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Original poster

How would you feel about this new female friend?

155 replies

Jucrae · 18/09/2025 09:45

Ive been with my DH for 6 years. We have a really solid relationship generally but over the summer he went on a holiday with my two teenage step children and I took our younger children away myself and we then all met up and had a shared holiday together. We have my stepkids permanently full time but some things were going on with the oldest and I thought it would be good for him to get time with his dad but also felt like the youngest ones needed a bit of a break from his behaviour. We all had a great time and the space/time together has been brilliant for us as a family and we have all come back a much stronger family unit. The separate holidays was my idea.

Whilst we were doing the separate part of our holidays DH was staying on a campsite and met another couple with kids of a similar age and apparently they all hit it off. They were staying in the campsite for a week at the same time. DH would tell me everything they were doing and it was apparent that the woman was spending a lot of time with DH while her husband was off doing other things. Initially I thought this was just because of the kids spending time together but since they've come home it's come across from my stepsons like they weren't really all that bothered about spending time with her kids but that they got on OK.

The woman has been messaging DH loads since they came home and he's been quite open with me about it. He says that she and her husband want to come and visit us in the UK (they are from Germany) and that she and I would get on really well and they just want to see the UK and it means we could go visit them in Germany. He told her that Im the family organiser and that she should message me to make any plans and gave her my number.

She has since messaged me, her opening line was that she met my husband and family on holiday and that they "had a connection" and she wants to connect with me to because DH said im the organiser. I messaged her back quite friendly saying Id heard a lot about her and it would be lovely to get to know her and when was she thinking of visiting. She replied saying some dates and I told her our plans and when we would be free. She liked the messages but didnt reply. I told DH I wasn't sure how comfortable I was with this and he said if I dont want him to be friends with her he won't be.

This was about a week ago. This morning I couldn't find my phone so used DH's to make a phone call I needed to make to school. After curiosity got the better of me and I looked at the messages between them. There is nothing outright bad but she sends him 100s of messages, he often doesn't reply but then eventually does and they have had long chats over text. Nothing overly worrying on his part although he forwarded on a text I had sent to him about a funny thing my DD had said to me calling my boobs dusty (she was breastfed for a long time but no longer does), she's replied saying that she feels sorry for my DD. She messaged him to tell him she'd messaged me and he said that he might need to convince me about meeting up and she's replied that's fine because even if I dont want to they can still be friends. Then a couple of days after I messaged her in what I thought was fairly friendly and polite she has messaged him saying your wife messaged me and is obviously not convinced. He's not replied.

Ive not told him that I've seen the messages yet.

I have real concerns and doubts over this woman's intentions. I know that DH would cut her off if I ask him to but I dont know if I am being unreasonable to do that? I have a number of male friends so I dont have issues with friends of the opposite sex. He has a couple of female friends but none that he is overly close to. Am I right to be concerned about this friendship? My worry is not that anything has already happened as nothing makes me think that it has, but that the groundwork is being laid for something more.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jucrae · 20/09/2025 15:07

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 20/09/2025 15:02

❤️.
Quite, sad that's it's come to attacking the new friend's appearance.

Most people fall in love with people, not bodies.

It's been normalised that a man will leave for someone younger or slimmer, yet not always the case.

You could charming, funny, attractive, vivacious etc whether slim, curvy, skinny or whatever.

If true that he deleted the pic of them as a couple, that's a concern.
Happy to chat but doent want to see her DH.
Also the bit where he says he'll cut contact if OP isn't happy, yet when she says she isn't, calls her a hypocrit and brings up her friendships.

He's enjoying the attention a bit.

If there's a next time OP, with new couple friends, ask him to create a group including the other DH.

Show quote history

I only mentioned her appearance in response to someone asking and did say in that post that I know it doesn't always come down to looks. He says that he deleted the photo because they were lying in bed and he thought it was a bit weird.

My head's a bit all over now and I dont know what to think but I think that actually his response has made the whole thing a lot worse.

