Struggling with the thought of long term commitment to her?

[johnny2024]

Hi all. I hope it’s okay to post this here but I need someone to chat to.

I’ve been dating a woman for 2 months. 2 weeks ago we both confirmed we haven’t been seeing other people and it’s exclusive now. Still early days. No labels. But generally it’s gone well.

She treats me really well. So far this has been the healthiest relationship I’ve had. But I’m the problem. I really struggle with anxiety around commitment.

She’s 7 years older than me. I’m 29, she’s 36. And although this doesn’t make any difference when we’re in person, at times I really struggle with it.

I would say it’s the kids thing that worries me. But she hasn’t pressured me at all. I’m just aware that we’d have to start trying in max 2 years if we want a chance of doing it. And doing it is important to me at some stage. I’ve told her I’m not sure when I’d be ready. She knows.

But the main thing that bothers me is my fear of endings. I can see there is a fairly high chance that this would have to end at some point if our timelines don’t align down the road. I may want to do a year abroad. I may want to move back home. As with most relationships there’s that uncertainty. But that terrifies me. I don’t really trust myself to get out if it doesn’t serve me anymore. And breakups terrify me.

I guess maybe it’s a fear of commitment. But I genuinely do like her and I know it’s hard to find someone like this. Or at least it has been for me. I’ve been single for 4 years.

I know it’s only been 2 months. But I’m struggling a bit. Relationships can tend to make me feel really trapped. and I’m not sure if that’s because of me or if I’ve just been in the wrong ones and not able to get out?

need someone to chat to if that’s ok?

You are not ready for a relationship and need to work on yourself. If you really liked her you would live in the moment and enjoy your time with her, rather than worrying about what you are missing out on.

If you aren't ready to settle down and have kids yet then this isn't the right relationship for you. And that's fine, but don't push yourself to stay with someone that isn't right for you.

At two months in, this level of angst and rumination shouldn’t be happening. Just end it now before you get any more entrammelled, and be single for a while.

Thing is she isn’t ready for that yet either.

Didn't you post here yesterday about this?

But I don’t know how I’m meant to break it off when things are going well? Like I really genuinely like her. She is great. I just don’t know if I want this for the rest of my life

I think you posted about this earlier this week. You are not ready for a relationship so end this one, get some counselling as to why you would feel "trapped" in any relationship. Maybe it is because you have never been with the right person or maybe you have some issues that need to be resolved first.

Don't stay in this just because you get to have sex. Sex as we all know can result in a pregnancy and as a man you have no choice as to whether she continues with the pregnancy. Considering how many people post on here about unplanned pregnancies you are risking it every time. You are like a deer in headlights just being in a relationship you don't want to add co-parenting into your life.

If you might move away or spend a year abroad, you simply shouldn’t be getting into a relationship at all until you’ve done those things or no longer want to do them.

Please don’t steal the last few fertile years of this woman’s life to turn around and leave her to go travelling or move home.

It is not normal to think about children or how a relationship will end within the first few weeks of dating and within two weeks of being exclusive - these are signs that this isn’t the person for you and that you aren’t ready for an adult relationship at all. You’re still young so just live your life a little bit more and once you’re more settled and your life won’t foreseeably take some random path away from a partner you can find someone to share it with.

Thing is I’ve told her all this. She’s aware. So I’m not stealing anything. I’ve straight up told her how unsure I am about the future so I can’t take on all that responsibility myself.

it’s also not just for sex. I like her

Does she want kids eventually or perhaps she's happy child free or ambivalent enough to just see where life takes her?

You've agreed to be exclusive.... that doesn't tie you this women for the rest of your life! I think you should consider some personal therapy to delve into why you are feeling so anxious about being trapped or unable to leave a relationship that seems to be fun and in its very early days.

Well you have told her and if she is happy with that then just keep going. Not all mid 30's women want children, she may like the idea of a more relaxed relationship with no ties. You might be making this into something it is not. Be honest, listen to her and if it is not what she wants let her go. It is still very very early days. You yourself may actually fall in love with her and want to stay with her and commit. You are both adults, have an adult conversation.

She said she’s happy either way. Accepted it may not happen for her. But if she found someone like me who does want them and she thinks I’d be the right guy for it in the right time then she would.

