Struggling with the thought of long term commitment to her?

[johnny2024]

Hi all. I hope it’s okay to post this here but I need someone to chat to.

I’ve been dating a woman for 2 months. 2 weeks ago we both confirmed we haven’t been seeing other people and it’s exclusive now. Still early days. No labels. But generally it’s gone well.

She treats me really well. So far this has been the healthiest relationship I’ve had. But I’m the problem. I really struggle with anxiety around commitment.

She’s 7 years older than me. I’m 29, she’s 36. And although this doesn’t make any difference when we’re in person, at times I really struggle with it.

I would say it’s the kids thing that worries me. But she hasn’t pressured me at all. I’m just aware that we’d have to start trying in max 2 years if we want a chance of doing it. And doing it is important to me at some stage. I’ve told her I’m not sure when I’d be ready. She knows.

But the main thing that bothers me is my fear of endings. I can see there is a fairly high chance that this would have to end at some point if our timelines don’t align down the road. I may want to do a year abroad. I may want to move back home. As with most relationships there’s that uncertainty. But that terrifies me. I don’t really trust myself to get out if it doesn’t serve me anymore. And breakups terrify me.

I guess maybe it’s a fear of commitment. But I genuinely do like her and I know it’s hard to find someone like this. Or at least it has been for me. I’ve been single for 4 years.

I know it’s only been 2 months. But I’m struggling a bit. Relationships can tend to make me feel really trapped. and I’m not sure if that’s because of me or if I’ve just been in the wrong ones and not able to get out?

need someone to chat to if that’s ok?

But it’s not just about what she wants! She sounds happy with things, whereas you’re not. You sound as if you’d like her to end things, so you don’t have to. Be a grown-up. Decide for yourself. And if you want to go and live in another country, go and do it! Don’t use a relationship as an excuse for not doing something you want.

John, you posted about this yesterday.

She hasn’t been very clear at all with what she wants. Which I guess is what’s bothering me sometimes too.

I’ve always been the one to bring up the questions of what does she want. Does she want kids. When. She hasn’t once brought this stuff up without me prompting it.

so either she isn’t taking this very seriously. Or she is and isn’t telling me. Or is hoping I just change my mind. Not sure

Why start another post, why not carry on with the other one.

Yeah that’s what I’ve been trying to do. But there’s a very mixed view in these comments and I’m finding it hard to know what the right move is

Well I’m enjoying it right now. But I don’t want to commit to forever. So I’m trying to figure out what’s right

You've posted this bizarre rant all over the internet – I've seen it multiple times on Reddit, under different user names, and you seem to be completely incapable of taking anyone's advice. If you are having such grave doubts this early on, you should end it and maybe pay a professional to talk to. Endlessly posting the same stuff all over the place is not going to help you.

Im saying this kindly, with your possible plans for the future (travelling and moving back home), you really should not have engaged in seeing someone 7 years older than yourself.

I can guarantee when she says she is fine with with you not being ready yet, that she is expecting you will change your mind fairly soon.

Congrats, lovely you have found each other and it's a healthy relationship for you :) i think- Stop thinking so far ahead and just try and enjoy every moment! you don't have to commit to anything long term, you are just committing day by day and can remove yourself whenever you want. Remember that. Try and stay in the present and not get caught up in thoughts and fears for the future. You may have a tendency to do that (or it can also be linked to hormones! I fret more in luteal phase) , but equally you may know this is not right for you.

If I were you, I'd take my time, take it slowly, get to know this person and check in regularly with how you feel.

Honestly there's not much I can do about that

But I've told her about all this. She isn't totally passive

As a woman who doesn't have kids and never really wanted them but 'would have with the right person' my advice is tread very carefully if she won't really deeply look at herself and know whether kids are a want for her. I hurt a man quite badly beacuse I didn't really ask myself that question.

She's in her 30s, she knows whether she wants kids or not, and from what you've said the answer is no she doesn't

You’re not going to get a definitive answer from lots of other people’s opinions, though it’s true that occasionally you might see something that makes you think.

You are responsible for your own life. You have to make decisions, a constant stream of them, and then live with the consequences.

I know it’s a very hippy suggestion but rather than therapy, which in your case is going to need a very experienced therapist and a bad therapist could make things much worse, maybe try yoga. I think a good yoga teacher could help you find a bit more confidence in your own physical existence and abilities, provided you take responsibility for developing a practice independently.

But why is she not telling me this.

so far she’s said it’s too early to really say if I’m the right guy for kids. I’ve mentioned multiple times that I want them one day. ‘When I’m a dad’ etc a lot too.

if she doesn’t want them, surely she’d have mentioned it?

Stop mentioning it to her.

The fact you are so anxious could be a sign you’re actually falling for her. It can be a very scary but exciting feeling. Talk to her about it. Try and go with the flow.

You have been dating TWO MONTHS.

No one is asking you to ‘commit forever’!

You’re still at the stage of discovering what pizza toppings the other one likes!

OP, she’s probably going date by date. She’s nowhere near sure whether she still wants you in her life in another two months, far less whether she wants you to father her children!

It's not a bizarre rant, it's what this board is for! Are you OK?

Because, like me, she may not be being honest with herself and in turn you.

I think we all have this expectation that we'll have kids one day, and as a woman that expectation is even higher. Rhetoric about it is changing slightly but we've always been seen as something wrong with us if we don't want children, and the whole sad lonely spinster line is very pointed.

I may be well off and projecting a whole lot though

Thankyou :)

I guess I'm just worried about how feelings are building and it may start to get really difficult to leave if I ever want to.

You think I'm overthinking?

Guess what if she decides she does or doesn't. When does she make that decision

I am going to explain this in different terms in the hope it lands.

You are not in a "healthy" place
your anxiety / your feelings all point to "i am not in a healthy place" if you arent you cant have a healthy relationship.

She is not in a "healthy" place
The fact you found someone who also isnt healthy or in a good place who agrees to pursue an unhealthy relationship knowing you are in an unhealthy place doesnt not equal a healthy relationship

Unhealthy man + unhealthy woman = unhealthy and ultimately dysfunctional relationship --> unhappiness

Until you sort yourself out you shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone.
Even if she knows, even if she says shes fine with it, what you are doing is wrong and unfair to her.