OP posts:
Treesandsheepeverywhere · 20/09/2025 15:07

Jucrae · 20/09/2025 14:52

She's replied and is actually being really decent. She has said that that was not her intention at all, that the families just got on really well and she was really excited to meet up again and she had also wanted to get to know me. She said she didnt think she had sent so many messages and said she apologises if she had and that she has shown them to her husband who thought her messages were fine. She said that DH clearly loves me and that the whole time they were together he just spoke about me so she was really excited to meet me. She said that if I dont feel comfortable though she understands and will respect that and also said to take care.

So now Im feeling like a bit of a dick.

Sounds like you're dealing with a manipulator.

Don't reply and DH needs to let it go too.

Saying Old dusty boobs to your husband is enough to end it.

As a womam/a mother the only right reply other than ignoring the comment would be to say, well, those boobs nourished DD, she best be grateful.

Not add old to the comment.

YumYa · 20/09/2025 15:09

If true that he deleted the pic of them as a couple, that's a concern.
Happy to chat but doent want to see her DH.
Also the bit where he says he'll cut contact if OP isn't happy, yet when she says she isn't, calls her a hypocrit and brings up her friendships

Well spotted @Treesandsheepeverywhere

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 20/09/2025 15:17

Jucrae · 20/09/2025 15:07

I only mentioned her appearance in response to someone asking and did say in that post that I know it doesn't always come down to looks. He says that he deleted the photo because they were lying in bed and he thought it was a bit weird.

My head's a bit all over now and I dont know what to think but I think that actually his response has made the whole thing a lot worse.

Show quote history

You went into a detailed description, which wasn't necessary, especially as you agree that appearance isn't always the deciding factor.

Wouldn't the photo be in his deleted folder or Google photos/equivalent?

Unless he's scrubbed his phone, it will be there somewhere.

It's the sort of photo you'd actually show your partner as in wtf has she sent this for, or gosh, is this a swingers invite.....

Hopefully it's all innocent but your gut is saying otherwise for a reason.

YumYa · 20/09/2025 15:28

Yes @Jucrae look in trash.

Original poster
Jucrae · 20/09/2025 15:29

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 20/09/2025 15:17

You went into a detailed description, which wasn't necessary, especially as you agree that appearance isn't always the deciding factor.

Wouldn't the photo be in his deleted folder or Google photos/equivalent?

Unless he's scrubbed his phone, it will be there somewhere.

It's the sort of photo you'd actually show your partner as in wtf has she sent this for, or gosh, is this a swingers invite.....

Hopefully it's all innocent but your gut is saying otherwise for a reason.

Show quote history

He's not one for scrubbing his phone so it could be there, I know that he won't deal with it well if I ask to see it right now though. If it was the case that he wanted to delete it so as not to see her husband because he has some kind of feelings or crush then I would rather know. You mention my gut feelings and I do feel like my gut is telling me that there's nothing there, on his part anyway, but that the attention might have been a bit of an ego boost for him so he didnt cut it off immediately as he should have.

OP posts:
wrongthinker · 20/09/2025 15:30

You have to come clean that you've read his messages. Personally I would be furious as it's such an invasion of privacy. So you'll have to take responsibility for that. But don't allow him to use that fact to deflect from the fact that he's lied about the messages and entertained this woman's advances. I expect he's found it all very flattering and maybe a bit exciting but assured himself it was 'safe' because they're both married. You are right to tell him to cut the communication off. I think you both need to be very honest and open with one another now, as the trust between you has taken a hit.

OchreRaven · 20/09/2025 15:31

If what he has said is the truth then it’s giving swinger vibes to be honest. I wouldn’t feel bad about your message to her. She hasn’t explained why she made out you weren’t friendly / up for meeting to your DH which was dishonest. There is only one reason to be dishonest and that is to carry on talking to him. She’s backpedaling so of course she’s going to make your reaction OTT. But you don’t need to back track. Just move on.

It would seem plausible he would delete an inappropriate picture of them in bed but then it begs the question — if these people made him uncomfortable to the point he deleted it why was he still happy to have them in his home? It’s good he has agreed not to pursue a friendship with either of them and I would just leave it there.

PotatoLove · 20/09/2025 16:03

Tbh OP, she comes across as being pushy and her comment about "dusty old boobs" is bitchy.

