How would you feel about this new female friend?

[Jucrae]

Ive been with my DH for 6 years. We have a really solid relationship generally but over the summer he went on a holiday with my two teenage step children and I took our younger children away myself and we then all met up and had a shared holiday together. We have my stepkids permanently full time but some things were going on with the oldest and I thought it would be good for him to get time with his dad but also felt like the youngest ones needed a bit of a break from his behaviour. We all had a great time and the space/time together has been brilliant for us as a family and we have all come back a much stronger family unit. The separate holidays was my idea.

Whilst we were doing the separate part of our holidays DH was staying on a campsite and met another couple with kids of a similar age and apparently they all hit it off. They were staying in the campsite for a week at the same time. DH would tell me everything they were doing and it was apparent that the woman was spending a lot of time with DH while her husband was off doing other things. Initially I thought this was just because of the kids spending time together but since they've come home it's come across from my stepsons like they weren't really all that bothered about spending time with her kids but that they got on OK.

The woman has been messaging DH loads since they came home and he's been quite open with me about it. He says that she and her husband want to come and visit us in the UK (they are from Germany) and that she and I would get on really well and they just want to see the UK and it means we could go visit them in Germany. He told her that Im the family organiser and that she should message me to make any plans and gave her my number.

She has since messaged me, her opening line was that she met my husband and family on holiday and that they "had a connection" and she wants to connect with me to because DH said im the organiser. I messaged her back quite friendly saying Id heard a lot about her and it would be lovely to get to know her and when was she thinking of visiting. She replied saying some dates and I told her our plans and when we would be free. She liked the messages but didnt reply. I told DH I wasn't sure how comfortable I was with this and he said if I dont want him to be friends with her he won't be.

This was about a week ago. This morning I couldn't find my phone so used DH's to make a phone call I needed to make to school. After curiosity got the better of me and I looked at the messages between them. There is nothing outright bad but she sends him 100s of messages, he often doesn't reply but then eventually does and they have had long chats over text. Nothing overly worrying on his part although he forwarded on a text I had sent to him about a funny thing my DD had said to me calling my boobs dusty (she was breastfed for a long time but no longer does), she's replied saying that she feels sorry for my DD. She messaged him to tell him she'd messaged me and he said that he might need to convince me about meeting up and she's replied that's fine because even if I dont want to they can still be friends. Then a couple of days after I messaged her in what I thought was fairly friendly and polite she has messaged him saying your wife messaged me and is obviously not convinced. He's not replied.

Ive not told him that I've seen the messages yet.

I have real concerns and doubts over this woman's intentions. I know that DH would cut her off if I ask him to but I dont know if I am being unreasonable to do that? I have a number of male friends so I dont have issues with friends of the opposite sex. He has a couple of female friends but none that he is overly close to. Am I right to be concerned about this friendship? My worry is not that anything has already happened as nothing makes me think that it has, but that the groundwork is being laid for something more.

Oh, I wouldn't host a strange German woman who's been messing my DH non-stop. Not even about jealousy or boundaries for me. The fact is : he doesn't know this woman. One week is nothing. She might be batshit crazy and never leave. She might shit on your carpet, be a drug addict or a criminal. It just sounds crazy inviting strangers into your home, especially when you have young children.

No, it’s not OP’s fault. She’s doing just fine in addressing this and asserting her boundaries. And if cultural differences mean excessively messaging somebody’s husband after such brief contact, when also acknowledging the wife is uncomfortable, then those cultural differences aren’t OP’s problem to address.

I disagree. Op has been very clear about how things work with her friends she walks with. It’s a stable and very open platonic relationship. The situation with dp is entirely different and concerning.

I agree, intense boundary crossing communication with someone he’s only just met who wants to stay, it’s unnecessary.

i’d also say that it’s notable that he only rolled out the concerns about her friendships at the point that she took him up on his offer to discontinue the contact with the woman. It’s as though he didn’t make that offer in good faith. That’s concerning.

