Struggling with the thought of long term commitment to her?

[johnny2024]

Hi all. I hope it’s okay to post this here but I need someone to chat to.

I’ve been dating a woman for 2 months. 2 weeks ago we both confirmed we haven’t been seeing other people and it’s exclusive now. Still early days. No labels. But generally it’s gone well.

She treats me really well. So far this has been the healthiest relationship I’ve had. But I’m the problem. I really struggle with anxiety around commitment.

She’s 7 years older than me. I’m 29, she’s 36. And although this doesn’t make any difference when we’re in person, at times I really struggle with it.

I would say it’s the kids thing that worries me. But she hasn’t pressured me at all. I’m just aware that we’d have to start trying in max 2 years if we want a chance of doing it. And doing it is important to me at some stage. I’ve told her I’m not sure when I’d be ready. She knows.

But the main thing that bothers me is my fear of endings. I can see there is a fairly high chance that this would have to end at some point if our timelines don’t align down the road. I may want to do a year abroad. I may want to move back home. As with most relationships there’s that uncertainty. But that terrifies me. I don’t really trust myself to get out if it doesn’t serve me anymore. And breakups terrify me.

I guess maybe it’s a fear of commitment. But I genuinely do like her and I know it’s hard to find someone like this. Or at least it has been for me. I’ve been single for 4 years.

I know it’s only been 2 months. But I’m struggling a bit. Relationships can tend to make me feel really trapped. and I’m not sure if that’s because of me or if I’ve just been in the wrong ones and not able to get out?

need someone to chat to if that’s ok?

Fair enough. Best wishes.

Let’s see, you’ve posted two doomy, catastrophising threads about this, in a single day?

If that's an issue for her, then she should be the one worrying about that, not you.

OP, you are here because you want to know how to break it to her gently that you obviously think she is too old for kids ( she isn't but it;s what you think). You need to finish with her to be kind to her and yourself.
Please do not lead yourself and her in to a false sense of security by telling her things you think she wants to hear.
End the relationship now. You are not right for each other, let her move on.

But if it doesn’t work out, that’s exactly what will happen no?

He did and it’s boring now. Not taking any comments on board from what I’ve read.

Just take the relationship slowly. Enjoy each others company. You could go for couples counselling eventually.

I understand a little as I am a committment phobe too.

Yeah. But who knows if it will work out?

Your options are:

1. You try and make it work despite having highlighted some future pitfalls and just go with the flow;
2. You break up now because you think the likelihood of future pitfalls is too high.

You’re unwilling to do either of these but there’s no magic third option where someone can look into a crystal ball and tell you if it will work out or not. So what advice do you want? Make a decision between 1 and 2 and live with it.

your issue is your inability to tolerate the uncertainty that’s an unavoidable part of any relationship, particularly a fairly new one.
nobody can guarantee 100% that their relationship will work out, we just have to accept this lack of certainty and go with it anyway if we want to have meaningful connections.
by constantly ruminating, initiating these conversations with her and posting online repeatedly about it you’re engaging in reassurance seeking behaviour that will feed the anxiety in the long term.

look up relationship OCD, see if it resonates.
either way I think CBT would be helpful for you.

Yes.

Yeah. I think you’re right. I have been diagnosed with gad and light ocd before. It just seems to go haywire when I enter a relationship.

my mind is always stuck between ‘I want a relationship or meaningful connections’ and ‘I don’t feel ready to commit to only one person forever’. So I get stuck in this middle ground where I don’t want to be too attached. But also don’t want nothing.

I admit it’s strange to have chosen someone with such high risks for me with the age difference. But it just kinda worked out that way.

I dunno. It’s feeling like a lot. But you’re right the posting is just a way to make my anxiety relieved. And it does for a while. But then it doesn’t. Hence the new posts.

im sorry.

Hey op you are obviously a very anxious person but 2 months is really early days just have fun no one goes into a relationship this early on and decides if there going have kids, live together that is far down the line it’s about getting to know each other and then things will develop or end neither is a guarantee if your are really bothered about commitment maybe it’s best not to be exclusive or date right now.

Ofcourse it's something you can control - you can leave.
You're incompatible and at different life stages.

But we’re not right now. Just may be later.