Original poster
Jucrae · 20/09/2025 16:21

She's actually sent more messages saying that she really doesn't want me thinking that Im the type of woman who is after her man as she is a woman's woman. She said that she uses speech to text translators sometimes and that it doesn't always translate the best and sometimes she's trying to make a joke and it doesn't come over right. She said she is happy to send over any messages they've sent to each other, I asked if she could show me what she sent my DH on Sunday morning, it's a photo of her and her husband sitting in bed and she is saying that her husband says hi... The picture doesn't give off swinger vibes even though they're lying in bed, more a couple having a lazy morning and sending a photo of themselves being lazy to a friend. Thinking that I have completely misread this all

OP posts:
OriginalUsername2 · 20/09/2025 16:25

I’d cut this off immediately. She’s disrespecting you already. Who needs the drama.

Original poster
Jucrae · 20/09/2025 16:27

She's actually sent more messages saying that she really doesn't want me thinking that Im the type of woman who is after her man as she is a woman's woman. She said that she uses speech to text translators sometimes and that it doesn't always translate the best and sometimes she's trying to make a joke and it doesn't come over right. She said she is happy to send over any messages they've sent to each other, I asked if she could show me what she sent my DH on Sunday morning, it's a photo of her and her husband sitting in bed and she is saying that her husband says hi... The picture doesn't give off swinger vibes even though they're lying in bed, more a couple having a lazy morning and sending a photo of themselves being lazy to a friend. Thinking that I have completely misread this all this. She's saying that if I dont want any more contact that's fine but that they just all got on great and had similar interests and she thought it would be fun to meet up again so if i did want to then all communication could be between her DH and my DH but if I dont want to then we can just put it down as they met nice people on holiday and leave it at that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jucrae · 20/09/2025 16:35

wrongthinker · 20/09/2025 15:30

You have to come clean that you've read his messages. Personally I would be furious as it's such an invasion of privacy. So you'll have to take responsibility for that. But don't allow him to use that fact to deflect from the fact that he's lied about the messages and entertained this woman's advances. I expect he's found it all very flattering and maybe a bit exciting but assured himself it was 'safe' because they're both married. You are right to tell him to cut the communication off. I think you both need to be very honest and open with one another now, as the trust between you has taken a hit.

He does know that Ive read his messages, that's why he's stormed off out the house.

Im actually messaging with her now and I think I've got it all totally wrong!

OP posts:
Gotback · 20/09/2025 16:45

I don't think you got it wrong. She was trying to get your husband to join in mocking you. She sent far too many messages. She could easily have asked him to set up a 4 person WhatsApp thing & waited for that before messaging you both. I think she's minimising what she did, to make you feel shit.

OriginalUsername2 · 20/09/2025 16:47

Your DH has been really silly for bringing all this onto his relationship. Where is his common sense?

Please don’t be so easily swayed by this stranger fgs. Then you’re in the wrong and she and him can bond over it.

OriginalUsername2 · 20/09/2025 16:48

Gotback · 20/09/2025 16:45

I don't think you got it wrong. She was trying to get your husband to join in mocking you. She sent far too many messages. She could easily have asked him to set up a 4 person WhatsApp thing & waited for that before messaging you both. I think she's minimising what she did, to make you feel shit.

Exactly.

Greenwriter76 · 20/09/2025 16:52

waterrat · 18/09/2025 13:29

Oh come on - no question here this is totally inappropriate! Hundreds of messages and she is slyly digging at you - 'your wife isn't convinced'

That is a deliberate effort to bring him and her inside a circle that you are outside of - ie. 'you and me against wifey we don't need her'

who honestly gives that much of shit about seeing someone they spent a bit of time with on holiday. If she was just 'friendly' she would send one or two messages.

She is outright flirting with your husband - there is absolutely no way any sane human would not see this.

If he is objectively good looking then she is enjoying the flirtation and trying to build a connection even if she isn't entirely focused on 'pulling him etc.

I think your husband is being very silly - this isn't healthy to allow in a good relationship. I would ignore completely how she looks it's not at all relevant - he might be enjoying the attention regardless.

This.

Sorry but it sounds to me like your DH is enjoying the attention OP - I don’t believe men are innocent victims of manipulation all the time.