Hey op she seems too keen on coming to the uk are they after you hosting them? The fact you didn’t meet her would make me think why would I? It’s a holiday thing most people say things but never follow them through. I would just say it’s not going to work for me she seems more interested in dh and tell him this. You might need to be prepared to block her.

Really? Because I’m German and this all sounds so ungerman to me. Especially the sending 100s of texts.

She might be hoping to recruit you into her MLM

I would be inclined to agree, but I was responding to the poster that suggested it was due to cultural differences. I think it’s inappropriate, regardless, however!

I said this to him and he's actually agreed and said he gets it, we dont know them and it's likely not a good idea. He has agreed to cut contact, he hasn't said he would block her although I didnt ask him to but has said he'll just stop responding. I do need to bring up the messages at some point though because I didnt like him sending on my message to someone else, nevermind some woman that I dont know, but one of the kids woke up while we were discussing it all and afterwards it seemed done with so I didnt see the need to bring it up again then as we were having a nice evening.
In terms of my friends I did say to him that I would only see them in a group if he preferred and he said he didnt really think it was necessary and was just saying it as he initially thought it was a bit hypocritical because I have male friends that I see myself but has agreed that there's a difference and that he won't talk to her anymore.

To the poster who said that Im insecure and it's my issue, I really don't think that I am insecure. I mentioned my weight in response to someone asking what she looked like to highlight the difference and that yes my body has changed since we got together but also said he has never made me feel of think that he's not attracted to me for it. I am self-aware enough though to know that I have put on weight and Im currently working to lose it. I also dont agree that people from other European countries are friendlier and that Im reading into it, Im not going to say exactly where I live but it is somewhere in the UK that is known for how friendly people are. Despite it being unusual I wouldnt have even been completely adverse to meeting up with the couple, say they had made a WhatsApp group for her and her husband and mine to arrange meeting again (we had actually been planning a family cycling trip in Germany next summer so I can see why he thought they might be useful contacts to stay in touch with), but it's just her sending him loads of messages and when he has tried to direct her towards me as a contact to arrange the meeting she's then gone back to him to say that I wasn't convinced, as if she tried but it wouldnt be possible to do via me so she needs to keep it going with him.

I’ve just been hosting Germans, and there is a
lot of cultural difference in terms of directness and what is considered rude.

Yep. For me the language is like the culture: very guttural, hard, not refined.

@Jucrae You wrote: "I also dont agree that people from other European countries are friendlier.."

I don't think that has ever been said about German people. It's rather the southern Europe that are known to be more open and friendlier.

So things have taken a bit of a turn...

I asked him today when was the last time she messaged him and what she said, he said last Sunday, the day after I had messaged her, this was true. I asked what she said and he said that she said her husband says hi. I obviously know that this isn't true, the last message she sent was saying that I wasn't convinced and that she had messaged introducing herself to me and telling me she was the 'crazy German woman'. He didnt reply to this.
I called him out, told him that I knew that wasn't what she said. He showed me his messages and said that he had deleted the message of her saying her husband says hi. I asked why he would have deleted it and he said because she sent it with a picture of the two of them in bed and waving at the camera and he didnt want that on his phone so deleted it. Im not buying that at all. He's now pissed with me for reading his messages and Im pissed because he's clearly lied to me. Ive messaged her telling her that we have discussed and will no longer be available to meet. I said that I find it strange that she said to my husband that I wasn't convinced to meeting when I was perfectly friendly and open to it initially but now knowing she has suggested to him that Im not, along with the inappropriate level of messaging for people who are married and only knew each other for a week, I am uncomfortable with the situation. I said that I am glad that they all had a nice time on holiday but that it ends now and to take care.

I'll deal with the fallout with DH later because kids are all around and I dont like arguing in front of them. Not sure what way it's going to go but it's fair to say my confidence in him has taken a huge knock.