Will you suddenly become older or her younger? I've known women who wasted their fertile years for a man and while they were initially OK with uncertainty they all ended up devastated in the end in ways they could not have imagined. They became resentful and regretted the relationship deeply. It hit women once they are over 40.
If you break up after few years you will simply move on while she will lose her chance of being a mother and having family of her own.

You're at different stages in life.
If you were with someone your age, someone who maybe wanted to travel for a bit and wait with major commitments you would be less anxious.

But I can’t control this. I’ve told her I want to travel first. And I may not be ready in 2 years. She could freeze her eggs. She could have stayed in the US.

I can’t take on that. Can only offer her my honesty.

It’s only been two months. Just end it now and date girls a few years younger than you. You’ll be happier in the long run. I don’t think most men are mature enough for commitment until 30s. She’s probably with you to get pregnant quickly

Mate you’ve been here literally all day. Just break up with her and go travelling (get off the internet).

i dont want to end it. But no I’m not ready for serious long term commitment yet. She knows this.

She’s just with you to get pregnant! You’re 7 years younger she probably thinks you’re naive enough to fall for it, because no self respecting woman in her late 30 is talking about babies with a man after 2 months!!

So stop making other people part of your OCD and anxiety. Take responsibility for your own MH, stop using the internet as your personal therapist, and stay single until you sort your head out.

I think you'd benefit from some counselling if you want to manage those anxiety spirals that you say get set off when you're dating. At least then you'd have a set therapeutic space to help you unpick those thoughts and often entering into relationships is triggering for lots of different reasons so you're not alone in that.

I am guessing she's maybe happier to live in the grey because she's being quite pragmatic about her age, she knows that kids may not be an option if she doesn't settle down with someone but she's equally not willing to go it alone or settle for someone who's not the right person, so really she has no choice but to live in the grey and let life make that decision for her. That's also maybe a bit of a personality trait. Some people are naturally more laid back and adaptable and others prefer to plan and have more structure and clarity. So there is a compatability issue there I think which you probably need to discuss together so you can understand if she's that way due to necessity (she has decided she's no choice but to go with it) or because that's how she approaches life in general. Maybe making a priority/life goals and timeline list separately and then sharing that will help you see where you're both at?

However I think as long as you have been very honest with her about where you are at and your doubts, then it's her job to decide what she's willing to invest in. I think as long as you aren't stringing her along in any way (and it sounds like you aren't) then you can't take responsibility for her future or fertility etc. None of us have a crystal ball to see what's coming in the future so all you can do is trust your gut feeling on someone and take it a step at a time based somewhat on their words but most importantly based on their actions. If you're going into a relationship you have to go into it honestly and in good faith and trust that the other person is doing the same.

I think counselling would also help maybe with the fear around breakups which could be a fear of rejection/confrontation/grief/dependency but until you can identify what's actually behind that it will be hard for you to address in any real way. People go through break ups all the time. It sucks but you get through it and you do move on. And trusting your own capacity for growth and your own strength and resilience makes that easier to do confidently. So that's something maybe to think about for yourself if those are areas to work on.

So really the question is, do you pursue the relationship for what it is, accepting it as it is and trying to work on yourself along the way. Or do you need to step back in order to do that work first and then think about dating.

I'm not telling you to control her or her choices . Im telling you this relationship is doomed for reasons I explained already and that best, kindnest thing to do is to end it now and find someone in the same life stage.
If you want to continue the relationship anyway for whatever reason then good luck. It's your life.

Yes, but if the OP chooses to continue the relationship, he needs to manage his anxiety about its uncertainty himself, not worrydump on this woman like she’s his therapist rather than his girlfriend, or, repeatedly, on the internet. And if he can’t do that, then he should stay single until he can manage his own MH.

I agree he should manage his anxiety however in this case there are logical reasons for uncertainty.

Women often feel lighthearted regarding motherhood in their 30' then suddenly become devastated when they wake up over 40, unable to have a child while a man who wasted their fertile years goes on to have a family as if nothing happened. It's an awful situation to be in and completely different then not having children through choice or because you haven't met a right person and stayed single.
I've seen it over and over again- those relationships either break or the woman stays resentful.