It’s all a ‘no’ from me.

YumYa · 20/09/2025 16:56

🙈

AboogaBooga · 20/09/2025 17:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

500mileslong · 20/09/2025 17:02

She’s persistent isn’t she?! If I were her and this was all legit I’d be mortified I came across in this way to you and I’d be apologising and never sending another message to either of you again! But she continues to push for you all to spend time together….. Confused

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 20/09/2025 17:21

YumYa · 20/09/2025 15:00

Nah you're not a dick. She's back pedalling because she's obsessed with your man. She needs you sweet.

Agreed...
She didn't realise she's sent so many messages... yeah Right.

Also. don't forget the lie about "not convinced" and the old and dusty boobs comment.

Is she really that gushing and excited? hmm,.

You did the right thing, said the right thing and made it very clear that you see through her and she's trying to pretend that you've got it all wrong.

You haven't.

Plus you owe her nothing. She's overstepped the mark and she knows it.

carmak · 20/09/2025 17:26

If I was totally innocent, I would back off and be hugely embarrassed.

Wouldn't you OP? Or would you keep pushing, like her?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 20/09/2025 17:28

Even if you were wrong ( you weren't) do you really want to be talked into having this woman turn up with her kids to your home for a week, whilst she bashes on about the children entertaining each other and your DH dancing attendance?

Whether she's entirely innocent or not... do you really need her in your life?

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 20/09/2025 17:36

Jucrae · 20/09/2025 16:27

She's actually sent more messages saying that she really doesn't want me thinking that Im the type of woman who is after her man as she is a woman's woman. She said that she uses speech to text translators sometimes and that it doesn't always translate the best and sometimes she's trying to make a joke and it doesn't come over right. She said she is happy to send over any messages they've sent to each other, I asked if she could show me what she sent my DH on Sunday morning, it's a photo of her and her husband sitting in bed and she is saying that her husband says hi... The picture doesn't give off swinger vibes even though they're lying in bed, more a couple having a lazy morning and sending a photo of themselves being lazy to a friend. Thinking that I have completely misread this all this. She's saying that if I dont want any more contact that's fine but that they just all got on great and had similar interests and she thought it would be fun to meet up again so if i did want to then all communication could be between her DH and my DH but if I dont want to then we can just put it down as they met nice people on holiday and leave it at that.

Except, you've already said to leave it and she's continuing to message.

If a guy asked msgd you and you weren't interested, him saying he just wants to be friends doesn't change your feelings.
Don't fall into a false sense of security just because she's a woman.
She's not respecting your boundaries or even listening.

All got on great .
Kids have said they didn't spend that much time with her kids or weren't keen to.

Her DH was off doing other things.....

The only ones who got on great was her & your DH.

Why didn't the husbands or teenage kids exhange numbers if everyone got on so great??

You're now the barrier to him, and she'll say whatever to get you on side.

You say your gut is good on your husband, but about the woman: I have real concerns and doubts over this woman's intentions.

Again, on the off chance it is innocent, this is no foundation for a great friendship.

Don't doubt yourself because he's in a strop and she's telling you what you want to hear.

Also, a woman's woman would have asked for your number from the get go and continued the communication with you.

Nothing to do with LTB, just trust your gut.

MsDogLady · 20/09/2025 17:40

@Jucrae, your message to her was perfect in content and tone. Not only has her frequency of contact been too intense, she lied to H that you were unwelcoming and also mocked your appearance. As @OchreRaven pointed out, she failed to address that dishonesty in her texts to you.

Be aware that she is currently in damage control mode to keep you sweet. In my view she is playing you. Don’t be taken in by her manipulation.

As for H, something is amiss, as he has been employing subterfuge via lies and deletions. When confronted he used anger and blame-shifting in an attempt to make you back off. I don’t believe his previous claim that ‘there’s nothing to it’ when referring to this new relationship. Perhaps he feels a frisson or ego strokes from her gusto attention.

You were not out of order by investigating H’s phone. The sheer volume of messages and their pushing the visit warranted a check for knowledge and peace of mind. Had you not you wouldn’t have known about his disloyalty and her shit stirring/mocking. His defensiveness is very telling.

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