I think it’s more I’m just afraid that because of the timelines, this may not work out long term. And the more I see her the more feelings I get.

but I also know I’m not ready to settle down yet. Properly.

I’ve told her everything. About how I’m nervous about the future. Don’t like to think too far into the future. Worried timelines may not match up.

She’s told me to just live in the grey for a bit and enjoy things

Have a very clear chat about contraception and what would happen if a pregnancy did occur. She's an adult, so long as you are honest with her, let her make her own decisions and stop feeling responsible for things that haven't even happened and just enjoy a nice thing while it lasts.

Two months in is far soo soon so be thinking very far down the road ahead. Perhaps you'll go traveling, perhaps she'll be offered a job in another country, perhaps she'll decide motherhood is more important and want to look for a man who's aligned on that, perhaps, perhaps...

”And doing it is important to me at some stage.”
how many kids do you want? What kind of age gaps do you want to have?

I guess we're just getting closer and closer to eachother. It's really starting to feel like a proper relationship. And I worry what that means for the future

I think you are quite anxious and need someone who is very much on the same track as you to alleviate that anxiety. You’d benefit from being with someone who is also a bit of a planner so you can plan together and discuss future plans. You’d benefit from someone your own age who definitely wants children so you don’t worry about that being off the table for you.

This woman, although she sounds lovely, seems to bring out the worst in your anxiety because she is a free spirit who thinks if children happen they’ll happen and if not they won’t and that free spiritedness is a huge trigger for your relationship anxiety. The age difference is also something you worry about because it puts pressure on you to be ready to have kids in two years or accept perhaps choosing between a woman you’re then very intertwined with and invested in OR children which is a choice you don’t want to make. Other relationships with people whose life goals and timelines align with yours wouldn’t create those anxieties.

I am worried you already know this won’t work for the above reasons but you’re not going to be able to end it even now because of your fear of break ups. But I think you have to for your own sanity at this point because it’s no way to live if you’re obsessing about these things all the time.

With the right person, it’ll feel easy and you won’t be forcing yourself to continue or feel you’re making some big sacrifices.

But last night was so nice and I felt so close to her. It feels really strange to just call this off for hypothetical futures. She even bought me dinner for my birthday and was really trying to treat me well etc

I have told her all my worries.

This is ridiculous. You said that you probably want children in future and by that point she's unlikely to be able to have them. If she ever wants them then it won't be with you, because you won't be ready. So whatever else happens, this isn't and can't be a serious relationship. A fling at most. Stop wringing your hands and sitting on the fence.

But i've tried to explain this all to her and she sitll wants to continue

As a woman in her late 30s that was dating not so long ago trust what she is saying. She’s happy with things just now and is living each day as it comes. What you have said isn’t what I would have wanted to hear. I knew I was dating with the intention of finding something long term leading to marriage and possibly kids (if that was something that happened).

as long as you’ve been totally honest and up front with her and continue to do so then there’s no harm in continuing.

the biggest thing I’ve taken from this is your happy with things how they are but don’t really want a relationship. It doesn’t sound like you’re ready for one either. Which this woman might be totally ok with. But communicate with her about it and keep being honest about where you’re at. If or when it doesn’t feel right for you be honest, breakups are hard but cause much less hurt in the long term than sticking around. Just make sure your using contraception and have had the discussion about what would happen if it should fail.

You keep saying she ‘treats you well’, which makes you sound incredibly passive and childlike. This is a relationship between two adults, who both interact with each other, not one doing things that are nice or nasty to the other.

Her buying you dinner is no reason to continue in a brand new relationship that’s not working for you. And it’s clearly not. You’re worry-dumping on her about the future, already imagining a traumatic break-up, you struggle with the idea of commitment, you’re envisaging being forced to try for children in two years because of her age, when you want to go and live abroad and not contemplate children for years yet.

This is all way too miserable for two months dating.

I thought the same.

It's just anxiety and over thinking. You obviously like her and want to spend time with her, and you've been honest with her. Why not give yourself a time limit, e.g see how it goes in the next 6 months? Just relax into the relationship for now.

You're aware you have a say in the matter? Look, either enjoy it from the perspective of an unserious affair, which she also understands and wants, or end it. Because right now you're sitting in some limbo land where you're sort of enjoying it but mainly anxious