This is the message that I sent to her. He doesn't know but is clearly really angry with me. He is adamant that he deleted the photo with the message saying that her husband says hi and says that I am beating him with a big stick and trying to start an argument when he has done nothing wrong. I said about forwarding on my message and he said he shared it because he thought it was funny, I said about how she had then said about my "old and dusty boobs" and he just said not to be ridiculous. He's never been good at discussing things in the moment as he is always all guns blazing at the beginning so will tend to take himself away for a walk or something then come back and discuss. That's pretty much what he's doing now and is saying that he's going out with DSS (who did have an appointment anyway) so will see if we are able to have a better conversation about it later. Im pretty furious though so will probably be good for me to have some time to cool down before discussing as well.

Has she replied? You did the right thing. All this stress over someone he knew for a week to the point it's affecting his marriage. He needs to get his priorities in order.

No, she has read it but not replied.

Just to say OP, what she looks like doesn't matter, men can cheat with the opposite of whom they're with.

A friend's dad walked out after a series of slim exes to be with an overweight woman.

They've now been married the longest and seem pretty happy.

As the saying goes, beauty lies in the eye of the beholder.

As someone who has had similar with my DH over a work colleague, do not let him take over the discussion with how his privacy has been invaded etc. Once he started telling lies about the messages he forfeited any moral high ground IMO. If there was nothing he didn't want you to know then he wouldn't need to lie about it.

He may think you have betrayed his trust by looking at his phone but he also betrayed yours by forwarding private messages from you without your permission and lying about the content of some of messages from her. FWIW I don't believe there was a husband says hi message with a photo. He has just said that to make up the story about deleting it once he realised you knew he was lying. Why they dig themselves even bigger holes I don't know.

well done for sending her a message to make the position clear but be wary that she hasn't gone straight back to your husband whining about it.

I agree. I'm a bit overweight late 50s and get hit on often even in front of dh. Mind I am sexy af! 😅

I hope dh cools down @Jucrae . Die Frau needs binning. Hopefully she won't be in contact again?

@Greenphonecase she'll definitely be whining to op's dh. The poor me card will be out.

How your Dh feel about this new male friend if the tables were turned?

Oh, I love German as a language, though I don’t speak it that well, And I’m fine with cultural differences, but it’s involved a fair amount of diplomatic explanations behind the scenes. My sister took our visiting Germans to the Cliffs of Moher as part of a day sightseeing in the west of Ireland and one of them took a look around and said ‘I’ve seen better cliffs in France’. And notions of who was paying for whose restaurant meals got complicated.

She's replied and is actually being really decent. She has said that that was not her intention at all, that the families just got on really well and she was really excited to meet up again and she had also wanted to get to know me. She said she didnt think she had sent so many messages and said she apologises if she had and that she has shown them to her husband who thought her messages were fine. She said that DH clearly loves me and that the whole time they were together he just spoke about me so she was really excited to meet me. She said that if I dont feel comfortable though she understands and will respect that and also said to take care.

So now Im feeling like a bit of a dick.

No, she might have just realised it was a bit much and is now dressing it up as nothing. Maybe she genuinely didn't realise but that volume of messages is over the top.

You don't owe these people anything, you don't even know them, so don't worry about it.

Nah you're not a dick. She's back pedalling because she's obsessed with your man. She needs you sweet.

❤️.
Quite, sad that's it's come to attacking the new friend's appearance.

Most people fall in love with people, not bodies.

It's been normalised that a man will leave for someone younger or slimmer, yet not always the case.

You could charming, funny, attractive, vivacious etc whether slim, curvy, skinny or whatever.

If true that he deleted the pic of them as a couple, that's a concern.
Happy to chat but doent want to see her DH.
Also the bit where he says he'll cut contact if OP isn't happy, yet when she says she isn't, calls her a hypocrit and brings up her friendships.

He's enjoying the attention a bit.

If there's a next time OP, with new couple friends, ask him to create a group including the other DH.