doesn't ever meet up with them, they just message and catch up every now and again which I think is normal.

Show quote history

Yep. She's just some random woman he chatted to now and then because they happened to be on the same holiday there's no need to be all over the top staying in touch when you don't even live in the same country. If she was a potential neighbour or colleague maybe there'd be a need to make slightly more effort but even then if she's being this full on... nah. She's giving you anxiety and she's therefore making your life harder. She isn't welcome OR wanted. Fuck her off.

LorrieTosh · 19/09/2025 12:19

Jucrae · 19/09/2025 09:59

Ive been thinking about it and the comments on here regarding it and while I do think that there's a difference, if he genuinely is uncomfortable about it I would be happy to stop the 1 on 1 walks (which are few and far between anyway) and just go when we are in a group, which I think would be a fair compromise.

Show quote history

I think this is very fair, and also shows his “double standards” accusation to be false.

If he’d ever sat you down and told you he was uncomfortable you’d have already found a compromise, but I suspect he isn’t as bothered as he’s making out. It seems he’s using your friends to highlight how ‘reasonable’ he’s been, imply you have to do the same for him, and make you back down so he can continue chatting to her guilt-free.

Have you told him you messaged her, you were friendly, but she’s blanked you? I wonder what he’d say if you asked what reason she’d given for coming back to him to continue discussing plans.

HardyCrow · 19/09/2025 18:22

Gotback · 18/09/2025 12:03

The old dusty boobs comment would be enough for me to say "this stops right now". Who the fuck does she think she is?! Trying to foster a conspiracy of laughing at you - no, that's completely out of order.

Definitely this

TheBucketWomen · 19/09/2025 18:32

A woman speaking to a married man. She knows exactly what she is doing.

ChippyChipsChippyChips · 19/09/2025 18:45

She’s given herself away by messaging your husband and mentioning that she thinks you might be feeling uncomfortable. If she thought that for even a second, she should have immediately backed off from any contact with him. Unless, of course, she’s saying that because she’s trying start a conversation where they cross boundaries to discuss why you might be feeling uncomfortable.

But why would he, or she, if they had good intentions, be so invested in a new platonic friendship that they’d cause an issue with your marriage for the sake of a new acquaintance met recently on a holiday.

Editing to add - your husband’s initial responses seemed positive when he said he’d cut contact, but when you took him up on it, he immediately deflected it back onto you. That’s not great, it’s as though he wanted to offer it to look like he was in good faith, but when you actually took him up on it…

Rhaidimiddim · 19/09/2025 18:45

Whenthetimeisright · 18/09/2025 10:05

She is very invested in your H.

And to me him forwarding a text which you must have assumed was a private communication between you and your H is totally inappropriate. What a coincidence that it's about boobs.

Honestly OP I wouldn't want their friendship to develop any further than it already has.

I think you should be having a discussion with him along the lines that you are pleased he enjoyed having a holiday friendship with this couple but that's all it should be: that you really would prefer that now every one is back to their normal life routine then that should be the end of the holiday friendship.
And if he tells you he wants to continue messaging her and wants to see her visit then I would be really concerned about his feelings for her.

I agree 100%
The numerous messages are a real red flag.
Tell your DH you've seen the messages and think she is a problem in the making if he continues to be in touch with her.

GiveDogBone · 19/09/2025 18:54

She’s German? I would put 90% of this down to cultural differences. Continental people are just much more friendly with strangers than British people are.

As for the “swingers” thing from some posters, that’s just ridiculous. I mean if you were a swinger I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t search for partners in a different country when one partner wasn’t present.

Finally the root problem seems to be your insecurity (your comment she’s thinner than you, your husband is attractive to other people, etc). He’s going to find you controlling if you go through messages on his phone and tell him who he can and can’t be friends with - mainly because you are.

arcticpandas · 19/09/2025 18:57

Oh, I wouldn't host a strange German woman who's been messing my DH non-stop. Not even about jealousy or boundaries for me. The fact is : he doesn't know this woman. One week is nothing. She might be batshit crazy and never leave. She might shit on your carpet, be a drug addict or a criminal. It just sounds crazy inviting strangers into your home, especially when you have young children.